What are your thoughts on stay at home moms?

[knitwit]

Hi Slimlady,

 

It looks to me that this isn't being a SAHM as such; it seems that the big problem is that you are very vulnerable.

 

I think you have very good reason to be unhappy. The first few years of parenthood are always challenging because little ones require so much time and attention. However, you have added stressors. You are young, you are not married (so no financial protection), your fella is not around very often, you don't have a degree, you don't have much money, and you don't live in a safe area. These all can be major stressors, and even if just one or two of them changed, you would probably be feeling much better.

 

We all need support to be happy and functional. So I think what you're feeling now is what most people would be feeling, if they were in your place.

 

As a single (not married) mom, you might be eligible for grants for some online education or certificates, which could get you started. Maybe something like Medical Coding or Transcriptions, which you could probably do from home. This would start to shore up some of your vulnerable points, and you would likely start to feel better.

 

At some point, I hope you can move to a safer place. I've lived in cities in America that are extremely violent; one city especially had parks that were filled with drug users, drunks, syringes, drugs in baggies. Kids weren't allowed to play outside due to gang violence. There were riots there within the last few years. It is an extremely stressful environment. You just do the best you can and work to get out.

 

Best of luck to you!

[amaysngrace]

You really shouldn't let other people define your worth. I was a SAHM and see myself as being blessed to be able to have been in a position to not have to work outside the home.

 

I volunteered a lot, was the classroom coordinator for my kids, got to chaperone school field trips to share even more school experiences with them, was able to bring them wherever they needed to go no problem, and was able to take them where they wanted to go too.

 

All in all I wouldn't trade it for anything, especially not for money. There's some things in life that you just can't put a price tag on.

[alsudduth]

Other fulfilled SAHM aren't solely SAHM. They found telecommuting jobs or started their own businesses -- some are coaches, some make & sell crafts, some design websites, others are typists / transcriptionists, some sell Avon / MaryKay or other things they can do from home. Give that chance.

 

 

This!! There are more and more opportunities to work from home these days. I work for a virtual call center company- Our agents are all independent contractors who make their own hours and work when it's convenient for them. It won't make you rich, but it will keep you busy. Our agent model has a forum for meeting other work at home agents that you can talk to, and share work knowledge so it feels like you are part of a team. Work From Home With LiveOps Virtual Call Center

[Lady2163]

There are events that are lifestyle changes and I think everyone can agree having children is one of those.

 

Keep searching for a daycare. 1-2 days a week could help your child with socialization and being able to detach. Too many of my friends made the mistake with baby number 1 of only having 2-3 friends or family as babysitters and they essentially isolated themselves because child would throw a tantrum or just be inconsolable when they had to go to wedding, funeral or other non child events. One friend was a HUGE Prince fan and she passed up a chance to see him - not because of money - but because she knew her child would be miserable with grandparents.

 

So, keep searching for daycares and toddler groups. Maybe you're not a churchgoer or a library patron. This goes back to my original comment about babies being a lifestyle change. Most libraries (in the US) have children's story time. Does you locale have a community center? Often they have children's activities.

 

Many places do have programs for children. A rec center will. A swimming pool will - as does the YMCA.

 

As to my basic thioughts on a stay at home mom or housewife. Very few (but definitely some) are able to do this for the rest of their life. Unless you're planning to have another baby soon, in 3-5 years your child will be in school full time. Are you able to go back to work in your profession then? Do you need to be taking one or two classes now to get credentials or keep them up? Many colleges and adult education places do have daycare.

 

I worked from home for close 13 years. I was single then and I'm single now as a young retiree. It is sheer drudgery and I know it is unappreciated. But, this doesn't have to be forever.

[Clockwork]

By the way, stay at home moms do the most thankless and most important jobs out there. Don't let the feminist movement tell you otherwise, which it has. Secondly, there are plenty of "mom's groups" that you should be able to get involved in within your community. Join them so that you can talk with other moms. You would be surprised to know they are probably going through the same thing.

[Got it]

I think there are a few questions/concerns being asked here. First off, if you want a career then, yes, the time out of the workplace and education stoppage are impact.

 

“Only 74 percent of professional women will rejoin the workforce in any capacity, and only 40 percent will return to full-time jobs [after taking time out of the workforce to raise children]. Those who rejoin will often see their earnings decrease dramatically.”

 

“In addition to the external barriers erected by society, women are hindered by barriers that exist within ourselves. We hold ourselves back in ways both big and small, by lacking self-confidence, by not raising our hands, and by pulling back when we should be leaning in. We internalize the negative messages we get throughout our lives—the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive, more powerful than men. We lower our own expectations of what we can achieve. We continue to do the majority of the housework and child care. We compromise our career goals to make room for partners and children who may not even exist yet. Compared to our male colleagues, fewer of us aspire to senior positions. This is not a list of things other women have done. I have made every mistake on this list. At times, I still do.”

― Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

 

“They tracked more than one thousand children over the course of fifteen years, repeatedly assessing the children’s cognitive skills, language abilities, and social behaviors. Dozens of papers have been published about what they found.23 In 2006, the researchers released a report summarizing their findings, which concluded that “children who were cared for exclusively by their mothers did not develop differently than those who were also cared for by others.”24 They found no gap in cognitive skills, language competence, social competence, ability to build and maintain relationships, or in the quality of the mother-child bond.25 Parental behavioral factors—including fathers who are responsive and positive, mothers who favor “self-directed child behavior,” and parents with emotional intimacy in their marriages—influence a child’s development two to three times more than any form of child care.26 One of the findings is worth reading slowly, maybe even twice: “Exclusive maternal care was not related to better or worse outcomes for children. There is, thus, no reason for mothers to feel as though they are harming their children if they decide to work.”27”

― Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

 

"Only 74 percent of professional women will rejoin the workforce in any capacity, and only 40 percent will return to full-time jobs.14 Those who do rejoin will often see their earnings decrease dramatically. Controlling for education and hours worked, women's average annual earnings decrease by 20 percent if they are out of the workforce for just one year.15 Average annual earnings decline by 30 percent after two to three years16, which is the average amount of time that professional women off-ramp from the workforce.17"

 

I think these quotes are huge to note that your career is something to consider heavily right now if you do in fact want one. Working does give women more financial freedom, is a safety net in terms of divorce, and marital satisfactions is shown to be higher in households where home work and work lives are prioritized with both genders.

 

But if you don't want to work, that is fine as well. But either way you want to work towards an enriching life. Just like you would be working on your personal development through your career focus on that as well at home. Pursue your areas of interests. Why not go back to school and pick up a few classes each semester?

 

In regards to getting out with your son, I have found a lot of success with the meetup.com app. Local groups are put together for a multitude of interests and you can meet others in your area. In fact just this past weekend took my daughter to a local meet up at an indoor playground we like. Got to meet a few moms and hope to meet up again with them.

 

If you are in a neighborhood with a HOA, join one of the groups with it. If your community has a facebook page, join that and see what others are doing during the day. I have found in my area, there are a lot of stay at home parents or parents who work from home so lots going on every day.

 

Another idea for your son, the local libraries have kid groups that you can participate in and meet others.

 

In regards to your insecurities with your husband, if they are significant talk to him about it. If you aren't sure about that, seek out a therapist to discuss them with and have them help you work through the feelings and come up with a game plan on what to do.

 

Whatever pathway you choose to take, you need to prioritize you and start working on developing who she is. Focus inward. Your child and husband will only benefit from a fulfilled and happy mom/wife.

[GunslingerRoland]

Well like i said the daycares around me are too expensive. and you might have missed the part where i said we live in a bad neighborhood where almost everyyone uses hard drugs. Also I'd love to go to the zoo and other things but the money is tight since i am not working. But i did find a park that's kid friendly. I haven't seen drunk people on people that look like they're on something by the park so i do take him there when the weather is nice but most of the time i just let him play in the yard everyday. But then again there's no adult interaction for me.

 

You can't travel outside of your neighborhood?

 

Also there are some very cheap baby and me programs that happen in most cities. Those are a great way to meet other parents.

 

If you are completely broke to the point where you can't get out of the house, I honestly think your child might be better off in daycare. I know it's harsh to say and you are probably a great mother, but your child needs interaction too.

 

Also I find it strange that you live in a neighborhood that sounds very ghetto yet it's also a neighborhood with overpriced daycare.

[Mr. Lucky]

Slimlady, might not be a popular and/or modern opinion, but you're undervaluing something.

 

Truth is, there's no daycare worker that will love your child and interact with him/her the same way you do. Any parent that finds a way to make the sacrifices involved in staying home with their child during those formative years makes a substantial contribution to their child's development, not something you can buy for $10/hour.

 

Your role is important, your contribution significant. Don't let anyone or anything make you feel otherwise...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey born raised]

Life skills being taught, learned and brought into there home combined with division of labor that insure the SAHP feels included in economic activities.

 

My sister in law handles all the household finances. My brother and she develop a budget with most of the input coming from her. This includes including reviewing credit card charges, investment statements, bank account and income. She also does a lot of investigating investment opportunities, often at my brothers suggesting. In short all income is their money.

 

Second she pursues several outside interests that relate to the home. Often informally, sometime though a course. Gardening, cooking and interior design are three examples. Now she shares these topics at dinner often. Her two sons often implement these projects. (life skill). Her home and garden could easily be featured in home and garden. Understand many of these projects are not budget busters and if you seek out others with similar passions many of the things you will be given or traded for.

 

My other brother and his wife both work. In her case she is a CPA so a lot of the finances she handles. They adopt three young children, one four, the twins at 9 months. They used a nanny from 9 to 3. He could use flex time so

was home at three. So he did all the cooking, she did the dishes. After a year he took a week and attend the CIA (culinary institute of American). Two years later he attend a two week course in SF. Yes he can prepare amazing holiday meals but his everyday meals while simple always have a little something special (like my other SIL who learned on her own).

 

Now the thing is none their children have pursued with great intent any of these things. But they all know how to pick fresh food and meat and prepare a meal. They know how to take care of a plant, even indoor one's, and all have an eye for color and sense of style.

 

So a SAHP can be far more then a maid and simple cook. I sense right you feel less of a person. Don't.

[carhill]

Great memories of mine, especially what she taught me about the outdoors.

 

The then new concept of everyday women working full time had started to take hold in the late 50's and 60's, but most of the mothers in my neighborhood were SAHM's, which meant we kids couldn't get away with anything. Someone's mom always had eyes on us. By the time I was born in the late 50's, my mom had already worked for 20 years so gave it up and spent the next 20 smacking my butt around and putting up with my endless array of hobbies.

 

Mothers were always on the move which is why there was a community of mothers that would cover for each other parenting. There was always something going on. I remember because of all the time I spent in the car with my mom's arm smashing into my chest as a seat belt when she'd slam on the brakes

 

IMO, what we have now is more choices, for both men and women, though for everyday folks the era of single earner/stay at home parent is pretty much done. When I was married, I'd have been fine with either role.

[callierichey]

Slimlady, it sounds like you are really feeling alone. I am so sorry to hear that and can completely sympathize with your feelings. I know from experience that if you aren't careful, you will end up continuing to feel that way and feel sorry for yourself.

 

There are some mommy and me clubs in you area for SAHMs that you can google on the internet. That is a great way to meet new people and not have to worry about daycare. What do you say? Give it a try?

[ShatteredLady]

I moved from England too Texas USA leaving my career, friends & family. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I underestimated EVERYTHING I would loose by not working. It's a huge adjustment.

 

As others have said there's a mothers group in ALL AREAS of the USA. Please join yours!! It will honestly change your life. The library also has free clubs. I took full advantage of both.

 

You have major concerns about the area you live in. That's going to get much WORSE when your child needs to go to school. You need to move! A tiny apartment in a good catchment area is far better than a home in a rough area.

 

Now to your other problems. PLEASE listen to me!! Being a SAHM makes you completely & utterly reliant on another human being. I was a middle class, very successful woman. That was my downfall. Yes, I've got an education but now I'm older, I have physical disabilities & cancer. You don't even have a career or education to fall back on. You are in an incredibly vulnerable position. You're not even married (please correct me where I'm wrong).

 

What if....what if your bf is on another forum saying he's having an affair? His gf has become depressed & boring. Sex life is declining. It's all about the child? Members there will be going-on about how you've got it easy!!! He's working all those hours while you're sitting around watching Dr Phil or whatever!! YOU ARE VULNERABLE!!

 

It's happened to me! I'm incredibly bias. NEVER allow yourself to become isolated & totally reliant. Your life can become a living hell in one conversation!

 

Make friends, get educated. I know it seems like life is already exhausting & you don't have time or money to take classes. It NEEDS to be your priority!! Look at how many marriages end in divorce & you're not even married. No-one is going to take care of you. I know that's an incredibly harsh reality.

 

We can wax-lyrical about what SAHM bring to society but the truth is you have ALL of your eggs in one basket & you're already doubting his loyalty. All it takes is him feeling a "great connection" & sharing his stress with some woman at work & you & your child will HAVE NO CHOICE! Please make plans & protect yourself. Would you bet your life on your partners loyalty? I would of said "YES!" without realizing that I already had....