guilt over gifts

[d0nnivain]

I have a high class problem but it's also not something I feel comfortable talking about IRL.

 

 

When I first met my DH he was a bit on the stingy side -- cheap tipper, didn't really "do" Christmas & birthdays. Through example more then anything he's come around & now celebrates things.

 

 

However, this past Christmas & for my upcoming birthday he has gone completely overboard. I'm honored. I'm touched. I am also overwhelmed & I never want him to do it again. He needs to dial it back but I don't know how to say that without sounding ungrateful. I simply feel undeserving, which I get is my problem / insecurity.

 

 

What do I do? I feel so guilty.

 

 

Just as an example, over the years I have tried to scale back Christmas to fit more with his vision & experience. This year I think I spent maybe 1/10 of what he did. It's not about the money per se but he went all out. I showed him a watch I liked & I said I wanted something in that style. I have been saying that about this watch for years. I showed him where he could get the knock off of the watch, which is what I wanted. He bought me the watch. It's so expensive; I'm terrified something will happen to it. I'm not a person who wears expensive stuff like that. It's a gorgeous watch & I burst into tears when I saw it. Mostly they were happy but there were significant tears of fear too. I even asked if we could take the watch back & get the knock off. He won't hear of it & just got it insured so he sees no risk.

 

 

I feel like I don't do nearly enough for him even though he disagrees & pointed out all the nice things & the nurturing I have done for him over the years -- taught him to vacation; shown him the world; built (well at least remodeled) our nice house; & I guess the big one for him, gone out of my way to prevent his mother for going into financial ruin.

 

 

Still I feel unworthy.

 

 

How to I address these feelings?

[aileD]

You address them within yourself .

 

It's ok to accept love. Sure this is material stuff but it comes from a place of love.

[NTV]

Have you read the five love languages?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, d0nnivain.

Your husband's vision of you - of your true worth and value - is more than likely clearer than your self-admitted sense of unworthiness allows you to see for yourself.

 

We are not really taught where to go looking for our true esteem and worth -- so we tend to think that it's to be found in the things we do and accomplish at outer/physical levels.

But, truly, it's in the place where your husband is looking: your own heart and its desire to help others grow in their ability to see and appreciate and enjoy life and all it's great and small wonders and joys -- this is what your husband's gift is expressing his gratitude for. (And, in his heart, he probably feels that it's still not enough; and, further, that nothing can ever be enough to fully express the fullness of his sense and feelings of gratitude to you.)

 

In Light and Love.

Ronni

[d0nnivain]

Thank you Ronni. Your words were very sweet.

[Noirek]

Perhaps your husband realizes with gift giving he has been withholding. On these forums we so often see the negative and hear about people who don't want to change or don't think they need to. In reality there are many people who realize on their own they could do better as a spouse... or friend or even person.

 

Now he has to make up for all those times he brushed off gifts. If these gifts are within your means than enjoy them.

[Just a Guy]

Hi dOnnivan, Maybe in the earlier years he felt that he probably could not afford to be free with gifts because income levels were not adequate.With the passage of time and rise in his career he probably feels comfortable with finances to be able to indulge you a bit. Then also, as you say, over the years he has learnt by example apart from which he has been with you so long and gotten to know you intimately and he probably realizes what this watch means to you since you say you have pointed it out to him on a number of occasions and even shown him where he can get something similar at a lower cost. That said he is probably grateful that you chose him over others and this is his way of showing his appreciation and love for you as his wife and companion in life. You also listed a few things which you say he told you that you did for him and the family over the years and this is his way of saying Thank you!

 

Whatever it maybe, I think you should allow him this pleasure that he feels in having done something for you which he knows is out of character for him but which he would happily do for you to show you how much he values and cherishes you. I think that you should be gracious in the same spirit that he has been generous and let sleeping dogs lie. If you find that he is making a habit of it in the future then of course you should caution him about not exceeding his limits.

 

However, I must congratulate you on having been a patient and determined teacher to have been so successful in helping your husband undergo a sea change in his attitude towards gifting and in loosening his purse strings. Cheers!

[d0nnivain]

Thank you all.

 

 

I do love gifts. I'm just overwhelmed by the generosity. In a short space of time it's been a lot. Spread out over years I probably would have been . . . I don't know . . . less shocked.

 

 

My husband is a great guy. Even when we don't see eye to eye, I know he's an amazing man.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

My wife once gave back an expensive gift due to guilt. She had us return it and use that money for something else. That was 13 years ago. I've never forgotten it. I remember feeling heart broken that she didn't except the gift I had worked hard to save for and spent loads of time trying to find that perfect gift. She ended up buying the same thing for herself less than a year later once she determined we could afford it or had justified the price in her own mind. I guess it wasn't enough coming from me. Or maybe it was too much coming from me. Either way, no way in hell I'll ever forget it.

 

Just keep it and be thankful. Otherwise you will make him feel bad for trying to make you feel good. And no chance he forgets about it if you return it or anything dumb like that.

[d0nnivain]

I asked him if I could return it. He said no & looked hurt so I assured him I loved it (I do) but I am a bit freaked out about the money. I know we can afford it. It's just more than I think I'm worth. I'm trying to see my value through his eyes but it's not easy.

[amaysngrace]

If it's insured I'd wear it without issue.

 

Now go get a bag to match.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I asked him if I could return it. He said no & looked hurt so I assured him I loved it (I do) but I am a bit freaked out about the money. I know we can afford it. It's just more than I think I'm worth. I'm trying to see my value through his eyes but it's not easy.

 

I said no. She continued to feel guilty and talked me into letting her take it back. I just wanted to make her happy. It turned into me getting my feelings hurt to a point where I won't ever forget it. Just accept the gift and forget your guilt. We were college age kids WITH money concerns. You have no money concerns. Just be thankful and wear it as much as possible. Don't even hint at guilt around him. It's going to hurt him a lot. Your questions and asking to return it have already hurt him no doubt. Drop it, swallow your guilt, wear the watch with pride.

 

I understand how you feel I really do. I struggle with self worth every effing day. I don't imagine a time where my self worth and self esteem issues will ever go away. Abandonment issues, the whole nine. I got it too. For his sake, just please drop this guilt or swallow it or whatever you need to do. Please just let him have this. It's just as much for him as it is for you. Think about that for a while.

[WaitingForBardot]

/snip/ ...just let him have this. It's just as much for him as it is for you. Think about that for a while.

I totally agree.

[Els]

IMO you should accept it with gratitude - I don't think there's any way to tell him to "dial back" without disappointing him. Also, don't be afraid to wear the nice watch. I mean, honestly, at the end of the day what happens to the nice watch or jewelry that we are afraid to wear, the nice china that we are afraid to use? They would just remain in a cupboard, unused, possibly forgotten after some time.

 

We shouldn't be so afraid of losing material goods that we forget to live. (Caveat: of course, this only applies of you aren't living in a place where walking around with something expensive would significantly increase the risks of harm coming to you. AFAIK you are in the US so this wouldn't be too much of a concern)

[Got it]

Why not tell him what you wrote in your last few sentences. I think he would be touched by that and that seems to be the crux of your problem outside of the price tag on the gift.

 

My husband will go overboard at times as well and I just try and accept and enjoy since he seems to get as much or more of a thrill out of me enjoying them than I do.

 

Maybe going forward put a price limit on the gifts so no one feels outdone. Or work on a joint gift of a trip, etc.

[d0nnivain]

Why not tell him what you wrote in your last few sentences. I think he would be touched by that and that seems to be the crux of your problem outside of the price tag on the gift.

 

My husband will go overboard at times as well and I just try and accept and enjoy since he seems to get as much or more of a thrill out of me enjoying them than I do.

 

Maybe going forward put a price limit on the gifts so no one feels outdone. Or work on a joint gift of a trip, etc.

 

 

I am letting him have this. I'm expressing my insecurities to you all.

 

 

If he just gave me the watch that would be one thing. It would still be overwhelming. But he also bought me a number of other expensive Christmas presents. I did give him a trip for Christmas but he is also taking on a truly "once in a lifetime trip" for my upcoming birthday.

 

 

I don't want to put price limits on things. That is not the point. My family gives extravagant gifts.

 

My bigger concern through all this is why I feel so unworthy. It's more about me feeling so down on myself then his generosity.

[amaysngrace]

Of course you're worth nice things....whatever that means.

 

Does his ability to buy you expensive presents make you feel less than you use to feel about yourself because before you were the only one who was able to spend a lot of money?

 

Do you feel like you've lost some sort of power maybe?

[d0nnivain]

Amy

 

 

I actually considered that but I don't think that's it. I have had other people give me extravagant gifts before.

 

 

This time . . . it just really hit me. It was too much & I'm kind of in a bad place emotionally. I don't feel very worthy of anything right now. Therefore his extravagance feels undeserved.

 

 

I want to get past this so we can both enjoy the upcoming trip

[BettyDraper]

Amy

 

 

I actually considered that but I don't think that's it. I have had other people give me extravagant gifts before.

 

 

This time . . . it just really hit me. It was too much & I'm kind of in a bad place emotionally. I don't feel very worthy of anything right now. Therefore his extravagance feels undeserved.

 

 

I want to get past this so we can both enjoy the upcoming trip

 

Let your husband spoil you. Your husband clearly feels that your worth it and I hope you eventually come to accept that he's right.

 

Are you seeing a counselor since you're not in a good place right now?

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry you're not feeling so good about yourself right now. I hope you get out of this funk you're in before your trip too.

 

When is it and where are you going?

 

What do you think caused you to feel this way? Is it a bout of depression or did something happen to trigger these bad feelings or was it the gift giving itself that caused it?

 

I agree with Betty D that you should consider counseling if you can't get out of this on your own, but I'm pretty sure that you can figure your way out of this. You've got a very good head on your shoulders and you're always helping everyone else by giving quality advice.

 

Do you journal at all?

[d0nnivain]

I don't journal. I have tried in the past. It doesn't help. Instead of getting the bad stuff out of my head, it reinforces it. Journaling for me has the opposite effect. Once I write it down, it's real

 

 

I'm trying to get back into counseling. My therapist hasn't been helpful for a while. It's time to change strategies.

 

 

I have an appointment later today with a referral source, someone who can help me find a new therapist.

 

 

It's a combo of a lifetime of depression (it gets manageable, not cured) plus some recent triggers. I have low EQ in the sense that I can't get past it when I make mistakes. I dwell on them, neglect other things, those things become additional problems & down & down we go.

 

 

The trip is the last 2 weeks of March. I feel like if I don't get my <stuff> together professionally I don't deserve to go. But right now I'm stuck. I'm in that place where I'm afraid to do anything for fear of making everything worse.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Perhaps your husband realizes with gift giving he has been withholding. On these forums we so often see the negative and hear about people who don't want to change or don't think they need to. In reality there are many people who realize on their own they could do better as a spouse... or friend or even person.

 

Now he has to make up for all those times he brushed off gifts. If these gifts are within your means than enjoy them.

 

Totally. If he can afford it, let him spoil you if he wants to.

 

Imagine how upset you'd be if he thought things you gave him were undeserved. He's showing you how he feels because he wants to and he loves you.

 

I know a million women who'd love to be in your shoes. Now listen woman you go to bed with a smile on your face because you are in a loving relationship with a man who adores you. ((Happy))