Boyfriend's friendship inappropriate

[Shira]

Hello there,

 

I am having a weird set of issues with my boyfriend and want to kind of share. First, we've been dating for 5 years and living together for four. I think that things have gone relatively well in the relationship.

 

My boyfriend has an ex-gf from high school that he's maintained sporadic contact with through the years. They tried to be friends when we started dating, but he felt threatened that she wanted to be more and so ended the contact. Time passed, and I heard nothing about her for literally years. Then a couple of months ago, I was on a trip and called home to check in. He told me that he and some friends had gone to visit her and some friends for dinner. This was like, total news to me.

 

Fast forward - they text message each other a lot on the phone. Harmless stuff (I've read some of it) but w/a high frequency. Then somehow I got forwarded an email that she had sent to him, and I found it inappropriate. It talked about her being in underwear, etc.

 

I called him at work, upset and trying to figure out what was up with the email. He agreed that it was inappropriate, and that evening I told him that it bothered me. I also shared the data points from earlier interactions. He essentially said that my concerns were valid, that he shared the same concerns, but didn't know what to do about it. I could tell that he was agitated, and ended the conversation there.

 

After our conversation, I thought that he hadn't been in communication w/her. I hadn't seen any emails or her number on phone calls - then yesterday I saw a text message, so I think I've been naive.

 

I don't know what to do. I care about this man very much, and want to be measured in my response. However, I am somewhat upset by the situation and don't know how to address it. In five years, as much as I know, he's been totally faithful and has a number of female friends who have been interested in him and he's never crossed the line.

 

Do I just try to relax and see what happens? OR take another course of action?

 

Thanks!

Shira

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by Shira

I called him at work, upset and trying to figure out what was up with the email. He agreed that it was inappropriate, and that evening I told him that it bothered me. I also shared the data points from earlier interactions. He essentially said that my concerns were valid, that he shared the same concerns, but didn't know what to do about it. I could tell that he was agitated, and ended the conversation there.

 

During my marriage I was the one that had a friend from high school just like your husband.

 

She was my best friend and still is but during the marriage my wife asked that I stop communicating with her although my wife at times had invited her to get togethers and was liked by my wife..

 

Somewhere along the way she became jealous of my friend and after a couple of fights I ended the friendship.

 

I never understood why I had to but I did it to help the marriage and to help relieve my wife's concerns.

 

I always felt resentment towards her for that..I had known my friend almost 15 years at this point and we were just friends..

Today after the divorce I have rebuilt the friendship.

 

To answer your question.. As long as he is doing it above board and not hiding it then it is just a friendship ( most likely ).

And as long as you 2 talk about and listen to each other about it then things will be fine.. But if you tell him to remove the friendship and there is no good reason to then he will resent you for it.

Just because she is a woman doesn't mean he can't have a deep meaningful friendship with this woman.

 

He married you

 

I do think that he needs to calm down the texting an emails some to a level that things don't get out of line

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by Shira

He essentially said that my concerns were valid, that he shared the same concerns, but didn't know what to do about it.

 

He could stop emailing her so much. Merely because she's sending something doesn't mean he needs to respond. He can also say in a joking kind of way that she needs to find some unattached dude to talk like that to.

 

They talk too much and hang around too much. There's no reason for a person in a relationship to spend time or too much email time with someone who used to polish his rod.

 

Tell him to get his b@lls together and handle this with finesse, but handle it.

[Jolene]

Why do these guys hang on to these pathetic women like an old odd sock?

 

I almost broke up with my bf last week. I have frustrated him for the last 9 months because I am unsure of whether the threat is real or perceived. He has been forthright, it seems, but then he sent his ex a postcard when we were on vacation (a lot of other people got a postcard, too). But he had me thinking the friendship was so remote and harmless. But he is SO DAMN DEFENSIVE about it. He calls me jealous, immature and irrational. He must be an idiot to not understand why I would feel weird about it. "Do I have to consult you before talking to someone? She's just a friend. You have nothing to worry about. I encourage you to get friends of your own, and they are a very enriching part of a balanced life." So you see how you can't win this fight?

 

This turned into a trust issue, a feelings issue and it will never be resolved. Neither of us feel vindicated.

 

Why do they choose to allow these women to come between the ones they claim to truly love? I don't know, but don't let it come between you....that means she wins. Women are very catty, and men don't get that....hence the argument.

 

If we can get beyond the primal instinct that other women are a threat, we can enjoy our men wholeheartedly. Now, if I could just find a way to practice what I preach that would be good. It's complicated. Try to think of it this way.....if you had him comply with your every call, every whim and fancy, he would no longer be true to himself and you would find him less attractive. Let him stroke his ego in this harmless way. Consider it your gift to him (as it defied your natural instincts to accept it). But it's a whole lot better than having a man who visits strip joints, massage parlours, porn videos and the like....just to get his ego "stroked".

 

That's what I think it's about. So as long as he's not cheating on you, let him have it!!!! Oh and don't forget that friends are such an enriching part of a balanced life, that you can spend even more time with yours during those testing moments when you find out that he has yet to be forthcoming completely with you. Dissolve it in your own enriching friendships....that's what I plan to do in the future. One more fight about it, and think we will break up and I love him too much to lose him over HER. F her

[relention]

I honestly think that you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your boyfriend, but that you do when it comes to the girl. Talk it over together and decide together what to do! Good Luck

[MelWell]

I was in the exact situation. A relatively good relationship, with an ex who doesn't back off. He absolutely needs to cut this off.. It took me months to get him to completely end it (I would keep finding messages and whatnot, and she would call really late at night)....

 

But when I threatened to leave because I didn't think this was respectful or appropriate, he has cut it off since then. He, like your bf, felt my situation was valid, but didn't know how to cut her off...

 

i even answered the phone one day when she called really late, i didn't say anything mean, i just answered his phone. she asked for him, and all i said was "wow, it's 2am, don't you think it's a bit inappropriate to be calling someone else's boyfriend at this tiem"

 

after a while, she fizzed off... i'm not saying to answer his calls (my situation was getting out of hand).. but if he loves you, he needs to stop. or you'l lbe paranoid and snooping the whole time, and believe me, that feeling really stinks.