Why is it so difficult to talk to women?

[KennyP]

I feel like it's incredibly and unnecessarily difficult to form a connection with women these days. I'm a 25 yr old male who has had a couple long term relationships, but since my last relationship ended over a year ago, I feel like the odds of finding a girl I'm attracted to and compatible with is one in a million.

 

I'm not a shallow person at all, but I'd like a girl that I'm not only attracted to on an emotional and mental level, but on a physical level as well. I feel like there are girls who I could possibly mesh with well in terms of personality, but it never fails that they're the ones I'm not attracted to physically. There seems to be some type of threshold that occurs whenever I find a girl I'm attracted to physically. The ones that I find physically attractive seem to be more entitled or have less to offer personality wise because they believe their looks compensate for their lack of a brain.

 

My first two long term relationships came to an inevitable end because I placed too much value in the physical aspect and they were founded in lust. They each had unique personality traits that I valued, but both were extremely possessive and jealous types, although I never cheated on either of them, and they both ended up being cheaters. I'm really trying to find a girl who encompasses everything I'm looking for. But whenever I try to just talk to a girl casually who I feel may have some potential, it doesn't ever materialize into anything.

 

I've been sexually active with a few girls since my last relationship, but each of them were basic and had nothing of value to offer beyond looks. I've tried to talk to A TON of girls on Tinder and Facebook, but to no avail. It becomes discouraging after a while. I really don't try to force the issue either. I've matched with a lot of girls on Tinder, and when I message them, they either don't respond or the convo fizzles out quickly. But trust me, I've varied my approach when talking to girls in every way possible. I've sent long, thoughtful messages where I comment on things I like about their personality and things they have on their profile, and many girls will say something a long the lines of "That was the most thoughtful message anyone has ever sent me" but then will seem intimidated afterwards and become entirely disinterested. I've approached girls with witty jokes and I'll get a laugh here and there but then they act disinterested. I even bounced a couple jokes off of a buddy of mine who is very blunt and doesn't hold back his opinion (the reason I asked him in the first place), and he said my openers seemed hilarious and he doesn't understand why a girl wouldn't at least say something back. I've also tried to just be real casual and laid back, but then they seem bored, and again, disinterested. I've even had a few girls who're super interested it seems, and then they just randomly lose interest out of nowhere. I've even tried the snarky, ass-holish type of approach.

 

It just doesn't make sense to me. I've been told a lot from girls how attractive they think I am, and I've even had girls I've been with who're obsessive about how attractive they think I am and just absolutely fawn over me. The girls who approach me very strongly and pursue me are NEVER the ones I'm attracted to, however. There's seems to be such a hard and rigid line between girls I'm attracted to, and girls I'm not attracted to. I could have a 100 girls a day if I was just with the girls that are attracted to me but that I don't find physically attractive at all, but the girls I'm attracted to are VERY difficult to engage with. And I'm not overly picky in terms of looks. Ethnicity doesn't matter to me, and I'm flexible on body types.

 

It seems like girls my age are VERY dense, though. The attractive ones value the wrong things in life and everyone is so immersed in social media and following along with popular culture. But even when I try to talk to a girl that I find attractive who aligns with much of my philosophies in life and one who seems enlightened, they're still not reciprocating much interest, even when I'm extremely thoughtful and say something that blows them away. I had a girl who was very attractive that I was talking to tell me how she had never felt understood by anyone as much as she felt understood by me, but then wasn't interested in talking much longer after that. But then I have a friend who is admittedly not the smartest guy and who doesn't have any aspirations whatsoever, and a lot of girls like him because he's just cute. Even though he cheats on every girlfriend, he mooches off of them, he can't hold a substantive conversation whatsoever; but girls still like him. But he's one of these guys that puts the dog filter face on his pictures, he post dumb and cliche statuses, and is extremely attention seeking. Why is this what girls value?

 

I only mention my friend because that stuff is a point of reference. But it seems like most the girls I find physically attractive value all the wrong things in life. I'm not attracted to them as a person whatsoever. But even the ones I feel like have potential are unresponsive for the most part. And forget about just approaching a random girl in public. Girls act like it's taboo or something to approach them in the super market or at the gym or any other public place. They behave skittishly almost. I feel like I'm in a God damn alternate universe at times. Why are people so weird? Why can't people just be down to earth and open minded? Even girls who are physically attracted to me will act weird if I just approach them in person. I feel like I'm confined to meeting a girl through work because that's the only environment they feel familiar and comfortable enough to open up. But why can't two people acknowledge they find each other attractive, and just try to get to know each other? Girls don't even give you a chance most times, though. Why is it weird just to converse and get to know someone? If you find out you don't mesh, you can just stop talking to each other. But why even close yourself off from someone entirely without the possibility of getting to know them?

 

This stuff is just defeating at times.

[VeveCakes]

What age range are you looking at...I feel like the majority of your problems come from girls who are in their early 20s. Flake city.

 

Are you stuck on a type of attractive? If you want someone who has values beyond what make up to wear, then try for women who are more down to earth and natural in their profile. Girls who don't party a lot, like maybe country girls or something different. Lots of attractive women out there that are not the typical pretty girls.

 

Also, I know myself I hate when men open with a joke on a dating site. It's just cheesy and I barely ever reply to those.

 

I find a hey, how are you works just as good.

 

Another thing that might be worth a try is to do less chatting online to see if your personalities and values match. If you are into someone then ask them for coffee. Get to know them in person instead. You might be giving off some vibe in your online conversations that you don't realize.

[bebe23]

I agree with the above!

 

You're a younger man, so I'd guess that going by simple stereotypes and the way you type (long and philosophical) you are more into intellectual, "nerdy" things. The girls you are most attracted to are likely NOT your type of girl. They are more shallow, cheerleader types, into fashion and shoes. The guys they date are the athletic jock type of young man, who will just write 'Yo wassup?' and other such mindless sentiments.

 

I can relate because when I was young, I was a geeky girl who liked books and staying at home studying and watching Star Trek, but I was ONLY attracted to jocks! I ended up dating and later marrying a guy who was a chemistry/biology major and was a combination of nerdy AND athletic. He enjoyed playing sports like tennis, hockey and distance running, and he was in the military which had that 'man in uniform' thing I've always been so crazy about. He had a little bit of BOTH types in him.

 

So you need a girl who is into the nerdy things like you probably are, but who ALSO has those 'cheerleader' traits that you like- long pretty hair, giggly personality, high heels, cute clothes. They are out there! My own daughter in her late teens is an example. She is dating a boy who is probably on the 'geekier' side.

[anuba]

You should try meeting girls who share your hobbies/interests.

Meeting someone who shares something you enjoy makes it lots easier to connect and chat without some of the awkward things that come up in different circumstances.

 

A big reason some guys seem to attract so many girls is because they just keep trying, even when they have girlfriends, they're still out connecting with other girls.

 

Eventually, some girls realize this and move on from those guys to someone more genuine.

 

Honestly, I'm no expert but I really doubt people on Tinder are looking for deep, heartfelt connections but that's just me.

 

Good luck!

[preraph]

The very attractive girls who also have great personalities aren't going to want you. They're going to be able to take their pick of guys and will want someone who is very very attractive too and has something going for him as well as a great personality. You are a victim of media saturation making you want media-perfect women, who are few and far between and can date whoever they want. You should be dating the women you get along well with and have any iota of attraction for. The sad thing is you don't know what love is. If you loved anyone you'd know that how they look ends up being secondary, plus as we all know looks fade as we age, so if you're not careful you're on the path to be one of those pathetic 40 year old guys who only chases young women who think he's ridiculous.

 

So in your case, the women are hard to talk to because they don't want to talk to you because they're more attractive than you are.

Edited February 2, 2017 by preraph

[WaitingForBardot]

At its core, the problem you describe is universal and timeless. I think it was best summed up by George Bernard Shaw:

 

"The fickleness of the women whom I love is equaled only by the infernal constancy of the women who love me."

[Popsicle]

I'd lie to go out with Tom Brady but he won't talk to me.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I don't really think that's true though I used to ... more so.

 

I think the more you think about this stuff, the more it BECOMES true and the more miserable you make yourself and the world. And trust me, I used to think about it a lot.

 

My more attractive male friends did not end up with my more attractive female friends and vice versa. It's a hodge-podge. And if you REALLY think about it, beauty is all a construct and presentation (especially for women). The difference between the most beautiful woman I know and the ugliest (if I had to pick) is a lot smaller than you would think. Go on your Facebook page and try it.

 

One of the reasons I like my current GF is we never talk about looks. We don't talk about our looks, my friends looks, her friends looks. Go on and on about how so and so are an equally matched couple as far as looks and go on and on about how so and so co-worker/friend is such a catch because they're so hot or handsome. At least not yet, I'm crossing my fingers.

 

I hate that sh@t.

Edited February 3, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[Telemachus]

You've gotten some good replies and constructive suggestions already. I'll add a few observations. Your posting is very long. The communication gap you perceive could be because you like to talk, but not to listen.

 

As far as approaching women you don't know, and you mention places like a gym or grocery store, think about why they're there. It isn't to meet and speak with you. They have a purpose, and you're interfering with that to serve your own interests. Be that which you say you seek - down to earth and open-minded. No woman with whom you have no existing acquaintanceship owes you even a second of her time for conversation. It's not wrong for you to ask politely, but you have unrealistic expectations about what people's responses and reactions should be.

 

My overall observation is that you're falling into the trap of self-deception. It isn't other people that are the problem, but rather you and what you're doing. Keep doing what you're doing, and you'll keep getting what your getting.