BeanCounter2 Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 My bf and I have been dating for almost a year. At the beginning of our relationship he told me he goes to church every Sunday. I'm not religious at all and he told me he was agnostic. The reason he was going to church was because he promised his ex he would raise their daughter, she's 7, in a Christian home. After several months he finally agreed that he didn't need to meet them at church on the Sunday's he does not have his daughter. They are one week on one week off. He still takes her to church on the Sunday's he has her. My issue with it is: 1. He does not believe 2. The ex meets them at church 3. He plans our weekends around making sure he takes her to church I believe him when he says he doesn't want to be with the ex but I struggle with the fact that he says we (his daughter and I) are his new family yet he won't make new family routines and memories on Sundays because of a promise he made to the ex. A ex, I should explain, who had no problem cheating and lying to him the whole time they were married. I want to start a new life with this man and his daughter but I get upset every other Sunday when he goes off to church with his daughter rather than the three of us doing something together. Thoughts? Comments? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 10, 2016 Share Posted July 10, 2016 He has more integrity than his ex, which is a good thing. That he promised her to help raise their child in a delusional worldview when he's not a believer does not bode well for his intelligence or ability to stand up for what HE believes. I guess you'll have to decide which is more important, and what the real facts and priorities are here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 11, 2016 Share Posted July 11, 2016 I want to start a new life with this man and his daughter but I get upset every other Sunday when he goes off to church with his daughter rather than the three of us doing something together. Thoughts? Comments? You need to accept a few realities, both in terms of getting involved with someone previously married with children and step-parenting said child. When it comes to his child, you are much more consultant than CEO. He is always going to be involved as co-parent with his ex and, if you continue with him, you'll be handed the frustrating task of providing part-time care for someone in who's rearing you'll have little direct say. In short, a tough job with some downside and much ability to affect your relationship. At this stage, I'd cease the demands, back off and let things develop at their own natural pace. YMMV... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BeanCounter2 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 My boyfriend has a 7 years old that he shares with his ex. For the most part things amicable between my bf and his ex. We are discussing moving in together and I've mentioned that I don't feel comfortable with the ex having a key to the house if I'm going to live there. In general she asks before entering the house but she has been known when angry to simply walk in. I think the feeling, from her part, is that because it's also her daughter's house that she has the right to come in. Just wondering if it's unreasonable of me to want the key returned. I don't want to cause problems but if it's going to be my house as well I don't want her to have the ability to come in whenever she wants. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BeanCounter2 Posted January 31, 2017 Author Share Posted January 31, 2017 My bf's daughter is heading off to counseling to deal with some angry issues and to figure out how to accept her parent's divorcing. My bf and I are in the process of moving in together over the next couple months. My bf when setting the first appointment did not think to have me come along. It is going to be him, his ex wife and his daughter. My thoughts are if he wants his daughter to start thinking of me as a parental figure and if we wants her (daughter) to think of us a parental team I should have been invited. I feel like he thinks of him and his wife as team number 1 when it comes to parenting and then I'm secondary. We are talking about getting married and I wonder if I'll always been considered an after thought. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Why would she need a key to YOUR place? Regardless if the child is there or not, its not her home. She has no right to a key at all. I think some boundaries need to be created with her. Your ex needs to tell her, its not her home, regardless if the child is there or not she can not just enter his home without prior consent. GET THE KEY BACK! No way this should be tolerated by you or him! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 You are secondary when it comes to parenting his daughter. At best even if you live with your BF & his child stays in your home, you are nothing more than daddy's GF. You will have the right to set some boundaries in your home -- no jumping on the furniture but don't kid yourself you will not have a major say in any important decisions including but not limited to discipline. At best you get to set safety standards but not much more. It's a really delicate balance. I agree that at some point you should be included in the counseling because you will be an adult in the girl's life but from her perspective the counselor sets the initial boundaries & that is her & her parents. You are not a parent. You're not even a step-parent at this point. It all has to be what's in the child's best interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I take it you would be moving into the place your BF currently has? Is this the marital home he previously shared with the mother of his daughter? You are going to have a devil of time getting that key back. You are better off paying to change the locks then asking for the key back. Besides how would you know she didn't copy it before returning it. Now the daughter is 7 but what about when she becomes a teen? She's going to need her own key & mommy will have access to that. Think long & hard about where you want to draw lines & what hills you are willing to die for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Of course your concern is reasonable. The question is how does your bf refer to your concern. His answer is the "key"... Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 Dont move in with him until you are married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 My bf's daughter is heading off to counseling to deal with some angry issues and to figure out how to accept her parent's divorcing. My bf and I are in the process of moving in together over the next couple months. My bf when setting the first appointment did not think to have me come along. It is going to be him, his ex wife and his daughter. My thoughts are if he wants his daughter to start thinking of me as a parental figure and if we wants her (daughter) to think of us a parental team I should have been invited. I feel like he thinks of him and his wife as team number 1 when it comes to parenting and then I'm secondary. We are talking about getting married and I wonder if I'll always been considered an after thought. Thoughts? This isn't about you right now, it's about the well being of their daughter. Let them work through this and don't try to be a step parent right off the bat. You're a friend to her and until she's ready to accept you as more, let it go. You can't force it or make her see you as another family member. It would be totally inappropriate for you to be involved in her counseling session this soon. Maybe in the future but not now. You are not going to replace her mom, nor should you be involved in discipline or major decisions, especially so soon. It takes time and trust to build. Were you and her dad an item before they divorced? Just wondering if things started out as an affair and if that is the case, their daughter won't accept you for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 My boyfriend has a 7 years old that he shares with his ex. For the most part things amicable between my bf and his ex. We are discussing moving in together and I've mentioned that I don't feel comfortable with the ex having a key to the house if I'm going to live there. In general she asks before entering the house but she has been known when angry to simply walk in. I think the feeling, from her part, is that because it's also her daughter's house that she has the right to come in. Just wondering if it's unreasonable of me to want the key returned. I don't want to cause problems but if it's going to be my house as well I don't want her to have the ability to come in whenever she wants. Since they share a daughter, and it seems she used to live in the house? Then it's up to him, your bf her ex to talk to her about it. You shouldn't confront her, she'll blast you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 I take it you would be moving into the place your BF currently has? Is this the marital home he previously shared with the mother of his daughter? Two very good questions, the answers to which have a bearing on the responses. You're not just moving in with a BF, you're also putting yourself into the middle of a long-standing family dynamic. Just your presence alone is going to put you in somewhat of a step-parent role, which also has it's own set of challenges. Possession of the key may seem like a minor issue by comparison. I'd be careful... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 He does sound passive... but honorable in a way too. Being a man of his word is important to a lot of men. I think he should keep going to church on the Sundays he doesn't have his daughter. It's too easy for his ex to try to use that as a psychological tool on their daughter to create the appearance of separation. Plus it's more time with her. His promise also doesn't discount him from taking the daughter to a different church. Lots of different versions of Christian I see out there. Plus a lot of time the regularity of it and the ceremony are just as important to childhood development as the teachings. Kinda weird to hear myself say that. Lol. Either way the others here have asked a lot of good questions that have bearing on the best way forward for you. I don't have enough information to give any more advice than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 First, stay away from the daughters IC. You are an outsider. The daughter will blame shift the divorce onto you. A friend Who's husband married trophy girl who is only 6 years older then their oldest daughter is a nightmare. So talk only with your husband and to see how you can support him. Second: church, do you have an issue with what they teach? Do you know how many secular versions of the bible, without mentioning God, but say the exact same thing are out there? Pick your battles. For example: his Sunday he goes to church with daughter meets with ex, then meets you for a nice brunch. Just the three of you! I know a lot of great places in NJ for a Sunday brunch. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 31, 2017 Share Posted January 31, 2017 You're not even living together yet & all your thoughts are negative & about you. My honest advice is, get out now. If you continue, you're going to be miserable bc you're never going to run the show with his daughter & it's evident you can't handle it...you'll be miserable, in turn your BF will become miserable & his daughter isn't going to like you. Kids see a situation so much quicker than adults. Don't get involved in a situation you can't handle & make others deal with your insecurities...it's called being an adult & knowing your weaknesses. Get a bf with no ex or kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Globug Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I have to ask...if the 7 year old is having anger issues in regards to her parent's divorce...how long have they been divorced? Is the divorce final yet? As a step-mom who has been there / done that I wish someone had shaken me by the shoulders 20 years ago & set me straight about how to handle a few things but if the divorce is fairly new, or not even final yet you might be jumping the gun in trying to develop a family dynamic with him & his daughter Link to post Share on other sites
Author BeanCounter2 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 I appreciate your comments. I am still getting used to this whole situation and understand lots of adjustments will need to be made. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BeanCounter2 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 They have been split 2 years ago. Divorce is in the final stages. You are right I might be unrealistic in regards to a family dynamic being there yet. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I would hold off on moving in until after the ink is dry on the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 They have been split 2 years ago. Divorce is in the final stages. You are right I might be unrealistic in regards to a family dynamic being there yet. Is he still living in the marital house with his ex? even though divorce is almost finalized? Have you met their child? If not, might want to wait a little long until she's comfortable enough to meet daddy's new girlfriend. It's going to take a....long....time....for a family dynamic to happen between you and their daughter. It's very unrealistic to expect her to embrace you as her step mom let alone trust you right off the bat. It takes time, patience, love, and putting her first above your own needs/desires/insecurities. Link to post Share on other sites
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