Boyfriend Isn't Moving After all, Pretty Heartbroken

[Maliel]

I'm pretty upset and i'm not sure what to do.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for about three years and last July I moved a couple states away to accept a job offer. We maintained our relationship as a long-distance thing under the notion that he would eventually move to my new state. I've been waiting for him to move here for almost six months now. After his short term job ended in December, we agreed that he would start finding jobs in my state. As he was working on his resume with someone from our school's alumni office, he got a message from a friend of his that stated that a school had an immediate position to fill and that he should apply to interview. He applied to interview and ended up getting offered the job.

 

The major that he got a degree in, he completely loathes. He's been learning that his passion is teaching, but he doesn't have a teaching certificate or any formal education in teaching students. I don't want him to turn down this opportunity but at the same time I can't help but feel pretty upset because I felt like he should have at least tried to interview at places near me (he hasn't sent one resume to anywhere around me.) This new opportunity just feels like it will delay his moving here indefinitely.

 

When I expressed my concerns and feelings, he got upset and said that he was getting really stressed.. well what did he think would happen by applying for a job in the wrong state?

 

It just sucks. I want to be a good girlfriend and supportive and happy for him but I just can't help but feel lack of support on my end.. and like he'll just never move here.

[d0nnivain]

Jobs are hard to come by. As you stated this is a great opportunity for him.

 

 

Any chance you can change jobs to move closer to him?

[Maliel]

Any chance you can change jobs to move closer to him?

 

No, I just started this job not too long ago and it's a good job. I don't see why I should leave my job when I worked hard to get here and he never even had one interview at a place in my state..

[d0nnivain]

What do you want more?

 

 

Do you want to be right & continue to be pissed at your BF for not even interviewing in your state?

 

 

Do you want to make your LDR work & stop being LDR?

 

 

Do you want to "force" him to come to you?

 

 

The reality is that if your job is your priority, it's time to end this LDR because you have no hope of closing the distance gap. If the relationship is your priority the ball is now in your court to close the distance which means giving up the job. I suppose you could both stay in your respective states & you can continue to let your anger fester but that sounds like a soul sucking relationship killer.

 

 

The choice remains yours.

[justwhoiam]

last July I moved a couple states away to accept a job offer

1. How many resumes did you send out?

2. How many of those were for in-state positions?

 

a school had an immediate position to fill [...] He applied to interview and ended up getting offered the job.

 

The major that he got a degree in, he completely loathes. He's been learning that his passion is teaching

You know it would have been hard for him to get a teaching job, which is what he wants to do.

 

I want to be a good girlfriend and supportive and happy for him

Then be that way. Let him have this experience at school. It will help him understand if it is what he really wants to do. This professional experience in his resume will make him more powerful while applying for the job he wants, in other states too.

 

Now my advice. Be flexible: the fact that you got a good job doesn't mean he can't get a good job. You found a good job out of state and didn't let it go. You can't demand he does that for you (renouncing a good job), when you were not able to do that for him.

[VeveCakes]

No, I just started this job not too long ago and it's a good job. I don't see why I should leave my job when I worked hard to get here and he never even had one interview at a place in my state..

 

So you can have your dream job but not him?

 

Either move and support him, or continue LDR....or break up.

[Whodatdog]

I think his actions are showing you that your relationship is not a priority. If it were, he would have moved to you when his job ended and job hunted there. He didnt. You can continue with a long distance relationship, or you can end it. But his actions speak louder than words.

 

Edited to say: I just read your other threads. He lives with his mother, who he says depends on him. He also seems to have a very close female friend. The fact he's not moving? Well, I think the writing is on the wall. In fact, theres nothing in your previous threads that shows your relationship is a priority to him.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Whodatdog

[justwhoiam]

I just read your other threads. He lives with his mother, who he says depends on him. He also seems to have a very close female friend. The fact he's not moving? Well, I think the writing is on the wall. In fact, theres nothing in your previous threads that shows your relationship is a priority to him.

 

Maliel accepted his crumbles. She's in her 20s and could aim at something more than just crumbles. Also, I'd never be with a guy knowing he couldn't have the girl he wanted and still in touch with her. Clearly, the choice didn't depend on him (he was rejected), and that'd be enough for me to reject someone. Personally, I need to be chosen, and not fill in the gap. I'm no stopgap, and I don't want to play the part of fallback option.

[Maliel]

What do you want more?

Do you want to be right & continue to be pissed at your BF for not even interviewing in your state?

 

It's not even about being right, it's just about the principal, it feels like he barely tried.

 

The reality is that if your job is your priority, it's time to end this LDR because you have no hope of closing the distance gap. If the relationship is your priority the ball is now in your court to close the distance which means giving up the job. I suppose you could both stay in your respective states & you can continue to let your anger fester but that sounds like a soul sucking relationship killer.

 

Yeah, he has mentioned that his jobs allows transfers and there are a couple places he could transfer to in my state, but this is the third time i've trusted him to move here. I've never been in a situation like this and I just feel taken for granted hopeless about it at this point.

[rester]

I think his actions are showing you that your relationship is not a priority. If it were, he would have moved to you when his job ended and job hunted there. He didnt. You can continue with a long distance relationship, or you can end it. But his actions speak louder than words.

 

 

On the flip side, maybe he harbors some resentment over the OP leaving him after two years for a job in another state.

 

Disclaimer: I have not read her other threads.

 

 

 

It's not even about being right, it's just about the principal, it feels like he barely tried.

 

Yeah, he has mentioned that his jobs allows transfers and there are a couple places he could transfer to in my state, but this is the third time i've trusted him to move here. I've never been in a situation like this and I just feel taken for granted hopeless about it at this point.

 

I can understand why you feel this way, but from his perspective, you didn't prioritize your relationship over your career, so why should he?

Edited February 1, 2017 by rester

[Maliel]

Maliel accepted his crumbles. She's in her 20s and could aim at something more than just crumbles.

 

I think we're all guilty of caring too much for someone, even if they're not the best person for us.

 

Also, I'd never be with a guy knowing he couldn't have the girl he wanted and still in touch with her. Clearly, the choice didn't depend on him (he was rejected), and that'd be enough for me to reject someone. Personally, I need to be chosen, and not fill in the gap. I'm no stopgap, and I don't want to play the part of fallback option.

 

I've definitely learned in life to never say never. Anyway, they're not friends anymore and no longer communicate so that's very much a nonissue at this point. However..

 

I'll be sure to keep you in mind next time I have an issue since you've decided to play the part of a detective by investing time studying my previous posts and crafting some unnecessary assertions.

[Maliel]

On the flip side, maybe he harbors some resentment over the OP leaving him after two years for a job in another state.

 

I do not think this is a possibility. He was not only glad I got the job but knew that leaving was best for me. Both of us were not doing well where we lived and we were both largely going nowhere if we had stayed there.

 

I can understand why you feel this way, but from his perspective, you didn't prioritize your relationship over your career, so why should he?

 

Good point. I never expected him to not prioritize his career, I welcomed him and supported him in whatever career decision he chose.. as long as it was near me. Before I moved he said he still wanted to stay together and make it work, one of the agreements we had was that he would come to my state and I was very vocal about not wanting a long-term long distance relationship. He had no objections to my wishes so we just went forward from there. Fast forward seven months and he's still in the same place. It's extremely discouraging to say the least.

[Maliel]

I think his actions are showing you that your relationship is not a priority. If it were, he would have moved to you when his job ended and job hunted there. He didnt.

 

I asked him to move here and just find jobs here. He was not working and said that he felt largely uncomfortable by the idea of paying for rent/utilities/gas/food/etc while he looked for a job. A person doesn't wanna spend hundreds of dollars living somewhere else when they can look for a job where they currently live, it made sense.

 

Edited to say: I just read your other threads. He lives with his mother, who he says depends on him. He also seems to have a very close female friend. The fact he's not moving? Well, I think the writing is on the wall. In fact, theres nothing in your previous threads that shows your relationship is a priority to him.

 

He does prioritize our relationship but he also has had a lot of personal and professional stuff that he needs to get figured out too. You can want to prioritize someone you care about but lack the means or ability at times because your life just isn't where it should be. He has done incredible things for me but this is what comes with caring for someone who took a long time to decide to grow up.

[elaine567]

I can't help but feel pretty upset because I felt like he should have at least tried to interview at places near me (he hasn't sent one resume to anywhere around me.) This new opportunity just feels like it will delay his moving here indefinitely.

 

I think the fact he never applied for any jobs near you is very telling.

I am sorry but he just doesn't want to move to your State.

So if you do not want to move, and he doesn't want to move, then that in reality sounds the death-knell on your relationship as being in a LDR with no clear cut end date is madness.

[d0nnivain]

It's not even about being right, it's just about the principal, it feels like he barely tried.

 

Yeah, he has mentioned that his jobs allows transfers and there are a couple places he could transfer to in my state, but this is the third time i've trusted him to move here. I've never been in a situation like this and I just feel taken for granted hopeless about it at this point.

 

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for letting you.

 

 

You may very well have been taken for granted & this may be hopeless. If the relationship is truly dying, put yourself out of your misery & end it.

[justwhoiam]

I think we're all guilty of caring too much for someone, even if they're not the best person for us.

We can all be disappointed too.

But as you didn't answer my questions, I guess they were touching some raw nerve.

 

I've definitely learned in life to never say never.

True. That's wise. But being assertive can be wise too.

 

Anyway, they're not friends anymore and no longer communicate

You can only trust what he's telling you. You can't know for sure they don't talk anymore. What I know for sure is that many guys will say that to reassure you, to avoid arguments, but with no intention of stopping.

 

you've decided to play the part of a detective by investing time studying my previous posts and crafting some unnecessary assertions.

Detectives usually find out things that are not there for all to see, or better, their job is to bring things to light. I didn't need to do that. Your threads and posts are public, and that's why Whodatdog read them and raised a good point.

[basil67]

If he had stated upfront that he was going to stay put, would you still have moved away for work?

[Whodatdog]

Statements you've made in this thread. You need to listen to what you are saying about this guy. None of it sounds like he has any interest whatsoever in moving to where you are:

 

I've been waiting for him to move here for almost six months now. After his short term job ended in December, we agreed that he would start finding jobs in my state.

 

can't help but feel pretty upset because I felt like he should have at least tried to interview at places near me (he hasn't sent one resume to anywhere around me.) This new opportunity just feels like it will delay his moving here indefinitely.

 

Yeah, he has mentioned that his jobs allows transfers and there are a couple places he could transfer to in my state, but this is the third time i've trusted him to move here.

 

Both of us were not doing well where we lived and we were both largely going nowhere if we had stayed there.

 

Before I moved he said he still wanted to stay together and make it work, one of the agreements we had was that he would come to my state and I was very vocal about not wanting a long-term long distance relationship. He had no objections to my wishes so we just went forward from there. Fast forward seven months and he's still in the same place.

 

I asked him to move here and just find jobs here. He was not working and said that he felt largely uncomfortable by the idea of paying for rent/utilities/gas/food/etc while he looked for a job. A person doesn't wanna spend hundreds of dollars living somewhere else when they can look for a job where they currently live, it made sense.

[MJJean]

If a man wants to be with a woman, he'll move Heaven and Hell to do it. This guy couldn't even be bothered to put in a few applications in your state. What does that tell you?

[kidm]

He didn't even try to pretend that he was looking for jobs near you. Not one resume was sent. You moved to better your life and he did the same. It doesn't sound like either one of you made the relationship a priority and are focusing on your career first which isn't a bad thing but what that means is the relationship pretty much ended when you moved despite his talk to moving closer to you.All talk, no action.

[Els]

Not being snarky, honest question: Why do you expect him to prioritize your relationship over his career when you prioritized YOUR career (by moving to a different state for a good job)? I'm not saying that prioritizing your career is necessarily a bad choice (in fact, it might be the smartest choice in your situation), just that you appear to be expecting the reverse of him. Is that really fair of you?

 

Sometimes things can work when one partner prioritizes their career and moves for it, and the other partner moves to follow them. But make no mistake, it is a sacrifice and needs to be reciprocated, otherwise resentment will follow. If you want him to follow you around for the benefit of your career, then you need to try to make things easier for him. You mention rent/bills being a concern for him - are you willing and able to have him move in with you and support him financially while he searches for a job?

[BaileyB]

It's not even about being right, it's just about the principal, it feels like he barely tried.

 

You can stand on your principal, but you will be very lonely...

 

In a perfect world, he should have tried harder to find a job and move to be with you... if that was your plan. The fact that he didn't do this should really cause you to re-examine your relationship. Perhaps, he is not as committed as you would like to believe.

 

But, the decision is made now so you have a choice to make. Stay at your job and continue your relationship long distance and/or break up. Or, you should try to find a job and move back to him. But, only do this if you have a strong commitment from him that he is committed and this relationship is going to go the distance.

 

But really, you can't ask him to priorize your relationship over a job opportunity when you are unwilling to do the same. To get upset about that isn't really fair to him.

Edited February 5, 2017 by BaileyB