Update on my longstanding marriage problems, the good and bad.

[bebe23]

I looked back at when I first was on LS and had posted this thread:

 

http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/520648-going-dates-h-he-always-talks-about-work

 

Well, to be honest there really isn't much change from a year and a half ago. I followed some of the advice given about how to boost my own self esteem with activities and hobbies outside the home and kids, like writing books. And I did! I am proud to say that I've written and self-published 2 novels since the time I posted that thread.

 

The problem was that it hasn't made me feel better, it's made me feel WORSE because my novels have not sold. The creative writing market is so flooded with hobby writers and there's no way that I can tell my friends and husband 'I'm an author' when I've only given away over 3000 free Kindle downloads and only sold 8-9 books.

 

It's leading to a downward spiral of depression again, and I've started waking up in the middle of the night crying about my life and my marriage. My husband not only talks about work a lot, but he works ALL THE TIME. I have suggested to him that I'd like more dates out, but like he has always done, he puts romance last on his agenda. He wants to take another a big tropical vacation next summer--but it's more geared toward his and our daughter's hobby of ocean scuba diving, rather than something for 'us.'

 

I am 47 now, I don't want to divorce and split my family up, my husband is moody and grumpy, I am starting to experience the physical symptoms of menopause, and I don't have the credentials to get a good enough paying job to move out on my own. (I still have the part time job working with handicapped children.) We can't really afford counseling. I wish that we could take the money he wants to spend on his scuba diving vacation and use it towards marriage counseling, or sprucing up the house and redecorating, or even a nice trip for just him and me, but we are never on the same page.

 

I just feel really down today, and I've told him until I'm blue in the face the reason why I'm not interested in sex. One morning last weekend he actually answered the phone WHILE we were making love. He was talking to a customer and I could hear this lady's voice by my ear IN BED, while in the act! I totally kid you not.

 

It's actually funny to me, because it shows how much he can't even take a few minutes away from work. But that isn't what makes me sad. What makes me sad is his utter cluelessness that I am not satisfied, and he keeps saying that simply "having more sex" will make it better. Sure, it will make him feel better for a day or two, but it doesn't do much for me.

 

Thank you for 'listening.' There are a lot of other people on this site who go through similar things. The only difference is that other women have gone on to have affairs, or have started the process of separation and divorce, and I haven't.

Edited January 31, 2017 by bebe23

[BettyDraper]

Answering the phone while making love is grossly inappropriate and inconsiderate. I think you need to set firmer boundaries. Your needs are just as important! Maybe that means refusing to have sex until there is an attempt to resolve the other issues.

It's not fair that your husband demands sex when you don't feel loved.

[d0nnivain]

You are an author because others are reading your works. You are also a professional author because 8-9 people have paid for your work. Be a bit more gentle with yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

The creative writing market is so flooded with hobby writers and there's no way that I can tell my friends and husband 'I'm an author' when I've only given away over 3000 free Kindle downloads and only sold 8-9 books.

 

To me, having 3000 people interested enough in your writing to download your book is an accomplishment. Not sure why you're so hard on yourself.

 

Why do you write? I'm an avid tennis player, it meets my needs for fitness, competition and companionship. And yet, since I'm in my 60's and play with a younger group, I lose more matches than I win. If match count were my only metric, I'm not a success. And yet I look forward to playing every day, the sport is an expression of me and the things I prioritize. As an author, I'd hope writing serves the same purpose for you.

 

I'd guess feeling better about yourself would contribute to better feelings about your marriage. It sounds like you have the structure of a good relationship with all the challenges the rest of us face after years together.

 

Though, have to admit, taking work calls during sex is a new one on me :eek: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Are you part of a writing group? I found a couple on meetup that I go to and like.

 

Ultimately though I'm not sure if you want to talk about your marriage, your depression or your writing?

[bebe23]

Are you part of a writing group? I found a couple on meetup that I go to and like.

 

Ultimately though I'm not sure if you want to talk about your marriage, your depression or your writing?

 

I want to address my marriage, because my own issues (feeling better about my writing and getting out of my depression) are things I can change.

 

I can't MAKE my husband change and be the kind of man who gives me joy, passion AND security. He can do the security thing, as much as he works. I just wish he could see how he can work on the other two things before the marriage feels dead.

[BettyDraper]

I want to address my marriage, because my own issues (feeling better about my writing and getting out of my depression) are things I can change.

 

I can't MAKE my husband change and be the kind of man who gives me joy, passion AND security. He can do the security thing, as much as he works. I just wish he could see how he can work on the other two things before the marriage feels dead.

 

It's true that you can't make anyone do anything.

All you can do is set boundaries based on what kind of treatment you will tolerate. Nothing will change until you stand up for yourself.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Bebe, sorry to see that you are in such an unhappy place. I understand your frustration with your husband being too focussed on his work. However I think you need to separate your need for enhancing your own sense of self and happiness from any dependency on your husband. I remember about reading of a person whose first name was Victor who being Jewish had been incarcerated in one of the Nazi concentration camps during World War 2. I do not remember all the details but I do know that in those depressing circumstances with people dying around him daily and having to live in filthy conditions with barely enough sustenance to keep body and soul together, he was able to realize that he could be physically imprisoned and subjected to abject privation but mentally and spiritually he was free and no one on earth could imprison his spirit. With that attitude, not only was he able to survive in those horrible conditions but at the end of the war he was released and lived to tell his tale. My point in retelling this story is that no matter how depressing your conditions seem to you, if you so desire, you can find a way to feel free and happy in your own right without having to depend on your husband for your happiness.

 

I know that you would expect to find happiness in marriage with your husband but it seems that there is a basic incompatibility between you two. In ideal circumstances you could divorce your husband and move on with your life but apparently your circumstances do not permit that. You, therefore, will have to find ways and means to realize your potential and thereby regain your self esteem once again so as to feel happy and complete in yourself. When your husband finds that you are a changed person in whom a light has come on and when you attract other people to you because of your sunny and cheerful attitude, he too, will start respecting you and will try to woo you again as he probably did when you two first met. I have a suggestion for you if you are really serious about changing your personality for the better. There is a book by the name of 'Psycho-Cybernetics' written by Dr. Maxwell Maltz which you will be able to get on Amazon, which lays down the principles of how to regain your original self, the person you were meant to be. If you are serious about changing your circumstances then you should get this book and work on the exercises given in it. The book says that you have to be patient and allow a minimum of 21 days to see the changes in yourself. Once you find positive changes taking place within yourself you will feel encouragend to keep practicing the principles outlined there till you are able to effect a complete personality change in yourself. Once you have done so then come back and tell us about yourself. If you yourself feel attractive about yourself then others will be drawn to you like a magnet. Warm wishes.

[aileD]

Those 3000 people might be willing to pay to read your next novel....don't give up. Market yourself. It's all about marketing!

[bebe23]

Hi Bebe, sorry to see that you are in such an unhappy place. I understand your frustration with your husband being too focussed on his work. However I think you need to separate your need for enhancing your own sense of self and happiness from any dependency on your husband. I remember about reading of a person whose first name was Victor who being Jewish had been incarcerated in one of the Nazi concentration camps during World War 2. I do not remember all the details but I do know that in those depressing circumstances with people dying around him daily and having to live in filthy conditions with barely enough sustenance to keep body and soul together, he was able to realize that he could be physically imprisoned and subjected to abject privation but mentally and spiritually he was free and no one on earth could imprison his spirit. With that attitude, not only was he able to survive in those horrible conditions but at the end of the war he was released and lived to tell his tale. My point in retelling this story is that no matter how depressing your conditions seem to you, if you so desire, you can find a way to feel free and happy in your own right without having to depend on your husband for your happiness.

 

I know that you would expect to find happiness in marriage with your husband but it seems that there is a basic incompatibility between you two. In ideal circumstances you could divorce your husband and move on with your life but apparently your circumstances do not permit that. You, therefore, will have to find ways and means to realize your potential and thereby regain your self esteem once again so as to feel happy and complete in yourself. When your husband finds that you are a changed person in whom a light has come on and when you attract other people to you because of your sunny and cheerful attitude, he too, will start respecting you and will try to woo you again as he probably did when you two first met. I have a suggestion for you if you are really serious about changing your personality for the better. There is a book by the name of 'Psycho-Cybernetics' written by Dr. Maxwell Maltz which you will be able to get on Amazon, which lays down the principles of how to regain your original self, the person you were meant to be. If you are serious about changing your circumstances then you should get this book and work on the exercises given in it. The book says that you have to be patient and allow a minimum of 21 days to see the changes in yourself. Once you find positive changes taking place within yourself you will feel encouragend to keep practicing the principles outlined there till you are able to effect a complete personality change in yourself. Once you have done so then come back and tell us about yourself. If you yourself feel attractive about yourself then others will be drawn to you like a magnet. Warm wishes.

 

Well, I wouldn't say that there is a severe incompatibility between us. We are both on the same page when it comes to the major issues and values of life, and together we raised some pretty awesome kids. I feel like God wanted us together for the fact that our (very opposite- INFP and ESTJ) personalities combined would make for wonderful children raised with both warmth and easygoingness (from me) and firmness and work ethic (from him).

 

And I really honestly can't compare my marriage to a Nazi death camp. I think my main gripe with my husband is so extremely common to a lot of wives. He is basically clueless.

 

I just have to get over the fact that he IS clueless.

Edited February 22, 2017 by bebe23