Wife Travelling Alone - Meeting Old Boyfriend

[tommy.tiedup]

My wife and I have been married for 25 years, and together for almost 30. We have 2 older kids, and run a business together..

 

Many moons ago, before we even knew each other, she took a trip overseas on a tour with kids her age. During this tour, she met a couple of local guys, whom she befriended, and began dating one. After the official end of the tour, she stuck around for an extra week, and toured with these two guys, until she returned to the states.

 

We met the year following and had in common, among other things, my having toured the same country the following year. As we started getting friendly, she referred to her boyfriend overseas, numerous times, telling me she had a boyfriend.. Not having to be the kind of guy that has to be clobbered over the head, I said, OK, cool, and backed off, but she didn't want to leave it like that, and continued to be friendly with me, while I continued to date other girls.

 

One evening, I asked her where her boyfriend lived, and she told me overseas, I asked when was the last time they saw each other, she said over a year. I inquired about when was the last time she heard from him, she said, over a year. As our friendship progressed to the "necking" stage, during one session, she referred to me by his name, in the heat of the moment. I let it pass. She began talking less and less about him, but did maintain a correspondence with his friend, who traveled to the states to visit family, and stayed with her and her family for a week. I was ok with it. He was a good guy.

 

Now, 25 years of marriage has passed, she has just completed a bout with cancer, and the opportunity for her to travel back to his country with a group of women has come up, I was all for it.. I was even ok when she asked if I thought is it was a good idea to visit the friend, and stay with him and his family (wife kids etc) for a couple of days before her tour starts, and I said sure..

 

Then one day, I am looking through the emails on our shared computer, and come across the correspondence with her overseas friend, and he and his wife are very happy she is coming, in one email she asks about her old boyfriend, and if it is possible they could get to see him... Not quite sure how I feel about that part, any thought?

Edited February 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Michelle ma Belle]

Hmm...I'm not sure this necessarily warrants sounding off the alarm bells just yet BUT I will say that I think it's pretty damn disrespectful for her to go to all the trouble of appearing transparent about her trip including her asking for your blessing as she plans her return to the country where her ex lives only to then go behind your back and try and arrange a meeting with him.

 

Although I wouldn't necessarily be worried about her having an affair, I would be supremely pissed that she disrespected me in such a way.

 

OP, how has your marriage been these last 25 years? Would you say your wife is happy, satisfied, fulfilled or has she been lacking in some way?

 

I suppose any concerns you might have would be rooted in the state of your marriage. If she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her loyalty and by all accounts you're happily married then maybe it's something best left alone. If, on the other hand, there is even a seed of doubt, perhaps confronting her about it would be your best defense if only to let her know you know what she's up to. Hopefully this 'friend' and his wife wouldn't encourage any funny business while on their watch but then again, she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions, good or bad.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[tommy.tiedup]

Michelle, thank you for your input. What I should have mentioned, but neglected, is that the friend with whom she will be staying, told her that he hasn't been in contact with the "boyfriend" for a very long time, and doesn't know what is up with him. I always felt the state of our marriage to be good. I've always felt like we had a real partnership, raising our children, travel, investing for our future and our kids future. I put my business on hold for two years to care for her during her recovery from cancer. I was genuinely thrilled for her when she presented this travel opportunity, but the thrill was tempered when I saw that message. I had 3 relationships prior to meeting my wife. I never really looked up or looked to connect with any of my ex-girlfriends. I guess the lesser angels of my nature have gotten the better of me.

[d0nnivain]

Is there anyway you can go on this trip too?

[tommy.tiedup]

Unfortunately not. The bulk of the trip is women only. Also, while my kids are older (teenagers), they still need to have someone around. We can't leave them for two full weeks.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tommy, it seems to me that the very fact that you are here is setting off some alarm bells in your mind. Only you know your wife and what her strengths and weaknesses are. One would think that after so many years of no contact and building a life with you, she would have forgotten about him. Her wanting to meet up with him could be just out of curiosity to see how he has gotten on in life and to share her story with him. In all these years did you ever suspect that she had been in contact with him on phone, by letter or by e-mail? If not then as I said this may just be curiosity on her part with no ulterior motive to it.

 

As an innocent test you could casually bring it up in conversation as to whether she would be meeting up with her ex while staying with his friend. Her reaction to your question will tell you a lot about her intentions. If she reacts guiltily then you know something is up. If she is nonchalant about it and says she might try and meet him if possible then you know that her intentions, at least at this point are good. Once she meets him and if there are any dormant or suppressed feelings on both their parts then things could go awry. Whatever it is I wish you the very best and hope things turn out alright for you. Warm wishes.

[tommy.tiedup]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I will try an formulate in my mind a way to broach the topic. Perhaps in a humorous way, and she how she reacts to it. I would like to believe, and do believe that it likely is just an innocent inquiry into someone she once knew, and that would be that. But travelling far from home, alone, and meeting up with someone with whom at one time, there may have been a physical if not emotional attachment can lead to unintended consequences. I don't doubt her good nature, but sometimes events can get out of control. All of this being said, I don't know if she slept with him while they were together for those few weeks. She claimed she did not, and that I was her one and only, but I did not see that telltale evidence when we started sleeping together either. I also have not seen any evidence that she attempted to contact him in any way via social media or email, and the mutual friend did indicate that there has been no contact between him the the "ex" for a very long time. Let me be clear, I do not hold her previous life against her, as she does not hold mine against me. We move forward from the moment we met, and do not live in the past. She has though, occasionally mentioned her time spent with the boys, maybe with or maybe without any cognizance to my feelings on the topic.