In love/infatuation with long term partner and another friend

[Mon24]

Hi everyone. Im new to this forum stuff but just wanted some advice from outside parties..

 

Im 24 years old and have been with my current boyfriend for 9 and a half years.

We bought a house together about 6 months ago but are still living seperately with our own parents. We plan to renovate (as he is a builder) and move in to the house in about 2-3 years time.

I loved this man (he is my age) when we first got together at 15 and still do but in the last few years I have been feeling like I want to have a break from the relationship as I have really never been my own person since age 14 and I just need to understand myself, who I am.

 

I also find myself meeting new guys through friends and what not and finding them attractive but the feeling eventually dies down.. I feel like my head or heart is telling me something that I don't want to hear like 'you don't love him anymore and are subcontiously looking for someone else'

 

I did speak to my boyfriend about my feelings of wanting to be alone a few times but he doesn't understand the concept and thinks I'm just "stressed from work and need a day to get over it" and also tried to not get me to break up with him "because the last 9 years would of been wasted" ....but if it's been happening this long I feel like this isn't a faze anymore?

 

To add to the confusion I work in an industry where I'm constantly meeting new people and also seeing regular clients every couple of weeks.

About 2 years ago I met this one client who at first I thought was attractive but then the same thing happened and I got over it.. now 2 years later I've been seeing a lot more of him at work and we've been getting to know a lot more about it each other and just general chatting. in the last 4 months ive been having these feelings of some sort of lust towards him.

Not to sound obnoxious but I get the same vibe from him that he is interested in me..

The feelings and connection is fairly strong I feel and I know he is single he also knows I'm in a relationship.

 

I just don't know where to go from here it's not like I want to jump out of one relationship straight into another but I definitely still feel like I want out of the long term and just into a world of caring only about myself for a while and doing what I want.

 

I feel like I sound selfish but sometimes that's what life's about and our life is our own so we shouldn't have to live our own life just to make someone else happy right?

I feel like I'm at a crossroads that could determine my future and coming from an Italian background, family and planning stuff like that I've grown up believing it's such a huge part of life.. so in saying that since I was very young I was always looking for a boyfriend and always wanted to get married and have kids and be a stay at home mum by the age of 25! But now I feel like I've grown out of that a little and right now I just feel like taking a few months or years to experience something other than that..

 

So I either stay with the security of knowing I'm going to be with a loving man and amazing family who has a secure job and we have similar interests and values to a degree. Or leave and be on my own for a while and pursue something with this other guy which im not 100% sure how he feels anyway.. but I guess lifes about taking chances huh?

 

Gosh I just need a little advice!

[sandylee1]

I think you should break up with your boyfriend. You're young and you've been with him since you were a child and have no other relationship experience.

 

You've grown up a lot from the time you got with him and feel the need to explore what it's like to not be in this relationship and see what else exists out there.

 

If you just go through the motions and get married out of obligation, you'll regret it and grow more curious over time, potentially leading to an affair. It's much better to explain your feelings to an extent to your boyfriend and end it.

[Mon24]

Thank you for that, blunt but it's true. I feel like I've known that this whole time but I'm just to comfortable with him and scared to admit it.

[BluesPower]

Yes Sandy is correct...

 

I mean you are 24. Most women explore various relationships between 16 and you age. You need to see what is out there and it is totally normal

 

Just understand that after you break up with current BF, there is no going back. He has plans in his mind with you.

 

But I think you know that. And if you don't get some relationship and sexual experience now, then when. How will you know what you want until you have seen and experienced other things???

[somanymistakes]

I'm going to take the opposite side here. If you love someone, DON'T break up with them just because the grass might be greener and you don't know what you're missing.

 

I can't tell you how many people give up a good thing at your age for exactly that reason and live to regret it horribly.

 

Especially people who've been primed by television/movies to believe they're supposed to have crazy whirlwind romances instead of their comfortable love, or who believe that they're supposed to spend their college years partying and having wall-to-wall sex, and believe they've somehow been cheated because they haven't had these experiences that media tells them "everyone" has. Well, no, everyone does NOT have those experiences, and breaking up with your current partner does not guarantee that you will be able to go out and have them, either! A lot of people leave their long-term partners, then discover that they can't actually find a good new relationship, then try to go back but find out that it's too late...

 

I would give anything, anything to be able to go back to my college years and NOT break up with my first love.

 

If you actually don't love him anymore then yes, move on, but if you're just not sure what else is out there, that's a terrible reason. You will never know every possibility in the world, no matter what you do. There are always other options, other partners, other lives you could be having. You can't let that consume you or you will never be happy.

[central]

I see both sides here. If you break up, you may not meet anyone as good for you, and will regret the choice eventually. If you stay together, you may always wonder what you've missed, in terms of life experiences and perhaps an even better match.

 

 

In the past, people often paired up as young as you, and married not long after. For life. It worked well for many. Now, there are so many more options, of course, but they don't always lead to happier lives.

 

 

Personally, I'd probably choose the break up option, and take my chances so that when I did finally decide to marry, I would have enough experience to know that I'm not missing out on much, if anything.

 

 

It probably won't work to take a year or two break while you both date others. Either there will be too much resentment to get back together, or one or both of you will have found someone else (it will be harder on the person who does not find someone else, if they feel the break was a mistake, though). So, whatever you decide, make it clean and make it stick: stay together and get married, or break it off and move on decisively (don't stay in each other's lives).

[Mon24]

Is it wrong to fall out of love with someone? I just feel so terrible..

I feel like I owe it to him to stay with him.. but I don't know why.. I don't want to break someone but I'm constantly second guessing the relationship or more my feelings towards it

[What_Did_I_Do]

I see both sides as well (d*mn if I could turn back time). Anyway...

 

Thing is, if you are already wondering what it's like with someone else, that thought will likely grow and build until you either break up with your boyfriend or have an affair.

 

If you were 100% committed to moving into marriage and family then there would be no thoughts of experimenting with other partners or longing for a single life.

 

Security or try with a guy that you don't know how he feels. Hmmm.

[anika99]

I see both sides as well (d*mn if I could turn back time). Anyway...

 

Thing is, if you are already wondering what it's like with someone else, that thought will likely grow and build until you either break up with your boyfriend or have an affair.

 

If you were 100% committed to moving into marriage and family then there would be no thoughts of experimenting with other partners or longing for a single life.

 

Security or try with a guy that you don't know how he feels. Hmmm.

 

The above pretty much sums up my thoughts too. The thing is that if you break up with your bf who sounds like he truly loves you and is devoted to you, you really might never find that again. It can be a cold hard world out there. It's easy to find someone you lust after and who makes your heart go pitter patter. Those are a dime a dozen but often the most lustful high chemistry relationships are the most dysfunctional and most devastating.

 

On the other hand, it's not fair to you or your bf to continue down the path to marriage if your heart is not in it and you are secretly longing for something new and different. Most people don't spend a lifetime with their first love. You were essentially still a child when you met your bf and now that you have grown up its natural that you want to spread your wings. So ultimately this is a decision only you can make. There are pros and cons of either decision.

[whichwayisup]

Break up with him and be alone and ON your own for a long while. Forget the other guy too. You don't know who you are (without a guy in your life). It's a life skill you can learn to become self sufficient and take care of yourself. You're in a safe place and everything is taken care of for you.

[whichwayisup]

Is it wrong to fall out of love with someone? I just feel so terrible..

I feel like I owe it to him to stay with him.. but I don't know why.. I don't want to break someone but I'm constantly second guessing the relationship or more my feelings towards it

 

It isn't wrong. It's just how it works. It's very very rare that the first person you fall in love with is your life partner, even more so since you've been with him since you were 14. You've changed, he's changed and life experience with other men is what you've missed out on. You don't owe him your life just because you've been with him for so long. That's not fair to you or to him.

[Hummingbird17]

Feeling in love is a very fleeting feeling. If you are going to get a new relationship every time you no longer feel in love, it may be a lonely life.

 

You are young and you have been with him since you were very young. But if overall the relationship is good and you are questioning whether you should be with him because there is an attraction to another man, I wouldn't be so quick to leave it. There has been research that those feelings for your partner come and go. Just because you don't feel that way now doesn't mean you won't in 6 months.

 

There is proof on here where someone will end a relationship and years later regret it and want them back. But at that point they have moves on and can only be the other woman.

 

If you want to be alone. Break up. If you think jumping from this relationship to another will offer different results, I wouldn't. Maybe y'all can change up somethings and do something new together. Helps remind you why you fell in love with him in the first place.

 

Would you be upset if he was with someone new? Is the coworker married?

[Whoknew30]

I've been with my H since that age & we married when i was 19...we had a lot of problems & even though I love him with all my heart, I wish I would have lived a bit on my own as an adult.

 

If you feel like this now, getting married & moving into together is going to make it worse. Break up with him & go live a little. If it's meant to be it will happen if not, you won't waiste years of wondering. Good luck

[mightycpa]

It's only natural that you have these desires. They won't go away until you satisfy them.

 

Even a gilded cage is a cage. The argument made by some is that you're living in a very nice cage, so if you open the door and leave, you may find that the best you're going to do is some scratchy old bird's nest, and you're eventually going to long for the cage, but there will already be another one in it, or the door will be locked for you. Maybe that's true. But even that doesn't mean it feels any less like a cage right now.

 

The other possibility is that you find a cage just as nice, or maybe even a better one, one that you're happy to stay in. Maybe what you'll find out is that you have no need for a cage at all. I think it's worth a look.

 

The other thing to think about is your BF. Maybe he deserves someone who sees the relationship not as a cage, but as a home, or a welcome respite from the rest of the world. Maybe he deserves someone who wants to be there. You're clearly not that person, at least, not today.

 

On balance, it is far better to regret what you did than what you were too afraid to do.

 

I vote for breakup. Find yourself. Let him go.

Edited February 1, 2017 by mightycpa

[bewell]

If you just go through the motions and get married out of obligation, you'll regret it and grow more curious over time, potentially leading to an affair.

 

 

THIS! I don't mean to hijack the OP but this is EXACTLY why my exMM got into an A with me. He married out of obligation through a family arrangement with a dowry. He didn't date his W at all -ever. 4 hours into meeting her (and she did not speak a word of English), they exchanged vows in Korean.

[sandylee1]

You don't owe it to him to stay. I'd hate for a man to stay with me out of obligation or because he felt he owed me.

 

I've seen so many people marry their high school sweetheart and further down the line, they start getting curious, because they've never had anyone else sexually... and there you go.

 

We grow so much from our teenage years. I don't think this is a case of GIGS.

[JediLin]

@Mon24 – Hi Mon, thank you for sharing your situation. I understand why you are feeling the way you are, especially since you started dating so young. Seems like your current boyfriend really cares for you but yet he has not asked for your hand in marriage. That is something you should think about, being in a relationship does not necessary mean you are in a commitment. Marriage is the commitment.*Have you considered sharing your feelings with him?*Infatuation*can be an indication that*something is wrong with your current relationship, its best you take care of it now.*Do you have a trusted friend or family member who knows you well who could speak into this situation? Please know I will be praying for you.