Trying to save marriage after wife's affair

[lostNbroken1964]

Here goes...I have been reading the site for the past 7 months but this is the first time Im posting. On June 27th I noticed a lot of very long phone calls to and from the same number on my bill. When I asked I asked my wife who It was she immediately told me she had been talking to her ex husband. She was married for only 6 months to him and we are married for 21 yrs together 25. It started when my son needed a sign for his eagle scout project and my wife said that her ex was in the business and that he may be willing to donate the sign. I wasn't at all threatened by him and trusted my wife so he made the sign handed it to my son and me on my driveway and I sent him a thank you.

 

Well they started communicating after that . I immediately called him when she told me it was him and asked him what the f8ck business did he have talking to my wife. He gave me some bull**** that his oldest child had a drug problem and they where just talking. I called his BS and said I aint stupid you have been talking to her for 9 months. I immediately called my wife and told her she broke my heart. Packed some cloths and left. She kept calling but I wouldn't answer. I was parked behind the mall crying my eyes out for hours.

 

Finally she had my 2 sons start calling me asking where I was and to come home. I decided I couldn't have my kids worrying about me so I returned. We talked and then had sex I held her and made love to her and she started hysterically crying in the middle of it. After I went into a downward spiral where I cried everyday most of the time. I could barely function in my job or think clearly at all. Each day I awoke with the same pit in my stomach and and anxiety and depression set in.

 

She told me she wouldn't talk to him anymore but she was lying. She watched me go from a Scoutmaster, Manager of 30 people at work and very accomplished in many areas(true renaissance Man) to a broken shell of myself. I was truelly broken doubting everything that was good in my life for the past 25 years. I have 2 sons one in college and 1 that's 18. Needless to say I couldn't eat or sleep for 7 months.. I ate but had no appetite. About a month after D day I found out(from a friend) that He came down to Atlantic city when she was on a girls overnight trip. Now I was completely crushed...how could she watch me shattered and broken and still see him. That hurt the most. I know I made a lot of mistakes after DDay. I clinged I pleaded I begged. I confronted him and almost ripped his throat out. I had no anger really towards my wife and never raised my voice through out the whole thing except for when I found out about atlantic city. I did do some damage to some drywall on that occasion.

 

I love my wife with all my heart and am trying to save my marriage. I started journaling and writing poetry(never had before)...I also noticed that the affair had changed who I was as a person. My EGO was gone and I felt myself becoming very in tune with my emotions. It stripped my down to my true identity. I was soft spoken had empathy for her and everyone in the world. I was always a good person but this was real change(not temporary). I have been trying everything softball ,hardball, nice weekend trips, date nights to try to get her to open her heart. Its been 7 months since DDay. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me.

 

She says she doesnt know herself anymore. So we are still living together and I am doing all of the heavy lifting to try and save the marriage. She and I have has gone to IC and a few sessions of couples therapy. I am here today because I don't know what to do anymore. Its like she is coated in Teflon. I love her with all my heart and want to grow old with her. Ive owned all my **** and all the mistakes that I made in our relationship.(the new improved me made this very easy). I have approached this situation putting in an enormous amount of work educating myself this has really consumed me. I ask if she is still seeing him and she says no. She says shes trying and loves me but she isn't doing anything to reassure me.

 

My life has been an internal hell under my fake smile. Im at the point where I pick up on all the little idiosycracies or missing affection. We were in separate beds for about 3 months with no sex. We now are back in same room but I just feel something is missing... please help me Im broken...My pressure is 180 over 100 now so im seeing the physical effects of the stress. Why cant she recommit? I wasn't the one who cheated and she has turned the whole thing around on me. Thanks Everyone and sorry for the long post

Edited February 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Lilyana76]

So sorry you are going through this.

 

This is what cheaters do, they try to make it your fault. Been there, done that. You have to remember SHE is the one that made the choice to do what she did, to you and her family. SHE needs to be held accountable. SHE needs to work at winning you and your trust back.

 

I'm glad you are both in therapy, that will help tremendously if she sticks with it. In my experience my ex wouldn't continue because he said the therapist made everything seem like it was "his fault". He never wanted to accept responsibility for his actions.

 

It sounds like you aren't sure if she is in contact with the OM. You need her to be completely transparent. You need to have access to her phone, email, and any other accounts she may use to contact him. You have to be able to SEE that she is trying. Not just hear her saying it, because you can't trust her for her word anymore.

 

EEEEK at your blood pressure.. have you seen a doctor? I started having daily panic attacks at the end of my marriage, it caused my blood pressure to rise significantly. See a doc soon!

[understand50]

Here goes...I have been reading the site for the past 7 months but this is the first time Im posting. On June 27th I noticed a lot of very long phone calls to and from the same number on my bill. When I asked I asked my wife who It was she immediately told me she had been talking to her ex husband. She was married for only 6 months to him and we are married for 21 yrs together 25. It started when my son needed a sign for his eagle scout project and my wife said that her ex was in the business and that he may be willing to donate the sign. I wasn't at all threatened by him and trusted my wife so he made the sign handed it to my son and me on my driveway and I sent him a thank you.

 

Well they started communicating after that . I immediately called him when she told me it was him and asked him what the f8ck business did he have talking to my wife. He gave me some bull**** that his oldest child had a drug problem and they where just talking. I called his BS and said I aint stupid you have been talking to her for 9 months. I immediately called my wife and told her she broke my heart. Packed some cloths and left. She kept calling but I wouldn't answer. I was parked behind the mall crying my eyes out for hours.

 

Finally she had my 2 sons start calling me asking where I was and to come home. I decided I couldn't have my kids worrying about me so I returned. We talked and then had sex I held her and made love to her and she started hysterically crying in the middle of it. After I went into a downward spiral where I cried everyday most of the time. I could barely function in my job or think clearly at all. Each day I awoke with the same pit in my stomach and and anxiety and depression set in.

 

She told me she wouldn't talk to him anymore but she was lying. She watched me go from a Scoutmaster, Manager of 30 people at work and very accomplished in many areas(true renaissance Man) to a broken shell of myself. I was truelly broken doubting everything that was good in my life for the past 25 years. I have 2 sons one in college and 1 that's 18. Needless to say I couldn't eat or sleep for 7 months.. I ate but had no appetite. About a month after D day I found out(from a friend) that He came down to Atlantic city when she was on a girls overnight trip. Now I was completely crushed...how could she watch me shattered and broken and still see him. That hurt the most. I know I made a lot of mistakes after DDay. I clinged I pleaded I begged. I confronted him and almost ripped his throat out. I had no anger really towards my wife and never raised my voice through out the whole thing except for when I found out about atlantic city. I did do some damage to some drywall on that occasion.

 

I love my wife with all my heart and am trying to save my marriage. I started journaling and writing poetry(never had before)...I also noticed that the affair had changed who I was as a person. My EGO was gone and I felt myself becoming very in tune with my emotions. It stripped my down to my true identity. I was soft spoken had empathy for her and everyone in the world. I was always a good person but this was real change(not temporary). I have been trying everything softball ,hardball, nice weekend trips, date nights to try to get her to open her heart. Its been 7 months since DDay. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me.

 

She says she doesnt know herself anymore. So we are still living together and I am doing all of the heavy lifting to try and save the marriage. She and I have has gone to IC and a few sessions of couples therapy. I am here today because I don't know what to do anymore. Its like she is coated in Teflon. I love her with all my heart and want to grow old with her. Ive owned all my **** and all the mistakes that I made in our relationship.(the new improved me made this very easy). I have approached this situation putting in an enormous amount of work educating myself this has really consumed me. I ask if she is still seeing him and she says no. She says shes trying and loves me but she isn't doing anything to reassure me.

 

My life has been an internal hell under my fake smile. Im at the point where I pick up on all the little idiosycracies or missing affection. We were in separate beds for about 3 months with no sex. We now are back in same room but I just feel something is missing... please help me Im broken...My pressure is 180 over 100 now so im seeing the physical effects of the stress. Why cant she recommit? I wasn't the one who cheated and she has turned the whole thing around on me. Thanks Everyone and sorry for the long post

 

OK,

 

1) Paragraphs are your friend.

 

2) Did she sleep with him, or only talk? You are not really clear about is they got together in Atlantic City?

 

The first thing, is to see if she is committed to the marriage. It looks like she is checked out, and you need to approach it from that angle. I hate to say it, but it looks like starting the divorce paper to shack her up may be the way to go. You must be willing to "let" her go to keep her.

 

Second, she must come completely clean with what happened. You need to know what you are forgiving. I think much of you issues, is that you do not know the whole story. Are you guys in MC? I so think it would help.

 

Have her read, and you as well, "how to help your spouse heal from your affair - Linda MacDonald" Google it and you can find the PDF. Also the top link.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

These two things will give you a baseline to decide what she should be doing. You also have work to do, but lets first get her at least trying. The question I asked my wife was "Do you want to stay married?" after I told her I wanted to try and fix the issue we were having. I think you need to ask your wife the same question.

 

At this time I would not be surprised if she is defending herself by her actions, because she does not want to face up to what she has done, and feels this is the only way. In some ways, we make it hard to get the truth. You may have to take some of the consequences off the table to get the whole truth. You also must be able to accept it if it is given. It will hurt, so make sure you are willing to hear the hard answers if you ask the hard questions.

 

You are going to get a lot of advise, stating you should divorce, that divorce is the only way, and oh by the way have you thought of divorce? It will be a steady drum beat. If you want to reconcile, you must make this a goal and work towards it. Every action should be in light of the following: "How does this help or hurt my reconciliation?" Do not get off track, keep to your goal. Many of us here are in long term reconciliations, and can give you our point of view. Many here will cry divorce, and only such. You need to decide what you want and then take what you need from Loveshack.

 

In may be in the end, that you will divorce, but you will at least have the knowledge that you tried. Divorce is always there, so it is not like you are closing that off forever. Again, have her read the two links, I think it should really help you both.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Overtaxed]

Wow man, does this sound familiar; I'm in the same boat, just found out about the affair a few weeks ago, but am feeling everything you describe. If you'd like to see the story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/610566-low-sex-partner-affair-fresh-d-day

 

I had no anger really towards my wife and never raised my voice through out the whole thing except for when I found out about atlantic city.

 

I've been doing the same thing; but, honestly, you have to get angry. The person you trusted the most in the world hurt you more than anyone else probably every could/will. That's cause to be angry and lose control of your emotions. Until I did that, my wife said "It seemed like you didn't care", which wasn't true at all, I just control my emotions very closely and am very careful not to let my temper get the best of me. Emotions seem to help, at least for me, to show my wife the pain she caused me and help her show some empathy.

 

I ate but had no appetite.

 

Right there with you man. On the positive note, I look fantastic, I've been riding and lifting WAY more than normal; coupled with a destroyed appetite, I probably look better than I have in years.

 

I know I made a lot of mistakes after DDay. I clinged I pleaded I begged.

 

This is a mistake. Honestly, given what you've said, I'd say you might need to take drastic measures to reverse this mistake. Tell her to get out. Let her sit in the hotel, not you. Yes, it's drastic, and yes, it may end your marriage. But I don't see what you're doing leading you to a good place either and you're sacrificing your self respect by pleading with someone who obviously doesn't care right now.

 

She says she doesnt know herself anymore. So we are still living together and I am doing all of the heavy lifting to try and save the marriage. She and I have has gone to IC and a few sessions of couples therapy. I am here today because I don't know what to do anymore. Its like she is coated in Teflon.

 

Man, did this hit home. "Coated in Teflon" indeed. It's so hard to "get through" to the WS after an affair, I never expected what I got. It's like they become pure psychopaths overnight, no emotions, no remorse, defending the AP.. It's nuts. And it's also normal (from what I'm reading, I'm by NO MEANS an expert here). Keep working at it. Get her to realize what she's done. Confront her, make her "feel" what your feeling. I don't have any specific suggestions here; I've used scenarios with my wife "What would you feel if I ....". But you have to get through to her, and you have to pull the Teflon off. Kicking her out might do it. But you have to be firm, even though you feel like your weak (as do I), you are in the right here. You have EVERY RIGHT to be firm, to get mad, and to make demands (including some that might seem unreasonable). Passwords/unlocks for EVERYTHING is non-negotiable. You have to get transparency or you won't be able to heal. If the AP is still in the picture, the healing can't start at all.

 

I wasn't the one who cheated and she has turned the whole thing around on me.

 

Also totally common. My wife has done the same thing. I was "at fault" because I wasn't meeting her needs. A lot of this was just pure BS/internal justification. Turn it right around on her; talk about your unmet needs in the marriage and ever so gently (as in, scream it at her) tell her "BUT I DIDN'T CHEAT".

 

You have to break through the armor. It may take drastic measures. It may not be possible. But you can't just sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. That won't work.

[central]

The new, improved you needs to find a new, improved wife. Your marriage is not worth saving since she is not in love with you. It's almost certain than she had sex with the ex, and is unrepentant and unremorseful. You are doing the heavy lifting - frankly, it should be her doing ALL of it, if she wants to preserve the marriage. You are showing weakness, and no one respects weakness.

[DKT3]

The mistake so so many BS make particularly husbands, is fearing that taking strong actions will push his wife to the other man. This creates a bigger issue in that it allows her to believe you will accept this behavior. As long as she can keep status quo she will. It's time to make her make a decision, you do this by deciding you won't live with/in Infidelity. She can either ride with or get off.

[Overtaxed]

The mistake so so many BS make particularly husbands, is fearing that taking strong actions will push his wife to the other man. This creates a bigger issue in that it allows her to believe you will accept this behavior. As long as she can keep status quo she will. It's time to make her make a decision, you do this by deciding you won't live with/in Infidelity. She can either ride with or get off.

 

Yup, made/making exactly the same mistake myself. Women are attracted to men with power, men who are confident, and men who take decisive action. That doesn't change just because she blew up your life. One of the tasks, IMHO, in "fixing" an affair is to rebuild attraction. A lot of women lose attraction for their husbands because they eventually emasculate him in the relationship. This is the time to reverse that. If she wants to stay, you're going to be "laying down the law" as to what that looks like.

[lostNbroken1964]

I did go to the doctor and am now on blood pressure meds for first time in my life...Getting 2d echo next week. thanks for asking.. you may be right about getting her out into her mothers house or something.

She said shes afraid that I may hurt myself..my reply was don't flatter yourself my family is too important to hurt in such a selfish way. I really dont want her to leave but seeing her all the time just brings the pain to the surface.

My kids know nothing. I would love to tell them whats going on because then the rubber hits the road(consequences). Sorry about the paragraphs i was writing through the tears. When I think of my children and a broken home it brings me back to the pain of my childhood which I didn't truly deal with until therapy recently.

I have tried to create some consequences like moving my direct deposit into my own account and limiting her uncontrolled spending. I also changed beneficiaries on my life insurance policy to my children. A cool 1.5 mi. She didnt like that. lol she said im your wife..my reply "you used to be"

 

I have started going out and meeting people because i crave love and some attention so I can feel good about myself. She has stolen my self esteem and self worth. I almost think she loves the control. I caught her checking up on me and my reply was do you care or not? If you dont care you dont care. sorry for the rambling its the first time ive really shared some of this..

I never realized the pain involved in these situations. I always said I would kick her to the curb if she cheated but I reacted totally different once faced with it. Im 53 do I want to start over ? NO but I know know that I need to be loved and appreciated if not by her by someone else. My therapist was funny she said you will make your next wife a great husband with all of my personal growth...I cant say how grateful I am for you guys. I should have done this a lot sooner. Godspeed to all you compassionate souls

[lostNbroken1964]

understand50 thanks for your reply. Taxed also for making me feel that im not going crazy. You tend to doubt yourself. Someone used the word Emasculated which I need to reverse

As far as Sex she wont admit to that but I dont believe that if they were talking for 10 months and risking her cushy life that sex wasnt involved.

On a funny note I was in Sams club and him and his wife where there. My wife came out of the bathroom and say them. She was in a panic and came back to me shaking. I said hey I saw your friend. I then told her i needed to go to the bathroom. She didnt stop me she took my son to the back of the store. I went up to the line where he was waiting with his wife and bashed my shoulder into him. He turned and from 2 inches from his face i said excuse me and went into the bathroom to wait for him...needless to say he didnt follow me. When i asked my wife why she let me go she said she knew I could i couldnt stop you.

I showed enormous self control. I dont look at this as ****ing my wife but ****ing with the lives of my children and I take that very seriously. Side note his wife does not know about anything

[BuddyX]

So do you want to reconcile because you actually love your wife or because you're 57 and afraid to be alone?

 

Don't confuse alone with lonely.

[BTDT2012]

Stop doing the pick me dance. She needs to accept full responsibility for her choices. She needs to do the heavy lifting. Continue with building your strength in your counseling.

[somuchfortheone]

Here goes...I have been reading the site for the past 7 months but this is the first time Im posting. On June 27th I noticed a lot of very long phone calls to and from the same number on my bill. When I asked I asked my wife who It was she immediately told me she had been talking to her ex husband. She was married for only 6 months to him and we are married for 21 yrs together 25. It started when my son needed a sign for his eagle scout project and my wife said that her ex was in the business and that he may be willing to donate the sign. I wasn't at all threatened by him and trusted my wife so he made the sign handed it to my son and me on my driveway and I sent him a thank you. Well they started communicating after that . I immediately called him when she told me it was him and asked him what the f8ck business did he have talking to my wife. He gave me some bull**** that his oldest child had a drug problem and they where just talking. I called his BS and said I aint stupid you have been talking to her for 9 months. I immediately called my wife and told her she broke my heart. Packed some cloths and left. She kept calling but I wouldn't answer. I was parked behind the mall crying my eyes out for hours. Finally she had my 2 sons start calling me asking where I was and to come home. I decided I couldn't have my kids worrying about me so I returned. We talked and then had sex I held her and made love to her and she started hysterically crying in the middle of it. After I went into a downward spiral where I cried everyday most of the time. I could barely function in my job or think clearly at all. Each day I awoke with the same pit in my stomach and and anxiety and depression set in. She told me she wouldn't talk to him anymore but she was lying. She watched me go from a Scoutmaster, Manager of 30 people at work and very accomplished in many areas(true renaissance Man) to a broken shell of myself. I was truelly broken doubting everything that was good in my life for the past 25 years. I have 2 sons one in college and 1 that's 18. Needless to say I couldn't eat or sleep for 7 months.. I ate but had no appetite. About a month after D day I found out(from a friend) that He came down to Atlantic city when she was on a girls overnight trip. Now I was completely crushed...how could she watch me shattered and broken and still see him. That hurt the most. I know I made a lot of mistakes after DDay. I clinged I pleaded I begged. I confronted him and almost ripped his throat out. I had no anger really towards my wife and never raised my voice through out the whole thing except for when I found out about atlantic city. I did do some damage to some drywall on that occasion. I love my wife with all my heart and am trying to save my marriage. I started journaling and writing poetry(never had before)...I also noticed that the affair had changed who I was as a person. My EGO was gone and I felt myself becoming very in tune with my emotions. It stripped my down to my true identity. I was soft spoken had empathy for her and everyone in the world. I was always a good person but this was real change(not temporary). I have been trying everything softball ,hardball, nice weekend trips, date nights to try to get her to open her heart. Its been 7 months since DDay. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me. She says she doesnt know herself anymore. So we are still living together and I am doing all of the heavy lifting to try and save the marriage. She and I have has gone to IC and a few sessions of couples therapy. I am here today because I don't know what to do anymore. Its like she is coated in Teflon. I love her with all my heart and want to grow old with her. Ive owned all my **** and all the mistakes that I made in our relationship.(the new improved me made this very easy). I have approached this situation putting in an enormous amount of work educating myself this has really consumed me. I ask if she is still seeing him and she says no. She says shes trying and loves me but she isn't doing anything to reassure me. My life has been an internal hell under my fake smile. Im at the point where I pick up on all the little idiosycracies or missing affection. We were in separate beds for about 3 months with no sex. We now are back in same room but I just feel something is missing... please help me Im broken...My pressure is 180 over 100 now so im seeing the physical effects of the stress. Why cant she recommit? I wasn't the one who cheated and she has turned the whole thing around on me. Thanks Everyone and sorry for the long post

 

I totally understand where you're coming from - in a very similar situation. My husband has been having an "emotional" affair for a year and a half..told me he'd stop talking to her three times, but kept busting him again. Now he says he wants a divorce, she's leaving her husband too so they can be together. I tried, really worked on all of our issues for a year and a half to find out he couldn't do the one thing he needed to do - end the affair.

I know it's not the answer you want, wasn't the answer I wanted either, but you have to walk away and let her go. "If they're dumb enough to let you go, you have to be smart enough to let them walk away." If my husband would have put the effort I put into saving our marriage, we'd be in a great place. He didn't and I realized I can do the work for both of us. If we're both not in it 100%, it will not work. She'll just find a means of talking to him. My husband has been pretty much just emailing this girl for the majority of this time...they go a good six month without even seeing each other, rarely talk on the phone, so the spouses don't get suspicious - they really don't even know each other but willing to throw everything away to see what it's like to be with each other. I honestly think you need to just walk away - if she wants to work on the marriage - it will show and you will know in the pit of your stomach - if she doesn't, then you made the right choice and didn't waste anymore time or energy (what little you have left)...I get it...I've described myself as lifeless. Take the energy you have left to save yourself...not your marriage.

[somuchfortheone]

Wow man, does this sound familiar; I'm in the same boat, just found out about the affair a few weeks ago, but am feeling everything you describe. If you'd like to see the story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/610566-low-sex-partner-affair-fresh-d-day

 

 

 

I've been doing the same thing; but, honestly, you have to get angry. The person you trusted the most in the world hurt you more than anyone else probably every could/will. That's cause to be angry and lose control of your emotions. Until I did that, my wife said "It seemed like you didn't care", which wasn't true at all, I just control my emotions very closely and am very careful not to let my temper get the best of me. Emotions seem to help, at least for me, to show my wife the pain she caused me and help her show some empathy.

 

 

 

Right there with you man. On the positive note, I look fantastic, I've been riding and lifting WAY more than normal; coupled with a destroyed appetite, I probably look better than I have in years.

 

 

 

This is a mistake. Honestly, given what you've said, I'd say you might need to take drastic measures to reverse this mistake. Tell her to get out. Let her sit in the hotel, not you. Yes, it's drastic, and yes, it may end your marriage. But I don't see what you're doing leading you to a good place either and you're sacrificing your self respect by pleading with someone who obviously doesn't care right now.

 

 

 

Man, did this hit home. "Coated in Teflon" indeed. It's so hard to "get through" to the WS after an affair, I never expected what I got. It's like they become pure psychopaths overnight, no emotions, no remorse, defending the AP.. It's nuts. And it's also normal (from what I'm reading, I'm by NO MEANS an expert here). Keep working at it. Get her to realize what she's done. Confront her, make her "feel" what your feeling. I don't have any specific suggestions here; I've used scenarios with my wife "What would you feel if I ....". But you have to get through to her, and you have to pull the Teflon off. Kicking her out might do it. But you have to be firm, even though you feel like your weak (as do I), you are in the right here. You have EVERY RIGHT to be firm, to get mad, and to make demands (including some that might seem unreasonable). Passwords/unlocks for EVERYTHING is non-negotiable. You have to get transparency or you won't be able to heal. If the AP is still in the picture, the healing can't start at all.

 

 

 

Also totally common. My wife has done the same thing. I was "at fault" because I wasn't meeting her needs. A lot of this was just pure BS/internal justification. Turn it right around on her; talk about your unmet needs in the marriage and ever so gently (as in, scream it at her) tell her "BUT I DIDN'T CHEAT".

 

You have to break through the armor. It may take drastic measures. It may not be possible. But you can't just sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. That won't work.

 

Overtaxed --- are you and your wife actually working on your marriage, did the affair end? I don't see any hope for my husband - he's too far gone, I think. Way too in the fog and I'm at the point where I don't even want to wake him up anymore.

[Overtaxed]

Overtaxed --- are you and your wife actually working on your marriage, did the affair end? I don't see any hope for my husband - he's too far gone, I think. Way too in the fog and I'm at the point where I don't even want to wake him up anymore.

 

We are trying to work it out. Progress has been slow, I'm still trying to get through the discovery phase; she's still not giving me the whole story. I'm hopeful, but, also realistic, we may not be able to get past this. There's a lot of damage in our relationship, and there's a lot of stuff that's happened that I simply cannot understand (having sex with the AP in our home, for example).

 

I feel your pain. The "fog" might be the worst part of it. Hearing her defend him/his intentions is like having knives stuck in your back over and over again. I'm lucky, I have a lot of electronic evidence and I think that's helping to clear the fog for my wife. Also, I'm in contact with the AP's wife, and she's been relating his half of the story to me; providing that to my wife has been really good because, not all the surprising, the AP is blaming it all on her and has totally thrown her away and minimized their relationship. Not saying that this is even possible for everyone, but in my case, I know it's helping her see things more clearly.

 

Yes, the affair/contact has ended. I'm in IT by trade, and I have so much bugging/electronic surveillance going on, I'm 99% sure I'd catch it if there was any contact. I don't feel good about doing it, and I was shaking my head as I was hacking my wife's work computer to install a keylogger, but... You have to do what you have to do. I won't get played for a fool again, even if it means a terrible violation of privacy; in my eyes, she brought it on herself.

[BuddyX]

OP will you contact the MMs spouse?

[lostNbroken1964]

At this time I would not be surprised if she is defending herself by her actions, because she does not want to face up to what she has done, and feels this is the only way. In some ways, we make it hard to get the truth. You may have to take some of the consequences off the table to get the whole truth. You also must be able to accept it if it is given. It will hurt, so make sure you are willing to hear the hard answers if you ask the hard questions.

 

 

this is interesting can you elaborate understand50..

[lostNbroken1964]

somuchfortheOne...thank you for your reply would love to talk sometime...I feel for you. Im afraid the same thing is going on here in my life. I came here because Its easy to talk and find people with similar problems. Im tired of my friends and family telling me to move on..I have forgiven her for the affair but now she has thrown the old I love you but im not in love with you BS at me. I have been working hard since DDay to get her to open her heart to me to no avail. Sure we had our problems but nothing too serious. 2 wonderful kids both eagle scouts, I changed and bathed them until they were out of diapers and did a great job providing for my family and raising my our sons. I have given her a life most woman would die for. It never seems to be enough sometimes. People get a picture in there head of how its supposed to be from TV and the media and they lose sight of the moon while looking at the stars. My problem is I do still love her and am in love with her. The suffering ive gone through is no different than yours and all other members here. It has sapped my strength and taken everything I have to keep going. thanks for your advice and prayers from you and everyone here who seems to care. May we all find peace at some point from this horrible nightmare

[Jersey born raised]

She watched you crumble and implode into an empty shell. How does she get past that? She get past that, not you (separate issue). What type of person does that? This defines her as a person. This is who she is.

 

Understand issues are issues, adultery is adultery. They are two separate events. The issues at this point need to be put aside and the adultery dealt with. Her adultery defines her (as written above) and only her.

 

Your reaction defines who you are as an adult/man. Read this link http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know. Until your wife shows she understands each point you DO NOT have a marriage.

 

Expose the adultery to his wife and your wife's family. This is a must. The adultery must be killed for reconciliation to take place. Doing so does not make you a jerk, it makes you an adult.

[understand50]

At this time I would not be surprised if she is defending herself by her actions, because she does not want to face up to what she has done, and feels this is the only way. In some ways, we make it hard to get the truth. You may have to take some of the consequences off the table to get the whole truth. You also must be able to accept it if it is given. It will hurt, so make sure you are willing to hear the hard answers if you ask the hard questions.

 

 

this is interesting can you elaborate understand50..

 

Sometime we set up a paradox, where we demand the truth, but tell them that the worst will happen if it is a certain way. IE: "tell if you slept with him, and if you have I am going to divorce you". In this case, why would a WS, who may want to have the marriage continue ever tell the whole story. At some point you need to decide, what is your commitment. I am not saying she gets a free pass, but if knowing what happened is the most important thing, and by knowing you could move on, and she as well, you may have to take divorce off the table. A WS goes into defense mode, and can not reconnect, as if the whole truth is known, the marriage is over. What you need to do is make an environment where both of you can be honest and communicate, to reconnect again. That is reconciliation. At its core it is honest communication between spouses. You can then decide if you can forgive and move on. Remember, you will never forget.

 

If reconciliation is what you have decided on, or you are leaning real hard that way this maybe one way to get at the core. In your case, I would assume that they have slept together in Atlantic City. If she states she did not I would like some proof, maybe a friend can vouch, or she has an alibi. I think your main issue, is two fold, it is the EA, possible PA, but also to a larger degree the outright lying, and you not knowing. I know some here will state, that knowing can be bad, and you should not press, but for myself, knowing is the only way to move on and heal. You need to know what you are forgiving.

 

The two links I gave you both state this, and it it good advise.

 

I wish you luck.

[Jersey born raised]

We crossed posted. You have exposed to your friends and family? Does that include your sons?

[somuchfortheone]

somuchfortheOne...thank you for your reply would love to talk sometime...I feel for you. Im afraid the same thing is going on here in my life. I came here because Its easy to talk and find people with similar problems. Im tired of my friends and family telling me to move on..I have forgiven her for the affair but now she has thrown the old I love you but im not in love with you BS at me. I have been working hard since DDay to get her to open her heart to me to no avail. Sure we had our problems but nothing too serious. 2 wonderful kids both eagle scouts, I changed and bathed them until they were out of diapers and did a great job providing for my family and raising my our sons. I have given her a life most woman would die for. It never seems to be enough sometimes. People get a picture in there head of how its supposed to be from TV and the media and they lose sight of the moon while looking at the stars. My problem is I do still love her and am in love with her. The suffering ive gone through is no different than yours and all other members here. It has sapped my strength and taken everything I have to keep going. thanks for your advice and prayers from you and everyone here who seems to care. May we all find peace at some point from this horrible nightmare

 

I get it - very similar situation with me. I did everything in the marriage from the cooking, cleaning, literally raising his son (the bio mom isn't involved and he works 2 jobs but doesn't bring in enough money to cover his own bills...I've tried to point this out to him but he doesn't deal with reality very well, once he doesn't have my income to help support him, he'll have to figure it out real quick, I suppose), I pay all of the bills, schedule appointments, etc...anything that needs to be done, I handle it. He goes to work and comes home. That's it. So, I've provided a cushy lifestyle for him as well, while all of the stress from every angle has been on me. And I'm the one who gets cheated on? If he would've done a fraction of the things I did for him, I'd be over the moon. The thing is, I did those things because I loved him, so I liked to do things for him and make his life easier...and I didn't need anything in return. Until the affair. Now I realize how off balance our marriage was. I don't need those things but I think (especially for as much as I've done for him), he'd want to do some things for me in return. It's definitely a warning sign for the future.

I'm here to talk whenever...this is an awful situation I wouldn't wish on anyone. It helps to know other people are in the same boat.

[somuchfortheone]

"and they lose sight of the moon while looking at the stars"

 

Here are two quotes I've found that I like:

 

"one day they will realize they lost a diamond while playing with worthless stones."

 

"I went to war for our marriage and you never even laced your boots."

[bubbaganoosh]

As long as you do nothing but beg and plead, your just spining your wheels.

 

Last thing you needed was to have sex with her. I n her eyes that means that your more then willing to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the situation and to be honest.................your failing.

 

She's the one that crossed the line and had the affair. She's the one whose not giving you the full story. She's the one whose reaping the benefits by staying there and letting you put the burden on your shoulders and she's winning the race on your dime.

 

There comes a time when you finally have to say enough and hand her back the bag of dirty laundry she hung around your neck. She's playing games with your emotions and your health and doing a good job at it.

 

If it's me, I sit her down and let her know you have questions that need answered and if she balks at answering them then you hand her a suitcase, point to the door and tell her she wore out her welcome and it's time she leaves and not to come back unless she's ready to come clean with the whole mess.

 

One other thing friend. You want to go after her ex and you pointed out a few things you already did like wanting to rip his throat out and banging in to him at the store hoping he follows you in the men's room so you can light his ass up.....................BUT............no man including you or her ex can get to first base with any woman including your wife let alone second, third and home plate UNLESS SHE WANTS HIM TO. In order to have an affair it takes two. I'm not defending him but he took what was offered to him. He never put a gun to her head, threatened her, your kids or her family. She was a willing participant in this mess and your handing her a freebie and to her it's as good as gold.

 

It's time that you put the fear of God in her and let her know that it ain't flying anymore and if she can't show any remorse and isn't willing to make any effort to you and the marriage then she needs to take it someplace else. Time to wake up and take charge of this mess before it crushes you. Your choice. Play nice guy and push up daisies way too early or do what needs to be done and play hardball.

[lostNbroken1964]

We crossed posted. You have exposed to your friends and family? Does that include your sons?

I have not told my sons but they know there is an issue..I dont want to turn them against their mom. I also know if they knew they would most likely be angry as the peice of **** handed my son the sign and shook his hand. They also dont know she was married to him for 6 months and think Our marriage was her first. The kicker is I have to drive by the sign everyday when i pick up my son from school..id like to insert it somewhere someday

[lostNbroken1964]

thanks Understand50...your insight is invaluable Thank you my Brother