Trying to save marriage after wife's affair

[AnneP]

Start carrying a VAR(voice activated recorder) you wouldn't be the first betrayed spouse on here to have false charges brought against him. The cost around $50 at BestBuy or RadioShack. It will soon hit her as to what she is loosing, be prepared, reconciliation is up to you and not her.

 

Or just use apps on your phone if possible. There is a recorder built into iPhones and it works reallly well. Don't know what kind of phone you have, though.

[Buckeye2]

I only told my other son that mommy needed time to think so she will be staying at her moms for a while.

 

Everyone’s right. Your sons need to know and you did a good job so far.

 

You want to make sure that you can’t be accused of making it sound worse than it was.

 

Option one: Stick to the bare facts and don’t editorialize. Say that your mom had a great deal of contact with her ex and it was causing problems in our marriage. Did they have sex? You don’t know.

 

Option two: When they ask why mom is gone tell them to call and ask her.

[Marc878]

There's an old saying "you don't know what you have til it's gone"

 

Give your wife a taste of "gone".

 

Nothing you've tried so far has worked has it?

[Marc878]

Walk, get out, anything but laying around the house.

 

Go to a mall and walk around, etc, anything.

 

It'll give you a much better perspective on life.

[AnneP]

thanks Liveagain..im just sitting on the bed reading...I will do that...hope i did the right thing...my sons coming home from college saturday for my birthday. I only told my other son that mommy needed time to think so she will be staying at her moms for a while. Just Sad to think that my life was great not perfect but great just a year or so ago and now its a **** show. If there are any conversations with the kids I think its important that we are both present Thanks Pal for your continued support.

 

You have done the right thing. Have you been in contact with the wife? Just curious if he too "needs to get away" and he and your wife are actually together tonight.

 

Also, and I may be way off base, but is there a chance your wife has been using cocaine as well? That could explain her destructive behavior. Her choice to walk out of your marriage and choose a married man who has an STD, cocaine addiction, serial cheater, who also stole his own childrens' money. Who does that??? I've read some low stuff here but stealing your childrens' savings is about as low as it gets. And your wife wants this? Wow.

 

You. Deserve. Better.

 

Regarding telling your kids, might I suggest what my parents told us. Me to dad: What happened? When did it get really bad? Was it irreparable? Him: It just didn't work. Ask your mother for more details.

 

I would tell your children that things aren't working, she's taking some time away, and you don't know what the future holds. If they press, tell them "She made a decision. Talk to her about it."

 

Let her explain or lie and proceed from there.

[Marc878]

I would bet they'll be in communication while she's gone. Go online and check your phone bill.

 

It will also be helpful to find out info from the other spouse.

 

The big thing is go your own way

[AnneP]

I would bet they'll be in communication while she's gone. Go online and check your phone bill.

 

It will also be helpful to find out info from the other spouse.

 

The big thing is go your own way

 

And go to the bank tomorrow and close the account. Lie. "Oh my checkbook and debit card were stolen."

 

I assume she has a credit card she can use. Do not give her the ability to drain your account.

 

Actually, I would call your bank tonight. Now.

Edited February 2, 2017 by AnneP

[Clay]

Good for you for standing your ground. I would tell her when she leaves that once she leaves there is no coming back. I would let that sink in. Her leaving would be all I need to tell me divorce was my path. I kicked my xW out. She was and still is a serial cheater. I failed to do what others have said to do. It took me years to pull my head out of my ass to see I needed to stand up for me and my kids. In the end she walked away with nothing. No car. No money. I won custody of the kids. To this day she is still a wreck waiting for a place to happen. She has had four more kids and one was adopted out and she doesn't have custody of the other three.

 

The best thing you can do is go NC and file for divorce. Once the divorce is started then you can just tell her to talk to the lawyer.

 

C

[Marc878]

And go to the bank tomorrow and close the account. Lie. "Oh my checkbook and debit card were stolen."

 

I assume she has a credit card she can use. Do not give her the ability to drain your account.

 

Actually, I would call your bank tonight. Now.

 

Excellent advice start separating your finances and protect yourself.

[Jersey born raised]

I've re-read your thread. A lot has happened in two days. The more I think about it the more I think your wife fits the WAW mode.

 

So time for some cold water:

 

What would she write if she posted to a thread?

 

Exactly how many MC sessions did you go to? How many IC sessions?

 

What lit did you read? What are you thoughts for each one?

 

How have you applied these ideas to your marriage and your life???

 

What where/are her issues with you and the marriage??

 

In short your therapist and wife said you are perfect man. WHY ???

[lostNbroken1964]

yes alot in 2 days my friend.. she would post that she loves me but inst in love with me...she needs space to figure herself out. I went to 10 or so individual sessions she went for maybe 7 Ic's 3 together...I have read god knows how many hours of material...books self help...the experienced changed me more than anything...I am a totally different person who has empathy for people and their struggles. I am very in tune with my emotions and my needs more than ever in my life. I understnad how my childhood has impacted every relationship that i have ever been in.. I have obvious abandonment issues from my fathers departure at 14.. those i have never truly dealt with until these sessions. I understand now about the impact it has had on me more clearly(i took the protective walls down)...i unfortunalely still love her but am ready to look to life outside my marriage if it cant be reconciled. real change has occured changes i never knew were possible in a person.. She never really voiced many concerns as she says she has trouble expressing herself. Im far from perfect but I know i am a good person.. I have done so much good in the world through scouting and just being a good christian. I help everyone I come in contact with...I have always been that way. My mother worked very hard as a single mom to put 4 kids through Catholic school and i was made to work from the time i was 14..I have raised my sons to be men not burdens on society. Yes maybe i didnt pay enough attention to my wife or understand her needs at times but my love never wavered...in short i am human..but i have a good concience....im still here battling for my marriage and i dont think she has even tied her boot straps yet.Through my actions the last 2 days I will find out soon where this is going instead of remaining curled up in the fetal position begging for attention..Im going NC while shes away...she has already asked my son twice if im ok...so maybe its working..if it fails i can lay my head down and sleep knowing i did everything i could to save it...if it doesnt go that way im ready to face my future whatever it will bring...thanks Guys youve really helped me see the light

[Marc878]

Drop the rope and let her go. No matter how this turns out you're going to get through it and be fine.

 

Do read "No More Mr Nice Guy"!!!!!!!

 

Did you have a affair because she wasn't perfect?

[Try]

shes packing her stuff now and going to her mothers who is wintering in FLA...his wife already started harassing both my wife and my home phone....damn the toothpaste is out of the tube...shes threatening to tell the whole town and putting a sign on her lawn stating the situation. hope i did the right thing...i told her if she wants to work on the marriage stay if not get the **** out...she said she needs some time alone.

You told her that "if she wants to work on the marriage stay if not get the **** out" and she responded by "packing her stuff" as "she needs some time alone". She called your bluff, is not remorseful, and once again focused on being in control. Dude you have your answer. She is not committed to working on the marriage.

 

I refuse to tell my sons what led to this...I cant see any good coming out of that other than making them hate her and ruining any chance of reconciliation.

Your hellbent commitment to praying for her to give you "any chance of reconciliation" is so obvious, and is the reason why she does not feel the need to work on the marriage. She feels that you will always be there as a backup plan.

 

This is all backwards. She is the one that cheated, not you. You should be the one that is thinking it over, and she should be the one that is praying that you would give her "any chance of reconciliation". At this point you have lost her respect and she cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect. You must be truly willing to end the marriage if you are to have any chance at having a marriage long term. Tell her that life is better for you now that she is out of the house, and that you want to move on and find a woman that will not cheat on you. Tell her that you will be finding an attorney and filing for divorce. Then without telling her first, tell both of your children that you are divorcing their mom because she stepped outside of the marriage with another man. Do not tell them details and please stop referring to her as "mommy", as they are both adults. By telling the children she will believe for real that you are serious about divorce, as you should be.

 

After she sees that her yelling about you telling the kids and her bullying you is no longer working, the shock of you not begging and being her backup plan will get her to either make an effort to try to save the marriage, or she will just let if happen. If she just lets the divorce happen, then you never had a chance at saving the marriage anyways, and now you know. If she tries to save the marriage, the divorce process will give you time to clear your mind and decide if being married to her is worth it. Remember that divorce takes time, and the process was specifically designed to let you change your mind. But it needs to be you that decides and not her.

 

Before deciding to give her another chance, remember that for many reasons, as men get older their options with women get much better than when they were younger. Many married men are shocked by this when they first get divorced. When a friend's cheating ex-wife asked him why he dates women that are so much younger than him, he answered "because I can". Remember this. Somewhere out there is a woman that would be happy to be your wife, and that would wake up everyday thanking God that you are her husband; that woman is currently not you wife. The kids are adults, so now is the best time to find that wife if your current wife does not do the heavy lifting to convince you that she deserves a second chance. Stop tying your happiness to someone that does not sure that she wants to be your wife. It is time to get out of the BS fog that you are in and to start doing things to make you happy.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Try

[lostNbroken1964]

Holy **** Try, That was the best..I didnt have any idea about that it worked that way out there with guys my age...you made me feel hope for myself. Im GL in good shape, have great job no debt whatsoever(until the lawyers get me) and am great with kids and a general good person..I lost myself in this i really did I wont deny it(big mistake). Everyone calls me captain ,my workers my friends my boy scouts...I was that person a leader for so many kids and adults and i lost sight of that..I los tmy value by vesting so much of myself in saving me marriage. love is a powerful force that sometimes overpowers your brain...i will read and reread this...thanks for giving of yourself and your time

[Marc878]

Im going NC while shes away...she has already asked my son twice if im ok...so maybe its working..if it fails i can lay my head down and sleep knowing i did everything i could to save it...if it doesnt go that way im ready to face my future whatever it will bring...thanks Guys youve really helped me see the light

 

You know why? Because she didn't think you could survive without her.

 

My friend there are women out there who would respect and cherish a good man. They are hard to come by. Use this time to clear your head and let your heart sync up to your mind. What do you want and deserve?

 

I'd go with a younger model that had big tata's but that's just me

[S2B]

Since she isn't invested in the marriage and repairing the damage SHE caused - close the bank accounts. Move money to your name only. Close her credit cards!

 

SHE cheated - SHE can figur out how to get her own money moving forward.

 

And your kids shouldn't answer about how you're doing! She shouldn't put them in the middle! She did this - tell them the truth!

 

Stop making her comfortable! No one changes when they are comfortable.

 

And think about it - you love the woman you thought she WAS! She isn't THAT person!

 

You "love" someone that didn't exist.

[usa1ah]

LNB if you want to save the marriage for some reason this is what needs to happen.

 

Expose her to everyone. The only true reconciliations I have read and helped with started with this. If the OM has a wife let her know. Your boys need to know as well

 

Send your wife to her moms. You need the time alone to heal. Don't let her come home until your get yourself under control. This is why the boys need to know what is going on. It my help them in the future when they get married.

 

Read up on the 180 and do it. Follow through with it. Start eating right and hit the gym. This with help with the stress and hopefully with your BP.

 

This is not your fault, this is your wife's doing. Read No More Mr Nice Guy. It will help. I would suggest that your sons read it as well.

 

Stop following her around like a puppy and man up. Stop the self pity party and show your boys a true man again. You don't want them to see you like this any longer. So your wife turned out to be untrue, welcome to the f' en club. Don't let it make you, you have to use it to make you better. Be there for your boys.

 

See a lawyer and have papers drawn up. She has aready informed you that she is no longer in love. It thanks some thing dramatic to knock them out of the fog. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

 

About the OM, if he is willing to play in another mans house then he should be ready for anything that comes back to him.

 

If you divorce and sense our laws keep you from beating the POSOM senseless. See if your can sue the POS for damages the financial and the pain. He should lose everything for what he has done.

 

Focus on your boys and yourself. Send her to her moms and only talk with her if it concerns the boys.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jersey, what exactly does WAW stand for. I am familiar with WW,WH,OW and OW but I don't think I've come across WAW unless I missed it somewhere in the past. Also why were you questioning the OP about his credentials as claimed by him? Was there a specific reason you had for this? OP comes across as a sincere and level headed man who just seems to be spinning from the bomb shell his wife has dropped on him. I guess the next few days will decide things for him. If his wife does decide to reconcile I think she will be doing herself a big favour. The OP does not come across as smug or supercilious. He does look like the genuine goods and sometimes I think his wife would do him a favour by divorcing him and pursuing her Ex. She needs someone like that to give her a good lesson in life while the OP can find a decent woman who will always look out for him. His wife seems to be reeking of self entitlement. Why would a woman who has grown up sons and has been married for twenty years or more to her partner suddenly, without rhyme or reason, decide that her marriage has not been satisfactory and fulfilling for her and run back to an Ex who she ditched after just six months for being a liar and cheat? All I can think of is that she is so full of entitlement for herself that she cannot care two hoots for a marriage which has endured for as long as it has and want to leave a spouse with whom she has history, most of it good.

 

If anything, I would fault the OP for being too much of a gentleman who has bent over backwards to give her space to come to terms with what she is doing. There are so many stories on this forum where betrayed spouses have played hard ball with their wayward spouses and have come out on top of the situation. That is something the OP should do and not wait around for her to make up her mind one way or the other. Hope it works out well for OP. Warm wishes.

[somuchfortheone]

Drop the rope and let her go. No matter how this turns out you're going to get through it and be fine.

 

Do read "No More Mr Nice Guy"!!!!!!!

 

Did you have a affair because she wasn't perfect?

 

Is this the book by Dr. Robert A. Glover, you're mentioning? I know I need to read it too!

[AnneP]

Excellent advice start separating your finances and protect yourself.

 

My mother recently lost a checkbook and called the bank and they closed the account from checks being able to be written, however she can still use her debit card and direct deposits will go through.

 

OP: If you can just close it and have your direct deposits still go through, I would suggest doing so immediately. She is in a relationship with an addict who does not have a cheap addiction. Protect yourself. Please. I hope you're able to find some peace today. I know this has to be gut wrenching. You'll get through it. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other. You got this.

[OatsAndHall]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, far too many marriages end because of infidelity and there is never an easy answer for it. Some folks can reconcile and move on and other can't. I am part of the latter group: I cannot be involved with someone once that trust has been broken in any way. Life and marriage can be hard enough without second guessing your spouse and questioning what they are doing or saying. Your spouse and your marriage is what you are supposed to be able to cling to when life throws you a curve ball and it shouldn't add to the stress.

 

The major damage done to my marriage happened during the separation. Attempts at reconciliation were futile and turned into her losing her temper and me walking away. I finally realized that her and I would never have a stable relationship as I would never trust her again, no matter what she did.

 

You hit a point where two people need to go their separate ways. It's devastating, I know. There are times when I still miss her, very much. But I miss the person she was, not the person she turned out to be.

[BuddyX]

Count me in the camp of "walking away from a cheater and not looking back". The poster above (couple responses ago) hit the nail on the head. There are so many options out there.

 

When I parted ways with the ExW I left a quote on my phone. "3.5 billion women out there, just in case the B*tch feels irreplaceable"

 

Now, I'm not saying to divorce, but understand their are options. But first thing first; can you manage to be alone? Can you ignore her texts, calls, Cries for help? Because she will do anything to suck you back in. And usually, this is the part where I tell you that she'll use sex as a tool, but in all honesty, do you want to tag that after what she did?

[lostNbroken1964]

Just a GUY...Bravo..you just picked me up off the ground...i am worthwhile...i am a good man I lost site of that, thanks For making my day. AND to all My LS friends...much Love and appreciation..Im NC from now until either the divorce or by some miracle her head comes out of her ass

[lostNbroken1964]

Hi BuddyX, im afraid to tag her now. I told her dont call me text me or anything unless its for the kids purposes...shes out of the house and i havent spoken to her since...3.5 billion wow...theres gotta be one there for me who and can trust and be appreciated by Cheers and happy Friday

[lostNbroken1964]

thank you ann i already opened my own accounts and switched direct deposit...and get this changed benficiaries on my life insurance policy to my sons