Trying to save marriage after wife's affair

[someloser]

I hope that article isn't true as it makes me loose faith in humanity a little bit more. But it probably is. I've actually known men just like that. And it's sad. I live in a black community where a lot of the guys around here target white women that are in bad relationships because they're and easy lay and they can use them. One second I see the woman pull up in her car the next the guy leaves driving around in her car. It makes me think maybe I do have it made being lonely and don't need to get so bent about it. It's just sad to me. I guess we live in a selfish society. It's all about our needs first. Danm the consequences of anything. I will say I saw fate/karma turn it around on one of these guys I know. He fell in love with someone who played the game a lot better then he did.... and in the process caught something that's essentially ended his sex life. Not to mention father time. What are these people do as they get older? I see a lot of 40+ guys in the club trying to be players still like wtf? A lot of those guys get laughed at. Some make it home but they have money and end up getting left because no 25 year old woman wants to be tied down with someone twice her age. She wants to live the life she has ahead of her. I don't know. Maybe I don't know anything if I did I Would have a girlfriend now and not be on here lol. Just think about my dad who is 95 use to be a player in the day and now his dick not working is the least of his problems. Thankfully he did grow out of it and started a family has kids etc...

Edited February 2, 2017 by someloser

[sandylee1]

mark, this **** is new to me...like i said im tryingg regain some of my power and hopefully self worth and fortitude..i know i made some mistake ive been a wreck the last 7 months. Poor diet

anxiety depression sleep depravation and now BP 180 over 100 all while doing a high pressure job in finance. ive been in survival mode going through this alone for the most part...you know this **** aint easy

 

A woman who loves you, would never put you through this. She wouldn't even do it if she cared about you.

 

If your own wife hasn't got your back, what's the point in being with her. At the point you file for divorce, you can tell your children the reason why. Make sure you're committed to go through with it, otherwise reconciliation at that point could be difficult, but I don't see what's to save with her attitude and blatant disregard/lack of respect for you as her husband.

 

When children are the age yours are, there's no need to lie. She decided to cheat and she has to live with the consequences of her actions, whatever they may be.

 

If her relationship with your sons is affected, she can look directly in the mirror and see who caused it.

[lostNbroken1964]

I'm outside his house when he leaves for work I'm ringing the bell and hopefully having coffee with his wife and a long conversation about what's been going on....I'll keep you posted

[Marc878]

Nice recovery man. Your life will be yours again.

 

Don't stop

[Marc878]

Exposure will get you some closure as well.

 

Keep posting. This is your safe place

[lostNbroken1964]

had a nice 90 minute conversation with his wife...man i feel alive again...he has herpes. cocaine problem...2 months behind on mortgage...emptied both his sons bank accounts of 40k...she answered the door i tod her who i was and she said come in...she pulled a chair out asked ig i wanted coffee then we shared everything...she felt something wasnt right but he kept saying she was crazy..she said she only wished i came sooner..I told her i was outside her house 5 times but didnt have the heart to disrupt her childrens lives...she said he already ****ed them up completely.. I sat outside in the dark in my pickup waited for him to leave then rang the bell...the kicker is todays his birthday...well happy birthday you POS

[lostNbroken1964]

thanks everyone for giving me the strength to pull the trigger on this...I know my wife isnt happy but **** it i wasnt getting anywhere playing the pick me dance...I feel alive again and I cant thank you guys enough for that. Ill keep you posted as im sure everyone is waiting on my soap opera now...You really cant make this stuff up...lol

[BluesPower]

Well...

 

So I am guessing that you are filing for divorce now? I hope so.

 

Sorry to say that more than likely you and your wife probably have herpes as well. I am sorry about that.

 

Good job, I am so proud of you. Stay strong and keep posting...

[somuchfortheone]

My son and I are both eagle scouts. We scouts have to stick together. Blues and Marc gave you excellent advice.

 

Let me give you some background so that you can better understand where you stand. The bottom line is that your wife had a division of labor going on. You for all the boring day to day stuff. The OM for fun. The OM (her ex) was probably a bad boy and that’s why the marriage didn’t last. After that she wanted a nice stable guy for a family and found you. Now that the family’s in the bag she can have the bad boy who's still unreliable.

 

Your mistake was repeatedly assuring her that she would never lose what you provided. Her reputation is also probably very important to her and you were never going to tell anyone.

 

If that’s the case why would she ever give up the fun of the OM?

The cards you had to play (i.e. stability, security, family, reputation, etc.) you promised never to use.

 

Instead you tried to use reason, logic and begging. Begging isn’t attractive. Reason and logic don’t win over fun especially if you’re told there will never be a cost for being illogical or unreasonable. You are probably a very solid family man so she took you and what you provide for granted. She thought she would never lose that no matter want and you reaffirmed it.

 

 

wow - I think you just broke down my entire situation - thank you for this insight.

[somuchfortheone]

had a nice 90 minute conversation with his wife...man i feel alive again...he has herpes. cocaine problem...2 months behind on mortgage...emptied both his sons bank accounts of 40k...she answered the door i tod her who i was and she said come in...she pulled a chair out asked ig i wanted coffee then we shared everything...she felt something wasnt right but he kept saying she was crazy..she said she only wished i came sooner..I told her i was outside her house 5 times but didnt have the heart to disrupt her childrens lives...she said he already ****ed them up completely.. I sat outside in the dark in my pickup waited for him to leave then rang the bell...the kicker is todays his birthday...well happy birthday you POS

 

 

Good for you! I told the husband the first time and then didn't tell him the next two times...I didn't see the point. He forgave her and wanted to work on the family. I just think God will show him in his timing. I don't want to get involved again. If he contacts me, I'll tell him what I know but I really just want to move on at this point.

[lostNbroken1964]

if i Do Blues...I am indeed going to rip his throat out...man i Feel the power...I can smile if that makes any sense My Brother... Thank god sex has been so infrequest since this went down that Im hoping im lucky enough to have escaped it...i will be getting tested asap though..hes ****ed though she has all the money from a settlement which was all pain and suffering....hes not entitled to any of it..Karma has 2 hands one is full of love and compassion the other is NOT

[Marc878]

His wife was right he destroyed their lives not you.

 

Helping them hide their affair only kept the other spouse in limbo.

 

Nice job. Better line up STD testing. I hope you're clean.

 

This guy is a lowlife but what does that make your wife?

[lostNbroken1964]

i actually am hungry now...thats a good sign in itself

[lostNbroken1964]

funny when i told her about the herpes she said she didnt sleep with him....lol...and to answer your question a lowlife

[BTDT2012]

thanks Blues i have read many of your comments over the last 7 months..I value your insight and will take your advice.. What information do i need to file? is it a long process to get the paper work completed? was trying to avoid putting my kids through what i went through as i 14 yr old when my dad abandon us. I still have those wounds today at 53. I just figured she would take the second chance I offered her and help save the marriage but she put no effort into it while i did all the hard work educating myself going to therapy and being a better husband and father...just feel in my gut if he didnt have his claws in her she would have recommitted to our marriage by now. SHe says Ive become the perfect man now because ive been stripped down to my core(who I really am deep inside). Thanks again my brother for your sage advice

She is an unprintable word. What about her becoming a better woman? What has she done to get to her core?

[Buckeye2]

...he has herpes. cocaine problem...2 months behind on mortgage...emptied both his sons bank accounts of 40k..

 

Wow, her ex was and still is a bad boy.

 

I went into a downward spiral where I cried everyday most of the time. I could barely function in my job or think clearly at all. Each day I awoke with the same pit in my stomach and and anxiety and depression set in.

 

She told me she wouldn't talk to him anymore but she was lying. She watched me go from a Scoutmaster, Manager of 30 people at work and very accomplished in many areas(true renaissance Man) to a broken shell of myself. I was truelly broken doubting everything that was good in my life for the past 25 years.

 

You need to pull yourself together and become the man you once were. Don’t let your wife have that much control over who you are. Reinforce how you are the extreme opposite of her ex.

 

In my opinion you have one immediate path forward. This is true if you want to divorce or ultimately keep her. File for divorce now. (You can stop the process at any time) You don’t truly appreciate what you have until you almost lose it. It will make you much more attractive than that begging crying guy.

 

Once she sees the new you (or is it the old you?) I would tell her something like this: I can’t believe how pathetic I became. It’s so embarrassing now that I look back on it. I loved you so much that your affair broke me. Now that I’ve realized that I can be fine without you I feel alive again. Tell her that the OM can have her and you hope that they will be happy with their herpes and his cocaine.

[Marc878]

funny when i told her about the herpes she said she didnt sleep with him....lol...and to answer your question a lowlife

 

You have nothing to work with at this time,

 

It takes two to reconcile

[sandylee1]

Well done for exposing the affair. That's so typical of cheaters to make out the betrayed spouse is crazy. Also known as gaslighting.

 

You deserve much better and I have to agree with Blues that a good (available) man your age is harder to come by. When you're ready you'll see there are good women out there who are worthy of your love.

[Buckeye2]

funny when i told her about the herpes she said she didnt sleep with him....lol...and to answer your question a lowlife

 

She has to say that they didn’t have sex. To protect her reputation but more importantly to keep you and what you provide. She doesn’t know what straw will break the camel’s back and cause you to divorce her. That’s why wayward spouses minimise and trickle truth.

 

Don’t let her make proving sex with him a requirement for divorce. Say that you’re not stupid. They had sex. Why wouldn’t they? They had sex before and he’s a dog.

 

(Not as good) Tell her that it doesn’t matter if they had sex or not. She proved that she can’t be trusted. You have to be able to trust your wife. If you’re divorced it doesn’t matter what she does.

[lostNbroken1964]

all great advice...she offered to leave so i asked her straight out if you want to work on the marriage stay if not get the **** out...im regaining some of my power now thanks to you guys and i feel better already...Im actually going to eat something now because im hungry...what i difference a day makes...thanks peops you are a special lot to help complete strangers like this Godspeed my brothers and sisters

[somuchfortheone]

Wow, her ex was and still is a bad boy.

 

 

 

You need to pull yourself together and become the man you once were. Don’t let your wife have that much control over who you are. Reinforce how you are the extreme opposite of her ex.

 

In my opinion you have one immediate path forward. This is true if you want to divorce or ultimately keep her. File for divorce now. (You can stop the process at any time) You don’t truly appreciate what you have until you almost lose it. It will make you much more attractive than that begging crying guy.

 

Once she sees the new you (or is it the old you?) I would tell her something like this: I can’t believe how pathetic I became. It’s so embarrassing now that I look back on it. I loved you so much that your affair broke me. Now that I’ve realized that I can be fine without you I feel alive again. Tell her that the OM can have her and you hope that they will be happy with their herpes and his cocaine.

 

 

I mean, if you have to wake her up at this point...why even bother? Who would want to be with someone who'd rather be with a drug addict with herpes. Move on, if that's the case - you'll definitely find someone better.

Definitely get checked and if you want to fight for your marriage - make sure she does too and I wouldn't take her word for it, I'd be sitting in the doctor's office with her while getting tested and getting the test results. Protect yourself.

[Buckeye2]

I mean, if you have to wake her up at this point...why even bother? Who would want to be with someone who'd rather be with a drug addict with herpes. Move on, if that's the case - you'll definitely find someone better.

.

 

I agree. I would divorce. My point was that he doesn't have to decide right now to divorce or not. However, immediately filing for divorce at this point is a no brainer.

 

File for divorce. Pull the sword from the stone. Feel the power.

Edited February 2, 2017 by Buckeye2

[AnneP]

had a nice 90 minute conversation with his wife...man i feel alive again...he has herpes. cocaine problem...2 months behind on mortgage...emptied both his sons bank accounts of 40k...she answered the door i tod her who i was and she said come in...she pulled a chair out asked ig i wanted coffee then we shared everything...she felt something wasnt right but he kept saying she was crazy..she said she only wished i came sooner..I told her i was outside her house 5 times but didnt have the heart to disrupt her childrens lives...she said he already ****ed them up completely.. I sat outside in the dark in my pickup waited for him to leave then rang the bell...the kicker is todays his birthday...well happy birthday you POS

 

Omg! Please get tested for STDs immediately. I pray you didn't mean genital herpes. ?

[flowergirl14]

Check out chump lady. There is a thread started by dubbs that has a guy in a similar situation. Good family guy who is divorcing cheating wife. Its pro divorce but a lot of people find good support there as well. Take care!

[BTDT2012]

Check out chump lady. There is a thread started by dubbs that has a guy in a similar situation. Good family guy who is divorcing cheating wife. Its pro divorce but a lot of people find good support there as well. Take care!

I still check out chumplady even though we are working on reconciling.