aliveagain Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 (edited) LNB1964 google the "180" and make it your new mantra. The 180 will help you distance yourself from her while you decide the best path for you. The traits will make you look stronger and more in control and that is an attractive trait to most women. You have a lot to consider such as " can you live with the imbalance her infidelity has caused your marriage?" She can't undo what she did, his stink is on her and she did it freely. With enough counselling you will eventually be able to override the feelings you have but they will never go away, it will always be the white elephant in the room. You will always have that doubt every time she is out with friends, later then she tells you she will be or works late. No husband should ever be put in a position of having to compete with another man for his wife's attention. She allowed a predator into your lives when she gave you her word that she wouldn't. Her word means sh*t, trust only her actions, all cheaters lie and manipulate. Do not rely on her to take you out of infidelity, take yourself out. Tell her that she is free to see any man she wants, just not as your wife. If she can't make you feel safe, get rid of her. Being a warden or parent to your wife isn't part of your roll as a husband, that stops today. She is with you and the marriage 100% or dump her cheating a$$. Edited February 3, 2017 by aliveagain 5 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 I agree whole heartedly with separating your finances, right now. I kept the joint account for about three months during the separation and watched her p-ss away two full pay-checks on junk food, booze and gambling. I was doing so to make sure that they mortgage was paid but I had enough of it when Amazon mistakenly charged me $20.00 and she had the nerve to get on my case about it. It took a lot of stress off of my shoulders when I opened up my own account and pulled my pay-checks out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Buddy I do like your quote... it's priceless.... "3.5 billion women out there, just in case the B*tch feels irreplaceable" And the B word can be replaced with one that ends in rd, for the other gender. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 sick after all this i still love here...am i a glutton for punishment? Its been no contact since she left,,just hurts like hell to have the woman you have been with for 25 years be able to put me through this suffering and be able to sleep at night. I dont understand her and she wont open up to me to share whats in her heart. I guess i just need to bite the bullet and move on. I take just wait around by myself its dibilitating. I need attention affection and love..I have those things for 25 years. I miss her already even in her altered state but i must not waiver in my resolve. Just very sad right now but i guess thats par for the course. i prat for god to help me find the path out of this emotional maze Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 sick after all this i still love here...am i a glutton for punishment? Its been no contact since she left,,just hurts like hell to have the woman you have been with for 25 years be able to put me through this suffering and be able to sleep at night. I dont understand her and she wont open up to me to share whats in her heart. I guess i just need to bite the bullet and move on. I take just wait around by myself its dibilitating. I need attention affection and love..I have those things for 25 years. I miss her already even in her altered state but i must not waiver in my resolve. Just very sad right now but i guess thats par for the course. i prat for god to help me find the path out of this emotional maze Maintain strict no contact and you will be surprised at how quickly you begin to detach - emotionally - from her. You're kids are grown so she has no reason at all to contact you - your kids can do it themselves if they need something. Healing is possible but not when you do nothing to repair your ego, self-esteem, and sit around crying. You've done that and you seem ready to begin the process of letting her go and starting a new life. The way you get there is one step at a time, and the first is to detach from her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 25 years is a long time, why would an intelligent caring mother and wife throw it all away for some loser she was married to more then 25 years ago for a whole 6 months? If it didn't work then and by the sounds of things he's in an even worse position now, why would she think it would work now? Was her plan to move you out, keep the equity and move him in? How would your boys like that scenario? There is something wrong with her thinking. Maybe like most cheaters she didn't expect you to find out. Second chances are earned, she has done nothing that has earned her a second chance so far. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Read up on the 180. Your best friend at this time http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 guess im on the road to detachment now with NC...I cant worry about what shes doing rigt now i guess I can only control my own actions,,thanks everyone 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 i own the house outright i worked my ass off the pay it off...5000 sq ft in nj dont come cheap. like i said my sons are my proudest achievement both eagle scouts and i was scout master to 53 kids thatt Impacted gretaly as they grew into men, My sons are a different breed. if we where in the mall i ponited out a pretty girl they would tell me you have a wife dad.. They are fine men and would be crushed by this. She thinks they are older and will deal with it fine, I dont beleive she understand the impact of this, she will have to earn it now thanks to my friends here that lit the tunnel and showed me the way out,,I will keep you posted my peops...will be my first birthday without her tomorrow since we where married but ill get over that semper Fi peops 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 they would never accept him not in a million years ...i spent to much time with then teachig and nurturing them. They know more about the outdoors, boating and fishing and construction than most adults...i raised them to be men not burdens on society. I always vowed after my dad deserted me at 14 that i would never put them through that no matter what..I guess thats why Im fighting so hard to save my family...I wouldnt doubt one bit if they both chose to live with me when the rubber hits the road. One is in college for mechanical engineering te oter will be soon for the same major. one swims in d3 college the other is MVP of his track team...I did there home work with them there whole lives when they needed help and spend probably 25 weeks vacations at scouting camps troughout the years...but this all gets dismissed by my WS 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 One day at a time. Stay NC. You'll get there. If you reach out now you lose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 im not marc 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 You've raised fine young men there. No doubt they'll make good partners in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 Walk away wife. There is a thread with common abv. I will try to find it. As to MOM, let me put it to you this way: 3 months from now, still separated, you talk to a woman, just talk. 2 months later you start to have feelings. She is married to a guy who seems like a nice guy but just does not get her, she feels always alone. What are you going to do? Get laid or tell her to work on her marriage. Hint: get laid makes you what? In my view worse, you would inflict this pain on another human being? You are actually describing what might happen in 6 months with your wife. Don't let it happen. For now focus on the 180, and the divorce. Why share with your sons, I assume you have spoken of the damage your dad's behavior with them in some form? Perhaps pointing out other men who did the same to them? My dad did. When he saw it I could sense a quite anger shimmering around him. He was younger when his dad dumped him. I guess shortly after WWII. You know how hard your mom's wife was his was worse. He was the scoutmaster for close to 10 years, long after his sons left. Our troop was around the same number. He left the troop to his assistant who went on to be awarded the silver beaver. My dad looked to my mom a lot, on how to be a father and a husband. Unfortunately she was a stronger woman then your's. Christ I miss my dad and mom too. Bye the way my father refused to speak to his for the last forty years or so of his dads life. Keep in IC, read "Not Just Friends" it will explain a lot. Get a membership so I can PM or wait I think for another 2 months, since you have the required posts. I would like to send you a bullet point on how this happened but the mods think it to might be copywriter. I wrote it but based it on a number of books. Next: understand this: your WW will always be a danger to repeat adultery, with you or someone else. She should have done what you have done the last seven months (MOM too). She should have demanded change, she should have told you to separate with strict guidelines as to money, NO socializing with the OS, etc while working with a MC. Finally forget younger. A friend of my fathers endured what you are, in fact he sounds like you in many ways. He married a very attractive woman 2 years older and sl less attractive in the just walking by sense. When he passed one of his last comments was "I thought I had a great marriage, then I married Nancy, then I learned what a great marriage was. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kvolm2016 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 So sorry for all the pain It sounds like you are doing all that you can at this point. Unless she is willing to continue on with IC for herself and participate in couples therapy there probably won't be much change in her. She has to want to change. Do you see any evidence of that in her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Your sons also need to know the truth to avoid their marriages failing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Your sons also need to know the truth to avoid their marriages failing Yes they need the truth and need it now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 I wouldn't address in detail with the kids unless she starts painting you as the guilty party and it affects your relationship with them. I have learned from being a teacher that kids are far more perceptive of their surroundings than we give them credit for. My former stepsons didn't need an explanation when my ex-wife and I first split as they had witnessed a few fights and knew that they're mother wasn't a saint. I didn't talk about the infidelity, I just told them that it didn't work between their mom and I but that we both loved them and that's what counts. They put the pieces together pretty quickly when the new/old boyfriend moved into the house. Especially because they had heard us fighting over her having contact with them. They brought him up here and there and just kept my trap shut. Unfortunately, they started to question her and her new beau at home and that's when I wasn't allowed to see them anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Wow oats that is rough. Listen everyone that says OP should not tell the boys are just wrong. 1) They will find out and they will be pissed. 2) They are his kids (as far as we know) 3) They are young adults and they have a right to understand what is happening to their family. I have 2 boys and a girl I know what I am talking about... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Wow oats that is rough. Listen everyone that says OP should not tell the boys are just wrong. 1) They will find out and they will be pissed. 2) They are his kids (as far as we know) 3) They are young adults and they have a right to understand what is happening to their family. I have 2 boys and a girl I know what I am talking about... Unless the kids ask point-blank I would avoid sharing any "details" with them at this time. You need to see how things play out and make some final decisions - telling them now any more than "we're having problems" is wrong. It's not fair to jerk their emotions around.... Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I wouldn't address in detail with the kids unless she starts painting you as the guilty party and it affects your relationship with them. I have learned from being a teacher that kids are far more perceptive of their surroundings than we give them credit for. My former stepsons didn't need an explanation when my ex-wife and I first split as they had witnessed a few fights and knew that they're mother wasn't a saint. I didn't talk about the infidelity, I just told them that it didn't work between their mom and I but that we both loved them and that's what counts. They put the pieces together pretty quickly when the new/old boyfriend moved into the house. Especially because they had heard us fighting over her having contact with them. They brought him up here and there and just kept my trap shut. Unfortunately, they started to question her and her new beau at home and that's when I wasn't allowed to see them anymore. This is why you were wrong to deny them the truth. They needed the truth to protect themselves from the low life OM once he entered their life. You failed them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
EveryWomanJ2911 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 6, 2017 Author Share Posted February 6, 2017 NC is what im doing... im hanging in there 1 day at a time or minute thanks for asking 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostNbroken1964 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 Sitting home alone...bored but staying strong...Havent spoken to her in a couple of days. No texting either...she texted me but I didnt answer.. One of her friends texted me asking how I was doing...didnt reply to that either. Its scary but what are my options...live the rest of my life wondering if she loves me while I provide a very comfortable lifestyle for her or get myself back to the strong man father and person I always was and find someone who Truly appreciates and loves me. I choose the latter. Its just scary thinking I have to go out in the world at 53 looking for my next Love after 25 years..thank god im still in good shape, GL and a general good person...I just really need a hug or just to feel wanted again as pitiful as that sounds...thanks for checking on me 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Make yourself get out of the house. Go visit friends, relatives, etc. take your kids on a weekend trip anywhere but do something. Walk, join a gym, go to a mall and walk around but get out. Upgrade your wardrobe, keep your hair cut, take some cooking classes. Do something for you. Get off the damn couch. Advice is worthless unless you use it so don't stop now. You're doing great you just don't know it. Move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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