She shows up after 4 years, I took the bait, now I feel heartbroken

[The_Dork_Lard]

I received a text yesterday, and I have no idea how to respond to it. Maybe a few of you good people here could read my back story and help me out? I'd be very grateful.

 

 

Several years ago, I was seeing to women at the same time for about 3 years. Both knew of each other, and accepted this. However one of them, we'll call her Annie, met somebody else (we'll call him Dave) and ended things with me in Jan 2013. She said she wanted stability and monogamy - monogamy being a concept I was asking critical questions about at the time. I was very upset, especially as she cut me off abruptly, but in time I accepted my loss and moved on. In July 2013 I asked to meet and received a fairly cold "no".

 

 

 

Fast forward to Sep just gone - nearly 4 years post break up - and out of the blue I receive an email from her, telling me she has thought of me everyday, that she's driven past what she thought was my house lots of times, but too nervous to knock, and wants to catch up with me. It was a very full on email, with kisses on the end. At this point I had no idea she was still with Dave.

 

 

Anyway, I always felt a huge connection and attraction to Annie, and always thought of her as the one that got away. So, being intrigued, I agreed, and we met once in Oct, once in late Dec, and lastly on Saturday just gone - all just a couple of hours, a very 'tea and biscuits' type of affair. After we met for the first time in Oct, I received several emails telling me she feels love, sexual attraction, nostalgia, all of it with me. I'm pulled in by this, naturally. It also became very clear in our Oct and Dec meetings that she was not happy with Dave, as he paid her no attention, they were not intimate, and she felt as if they were an old couple (he's 10 years older than her, I am 5 years younger). Yes, alarm bells were ringing, and I had a sneaky suspicion I was the next branch she was clinging onto before letting go of the other, but we were physically embracing each other and this was reigniting all those old feelings in me. In Dec, she told me she was going to suggest a separation with Dave, and that's exactly what she did a couple of days into the new year.

 

 

 

Well, he decided to own the situation, and cleared his stuff out while she was at work, and subsequently gave her the impression he's fine, and goes out with his mates every night. Annie wasn't expecting this, it hit her really hard, and she couldn't eat or sleep for a few weeks, which take us up to the present day. She came to me on Saturday, and immediately, I could tell something was not right. Firstly, she was nearly half an hour late, and told me she couldn't stay long, as she had to walk her dog before going out for the evening. She said the reason she was late was that she fell asleep. alarm bells rang, but nevertheless, we chatted. 'd been so excited to see her that I opened up about my feelings for her. Nothing overly dramatic, but an honest and mature expression. There was little reaction, and no reciprocation of feedback to this. But, she lay on me, putting her head in my chest, and I thought "she feels close, good". Then, as she left, we kissed. Oh my lord! I thought all my birthdays had come at once, all condensed into that minute or so, and I felt myself fall hard in that moment. Then she left.

 

 

The moment she left, I had an awful but familiar gut feeling: deep angst. An angst we all know when something is going wrong with our lovers, and we suddenly realise how vulnerable we are. I'd not felt with her at all until that moment, I sort of instinctively knew I'd receive a 'thanks, but no thanks' email, call or text. I didn't wait long. She text me last night while I was at work, and this is what it said:

 

 

Hiya [old college petname], hope you're ok. You've been in my thoughts loads since I left you... have been thinking too a lot about us and I really don't think I can have a relationship with you other than friends. I'm sorry. I love you for who you are and would never change you, it's just our views on relationships are so opposite...I'm a 'one man' woman and need a 'one woman' man and I know this is so not who you are.I'm not ready to be willing to risk having my heart broken again and feel it's only fair to be honest with you.You mean so much to me, I never want to hurt you and really hope you understand. If you want me to keep out of your life, I shall respect that but do hope we can still be friends. Thinking of you. Lots of love, take care xx"

 

I went numb reading it, and I'm so embarrassed to admit that today I kinda collapsed on the floor and started having a panic attack, wtf? I spend a grand total of 6 hours with this woman since Jan 2013, and I'm on the floor. We haven't even chatted about our views on relationships ,and actually, I am a one woman man these days. I love the idea of having just one special woman in my life. So she conceives of me the way I used to view relationships. Not that this matters, because I don't think this is why she ended this. I think it was an excuse.

 

 

Firstly, can anybody give me some perspective on this? I assume she used me to gain attention and then lost interest when she got it, and this text is a load of crap so she doesn't have to say "I lost interest".

 

 

Secondly, how on earth should I reply leaving my dignity intact? Should I even reply?

 

 

I can't believe how devastated I am. And I'm not young, nor is this my first experience of love gone wrong, not by a million miles. I feel such a fool, but all I want is a bit of romance and tenderness with somebody I feel deeply attracted to. It's evaded me my whole life. It's like the universe takes the piss out of us.

Edited February 1, 2017 by The_Dork_Lard

[loveiswar101]

Hey Friend,

 

Haven't read previous post but on the outline of this one it's not good. Time like this I feel honesty is the best way.

 

She's having issues with her man (Dave) and need some reassurance of her life so to speak, basically she is still wanted by someone and you gave her that. Simple answer but feel bang on in my view of why she originally made contact.

 

I'm in the very same boat, woman I dearly care for is killing me at the moment, as soon as I walk away she contacts me somehow, we hang out and I fall to my knees again. Then as soon as I open up she backs a way saying only can do friends. My head spins.

 

Please don't let your head spin like mind is at moment. A simple reply would be along the lines of...

 

" hiya back, shame as friends is not what I'm looking for at the moment, once you've sorted things with Dave out, hit me up and we can go from there, otherwise I wish you well"

 

Something like that. Short and sweet, to the point. Don't get into a bat and ball with texts though.

 

Don't try and keep someone in your life who isn't trying to keep you in theirs, that my thoughts.

 

I feel for you but it was really just an ego boost (not nasty intended one), she just seems lost at moment and needed someone to cry on and give her a boost in life.

 

Please don't chase this down the rabbit hole, pain will only prevail.

 

Good luck

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If you want to be with her in a monogamous relationship then tell her that. It still may feel too soon to jump into another relationship, but at least she will know exactly where she stands with you.

[The_Dork_Lard]

Hey Friend,

 

Haven't read previous post but on the outline of this one it's not good. Time like this I feel honesty is the best way.

 

She's having issues with her man (Dave) and need some reassurance of her life so to speak, basically she is still wanted by someone and you gave her that. Simple answer but feel bang on in my view of why she originally made contact.

 

I'm in the very same boat, woman I dearly care for is killing me at the moment, as soon as I walk away she contacts me somehow, we hang out and I fall to my knees again. Then as soon as I open up she backs a way saying only can do friends. My head spins.

 

Please don't let your head spin like mind is at moment. A simple reply would be along the lines of...

 

" hiya back, shame as friends is not what I'm looking for at the moment, once you've sorted things with Dave out, hit me up and we can go from there, otherwise I wish you well"

 

Something like that. Short and sweet, to the point. Don't get into a bat and ball with texts though.

 

Don't try and keep someone in your life who isn't trying to keep you in theirs, that my thoughts.

 

I feel for you but it was really just an ego boost (not nasty intended one), she just seems lost at moment and needed someone to cry on and give her a boost in life.

 

Please don't chase this down the rabbit hole, pain will only prevail.

 

Good luck

 

That's it in a nutshell. I've been digesting my situation all night and pretty much concluded what you have said. This is the second time she's hurt me this way, and there definitely won't be a third.

[The_Dork_Lard]

If you want to be with her in a monogamous relationship then tell her that.

 

My issue with this is that I fear it makes me look a bit desperate, as if I'm bargaining or clutching at straws. A bit like wailing "I can change, please give me a chance", which will likely repel her. She doesn't know that my views on relationships have changed because we never had that conversation this side of 2013.

 

I'll probably let her go. She's the one with the issues and baggage, not me. I was doing fine being on my own til she came along and turned my turf over.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Fair enough. I just assumed since you referred to her as "the one that got away" that you wouldn't want to give her up over a potential misunderstanding about relationship values.

 

There is nothing desperate about clarifying that you actually do want the same things in a relationship and wishing her the best regardless.

 

Like I said, she may not be ready for anything right now, but it leaves a door open, if that is in fact what you want.

 

It's your call.

[loveiswar101]

I'll probably let her go. She's the one with the issues and baggage, not me. I was doing fine being on my own til she came along and turned my turf over.

 

I fully agree with you here. Life and relationships are not game, unfortunately for some it is it seems.

 

But on a flip coin of what i said early, don't burn your bridges if you do like her. My short reply or something like that say's... i may be interested but only once you've sorted you baggage out ie Dave.

 

But if not interested at all don't let her in at all. It was breadcrumbs so to speak her catching up, she got what she wanted.

 

Due to my actions the woman I like knows she has me and if I was honest to myself, she has.

 

I do wish I was in your shoes, ie 4 years, im not saying it's easy but hopefully more in control of your thoughts and your actions.

[Raina314]

Hey, just wanted to say I've been in a similar situation as "Annie." I was semi-serious with a guy (in 2013) who had another girlfriend (he was poly, I was not and never even really considered it as an option). We were really into each other, but I ended it because I'm a one man woman and I wanted a one woman man.

 

After I left, he decided he wanted to be monogamous with me and was willing to leave the other girl to be with me. Even though I still had some feelings for him, I said no because I already felt mildly disgusted with the whole experience. I was angry at myself for abandoning my principles by messing around with him in the first place and I didn't want anything more to do with that part of my life. I also didn't trust that he would actually be capable of giving up his former lifestyle just for me. I thought as soon as he'd had me for a bit he'd go out looking for more again.

 

Maybe he wouldn't have done that and would've stuck to monogamy, but I had no way of knowing that and just felt safer trying to move on with people I knew for a fact had always been monogamous.

 

In short, I think your ex may have felt some similar things, but did still care for you and didn't want to just leave you in the dark. Just my two cents.

[SevenCity]

I received a text yesterday, and I have no idea how to respond to it. Maybe a few of you good people here could read my back story and help me out? I'd be very grateful.

 

 

Several years ago, I was seeing to women at the same time for about 3 years. Both knew of each other, and accepted this. However one of them, we'll call her Annie, met somebody else (we'll call him Dave) and ended things with me in Jan 2013. She said she wanted stability and monogamy - monogamy being a concept I was asking critical questions about at the time. I was very upset, especially as she cut me off abruptly, but in time I accepted my loss and moved on. In July 2013 I asked to meet and received a fairly cold "no".

 

 

 

Fast forward to Sep just gone - nearly 4 years post break up - and out of the blue I receive an email from her, telling me she has thought of me everyday, that she's driven past what she thought was my house lots of times, but too nervous to knock, and wants to catch up with me. It was a very full on email, with kisses on the end. At this point I had no idea she was still with Dave.

 

 

Anyway, I always felt a huge connection and attraction to Annie, and always thought of her as the one that got away. So, being intrigued, I agreed, and we met once in Oct, once in late Dec, and lastly on Saturday just gone - all just a couple of hours, a very 'tea and biscuits' type of affair. After we met for the first time in Oct, I received several emails telling me she feels love, sexual attraction, nostalgia, all of it with me. I'm pulled in by this, naturally. It also became very clear in our Oct and Dec meetings that she was not happy with Dave, as he paid her no attention, they were not intimate, and she felt as if they were an old couple (he's 10 years older than her, I am 5 years younger). Yes, alarm bells were ringing, and I had a sneaky suspicion I was the next branch she was clinging onto before letting go of the other, but we were physically embracing each other and this was reigniting all those old feelings in me. In Dec, she told me she was going to suggest a separation with Dave, and that's exactly what she did a couple of days into the new year.

 

 

 

Well, he decided to own the situation, and cleared his stuff out while she was at work, and subsequently gave her the impression he's fine, and goes out with his mates every night. Annie wasn't expecting this, it hit her really hard, and she couldn't eat or sleep for a few weeks, which take us up to the present day. She came to me on Saturday, and immediately, I could tell something was not right. Firstly, she was nearly half an hour late, and told me she couldn't stay long, as she had to walk her dog before going out for the evening. She said the reason she was late was that she fell asleep. alarm bells rang, but nevertheless, we chatted. 'd been so excited to see her that I opened up about my feelings for her. Nothing overly dramatic, but an honest and mature expression. There was little reaction, and no reciprocation of feedback to this. But, she lay on me, putting her head in my chest, and I thought "she feels close, good". Then, as she left, we kissed. Oh my lord! I thought all my birthdays had come at once, all condensed into that minute or so, and I felt myself fall hard in that moment. Then she left.

 

 

The moment she left, I had an awful but familiar gut feeling: deep angst. An angst we all know when something is going wrong with our lovers, and we suddenly realise how vulnerable we are. I'd not felt with her at all until that moment, I sort of instinctively knew I'd receive a 'thanks, but no thanks' email, call or text. I didn't wait long. She text me last night while I was at work, and this is what it said:

 

 

Hiya [old college petname], hope you're ok. You've been in my thoughts loads since I left you... have been thinking too a lot about us and I really don't think I can have a relationship with you other than friends. I'm sorry. I love you for who you are and would never change you, it's just our views on relationships are so opposite...I'm a 'one man' woman and need a 'one woman' man and I know this is so not who you are.I'm not ready to be willing to risk having my heart broken again and feel it's only fair to be honest with you.You mean so much to me, I never want to hurt you and really hope you understand. If you want me to keep out of your life, I shall respect that but do hope we can still be friends. Thinking of you. Lots of love, take care xx"

 

I went numb reading it, and I'm so embarrassed to admit that today I kinda collapsed on the floor and started having a panic attack, wtf? I spend a grand total of 6 hours with this woman since Jan 2013, and I'm on the floor. We haven't even chatted about our views on relationships ,and actually, I am a one woman man these days. I love the idea of having just one special woman in my life. So she conceives of me the way I used to view relationships. Not that this matters, because I don't think this is why she ended this. I think it was an excuse.

 

 

Firstly, can anybody give me some perspective on this? I assume she used me to gain attention and then lost interest when she got it, and this text is a load of crap so she doesn't have to say "I lost interest".

 

 

Secondly, how on earth should I reply leaving my dignity intact? Should I even reply?

 

 

I can't believe how devastated I am. And I'm not young, nor is this my first experience of love gone wrong, not by a million miles. I feel such a fool, but all I want is a bit of romance and tenderness with somebody I feel deeply attracted to. It's evaded me my whole life. It's like the universe takes the piss out of us.

 

 

My biggest issue with this situation is that instead of working things out or talking with Dave, she ran to you for attention. Once she received said attention and Dave didn't seem to care, she all of a sudden had an issue with your prior relationship views.

 

This to me says that once she is back with you and starts having trouble, she will reach out to another guy. It's not right.

 

I also think you are correct in that she was using an excuse. She got what she needed from you and no longer required it.

 

This whole situation stinks but the fact is she was dishonest with Dave, and would be to you in the future once things weren't perfect.

 

I wouldn't respond because of that. If she were single then I might say "I understand how you feel but my views have changed. Regardless, reach out to me if you change your mind" to leave the door open. If that is really the reason she'll want to know more.

 

I know how hard it is to let go of a woman you truly loved - you never fully let them go. But it's also comforting to know you are saving yourself from giving away your power to someone else.

[ljubicica]

I don't see her actions as an ego boost at all, I think she knew from the start she had you were not good for her for all these "player" elements in your life (from not believing in monogamy, having what sounds like firm arguments against it [meaning you'll stick to that philosophy in the long run and it's not just BS] to asking to meet even though she was already in a relationship), and just had to find someone else with similar values, but kept you in the back of her head all this time. She probably came back and started to feel more and there's nothing more petrifying than giving up to that feeling, becoming vulnerable, only to be smashed again by someone you knew from the very start, wasn't good for you. So to protect herself she decided to cut it all off and sent you that. It hurts but it's less painful than the pain of betrayal later on.

 

I could be wrong in all of this of course but this is just my take after experiencing something similar and seeing other girls around me going through the same.

 

Instead of jumping to conclusions where it's all about her lack of values and you've just been played, I would do as Scarlett.O'hara says. You may have felt your expression of feelings was done in a mature and honest way, maybe she expected more drama lol, a bigger statement, or maybe next to your past, such an expression sounds like a half-baked wish for the receiver. I'd say try again and if you believe in commitment and being that person she sounds like she wants you to be (completely loyal), tell her and make the effort to show it through actions.

[anduina]

My issue with this is that I fear it makes me look a bit desperate, as if I'm bargaining or clutching at straws. A bit like wailing "I can change, please give me a chance", which will likely repel her. She doesn't know that my views on relationships have changed because we never had that conversation this side of 2013.

 

I'll probably let her go. She's the one with the issues and baggage, not me. I was doing fine being on my own til she came along and turned my turf over.

It doesn't have to be that way. Instead of clutching your pride, take a chance with a response that lets her know you've become monogamous without begging or bargaining.

 

'Sorry to hear this. So that you know, there have been changes within me in the past four years. Factually speaking, I've become monogamous.'

 

This puts the ball back into her court to accept or remain friends. If she wants proof of monogamy or chooses friendship, don't forget that you can reject her terms of connection.