Mark-23 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Been together for 2 1/2 years. I'm in my late 20s and she's 40. We spoke about our issues of her keeping her ex around while I want us to be official and get engaged. She agreed, but actions speak louder than words. She said she wanted the marriage and house and kids I present her with a few months back. She says she loves me more than anything... (actions speak louder than words.) All of this was said two weeks ago in a coffee shop. Last Thursday, we argued over the phone, I didn't pick up her phone calls all day she called 18 times. Texted me she'd call the next day but didn't. Today is Wednesday, and I still haven't cracked. Giving her the silent treatment. Advice on how to make thing better between us before I walk away from this perminantly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark-23 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 She keeps her ex around and it's one thing that really bothers me. She's lost a lot of respect for me as I went from being alpha to beta since I felt I was competing with him. Thats not the case anymore hence why I've given her the silent treatment. I caught her and called on a few lies which is why we fought. I haven't heard from her in 6 days tomorrow will be a week. I'm not gonna give in or crack. I'm asking for advice, if your advice doesn't work then I'm gonna walk away because it's gonna be her loss not mine. Her ex was with her for 4 years before me and never put a ring on her hand, I'm stronger younger and healthier and I make more than he does. Hopefully my silent treatment will bring my value and status back up. Just waiting for her to crack cause I ain't giving in. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. I very much doubt it will bring your value and status back up. Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I'm no therapist but I don't see anything healthy going on here. She's a grownup but calls you EIGHTEEN (?????) times rather than saying "He isn't going to speak to me right now, I'm backing off"...you smugly refuse to "crack" while giving "the silent treatment"...in what positive way do you expect any of this to end up? This is how middle-schoolers act. Maybe. Some don't do the silent treatment because even to them it seems really silly. Just break it off. Smugly starving someone of attention waiting for the person "to crack" can't possibly end well and isn't a great MO to establish for any sort of relationship going forward, so this is already dead. Make it official and move on, and next time, act more adult in your relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 There is nothing alpha about giving the silent treatment. It is manipulate, emotionally abusive, and has no place in healthy adult relationships. So if anything, you are downgrading your status. A partner who communicates is much more attractive. If her involvement with her ex or lack of ability to commit to a future with you is a dealbreaker, then walk away. If you are willing to compromise, talk to her and see if you can reach a compromise. If this is how you deal with things, then no wonder she doesn't want to commit just yet. Trying to force her hand through manipulation tactics will only cause hurt and resentment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Silent treatment is an ineffective, immature and irrational way to handle problems. You aren't ready for marriage and children if you honestly believe that is a reasonable way to handle conflict. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 The silent treatment is damaging to your relationship. At 40 she probably isn't thinking Oh gee, he's not talking to me I better go crawling over to him begging him not to leave me. She's thinking something very negative & wondering why you are behaving in such an immature manner. He thought process will most likely end with I don't need this garbage, why I am I putting up with this? I can do better. If you want to heal your relationship talk to her. If you can't talk to her & continue playing games you will lose her for sure. If she insists on keeping the EX around, just break up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 If her still speaking to her ex is a deal breaker to you, then you need to communicate that with her. Tell her, if she doesn't cut him out of her life, then she well have to cut you out. And be prepared to walk. The silent treatment is emotionally abusive and childish. In a grown up relationship you need communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark-23 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. I very much doubt it will bring your value and status back up. Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism I tried to talk to her many many times. Because I wanna get serious and she won't go along the terms we both agreed to. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. I very much doubt it will bring your value and status back up. Yup. My husband does this. He literally storms off and goes to "bed" even if it's 7PM. It drives a deeper wedge every single time and makes him seem less and less of a man to me to the point that by now, when he touches me I grit my teeth and close my eyes and imagine someone more masculine and mature (during the rare times we have sex at all). We will wind up divorced, period. It's like he's eight years old, remembering that this worked with Mommy or something and he figures it will work forever...even now that he's on the downside of 40 heading toward 50. Nope. OP, this method makes you seem like a child and not someone anyone would be sexually attracted to...it's cringe-worthy. "I'm going to starve you of affection and attention" doesn't work for anything, really, except with the absolutely most insecure partner possible, and who wants that partner anyway? Mind-boggling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 I tried to talk to her many many times. Because I wanna get serious and she won't go along the terms we both agreed to. Then walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark-23 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 If her still speaking to her ex is a deal breaker to you, then you need to communicate that with her. Tell her, if she doesn't cut him out of her life, then she well have to cut you out. And be prepared to walk. The silent treatment is emotionally abusive and childish. In a grown up relationship you need communication. Her ex in the picture is a deal breaker. She swears and she cries telling me she wants to be the mother of my children, she wants the house I designed (I'm an engineer), she wants the marriage of me making her coffee/capuccino in the morning and bringing it to her bed. But her actions compromise what we both agreed to. Thus I gave her the silent treatment. Ladies if me giving her the silent treatment is wrong and immature, then what should I do to bring up my value and my respect and dignity in front of her eyes? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark-23 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 Then walk away. I might as well... I came here to get advice before I take the option of walking away Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 (edited) Ladies if me giving her the silent treatment is wrong and immature, then what should I do to bring up my value and my respect and dignity in front of her eyes? You either accept the situation genuinely or you walk away. Someone who sticks to what they want without making a fuss is attractive. Edited February 1, 2017 by olivetree 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 Ladies if me giving her the silent treatment is wrong and immature, then what should I do to bring up my value and my respect and dignity in front of her eyes? Talk to her. Say something along the lines of Hey, we talked about the future & what it would look like. I'd be happy to provide you with the dream but your EX still hanging around is a nightmare. He's got to go. Otherwise I'm outta here. Yes, it's an ultimatum but your value won't go up in her eyes until it goes up in your own. You have to take action to set and enforce the boundaries you want. Sadly, she won't know your value until she's lost you & you don't care about her anymore. As long as you keep putting up with her nonsense she sees you as an inferior door mat 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark-23 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 You know I'm gonna take you just wrote. Give me a plan though and yes she doesn't know my value at all and I will be walking away because I'm no longer going to be putting up with the lies and the manipulation she's been putting me through As much as I love her more than anything and I want her to be the mother of my children out of any other female outthere, no I don't care anymore cause I was going through severe depression. And sleepless nights over her false promises. I lost my job at Boeing, just got hired by the department of defense as a contractor. Her ex works in a hospital as the doctors bitch. I'm just lost.... ok so don't judge me by my silent treatment Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mark-23 Posted February 1, 2017 Author Share Posted February 1, 2017 You either accept the situation genuinely or you walk away. Someone who sticks to what they want without making a fuss is attractive. Ok well I'd rather take this inniiative that walking away forever... why? Because I love her more than anything. She is the love of my life. How do I stick with it? Please give me advice and lots of details Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 1, 2017 Share Posted February 1, 2017 You either accept the situation genuinely or you walk away. Someone who sticks to what they want without making a fuss is attractive. If she is still hanging onto her ex then you don't want to marry her anyway! Is she not over him? She is 40? Time is ticking for her to have kids and the situation can be high risk. Have you thought about how you would cope if you had a child with health issues? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts