This affair is taking over my life and I can't take it anymore

[Confused78]

Never thought I'd be posting anonymously on a forum about this but here it is....I need someone to talk some sense into me. I've been with my husband for 23 years...I'm only 37. Married for 12 of those years, our children are grown now (we were young parents). Our relationship has never been that great but I put up with a lot over these years in order to raise our kids (we did a good job - they're great kids. For all his faults, my husband is/was an awesome dad). I was completely faithful to him. A couple years ago I found naked pictures in his phone and texts to another woman and I tried to kick him out and finally move on - but that's not easy after all these years. From that day forward, he's done a complete 180. He comes home from work on time, instead of hours late with no explanation like before, he spends time with me now, he treats me much better. Shortly after I found the pics and texts though, a friend introduced me to a guy and we began texting back and forth, pretty much daily. It took us about 3 months to become physical. We're going on 2 years now, we see each other a few times a month and keep in touch mostly by text through the week. He was engaged to be married when I met him- they kept breaking up and getting back together and they finally did get married about a year ago. Here's the thing - logically I know I love my husband, I really do. But I don't really have any interest in sleeping with him - after all these years, he's really just my best friend. I don't want to leave him but my feelings for this other guy have pretty much taken over my life. I think about him 24/7 and I don't want to. He's married, I'm married, we enjoy each other's company occasionally....why can't I just leave it at that? Instead I always feel anxious...if he doesn't text me for a couple days I can't focus....if he doesn't call me baby, I wonder what's wrong. I look at his wife's social media CONSTANTLY (like way too much to be normal) and it hurts me when I see he's liked her pictures or comments. It hurts my heart and makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. We don't ever talk about our feelings really....I know he cares about me but other than that this is really just for sex and friendship. Sometimes I can keep everything in perspective but it's getting harder lately. Maybe because he doesn't seem as infatuated with me as he used to, while I'm just falling more for him. Logically I know that it's just the affair making me feel this way (obsessed, infatuated, etc) - it wouldn't last in an actual real relationship but knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling so damn obsessive. I feel like I'm in constant competition with his wife and I don't want to be like this. It's not her fault - I know him and I are the a**holes in this situation. So why do I dislike her so much? I'm not a mean person so I don't want to have such a dislike for someone who has done absolutely nothing to deserve it. If I tell him I need to move on, he'll be upset but would let me go- he's a nice guy apart from the cheating and he treats me really well. I don't know what advice I'm looking for but this relationship is killing me and I can't leave him alone. I can't focus on anything else. I want to and I try to but he pops back into my head and then I get the worst anxious feeling in my stomach and chest. Literally. I'm at work now and I can't even get my job done. All I think about is him, when he'll text me, if he still feels the same, etc. I didn't feel like this at first. I don't know what to do so I'm asking strangers on the internet to give me the push I need to leave him alone. That's what I should do right? I'm scared he'll get right over me and I'll be stuck on him, sad and grieving. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for decades - I am clearly not the best at letting go. Someone please talk some sense into me.

[freengreen]

Before all this begun, this was you:No waiting for 'baby' no waiting for 'texts' no constantly checking some strangers facebook page and no extra heartache.

 

Now it has begun and will be like this or more of it for the rest of the days. For how long?, it depends on you. The highs will keep lifting you up and then the lows let you down from that altitude. Over and over and over again. You end up bruised inside out.

 

Think. Hugs.

[Confused78]

Thank you Freengreen. Seeing it written out from someone else really does help.

[eye of the storm]

..... my feelings for this other guy have pretty much taken over my life. I think about him 24/7 and I don't want to. He's married, I'm married, we enjoy each other's company occasionally....why can't I just leave it at that? Instead I always feel anxious...if he doesn't text me for a couple days I can't focus....if he doesn't call me baby, I wonder what's wrong. I look at his wife's social media CONSTANTLY (like way too much to be normal) and it hurts me when I see he's liked her pictures or comments. It hurts my heart and makes me feel like he doesn't care about me. We don't ever talk about our feelings really....I know he cares about me but other than that this is really just for sex and friendship. Sometimes I can keep everything in perspective but it's getting harder lately. Maybe because he doesn't seem as infatuated with me as he used to, while I'm just falling more for him. Logically I know that it's just the affair making me feel this way (obsessed, infatuated, etc) - it wouldn't last in an actual real relationship but knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling so damn obsessive. I feel like I'm in constant competition with his wife and I don't want to be like this. It's not her fault - I know him and I are the a**holes in this situation. So why do I dislike her so much? I'm not a mean person so I don't want to have such a dislike for someone who has done absolutely nothing to deserve it. If I tell him I need to move on, he'll be upset but would let me go- he's a nice guy apart from the cheating and he treats me really well. I don't know what advice I'm looking for but this relationship is killing me and I can't leave him alone. I can't focus on anything else. I want to and I try to but he pops back into my head and then I get the worst anxious feeling in my stomach and chest. Literally. I'm at work now and I can't even get my job done. All I think about is him, when he'll text me, if he still feels the same, etc. I didn't feel like this at first. I don't know what to do so I'm asking strangers on the internet to give me the push I need to leave him alone. That's what I should do right? I'm scared he'll get right over me and I'll be stuck on him, sad and grieving. I stayed in an unhappy relationship for decades - I am clearly not the best at letting go. Someone please talk some sense into me.

 

Does any of this sound like you are having fun?

 

On a side note, anything that endangers your job should be let go immediately. You are going to lose your job, your marriage and find out you never had this guy. Cause as soon as your real world issues intrude onto his fantasy he will dump you so fast your head will spin.

 

He is already pulling away because you are becoming clingy. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He wants occasional NSA sex. That is why you are reacting so strongly. You feel him drifting away so you hold tighter which causes him to drift away faster. Let him go and work on repairing any issues you have caused at work, and any issues you have at home.

[Confused78]

Thanks for bolding those words eye of the storm - when I look at it that way, it's very apparent that this isn't good for me. And you're right - I'm not having fun. Regarding being clingy - I'm letting my emotions all out on here but he doesn't know any of this. He wants to see me more and is often upset that I don't make more time for him - I make up excuses to avoid him because the more I see him, the worse these feelings get. My marriage and my pride has really prevented me from making it known how much I care about him - if anything he probably thinks I'm less emotionally invested than he is. As for my job, I do manage to get my work done and I've been here for 10 years and am a valued employee BUT this distracts me from focusing like I should.

[eye of the storm]

Confused, you would be amazed at how much we give away with word choices, body language, and micro expressions.

 

I would bet a buck he knows. And your H knows something is up to. There is no way you are completely covering up this much agitation.

 

For yourself, you need to end this.

[BluesPower]

Confused78, goodness girl...

 

First before you blow my advice off because I am a guy, understand this. I am your AP. I have been a BS and as very WS. I have taken bored women like you to bed countless times. Not proud, just facts...

 

OK here we go. Baby, he does not love you and he never will. He probably loves his wife and you are the side dish. He kept you around, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED, SEX STARVED and DESPERATE for romance and intimacy.

 

Just like most women, the more that you had sex with him the more you fell in love with him and now, you are in too deep and delusional about the affair. That part is called the "Affair Fog".

 

So yes, you are being a fool in every way, you are being played in every way.

 

If you want him to leave you alone, call his wife and tell her you have been having an affair with her newly wed husband for 2 years.

 

If you think that I am wrong, you are welcome to read some of my other posts until you understand that I have done this before.

 

Now, do you believe that if you told him to divorce his wife, and you divorce your husband, do you think that he will want to be with you, together? I mean, it has happened before. But it almost never does.

 

Now let's look at your husband that you "Really Love" and he is a "Great Father", and I bet her earns most of the money for your lifestyle. Right??

 

We all know that is just pure horse manure... Every bit of it.

 

He is just the dumb stooge that loves you, provides for you and your children and helps raise them. Gee, he is just such a crappy guy, isn't he???

 

So when he finds out what you have been doing, will you just beg him to take you back with extra sex and BJ's??? That will probably work, not.

 

You, unfortunately are like a lot of woman, you get butt hurt about your hardworking husbands lack of attention, stop initiating sex, reject him when he wants it, and then blame the "Lack of Sparks" on him. Yeah, Right?

 

Listen, I am really not trying to beat you up, but what I am telling you is the truth.

 

Your husband knows that something is up, he is just to scared or too busy to look under the hood of your marriage to be sure that you are cheating. But, his gut has already let him know that you are unfaithful.

 

If you cannot stop the affair, and work on your marriage with your husband, then please have the courtesy to file for divorce and let him have a life. A life with a woman that really loves him. Please do this for him, because it is the kindest thing that you can do for a man that you once loved.

 

Think about it...

[Confused78]

Thanks for your input Blues. I'd just like to correct a couple things as I think you are looking at this from your point of view instead of actually reading the things I wrote - I am the breadwinner in our relationship and have been for many years. I also bought our house before we married and my name is the only one on the deed. Financially, I have the upper hand in our relationship. He also cheated on me multiple times throughout our relationship & marriage - the naked pictures and him telling another woman how he couldn't wait to have sex with her was the final straw for me. I was ready for a divorce and more than willing to follow through. He wouldn't leave. He said he would change and he really has. He does work hard, I don't dispute that, but so do I.

I find 2 of your comments somewhat conflicting. First you post about MM that "He probably loves his wife and you are the side dish".

Then when you mention my love for my husband, you put it in quotes as if it wasn't true: Now let's look at your husband that you "Really Love"

So the MM can truly love his wife but I can't love my husband? (the quotations indicate you don't believe so). That's quite the double standard. So did my husband love me when he cheated on me? Because I honestly do love him and I believe he loves me the same. I'm just trying to get over MM but your comment doesn't really fit our situation because I also know he cares about me as well. And I would never tell his wife. I just really need encouragement to let him go. And I don't understand why I can't stop thinking about him. This isn't something I want.

[Lobouspo]

Just divorce your husband if you love or care for him at all. He really deserves much better

[esperanzado]

Keep coming to this forum. Read a lot. Write a lot. Read some more. Write some more. Together, we can learn so much about ourselves. Together, we see that we are not alone-not special, or unique. Please try to put your needs and your family's needs first. I know it's hard, because I've been there. I still need help and support after almost three years of NC-though it's getting less frequent. I realize that my indiscretions are MY issue, not his-I have issues/things (likely from childhood) I need to work on, and I try to remember this every time I want to go back into the "fog".

 

Not gonna lie, I want SO badly to keep tabs on my AP, and I do sometimes on bad days.. I've deleted my social media, I don't listen to music that reminds me of him... etc. which has helped.

 

In my experience, I feel like a better person when I know I'm not doing anything to harm someone else- including (especially) myself. When we are betraying someone, we feel like a lesser person. And feeling like a lesser person makes us do self-destructive things. It's a vicious cycle and never ends. When you start to make healthy decisions, you WILL feel better and will be less inclined to sink below your standards. Let HIM be the dipsh$# for not seeking help for his problems.

 

There's no cure, only treatment. Strangely enough, I've found some really great parallels in addiction/recovery material from AA,NA... also there's a book "The Language of Letting Go" by melodie Beatty. Maybe check this stuff out. I'd say take the obsessive part of yourself and apply it to healing yourself by reading, going to therapy, talking to us, exercising... etc.

 

Pretend, if you must, that you are above all of this (BC YOU ARE!) -that you are a GREAT person, and take pride in not hurting yourself!!! Stand up for yourself. If ya want to piss him off, tell him to F off. Tell him what you're doing is unhealthy and that you want to better yourself. He'll probably feel like the loser he is, and go find someone else to use. (Plus, you'll get the added boost of ending it first.)

 

This will be hard to do, but as they say, "Fake it 'till ya make it"

 

Sorry you're hurting. It's a scary place, but you'll be OK. If you stop now, you may save your job and much more.

Much love.

 

 

PS- In a fit of obsessive rage, I outed my affair partner a few years ago. Totally sucked, and I was embarrassed. Because I had been lying and cheating. That's no way to live.

[eye of the storm]

Confused, you are going to get good info and bad info here. Blues has a unique outlook as most MM don't post here.

 

Read each post, take what applies, what works, and use it. Take the stuff that doesn't and put it aside.

 

Posters read what you write, they fill in the blanks based on either their own history or experience with this board. Some posters are pretty talented in reading between the lines and getting some truth you wish they hadn't hit on too.

 

Just focus on where you want to be. Then map out how to get there. Finally, start moving.

[esperanzado]

Does any of this sound like you are having fun?

 

On a side note, anything that endangers your job should be let go immediately. You are going to lose your job, your marriage and find out you never had this guy. Cause as soon as your real world issues intrude onto his fantasy he will dump you so fast your head will spin.

 

He is already pulling away because you are becoming clingy. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He wants occasional NSA sex. That is why you are reacting so strongly. You feel him drifting away so you hold tighter which causes him to drift away faster. Let him go and work on repairing any issues you have caused at work, and any issues you have at home.

 

This is great. Love seeing those bolded words. Eye of the storm is brilliant!! Wish someone would have bolded my words for me!

[esperanzado]

Confused, you are going to get good info and bad info here. Blues has a unique outlook as most MM don't post here.

 

Read each post, take what applies, what works, and use it. Take the stuff that doesn't and put it aside.

 

Posters read what you write, they fill in the blanks based on either their own history or experience with this board. Some posters are pretty talented in reading between the lines and getting some truth you wish they hadn't hit on too.

 

Just focus on where you want to be. Then map out how to get there. Finally, start moving.

 

Agreed. Just curious, anyone think angry BS come here to post? Sometimes I wonder...

[cloche]

Just curious, anyone think angry BS come here to post? Sometimes I wonder...

 

They do, but I don't actually think that's where Blues is coming from.

 

And even if it were, it in no way invalidates what he is saying.

[eye of the storm]

Yes, angry BS come here all the time. Unlike some OW, I think it is good for them to come here. Part of the affair fog is we don't think/care/realize there is a living breathing human being we are hurting.

 

Now, that being said, a BS that only comes here to rant and rave instead of giving a valid view point isn't helpful.

 

This forum folder is meant for support and help. Not as an encouragement to continue the A. Not as a whipping post for having gotten into an A. Support and help.

 

For myself, I was a BS and Im a recovering OW. So I can see both sides.

[Jersey born raised]

Are your numbers correct? You stated 37 years old, married for 12, together for 23. Which means your meant your husband at 14, married at 25. Your children are grown which commonly means 18 or older. So your youngest was born when you where 19. If you have older children then you where what 16 or 17?

 

How much older then you is your husband?

 

Although your husband has reformed, the marriage never healed. It seems like you have a deep resentment with this combined with him being financial dead weight is fueling this.

[Confused78]

Esperanzado, thanks so much, that's great advice. I'm planning just to reread everyone's comments every time I think of texting him or checking her social media. It's so helpful to hear other people's advice and stories.

[Confused78]

Eye of the storm, you're absolutely right with all your comments and I do feel a little defensive about certain comments but I know all could possibly be valid so I'm trying to take what helps from each. Another thing - I've also been the BS. I remember nights I cried myself to sleep, so hurt and sick over my husband cheating on me, resenting the other women who were calling and texting him and I swore I would never do anything like that to hurt anyone. So I don't understand why I've allowed myself to get into this position. I should have known better - for years I did know better.

[Confused78]

Jersey born raised - Yes, we met in high school - I was 14, he was 16, married at 25. I'll be 38 next month if that clarifies anything. Our kids are 20 and 18. We did have a year long separation when I was 21 due to his cheating. We got back together and it continued sporadically (well, he was caught sporadically - it could have been regularly for all I know). I agree the marriage never healed - he has always been the type to just expect me to get over it without conversation or any real regret on his end. And as time passes, pain lessens and you think you are over it. Financial resentment was a big part of our issues as well - in the past 2 years, he has greatly improved his contributions towards that as well. I'm considering therapy - not sure if it should be for just me or for both of us. I tried it once years ago and didn't find it helpful.

[Jersey born raised]

I think IC is best at this point for you.

 

You need to go no contact with MOM http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Accept that perhaps you need to divorce but do not accept being "the other woman". Don't ever accept that. Consider that MOM marriage difficulties are caused by your relationship with him. Remenber your pain when you discovered your husbands "other woman".

 

Finally you need to read some lit on marriage. Perhaps His needs Her Needs"

But first how to heal you spouse from your affair. (not sure of exact title, I am sure others post it soon.)

[BluesPower]

Thanks for your input Blues. I'd just like to correct a couple things as I think you are looking at this from your point of view instead of actually reading the things I wrote - I am the breadwinner in our relationship and have been for many years. I also bought our house before we married and my name is the only one on the deed. Financially, I have the upper hand in our relationship.

 

 

He also cheated on me multiple times throughout our relationship & marriage - the naked pictures and him telling another woman how he couldn't wait to have sex with her was the final straw for me. I was ready for a divorce and more than willing to follow through. He wouldn't leave. He said he would change and he really has. He does work hard, I don't dispute that, but so do I.

 

 

I find 2 of your comments somewhat conflicting. First you post about MM that "He probably loves his wife and you are the side dish".

Then when you mention my love for my husband, you put it in quotes as if it wasn't true: Now let's look at your husband that you "Really Love"

So the MM can truly love his wife but I can't love my husband? (the quotations indicate you don't believe so). That's quite the double standard. So did my husband love me when he cheated on me?

 

 

Because I honestly do love him and I believe he loves me the same. I'm just trying to get over MM but your comment doesn't really fit our situation because I also know he cares about me as well. And I would never tell his wife. I just really need encouragement to let him go. And I don't understand why I can't stop thinking about him. This isn't something I want.

 

Well everything that you said makes it all better, continue like you are, Not.

 

First, listen I am trying to get you to understand something about affairs and married man. Here is the deal, if he loved you, really loved you, he would not have gotten married. Do you understand? If you loved him, truly loved him, you would have divorced your husband and gone with the OM before he was married.

 

I am not dogging you to be mean, you are not the most horrible person in the world. Honey, you are not even in my league.

 

Ok, I understand that you love your husband. I get that. Let me say that your MM does not love you or does not love you enough to leave his wife.

 

And while we are talking about your husband... So you are saying that he had a 2 year affair with another woman and had sex multiple times a month? We then you are right, that makes everything even. He betrayed you and you betrayed him. And two wrongs do make a right after all!!!

 

So when your husband finds out that you had an affair, he will hurt just like you did when you caught his sleeping with another woman for 2 years. Right???

 

See, everything you are saying is trying to deflect blame from what you have done. It is ok because he cheated. You really love your MM so that makes it OK. He really cares for you, so that makes it OK.

 

Look, nothing that your husband did, ever, makes it OK to have an affair. Nothing he EVER DID. This was your choice, your decision, your betrayal.

 

You are the bad guy here. This time it is you.

 

So you love your husband, but you love the OM, and you love having sex with the OM. Your OM loves his wife and he loves you as well. OK.

 

Can you start to see how crazy this is? Your OM does not love you, he may very well care a great deal about you, because if he loved you he would file for divorce and be with you. He may love his wife, but right now he is sure too comfortable to think about divorcing his wife to be with you. Hell, I cared about all the woman that I was with, every one, or I would not have been with them.

 

And, I am guessing that you are too comfortable to divorce your husband, pay alimony because you make more, and break apart you family. So you don't love MM enough to do those things either.

 

It is not love. It is an affair. It is exciting. It is taboo. It is just great sex. It is great because you are having sex with someone that you don't pick up his underwear and see him in the morning when he looks like hell the way that you do with your husband. That is what make affairs and affair sex so great, IT IS NOT REAL.... Let that sink in.

 

The only want to get over the OM/MM is to go completely no contact in everyway. No calls, no texts, no emails, never meet up with him for any reason. Then you have to deal with the pain and anguish in your heart because he is no longer in your life. It is like grieving a death, the same process.

 

When your husband finds out, and he will, then you will have even more pain and anguish because of what you have done to him. Once/if you actually start to feel remorse and not just regret, then the pain of what you have done will really start to sink in.

 

So basically, your life is going to suck for quite a while, frankly.

 

What I am trying to say is, think about what you want. Do you want to be with a husband that you are not attracted to, that you don't have sex with? Do you want to live that life? Do you think you can get it back, the desire, the sexual attachment, the real deep love for your husband? Can you have a real happy and sexually gratifying marriage with your husband?

 

If you cannot do that, then it is time to get a divorce. Maybe the MM will join you and see if it can work and maybe he won't. But at least you could find someone that excites you and maybe you can have a great relationship with them.

 

You want to end this affair, I get that. You know affairs are like crack cocaine or heroin. There is a withdrawal period and it varies from person to person. One thing that can help is to put the energy that you put into your MM, put that energy into loving your husband.

 

But really you have to thing about what you want out of your life.

 

Does any of this help more directly with your situation and your dilemma?

[Chica80]

Jersey born raised - Yes, we met in high school - I was 14, he was 16, married at 25. I'll be 38 next month if that clarifies anything. Our kids are 20 and 18. We did have a year long separation when I was 21 due to his cheating. We got back together and it continued sporadically (well, he was caught sporadically - it could have been regularly for all I know). I agree the marriage never healed - he has always been the type to just expect me to get over it without conversation or any real regret on his end. And as time passes, pain lessens and you think you are over it. Financial resentment was a big part of our issues as well - in the past 2 years, he has greatly improved his contributions towards that as well. I'm considering therapy - not sure if it should be for just me or for both of us. I tried it once years ago and didn't find it helpful.

 

 

Hi OP....may take.....seperate, you can wait on divorce but seperate.

The reason you can't let go of your AP. Is because he was supposed to "heal" the damage from your husband. The betrayal and hurt from your husband was never addressed or healed. Is that correct?

 

You had an A and somehow if you two ended up together it would subconsciously fix the other pain. But it can't because healing comes from within.

 

Get into IC like yesterday, and start to work on yourself.

 

Also you have been with his man since you were 14? You've never had an adult relationship.

 

Good luck, welcome to LS

 

 

Also PS just because someone gives you advice or their POV, doesn't mean it's the right advice or right POV.

[Jersey born raised]

Nice insight sunshinechica

[Chica80]

Nice insight sunshinechica

 

Thank you

[sandylee1]

If your husband has cheated multiple times and the love has gone, that's okay. I don't think you were strong on your desire to divorce, otherwise you could have got him out of the house if you really wanted to.

 

I find it terribly sad when a man or woman gets married with no intention to be faithful. It makes a total mockery of marriage, so I have to disagree with Blues that MM loves his wife.

 

You don't marry someone, while actively cheating and claim to love them. If so, then it's clear his definition of love is worth sweet F**K all (as we say in England)

 

Onto your affair .... The longer it goes on, the greater the chance of getting caught is. You can sit down and wait till that day comes... Then your MM will ditch you and you'll be more involved emotionally by then, or you can try and work on your marriage or end it.

 

I don't have the greatest of sympathy for the spouse who cheated first in the marriage. I'm not sure why you didn't end it after he carried on cheating, especially as you're the breadwinner. I'd have turfed him out of the house that you own.

 

I would certainly question my husbands love if he kept on cheating and I'm sure it would make me want to be with someone else too. How could he say he loves you and continue doing it? What was his explanation?

 

Can I ask why your friend would introduce you to a guy, knowing you're married? Or was it just meant to be as a friend?

 

At the end of the day, think about what you want in life. Your young enough to divorce and move on and start afresh. You have no sexual desire for your husband, so what's left?

 

He'll just cheat again and because you aren't into him. I don't see your marriage being a satisfying one, unless you both really commit.