This affair is taking over my life and I can't take it anymore

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

It sounds like perhaps you have in some way justified your cheating because he did. That is not a justification.

 

I'm curious. Why would a friend of yours who knew you were married introduce you to a man?

 

This will only end in broken-heartedness. Maybe just you, maybe 4 of you including your children.

[freengreen]

I am an introvert. Very few good friends thru my life. My H is an extrovert, loads of friends: old new men women. He has this caring personality that depressed women especially get hooked to him... I have seen him figuratively running from them because they want to talk to him all the time.

 

All through 10 yrs of married life , this never bothered me ( or so I thought).We accepted ourselves as we are. Then comes a big hunch in 2015. I missed my friends ( none of them live in the same country as me). I thought ' let me try being an extrovert'

 

2 yrs from 2015... I shot myself in the foot. Thankfully its only me hurt and not my children. I understand what you feel and how you are trying. But honey, two wrongs wont make a right. If you are not happy with a book, close it and open the one you like.

 

What makes YOU is how you deal despite of how others dealt.

Take care.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm a bs. My wh worked with his married ow. They were in constant contact, months of texting, calls, face to face, it was like desperation to stay in contact and get the feedback. She was his only direct report, they thought of themselves as a power couple (this is beyond laughable btw, total bubble, the affair was obvious to the employees). At the time, he said she totally got him, etc. When I asked what it was about her that took him away from his family (I expected him to say he was falling for her, confused about leaving me, etc, who risks so much if there's no love?) his response was "she agreed with everything I said, believed everything I said, and would have sex with me. She could have been anyone." Why not scream your new relationship to everyone? Butterflies are so fun! "No way. She was embarrassing. She was 48, married with 4 kids and going to hotels with me. It wasn't sexy at all. I could never have a relationship with her, and I didn't want anyone to know because I was ashamed."

 

When it ended (exploded 2 families and one company), he was happy it was over. There was no heart pull, back and forth, he never spoke to her again. But man, she called and it was awful for me and the kids. It was a transaction. He made her feel special by answering every contact, having something with the big boss, and he got sex on speed dial (and yes we were having sex, but frankly he was so cruel during the affair that it was awful). I did double duty parenting and covering his constant absences and very confused kids. And the lying. Oof.

 

In all, it was a cliche affair. Save yourself. Get tested for stds. That was a fun thing for me. You're worth more than this. As for the ow in my marriage, her husband and 4 kids deserved a lot more too. She lost her job and was the bread winner, then all the lost clients came back because she had a bad rep. My wh was a punch line and laughing stock in a very chatty and small industry. The costs were immense, emotionally and financially. Almost 4 years later we are still paying.

[gettingstronger]

If I look just at the affair relationship, I feel like it just does not work for you-

It disrupts your life, it does not give you want you want- you are chasing a relationship that is never going to be what you want it to be-

 

IC for you to unravel your issues inside yourself and your marriage, possibly leave your marriage, get healthy, find a fulfilling relationship-

None of this will happen if you remain hung up in a relationship that saps all of your time and energy-

 

End the relationship and then you can take the next step-

[Confused78]

Hi OP....may take.....seperate, you can wait on divorce but seperate.

The reason you can't let go of your AP. Is because he was supposed to "heal" the damage from your husband. The betrayal and hurt from your husband was never addressed or healed. Is that correct?

 

You had an A and somehow if you two ended up together it would subconsciously fix the other pain. But it can't because healing comes from within.

 

Get into IC like yesterday, and start to work on yourself.

 

Also you have been with his man since you were 14? You've never had an adult relationship.

 

Good luck, welcome to LS

 

 

Also PS just because someone gives you advice or their POV, doesn't mean it's the right advice or right POV.

 

 

I know I went into the affair for revenge. I was sick of hurting and crying and if he didn't care about me, why should I continue to care about him? He wouldn't leave when I told him I needed time apart...and I've always handled everything for him, finances, the running of his business, all the household details so I also felt/feel a sense of responsibility for him and didn't force the issue, especially since my attention was elsewhere at that point. So I think yes, I thought the affair would help "heal" my hurt and betrayal in some way. It was nice to be wanted since I felt like I never mattered in my marriage, no matter how much I did or how faithful I was. I'm not trying to justify any wrong I've done - these were just my thoughts and feelings at the time. But all it's done is shifted my focus from one problem relationship to another. I do plan on looking into IC (still learning acronyms here lol). Not sure about separation yet. I'd like to somehow end it with MOM and see if my husband and I can work on things I think. But the sentence I bolded above hit home. It's something I need to think about in relation to my marriage.

[Confused78]

If your husband has cheated multiple times and the love has gone, that's okay. I don't think you were strong on your desire to divorce, otherwise you could have got him out of the house if you really wanted to.

 

I find it terribly sad when a man or woman gets married with no intention to be faithful. It makes a total mockery of marriage, so I have to disagree with Blues that MM loves his wife.

 

You don't marry someone, while actively cheating and claim to love them. If so, then it's clear his definition of love is worth sweet F**K all (as we say in England)

 

Onto your affair .... The longer it goes on, the greater the chance of getting caught is. You can sit down and wait till that day comes... Then your MM will ditch you and you'll be more involved emotionally by then, or you can try and work on your marriage or end it.

 

I don't have the greatest of sympathy for the spouse who cheated first in the marriage. I'm not sure why you didn't end it after he carried on cheating, especially as you're the breadwinner. I'd have turfed him out of the house that you own.

 

I would certainly question my husbands love if he kept on cheating and I'm sure it would make me want to be with someone else too. How could he say he loves you and continue doing it? What was his explanation?

 

Can I ask why your friend would introduce you to a guy, knowing you're married? Or was it just meant to be as a friend?

 

At the end of the day, think about what you want in life. Your young enough to divorce and move on and start afresh. You have no sexual desire for your husband, so what's left?

 

He'll just cheat again and because you aren't into him. I don't see your marriage being a satisfying one, unless you both really commit.

 

 

I appreciate this post and all your comments. My husband never really gave me an explanation for his cheating. Until I caught him with the naked pictures and texts, every other time he was "caught" it was never that graphic and he would try to innocently explain it away. For example, he would come home hours late from work (multiple times a week), not answer his phone for those hours but I was always just "tripping", had an overactive imagination or I would get the silent treatment and he would stare off into space when I asked where he was. He's basically then tell me to get over it. If he had a million phone calls to a girl in his call log, he would say he was talking to her brother, not her. If a girl sent him pictures he would say she wanted him but he didn't want her. It was always something. I have no idea why I stayed through everything - I just wanted my kids to grow up in a 2 parent home I think. And I was so young when I met him - he was my whole world for so many years. It's hard to erase that kind of history. The affair didn't make me not want to have sex with him - it was like that for years prior to the affair due to everything we went through. So my desire for him is gone but I still love/really care about him. More as a best friend than anything. And although he has been good to me these past couple years, I have no illusions that he wouldn't cheat again, although he promises he won't. But that makes it harder for me to let go of MOM. I think he's a distraction from feeling hurt by my husband. But now I'm feeling hurt by him. And my friend introduced me to MOM because of all the issues with my marriage. She was (still is) having an affair with MOM's friend. They are also both married.

[Confused78]

I am an introvert. Very few good friends thru my life. My H is an extrovert, loads of friends: old new men women. He has this caring personality that depressed women especially get hooked to him... I have seen him figuratively running from them because they want to talk to him all the time.

 

All through 10 yrs of married life , this never bothered me ( or so I thought).We accepted ourselves as we are. Then comes a big hunch in 2015. I missed my friends ( none of them live in the same country as me). I thought ' let me try being an extrovert'

 

2 yrs from 2015... I shot myself in the foot. Thankfully its only me hurt and not my children. I understand what you feel and how you are trying. But honey, two wrongs wont make a right. If you are not happy with a book, close it and open the one you like.

 

What makes YOU is how you deal despite of how others dealt.

Take care.

 

 

Sounds like my husband and I - I am very introverted and he's and extravert who everyone loves. I like your above advice, thank you

[Sampson]

I know I went into the affair for revenge. I was sick of hurting and crying and if he didn't care about me, why should I continue to care about him? He wouldn't leave when I told him I needed time apart...and I've always handled everything for him, finances, the running of his business, all the household details so I also felt/feel a sense of responsibility for him and didn't force the issue, especially since my attention was elsewhere at that point. So I think yes, I thought the affair would help "heal" my hurt and betrayal in some way. It was nice to be wanted since I felt like I never mattered in my marriage, no matter how much I did or how faithful I was. I'm not trying to justify any wrong I've done - these were just my thoughts and feelings at the time. But all it's done is shifted my focus from one problem relationship to another. I do plan on looking into IC (still learning acronyms here lol). Not sure about separation yet. I'd like to somehow end it with MOM and see if my husband and I can work on things I think. But the sentence I bolded above hit home. It's something I need to think about in relation to my marriage.

 

Okay so I am going to be delicate but straight to the point and short. You engaged in a revenge affair as said. You became what you despised and hurt you so deeply. You are not alone. This happens but only you can make the choices needed to fix the direction in YOUR LIFE.

 

This does not excuse your actions or those of your husbands. You both have serious issues as a couple and as individuals. Marriage counseling is probably dead end until both of you have become better and safer partners for one another. Individual counseling can push you in the right direction but it can't make you do the hard work that I think you know deep deep down needs to be done here.

 

Stop wasting anymore of your life and the "bubble relationship with oM" and on these lies and avoiding the harsh reality that your relationship with OM and your husband are broken and toxic.

 

The OM and the way he makes you feel is only a temporary distraction and injection of medicine from the problems plaguing you from having real relationships and real feelings and real attention from those you love.

 

You will only waste time and cause more damage and pain for yourself and others going down this road. Does this mean divorce? Maybe. Does this mean going NC with OM? Absolutely.

 

But what will cause a change in your life and a new start at happiness..... I think you know, the hard truth. Break down have that difficult discussion with your husband about everything, write it out if you have to, how you were hurt, how your marriage and relationship as you see it has been, and most importantly everything you have done including the revenge affair. Tell him how you feel about him, tell him what you want. But first you should figure that important part out obviously.

 

You deserve better, those you love deserve better, become better.

[Confused78]

If I look just at the affair relationship, I feel like it just does not work for you-

It disrupts your life, it does not give you want you want- you are chasing a relationship that is never going to be what you want it to be-

 

IC for you to unravel your issues inside yourself and your marriage, possibly leave your marriage, get healthy, find a fulfilling relationship-

None of this will happen if you remain hung up in a relationship that saps all of your time and energy-

 

End the relationship and then you can take the next step-

 

I do want to end the relationship with MOM - you're absolutely right that it doesn't work for me. I've tried twice to end it and keep going back. I know I just need to be strong but it's hard when he's always on my mind. I read a little about NC....I know that is the right next move but I'm scared to hurt more than I'm already hurting now. I read the things I write and I sound so selfish smh. But that's the reality....I'm tired of always feeling hurt. And being with him or without him is going to hurt me either way. I need to address the affair first, then my marriage.

[Sampson]

I do want to end the relationship with MOM - you're absolutely right that it doesn't work for me. I've tried twice to end it and keep going back. I know I just need to be strong but it's hard when he's always on my mind. I read a little about NC....I know that is the right next move but I'm scared to hurt more than I'm already hurting now. I read the things I write and I sound so selfish smh. But that's the reality....I'm tired of always feeling hurt. And being with him or without him is going to hurt me either way. I need to address the affair first, then my marriage.

 

This is a symptom of your inner self worth. You see that every time he or you break NC is a sign that your "worthy" or you weren't abandoned and the "relationship" was real!!!! But this is all an illusion because deep down you know it is lies, fantasy, and fog that is why the hurt and feeling terrible come because it is like treating cancer with tylenol. And when the NC is broken with meeting or more talking you switch from tylenol back to the heroin shots. And it feels so go to be wanted and on that high it makes those gloomy feelings float away.

 

And the reason he can't go NC is the same he is avoiding the hit to his self worth because he is broken inside also.

 

Addressing the affair will take you acknowledging that you have this issue inside and that the "feelings and attention" was that shot of tylenol for the cancer. You just have to be the one who says enough is enough I deserve to be happy and not have these up and down emotions every minute, hour, day, month. Stop the roller coaster and get off.

 

Have you read any Rene Brown books? The gift of imperfections is a good start.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Sampson

[BluesPower]

See, what you have to understand is that you are going to hurt either way.

 

If you stay in the affair, you are going to hurt because you know at some point that it will end. In the affair you feel guilt because you know it is wrong.

 

If you end the affair, it will hurt because it ended. The love affair is over, and you will have the hurt and grief from that.

 

So not matter what you do, you are going to hurt.

 

If your BH finds out there will be pain there as well. When/if you divorce there will be pain there as well.

 

That is kind of the overall theme, not just in affairs but in life in general. When you get to this point in life, affair, bad marriage, possible divorce...At some point you are going to feel a lot of pain.

 

Sorry to paint that picture, maybe you should try to figure out which is the overall least amount of pain along with be greatest amount of possible happiness?

 

I wish I could advise what it the best path to get there, unfortunately it is something that we all have to figure out for ourselves...

[sandylee1]

I appreciate this post and all your comments. My husband never really gave me an explanation for his cheating. Until I caught him with the naked pictures and texts, every other time he was "caught" it was never that graphic and he would try to innocently explain it away.

 

He gaslighted you for years, and so I'm really not surprised you wanted to be wanted.

 

The affair didn't make me not want to have sex with him - it was like that for years prior to the affair due to everything we went through.

 

So my desire for him is gone but I still love/really care about him.

Do you think that's sustainable?

 

More as a best friend than anything. And although he has been good to me these past couple years,

 

I suspect the damage is done and the trust has gone. I don't blame you.

 

And my friend introduced me to MOM because of all the issues with my marriage. She was (still is) having an affair with MOM's friend. They are also both married.

 

How is an affair the answer to your marital issues? Your friend

was looking for a partner in crime, so it makes her feel not so bad about her affair and you can compare notes.

 

Do you really think he's such a great guy?

 

There's no future in a relationship with a man who marries while cheating. That's fraud. Just terrible. I don't know if you have a daughter, but imagine how you'd feel if she got married and her husband was cheating before and during the marriage.

 

As you have no sexual desire for your husband, which I can totally understand, given his constant infidelity, how do you see your marriage continuing?

 

Is he to become celibate? He was cheating before you lost the desire to sleep with him, so I wouldn't expect any less now.

 

I think he took advantage of the fact that you stayed with him and probably realised you weren't going anywhere back then.

 

You may have a lot of history, but ask yourself if you really have a lot of future with him in a happy marriage.

 

Sometimes you loose all trust, confidence and respect when you've been treated badly. It's fine to admit that and take a path that won't eat away at you, with an available man and put an end to the sneaking around and decide what to do with your marriage.

 

There's always talk of two wrongs not making a right, but if someone cheats on you time and again, then I think they deserve it. Leaving first would be the better option, but after multiple affairs, he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on.

[aileD]

You're caught in an addiction. Step outside yourself for a second and see him not as a person, but as a drug.

 

You are obsessed, can't stop thinking of it. It's ruining your life and your job but you can't stay away. The crash after the high is very very bad but you can't stop thinking about the short high.

 

Treat it like an addiction. Do a step program. Get him out of your life, change friends, work, gym, whatever brings you near him. Block phone, text, Facebook. Make amends with your husband .

 

Get support.

[Jersey born raised]

And neither has your husband been in an adult relationships. Adultery is not adult relationships. It is children like children playing with a gun.

 

My college fiancé dumped me for a lot of good reasons. I suppose it came down to thinking actions meant something, words nothing. Combined with just being stubborn and being a 21 year old man who had trouble realizing there are ALWAYS two people in relationship. I had no idea of the pain losing her would cause me. My exWW hurt more in someways, but not in others.

 

I grew up from that 21 year old. I owned my issues. They never were a problem again. I became much more attuned to people around me. My point is your husband and you have no idea how badly this will hurt him. Maybe he will grow but at his age I dont know. Just be prepared.

 

As to you, limarence is has a grip of iron, it is based on the fantasy of your's project onto another. Spend time reasearching the subject,