SteelyPhil Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Hi everyone, My wife and I have been married for 5 years. For the past 4 years we have argued nearly everyday, many of which containing swearing and verbal insults. I thought we would always get over every argument. However, as time goes on and things haven't changed I feel more and more miserable and as if my life is passing me by (I'm 31, she's 32). My wife and I currently have no kids but the topic of having children is brought up on a weekly basis. I can't imagine having children with my wife due to how much we argue and feel that if we did I would then truly be screwed. Right now it seems like it's time to have kids as well we have been married for 5 years and is the next step. I know that isn't a right way to view the topic. I've been feeling this way for a long time. As more time goes on I realize we don't have a lot in common other then watching Netflix and going out to eat together. I just want more out of life and out of a spouse. Sex is pretty much gone and when we do have sex there isn't really any passion and we don't know what to say to each other afterwards. I've wanted to ask for a divorce for a while but I have a lot of guilt and fear to do so. I'm worried about family shame from her side and mine, I'm worried how upset she's going to get, what she will want financially me from me and losing our other married friends that we both hang out with together. We came close to getting a divorce last year and when I asked she called my mother, talked to her and then handed me the phone...I ended up backtracking and we tried to make it work. Any suggestions of advice for mustering up the courage to ask for a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 From what you described, it does sound like your marriage has been decaying. You should count yourself lucky that you guys don't have children. Without kids, things should be much more straightforward; and please don't bring kids into this mess. Why do you think you have to give up much financially in case of a divorce? Do you earn much more than your wife. Hi everyone, We came close to getting a divorce last year and when I asked she called my mother, talked to her and then handed me the phone...I ended up backtracking and we tried to make it work. Any suggestions of advice for mustering up the courage to ask for a divorce? It seems a little childish to bring your mother into this. Why does your wife want to be stuck in this lifeless marriage? Early 30s is still pretty young in the grand scheme of things. You both still have time to meet someone more compatible and have a family with. You have my best wishes! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 (edited) Thank you for your reply and advice. I think we could agree on a lot of things for a divorce. Heck, the thing I would feel worse about is her taking our dog which I know she would want. Yup, at this point I feel closer to the dog then my wife... My wife makes pretty decent money but my salary is almost double hers. I don't know if she could come after my 401k or assets such as a sports car I bought. The house is in both of our names but the mortgage is only in my name and I've paid every mortgage payment from my own account, not a joint account. We have only been married for 5 years so even if she did take me to court she may not get much due to having a shorter marriage and no kids. The last time we came close to getting a divorce she said she wanted nothing from me other then our dog but who knows what will happen once she talks to her family and friends. I know I can't stay out of fear. Right now I just feel like I want to be on my own, away from the arguing and start a new life. Edited February 2, 2017 by SteelyPhil Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Thank you for your reply and advice. The last time we came close to getting a divorce she said she wanted nothing from me other then our dog but who knows what will happen once she talks to her family and friends. Maybe she was using the dog as a way to stop you from divorcing her, knowing how much the dog means to you. I still don't understand why she would want to stay married, considering the state of your marriage and the fact that you don't have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Best you end it sooner rather than later if you have any concern for her at all. She wants kids and if she is in her early 30s then that choice will be gone for her much sooner than for you. She wont see it as a kindness, but you will know it is. It will not be easy, stick to your guns this time. With regards to the money a lawyer will explain what the deal is where you live, but generally I think 50/50 on the assets and a clean break in a short marriage with no kids seems fair unless one of you came into it with much more than the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 SteelyPhil, That isn't any way to spend all of the rest of your life! I don't know if she could come after my 401k or assets such as a sports car I bought. The house is in both of our names, <snip> For first steps, set up a confidential appointment with a divorce attorney -- at least get a good understanding about the legal/financial stuff, and allay doubts, fears and worries about that. (If you feel your situation warrants it, also consult with an accountant.) You will at least feel that you are doing something concrete to start to empower yourself. It may just be time to get steely, Phil . Hugs, and best of luck. Ronni Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteelyPhil Posted February 2, 2017 Author Share Posted February 2, 2017 Thanks for the great tips, I appreciate it. I wonder if my wife and I can avoid attorneys if we can both agree on how to split things. She has said in the past she wants nothing from me but who knows what would happen when the time comes to actually divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I wonder if my wife and I can avoid attorneys if we can both agree on how to split things. Yes, an uncontested divorce can be done without attorneys, in most jurisdictions -- at least in Canada and the US. (Or, with minimal input from them. We used a lawyer only to file the paperwork, because that was a hassle with which I didn't want to deal and was happy to pay someone else to do.) Still, though, getting proper, independent legal counsel -- each one of your separately -- is still the wisest and most prudent self-decision. However, your meeting with an attorney now has nothing to do with your actual divorce. It's for your own peace of mind, and to get your mind to start getting used to...the potential future changes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Thank you for your reply and advice. I think we could agree on a lot of things for a divorce. Heck, the thing I would feel worse about is her taking our dog which I know she would want. Yup, at this point I feel closer to the dog then my wife... My wife makes pretty decent money but my salary is almost double hers. I don't know if she could come after my 401k or assets such as a sports car I bought. The house is in both of our names but the mortgage is only in my name and I've paid every mortgage payment from my own account, not a joint account. We have only been married for 5 years so even if she did take me to court she may not get much due to having a shorter marriage and no kids. The last time we came close to getting a divorce she said she wanted nothing from me other then our dog but who knows what will happen once she talks to her family and friends. I know I can't stay out of fear. Right now I just feel like I want to be on my own, away from the arguing and start a new life. I was in a very similar marriage. Same age as when I divorced (year and a half ago). The guilt is very real. Even though my ex H treated me like garbage, I still felt so incredibly guilty for asking him to leave. It is very scary, and it takes a lot of strength, but I assure you when you do it, you will feel 10000x better. A year and 6 months later I am sooooo happy I left that marriage. NO regrets. You definitely need to consult a lawyer first and foremost. That will make sure you are protected and she can get a lawyer herself to protect herself. This will also avoid the petty fighting that can linger on for years over who gets what etc. Although you may agree now, things change once the reality hits. My ex and I agreed to split everything 50/50 and I let him take whatever he wanted from the house. He still made the entire process hell on earth but I would never regret the decision. I have never been happier. Talk to your friends and family. Tell your parents first so she can't use them against you. The more people who know the harder it is to back out of the decision. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 If a divorcing couple can agree on a division of assets, it makes the whole process much easier, cheaper, faster, and less painful. You would need minimal legal help....maybe just 2 hours to review all the final agreements. Nolo Press has useful books on this, and also check "family law self help" for your state. Link to post Share on other sites
NHappy Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Hi everyone, My wife and I have been married for 5 years. For the past 4 years we have argued nearly everyday, many of which containing swearing and verbal insults. I thought we would always get over every argument. However, as time goes on and things haven't changed I feel more and more miserable and as if my life is passing me by (I'm 31, she's 32). My wife and I currently have no kids but the topic of having children is brought up on a weekly basis. I can't imagine having children with my wife due to how much we argue and feel that if we did I would then truly be screwed. Right now it seems like it's time to have kids as well we have been married for 5 years and is the next step. I know that isn't a right way to view the topic. I've been feeling this way for a long time. As more time goes on I realize we don't have a lot in common other then watching Netflix and going out to eat together. I just want more out of life and out of a spouse. Sex is pretty much gone and when we do have sex there isn't really any passion and we don't know what to say to each other afterwards. I've wanted to ask for a divorce for a while but I have a lot of guilt and fear to do so. I'm worried about family shame from her side and mine, I'm worried how upset she's going to get, what she will want financially me from me and losing our other married friends that we both hang out with together. We came close to getting a divorce last year and when I asked she called my mother, talked to her and then handed me the phone...I ended up backtracking and we tried to make it work. Any suggestions of advice for mustering up the courage to ask for a divorce? Are you positive you want a divorce? I knew when my husband left for a couple days and realized I was a better parent and happier without him. I suggest space at this point just to make sure. It sounds like she has NO idea this is what you want. Bringing your mother into it is exactly what my husband would do to me , and I consider that very manipulative. I suggest you take a vacation for a couple of days and leave her a letter about how you feel. Be sure not to hurt her, but let her know you needed a couple of days to think and that you are not. But let her know the direction you are considering. Keep in mind it's really NOT fair to her to have her think everything is okay when it's not on your end. Link to post Share on other sites
LilyMila Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Mort Fertel said " There is no such thing as "the one", you have to strive to be "the one". You made a unilateral decision and watch your marriage crash and burn from the sideline. Of course, there is no fire and improvements because you have not taken any steps to make it happen. You are miserable yet you did nothing, and as time passes, misery become the norm and all you get is a vicious cycle of fights and contempt. How people can keep such important information from their spouse for so long is just astonishing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 We came close to getting a divorce last year and when I asked she called my mother, talked to her and then handed me the phone...I ended up backtracking and we tried to make it work. Letting Mom call the shots in your marriage isn't going to get you freedom or marital bliss. You know how you feel, those feelings should determine your course of action. Mom doesn't always know best... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 You can't be happy living your life trying to make other people happy. You two seem mismatched - from what you've explained. Just CALMLY sit her down and explain that it isn't working and you think ending the marriage is the best route. If she argues - do not argue back...simply tell her you've given it enough thought and this is YOUR decision that you plan to take action on (filing for divorce). No argument...no need to discuss it since you've made up your mind that this union doesn't make you happy. Life is too short to stay in any relationship that doesn't bring joy and happiness. And don't have any sex with her moving forward - she's likely to suddenly get pregnant to keep you. Link to post Share on other sites
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