Husband wants a divorce or separation, but I don't!

[divo]

Hello All! I am new here! As the title says my husband wants to leave me but I don't want our marriage to end. I am sad and down and don't even know what to do! We will live together until he'll move into his new place in march and I will also need to find a new place by then because I cant afford the current one.

 

We are nice to each other, still talk, sleep in the same bed, 2 weeks ago he wanted to have sex. None of us has an affair. And yes, I'm certain of that unless of course he is having one during his lunch break or something crazy. No affairs have never been an issue.

 

The reason why he wants out is the fighting, nagging and general desire to have his independence. By that he means emotional rather than going out and all that. He wants to not respond to anyone anymore. Sidenote: This could also be combined with an early midlife crisis, not sure.

 

I don't know what to do! I don't want to loose him! I am working on my issues with a therapist. My issues are anger, lack of emotional control, as in 'fliipping out over little things'.

 

Has anyone had success in stopping a divorce or separation? I read so much online, but not sure if any real people had success when their spouse was pretty sure!

 

THANK YOUUU!!!

[NHappy]

I have a husband who may see things from the same perspective as you. He doesn't want the divorce, but past issues with his temper and lack of any communication, romance, etc have driven me there. For us, it's probably irrecoverable because things he said and did in the past, but it doesn't sound like the same situation for you. I recommend taking him on a vacation or out of your normal environment and telling him what you mean to him. Show him you care or notice what he does when you makeyour plans. The couple of times my husband has ever done anything like this I had to suggest exactly it and everything that he planned he showed me that he blatantly does not know me at all or pay attention/listen to anything I say, so be careful. It could very well end up breaking you up more. If it still doesn't work, cut your losses. It's just not a match.

Edited February 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of starting post

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill online just because

[divo]

I have a husband who may see things from the same perspective as you. He doesn't want the divorce, but past issues with his temper and lack of any communication, romance, etc have driven me there. For us, it's probably irrecoverable because things he said and did in the past, but it doesn't sound like the same situation for you. I recommend taking him on a vacation or out of your normal environment and telling him what you mean to him. Show him you care or notice what he does when you makeyour plans. The couple of times my husband has ever done anything like this I had to suggest exactly it and everything that he planned he showed me that he blatantly does not know me at all or pay attention/listen to anything I say, so be careful. It could very well end up breaking you up more. If it still doesn't work, cut your losses. It's just not a match.

 

thanks! For him he says he wants space, so I am trying to give him space but not asking what he does/where he is etc. Not asking about the future and just 'letting him be'. I'm hoping that he'll find his way back on his own. Since we live together I am still being very nice and trying not to just be a sad cry woman

[LancasterAmos1966]

thanks! For him he says he wants space, so I am trying to give him space but not asking what he does/where he is etc. Not asking about the future and just 'letting him be'. I'm hoping that he'll find his way back on his own. Since we live together I am still being very nice and trying not to just be a sad cry woman

 

 

Sorry about your situation Divo. It's not easy to go through this, but if he does follow through, just know that you will make it without him.

 

You asked if anyone has had success in stopping a separation or divorce.

 

Instead of answering that question directly right now, I'd ask a question to you: Why would you want to stop it?

 

If he is bent on leaving or divorcing --- then the loving thing to do is to let him do whatever he wants.

 

And don't think that I'm suggesting that you file divorce. My wife walked out a few years ago, and I'm still married to her. Our marriage is dead, but I'm not going down that road to divorce her. I shed my tears, started to rebuild my life, and realized that my life is far better without her drama -- you know --- just like you said the "fighting, nagging and general desire to have his independence"

 

I'd suggest you set him free if that is what he wants.

 

My wife wanted space and independence too. So, I made my own bedroom and said we will live like roommates. She wanted out, so I was going to help set her free even though it was not what I wanted.

 

As I see it, true love sets someone free that wants to be set free.

 

Google a book on Amazon called Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships.

 

Maybe you can read some of the comments to get a feel for the book. If you can afford a used copy, I'd suggest buying one. It helped me to understand why someone would want out of a relationship.....and once I realized that some people just want out, it helped me move forward with my life instead of acting like I was a big loser or a big nothing without her.

 

Keep posting comments, and others will continue to chime in. Hoping the best for you during this tough time.

[PegNosePete]

Has anyone had success in stopping a divorce or separation?

Just think about what you're asking here...

 

You're asking if anyone has had success in forcing someone to stay in a marriage against their will.

 

No. That is not going to end well for either of you. If he is sure he wants out, then there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can make it difficult for him, by refusing to co-operate in the divorce process, refusing to sign or return paperwork, making deliberate mistakes, or even submitting your own divorce petition (ironically that's often one of the most effective stalling techniques). But all of those aren't going to make him change his mind, in fact they are just going to make him resent you, and therefore will have the opposite effect of what you want.

 

Sorry to say, if he's made up his mind then there is nothing you can do but accept it.

 

What you should do, is take legal advice. You mention not being able to afford to carry on living in your property. You should definitely see a lawyer before making any decisions on this. Many do a free initial consultation in which you can get a LOT of very good advice.

[divo]

Sorry about your situation Divo. It's not easy to go through this, but if he does follow through, just know that you will make it without him.

 

You asked if anyone has had success in stopping a separation or divorce.

 

Instead of answering that question directly right now, I'd ask a question to you: Why would you want to stop it?

 

If he is bent on leaving or divorcing --- then the loving thing to do is to let him do whatever he wants.

 

And don't think that I'm suggesting that you file divorce. My wife walked out a few years ago, and I'm still married to her. Our marriage is dead, but I'm not going down that road to divorce her. I shed my tears, started to rebuild my life, and realized that my life is far better without her drama -- you know --- just like you said the "fighting, nagging and general desire to have his independence"

 

I'd suggest you set him free if that is what he wants.

 

My wife wanted space and independence too. So, I made my own bedroom and said we will live like roommates. She wanted out, so I was going to help set her free even though it was not what I wanted.

 

As I see it, true love sets someone free that wants to be set free.

 

Google a book on Amazon called Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships.

 

Maybe you can read some of the comments to get a feel for the book. If you can afford a used copy, I'd suggest buying one. It helped me to understand why someone would want out of a relationship.....and once I realized that some people just want out, it helped me move forward with my life instead of acting like I was a big loser or a big nothing without her.

 

Keep posting comments, and others will continue to chime in. Hoping the best for you during this tough time.

 

thank you so more for your advice! I agree with you! I dont want to stop it in that sense, rather I'd like to do everything I can to inspire him to WANT to stay.

[divo]

Just think about what you're asking here...

 

You're asking if anyone has had success in forcing someone to stay in a marriage against their will.

 

No. That is not going to end well for either of you. If he is sure he wants out, then there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. You can make it difficult for him, by refusing to co-operate in the divorce process, refusing to sign or return paperwork, making deliberate mistakes, or even submitting your own divorce petition (ironically that's often one of the most effective stalling techniques). But all of those aren't going to make him change his mind, in fact they are just going to make him resent you, and therefore will have the opposite effect of what you want.

 

Sorry to say, if he's made up his mind then there is nothing you can do but accept it.

 

What you should do, is take legal advice. You mention not being able to afford to carry on living in your property. You should definitely see a lawyer before making any decisions on this. Many do a free initial consultation in which you can get a LOT of very good advice.

 

No, no. Sorry I wasn't clear NOT FORCING, and not against their will!

Doing things that will make them WANT to stay our of their heart!

[BluesPower]

divo, I have been reading this...

 

I know that the whole thing is scary and hurtful for you. I get that.

 

You are saying that there is no infidelity going on either for you or him. That may be true, it probably is, but you really need to check your phone bill and see if you see and unusual numbers or patterns or texts.

 

But let's say that you are correct about that part. So what is going on? Is your sex life, before he started pulling away, good/great. Was it frequent? Did you reject him often? What is all of that like before this?

 

Listen, as a man that is divorcing my wife of 26 years and 3 kids (grown) I can say that when I made up my mind, that was it, over done. I am sorry.

 

I don't know if this is where your husband is at or not, I hope not. At this point there is nothing, and I mean nothing that my wife can say or do that will convince me otherwise.

 

Maybe if you give him time he will change his mind, but while you are waiting, you may want to start preparing to move on with your life.

[amaysngrace]

Stop being so nice and start protecting your assets.

 

Divorce is imminent.

[OatsAndHall]

I'm going to play the Devil's Advocate and trust that he isn't having an affair. And, I am sorry if this comes across as hurtful, but I am doing so because I have been in what you have described as your husband's shoes.

 

I had considered leaving my ex-wife on many occasions because I was tired of her losing her temper and not being able to communicate rationally when issues arose. It was an issue throughout the entirety of our marriage and it was never resolved. I am no angel in this regard but I have worked hard over the years to control my temper and my sarcasm and to communicate as an adult. My ex-wife never did.

 

But, our fights gradually wore me down to the point where I was resentful, stressed out and unhappy. I stopped controlling myself and started losing my temper in the end and I wasn't going to do it anymore. The first night of our separation was the first night of peace I had felt in a very long time.

 

My suggestion is this: strongly focus on getting your emotions and temper under control. Prove to your husband that you have developed the ability to communicate in an appropriate manner. You may be able to salvage your marriage if you do so.

[divo]

I'm going to play the Devil's Advocate and trust that he isn't having an affair. And, I am sorry if this comes across as hurtful, but I am doing so because I have been in what you have described as your husband's shoes.

 

I had considered leaving my ex-wife on many occasions because I was tired of her losing her temper and not being able to communicate rationally when issues arose. It was an issue throughout the entirety of our marriage and it was never resolved. I am no angel in this regard but I have worked hard over the years to control my temper and my sarcasm and to communicate as an adult. My ex-wife never did.

 

But, our fights gradually wore me down to the point where I was resentful, stressed out and unhappy. I stopped controlling myself and started losing my temper in the end and I wasn't going to do it anymore. The first night of our separation was the first night of peace I had felt in a very long time.

 

My suggestion is this: strongly focus on getting your emotions and temper under control. Prove to your husband that you have developed the ability to communicate in an appropriate manner. You may be able to salvage your marriage if you do so.

 

thank you! I've started doing this. He even noticed the change but he said 'he's seen this before and I'll go back to my old self sooner or later". I don't want that to happen for everyone sake, including myself! I dont want to be like that anymore.

 

I hope this marriage can be saved!

[OatsAndHall]

thank you! I've started doing this. He even noticed the change but he said 'he's seen this before and I'll go back to my old self sooner or later". I don't want that to happen for everyone sake, including myself! I dont want to be like that anymore.

 

I hope this marriage can be saved!

 

You're welcome.

 

Just focus on doing it for yourself primarily.

 

My ex-wife still hasn't figured out how to keep her temper under control and it won't take long before her new boyfriend gets tired of it and bails.

 

She just makes herself miserable in the long run.

[divo]

You're welcome.

 

Just focus on doing it for yourself primarily.

 

My ex-wife still hasn't figured out how to keep her temper under control and it won't take long before her new boyfriend gets tired of it and bails.

 

She just makes herself miserable in the long run.

 

very true! those problems carry on and come back out sooner or later. I started seeing a therapist and getting help handling emotions better.

 

how are you doing with everything?

[OatsAndHall]

very true! those problems carry on and come back out sooner or later. I started seeing a therapist and getting help handling emotions better.

 

how are you doing with everything?

 

I'm okay. I still have my bad days. But, it's only when stress has me anxious or depressed and I start thinking about the "good ol' days". But, I have to take a step back and remember that the past is the past and that there were actually far more bad days than good ones.

[AlmostFamous]

No,I do not know of anyone stopping their divorce but I do know couples that divorced and then got back together. I think if you just let it happen and give it time. Perhaps he will come back to you and it works out. I say sign the papers,and the leave him alone and see if he comes looking for you again. Good luck.

[divo]

No,I do not know of anyone stopping their divorce but I do know couples that divorced and then got back together. I think if you just let it happen and give it time. Perhaps he will come back to you and it works out. I say sign the papers,and the leave him alone and see if he comes looking for you again. Good luck.

 

thanks! I don't think we'll sign the papers fast because of some legal situations but I am also not concerend about the papers or the legal terms. More about the emotional situation!