I'm Interested in Another Woman

[dazedandconfused2017]

This is my first post to this site and I'm hoping to get some advice.

 

Months ago I met a woman at my local gym...SHE introduced herself to me. She's attractive, extremely fit, and just as much of a gym junkie as I am. AND we're both married to other people.

 

We've become "friends" and very chatty over the months but have both maintained appropriate boundaries. Our relationship is completely confined within the walls of the gym. We don't text, social media, etc. She's fairly reserved and it took her a long time to open up so we don't overtly flirt.

 

I've grown to like her very much. I miss her when she misses a day at the gym and I look forward to seeing her. She's turned me into a complete wuss. It's also weird, because whenever she misses a gym day, she always explains to me why she missed or where she was the next time I see her.

 

I'm trying to understand this relationship we've developed. She mentions her husband fairly frequently which one would take as a sign that she's indicating unavailability...but she seems to seek me out nevertheless. She doesn't talk to many other people...at least not as much as me. For example, I'll always greet her with a hello and smile, but occasionally go on my way. If I don't initiate conversation within 5 minutes, she does. It never fails. So she obviously likes my company.

 

Now...I'm not interested in having an affair. And I'm not interested in being with the type of a woman would cheat on her husband...because she'd most likely cheat on me eventually (these are all the inner conversations I'm having with myself). But I've got a FULL BLOWN CRUSH on this woman.

 

So how do I handle this? Here are the things I can't do:

 

1. I can't change my workout time because it's the only time I can go with my work schedule...which means I can't avoid her.

 

2. I can't switch gyms because this is the most affordable option for me.

 

3. I can't stop working out because it's really important to me.

 

4. I CAN'T tell her how I feel, because we all know how that would turn out.

 

So what CAN I do? I know part of this is my ego wanting to know if she's as interested in me as I am in her. But, I'd really appreciate the advice, ESPECIALLY if you've been in a similar circumstance. How do I move past this crush, if not for my marriage, for my own sanity!

[Steen719]

OK, other people will tell you this, too.

 

Tell your wife. That will stop you short.

 

I'm not kidding.

[Hummingbird17]

You CAN do all those things. You are making excuses not to. What's more important you keeping your workout routine or your marriage?

 

You said it yourself, you don't want to stop this because your ego wants her to be interested in you.

 

Agree, bring your wife to the gym. Spend time with her.

[whichwayisup]

This is my first post to this site and I'm hoping to get some advice.

 

Months ago I met a woman at my local gym...SHE introduced herself to me. She's attractive, extremely fit, and just as much of a gym junkie as I am. AND we're both married to other people.

 

We've become "friends" and very chatty over the months but have both maintained appropriate boundaries. Our relationship is completely confined within the walls of the gym. We don't text, social media, etc. She's fairly reserved and it took her a long time to open up so we don't overtly flirt.

 

I've grown to like her very much. I miss her when she misses a day at the gym and I look forward to seeing her. She's turned me into a complete wuss. It's also weird, because whenever she misses a gym day, she always explains to me why she missed or where she was the next time I see her.

 

I'm trying to understand this relationship we've developed. She mentions her husband fairly frequently which one would take as a sign that she's indicating unavailability...but she seems to seek me out nevertheless. She doesn't talk to many other people...at least not as much as me. For example, I'll always greet her with a hello and smile, but occasionally go on my way. If I don't initiate conversation within 5 minutes, she does. It never fails. So she obviously likes my company.

 

Now...I'm not interested in having an affair. And I'm not interested in being with the type of a woman would cheat on her husband...because she'd most likely cheat on me eventually (these are all the inner conversations I'm having with myself). But I've got a FULL BLOWN CRUSH on this woman.

 

So how do I handle this? Here are the things I can't do:

 

1. I can't change my workout time because it's the only time I can go with my work schedule...which means I can't avoid her.

 

2. I can't switch gyms because this is the most affordable option for me.

 

3. I can't stop working out because it's really important to me.

 

4. I CAN'T tell her how I feel, because we all know how that would turn out.

 

So what CAN I do? I know part of this is my ego wanting to know if she's as interested in me as I am in her. But, I'd really appreciate the advice, ESPECIALLY if you've been in a similar circumstance. How do I move past this crush, if not for my marriage, for my own sanity!

 

Quit the gym and make time for your wife. Remember why you fell in love with her and why you married her. This other married woman is just feeding your ego, this isn't about love at all, it's all about how she makes you feel giddy like a teen. This is damaging your marriage and what you feel towards your wife.

 

The choice is yours,keep your wife/marriage/kids intact or you lose it all for someone you barely know and a married someone you're crushing on.

 

Please don't justify or make excuses, you know this is wrong and the power she has over..Or the power you've LET her have over you. Just quit the gym, tell her you don't want to have an appropriate friendship with her and that you love your wife, say goodbye and ask her to respect your wishes not to contact you again. This is the only way you can focus on your wife and marriage and NOT have an affair.

[Darren Steez]

I see nothing here that indicates she either wants to sleep with you or have a relationship with you, nothing except she talks to you in the gym so she's cool from her side.

 

Now the reasons you gave for not cheating were all on her and nothing from you.

 

You're the one with a crush on her. You're the one not even mentioning your wife.

 

A woman talked to you, now you're crushing on her. Not really hard, talk to your wife about it, that will soon put an end to it. If your excuse is wife and me are disconnected, she won't care, then get a divorce, if your excuse is you don't want to hurt her then by all means be an adult with some modicum of self control and just work out and go home to your wife.

[Poppy47]

I go to the gym and chat with men. I have coffee with them sometimes.

 

We exchange workout ideas. I don't want to have a relationship with any one of them.

 

You can change it all if you want to. My feeling is that you don't want to and you are rationalizing it with yourself.

 

Where is your wife all this time??? Maybe she should come to the gym and meet your friend?

 

You are having a fantasy and it can get you into deep ****.

 

Change something

 

Poppy.

[jennifernyc84]

I agree,

 

Your excuses all suck. You should switch gyms or gym times. Not that hard. You're making excuses because you want to see her. End of story.

 

If you keep seeing her, either one of two things will happen...well maybe three.

 

• You keep seeing her, and that "full blown crush" turns into a full blown affair.

 

• You keep seeing her, make a move, she rejects, and you embarrass yourself and end up switching gyms/gym times anyway.

 

• You do nothing. Keep chatting and eventually your marriage will be so swept under the rug, it will might as well be an affair.

 

Look, getting attention from an attractive person is fun, I know. No one can blame you for feeling that. But if you're feeling like this is wrong, it probably is. Break it off. You're married. You can't be friends with a woman you have a full blown crush on.

 

Oh and one more thing. I don't think you should tell your wife. Nothing really to tell so far. BUT..... switch gyms and stop making excuses.

[Midwestmissy]

Maybe bring your wife to the gym with you? Crushes are fine and normal and you seem to be aware of your boundaries. Now make them even stronger. Throw your wife into the conversations you have with the other woman, and tell your wife all about her. No secrets is a good place to start. And do not discuss your marriage with her. A simple rule is imagine your wife is present for every interaction and behave accordingly. The other woman will move on.

 

I wish my husband was one of the men who had said no to his other woman, he was just the latest to say yes, and it was because he was an idiot, not because he was an irrestibile lover she had to have. She told him he was superman in exchange for sex. Remember, the guy who says yes isn't special, the guy who stands up for his marriage is. The married guy who says yes is someone who is weak and some cheaters can spot them like a con man can spot a mark. You alone are responsible for your actions. Stand up for your family and commitments and your wife won't be able to keep her hands off you. Cheating is gross, my husband regrets the huge cluster eff he caused. All for someone he wasn't in love with, and after 25 years together. You know what an affair will cost you.

[dazedandconfused2017]

Thank you for the comments and advice. The difference in tone from each response is interesting.

 

After 10+ years of marriage, this is the first time this has happened. And it's caught me off guard. One response made it sound as if I fell for this person simply because she spoke for me...not so.

 

My wife is at work when I go to the gym, so bringing her isn't an option, and because of some of her self-esteem issues, telling her would be a bad idea.

 

It's seems that many missed the part that said I have NO INTENTION of cheating. I'm just trying to figure out how to "cool the fire" without a major disruption to my routine.

[BuddyX]

It's simple, change gyms.

 

You can pay an extra $20 a month for a different gym or $20K to the divorce attorney.

 

You're playing with Fire here. It's funny how you say you don't want to cheat but you're day is ruined if you don't see her at the gym. Where is that same feeling for your wife?

[Starswillshine]

Thank you for the comments and advice. The difference in tone from each response is interesting.

 

After 10+ years of marriage, this is the first time this has happened. And it's caught me off guard. One response made it sound as if I fell for this person simply because she spoke for me...not so.

 

My wife is at work when I go to the gym, so bringing her isn't an option, and because of some of her self-esteem issues, telling her would be a bad idea.

 

It's seems that many missed the part that said I have NO INTENTION of cheating. I'm just trying to figure out how to "cool the fire" without a major disruption to my routine.

 

Since you don't want to change anything else. Basically, don't start up conversation with her. If she starts a convo, speak of your wife. Maybe of the plans you have for the weekend, etc. Avoid her.... be lifting heavy weights when you see her... be focused.

 

I don't understand how people have time to spend chatting at the gym. Do super sets and keep your self busy. Tell her you are on limited time and trying to get the most out of your workout.

 

If you are socializing, you are not getting the most oUT of your workout.

[Sampson]

It didn't catch you off guard at all, there were conscious choices being made. And thus minimizing and justifying. It would never happen, it is only at the gym, we don't talk outside workout, etc.

 

You mention your wife has self esteem issues. Why after 10+ years of marriage does she have self esteem issues, have you helped her with these as her husband, talked to her about them or just figured you would focus on what you wanted and what you felt like that day?

 

Let's be honest, you like the way she makes you feel and the attention you are receiving from her at the gym while your wife is at work. Your mind and heart are becoming wayward. Refocus on what is important and real in your life.

 

And yes this OW is enjoying the attention she is receiving and the "friendship" she feels. But lets be frank again, she is not dumb and knows you are married and any blurred line or gray area that has been crossed and not addressed is showing her boundary issues. It really is only a matter of time before these tests become an issue. Refocus on being that real person, real man, and real husband. Because just as you put it why would anyone want a person for a relationship who would cheat, so in essence it works both ways she has no respect for you as a man who is married and blurring those lines. And any "fog" or "bubble relationship" you will develop will be disposable and cause only destruction on both sides and to others (many others).

 

You like the attention. Flip that and turn to your wife, seek her attention, talk to her, real talks! Fix her self esteem, refocus on what is real and lasting in your life to help you break that fantasy, infatuation, feeling.

 

Last but not least any person male or female that detracts or pulls you away from what is important in your life (your family) is no friend. And deep down shows a selfish (what is in it for me and my ego) attitude that will only hurt you and others you love.

 

And no this is not a dig at you. Just trying to show you can't minimize what you have done but you can prevent or change your future. And change it for the better, become better, and as you focus on the real in your life those "ego kibbles and attention from others" will have no power over you or your feelings.

 

And yes I am a BS

 

Thank you for the comments and advice. The difference in tone from each response is interesting.

 

After 10+ years of marriage, this is the first time this has happened. And it's caught me off guard. One response made it sound as if I fell for this person simply because she spoke for me...not so.

 

My wife is at work when I go to the gym, so bringing her isn't an option, and because of some of her self-esteem issues, telling her would be a bad idea.

 

It's seems that many missed the part that said I have NO INTENTION of cheating. I'm just trying to figure out how to "cool the fire" without a major disruption to my routine.

Edited February 3, 2017 by Sampson

[central]

If you're not willing to make some of the changes suggested, you can still cool things down. You don't have to have long conversations - you really don't have to engage in much conversation at all. Don't volunteer or respond to non-fitness topics. Do not seek her out to talk. Move off to your next activity after answering any (appropriate) questions. Mention your wonderful wife (you have already been doing that, have you not?). And never - ever! - meet her outside of the gym, for any reason.

 

 

Basically, distance yourself and keep conversations short and professional. She should quickly get the hint that you aren't going to engage with her further. If she doesn't, then tell her that this level of intimacy is not acceptable to you.

[jennifernyc84]

Thank you for the comments and advice. The difference in tone from each response is interesting.

 

After 10+ years of marriage, this is the first time this has happened. And it's caught me off guard. One response made it sound as if I fell for this person simply because she spoke for me...not so.

 

My wife is at work when I go to the gym, so bringing her isn't an option, and because of some of her self-esteem issues, telling her would be a bad idea.

 

It's seems that many missed the part that said I have NO INTENTION of cheating. I'm just trying to figure out how to "cool the fire" without a major disruption to my routine.

 

Cool the fire without disrupting your routine? Just ignore her. Say hi and nothing else. You said she approaches you even after that but if you're acting a bit cold, I'm sure she will get the hint after a few times.

 

There. Problem solved.

[jennifernyc84]

It's simple, change gyms.

 

You can pay an extra $20 a month for a different gym or $20K to the divorce attorney.

 

You're playing with Fire here. It's funny how you say you don't want to cheat but you're day is ruined if you don't see her at the gym. Where is that same feeling for your wife?

 

:lmao:

 

I think the $20 extra sounds reasonable. Haha!

[freengreen]

If you keep going this way... your mentos truck will hit the cola truck.

 

Ps: It isnt funny.

[eye of the storm]

OP, Im glad you have no intention of cheating. But you are crushing on another woman. You mention the only reason you wouldn't want a woman that cheated was because she would cheat on you, not because you love your wife. You are already on the path to cheating. It is in your mind.

 

So here is my advice. Next time she comes over to chat, tell her you need to focus. Don't chat with her. No need to be rude just busy. You are there to work out not gossip. Get back to your workout. Stop the progression you ARE going down. Right now it is just light but eventually it will progress to a full EA and then you will hit PA.

 

The fact that she mentions her husband frequently (to me) says she is only chatting with you in a friendly manner. She is not looking to cheat. Maybe she felt comfortable with you and didn't see you as a threat to her or her marriage

 

But from what you are telling us, it seems like this is all on your side. Which infers that there is a part of you that is interested. Even if you don't want to cheat you want to "test the waters" so to speak. You need to figure out why. Because that is a super slippery slope.

 

You are spending a lot of time thinking, about obsessing about, what she says, who else she talks to, her missing workout... You may not be texting each other but, at least on your side, you are in the beginning stages of an EA.

 

If you truly want to be faithful to your wife. And the other woman continues to talk to you. Look her dead in the eye and say "look, you haven't done anything wrong but chatting with you this much is causing issues for my marriage. I hope you understand." Trust me that will end it. And if you truly want to be faithful, you will take ACTIONS to remain faithful in both mind and body.

 

Otherwise, you just want to make it seem like you didn't have a choice and it wasn't your fault. After all, how could you resist a woman talking to you?!

[JamesM]

Don't take this wrong, but enjoy the friendship, enjoy the gym, and start mentioning your WIFE!

 

This is simply a woman that is acting friendly. I get the crush thing. It happens now and then to me too...and probably to most married guys (and gals).

 

It probably happens to your wife too. And think about this, if you were fascinated with your wife, then other guys probably crush on her too. They are probably single.

 

So, imagine that this woman has a husband at home who is like you. He is blissfully taking care of the children while his wife works out to look good or him. Maybe he is at work while his wife is at the gym. When he comes home, she is waiting with a smile and a kiss. She tells him about her day and the nice people she met at the gym. "And there this one guy. Very friendly. Yes, he knows I am happily married. I tell him about my husband. That is enough isn't it?" Husband agrees.

 

When I go to the gym, then there is a very friendly and teasing female employee. I know her well after this many years. She is fifteen years younger, very fit, and tbh, very pretty. She always says my name as I leave, and when I come in, she has some interesting remark that starts a short conversation.

 

I enjoy it. BUT...she is married too. I know that her remarks are part of who she is and not because I am any more special than most of the other guys who work out there. Oh, we have some areas of commonality. I know some of her family. Still, I know that what makes her good at her job is that she enjoys people and her friendliness is what makes her even more good looking.

 

While it makes it more enjoyable to go to the gym, my rational self never lets my emotional self start thinking any different. But yes, my emotional self did wonder if maybe she was interested in me at first until I realized how she was friendly to everyone.

 

My guess is that this woman has the same kind of personality. She is able to make you think you are the most incredible person she has met, and everything she says makes you think you are who she has been waiting for.

 

Start thinking again about the fact that she mentions her husband. This is a common ploy by women. As you said, mentioning the husband is a way to tell men that "I am happily married." Whenever a woman mentions her husband, then you have been "friend zoned." I know my wife has even said how she does it. You should be doing the same.

 

And yes, she seeks you out because you feel safe. You are becoming a FRIEND. we all need them. She enjoys the admiration you have for her. We all like that too. She likes that your eyes light up when you see her. It makes her time at the gym just a little better.

 

Having had many crushes over the years (and believing that my wife probably has too), I can say that a few things make them "go away."

 

One, time and reality. In time, you will realize that she is not so much of a fantasy as you first thought.

 

Two, rationalize why it would never work out.

 

Three, begin mentioning your wife and things that you have done outside of the gym. Tell little stories that show your love for your wife. Even show her a picture of your family. You will be amazed at how your crush will disappear when you now know she knows you are married. Now flirting will seem more embarrassing as you will wonder what she thinks of you and what your wife would say.

 

Four, go check out her FB page and see how she has pictures of her husband and family. Notice her happiness. Realize that you are not really the kind of man she wants when you see her husband. Or (as I have had once) realize that you DO look like her husband, which is why you have become a good friend.

 

Five, telling yourself that "while my marriage is far from perfect, adding another woman in real life will never make it better."

 

Anyhow, ignoring her or going to another gym is not necessary IMO. Focusing on reality has always helped. Mentioning my wife has always helped even when I really didn't want to mention her.

[Sampson]

@eye of the storm said it!

 

Quick analogy. Think of yourself as 20 year old college student who has promised those he loves (parents, team mates on sports) he would not drink until 21 and do so responsibly after said birthday.

 

Now your going to have their 21st birthday soon if not tomorrow and its Friday you are at a party and there is all this booze around. Temptation, boundaries, are going to be tested and/or crossed. But why were you at this party in the first place? What mental gymnastics did you have to do to allow yourself to be in this spot.

 

And now comes the peer pressure on top of that.

 

Only this peer pressure is another woman you are "crushing" on and has offered to have sex at the nearby hotel after the workout with no strings attached.

[SoleMate]

It's seems that many missed the part that said I have NO INTENTION of cheating.

No, everyone saw that. It's actually one of the danger signs of impending cheating. Think about it....nobody says, "I'm going to Costco to pick up toilet paper and a 12-pack of croissants, and I have no intention of cheating!" The "NO INTENTION" remark only gets made when your mind is at war with itself and that is, again, a risk factor.

 

I agree with Buddy's financial analysis - $20/mo at a different gym or $20k+ for a divorce lawyer. Your choice.

[Sampson]

No, everyone saw that. It's actually one of the danger signs of impending cheating. Think about it....nobody says, "I'm going to Costco to pick up toilet paper and a 12-pack of croissants, and I have no intention of cheating!" The "NO INTENTION" remark only gets made when your mind is at war with itself and that is, again, a risk factor.

 

I agree with Buddy's financial analysis - $20/mo at a different gym or $20k+ for a divorce lawyer. Your choice.

 

We all saw it.

 

Man I hate Costco, I run in just for toilet paper and come out $300 lighter. At least I get samples with that.

 

HINT HINT ^^^^^ Not just a joke ^^^^^^

[JamesM]

It's seems that many missed the part that said I have NO INTENTION of cheating. I'm just trying to figure out how to "cool the fire" without a major disruption to my routine.

 

Like others have said, I saw that, and I truly believe that you believe this.

 

However, having been where you are, you are fighting with yourself. Your rational side says no, and you emotional side says, "but..."

 

The fact that you even started this thread says to me that there is a conflict raging inside of you.

 

You don't need to shut her down and say that her friendship is hurting your marriage. You simply need to mention your marriage and interject "my wife" in the conversations when she talks about her husband. Once you do, she will acknowledge the mention of your wife and may soon start asking how your wife is. She may ask about what she does and where she works, and the next thing you know, she knows someone who works with your wife or may even know your wife.

 

You will sigh a big sigh of relief realizing how difficult that could have been, and then you will enjoy your friendship with her without those butterfly feelings that pop up when you see her.

[Birdies]

It's seems that many missed the part that said I have NO INTENTION of cheating. I'm just trying to figure out how to "cool the fire" without a major disruption to my routine.

 

Lol. I guarantee that 95% of the married people here who had an affair ALSO had "no intention of cheating". I know I didn't.

 

Let me tell you how it went and perhaps you will see the similarities to your situation, and the potential in front of you if you don't drastically avoid it. Together / married for 10+ years too, nothing like this had ever happened too, developed a friendship that escalated into a crush too, saw the person regularly too (workplace), spent time together engaged in mutual interests too. All tiny little tiptoes over the line of what was previously acceptable. All along, I NEVER dreamed of cheating. Loved my husband, I'm a good person, etc.

 

Then you admit it to each other. Then you spend a little time together with this knowledge. Then you touch. Then you kiss. Then you fall into a full-blown affair, and then you fall in love, and then it's discovered and the world explodes. It's a slippery slope and you're well on your way down it.

 

Trust me, changing your gym and paying $20/month more is worth it. If you wanted to cool it on your own - by being brusque to her or whatever - then you wouldn't be here asking advice, you would have just done it already. I think change your routine entirely, or just stay one of those people who has "no intention" of cheating and see how it plays out....

Edited February 3, 2017 by Birdies

[aileD]

Thank you for the comments and advice. The difference in tone from each response is interesting.

 

After 10+ years of marriage, this is the first time this has happened. And it's caught me off guard. One response made it sound as if I fell for this person simply because she spoke for me...not so.

 

My wife is at work when I go to the gym, so bringing her isn't an option, and because of some of her self-esteem issues, telling her would be a bad idea.

 

It's seems that many missed the part that said I have NO INTENTION of cheating. I'm just trying to figure out how to "cool the fire" without a major disruption to my routine.

 

Stop talking to the gym woman. Don't be so nice. When she talks to you, give one word answers and move along or act busy. If she asks you what's up say you're married and her attention is making you uncomfortable

 

Stop indulging in your crush. If you're worried about hurting her feelings you're already in too far.

[aileD]

Oh...and paying an extra $20 a month for a new gym is far far cheaper than divorce