Need advice!!!! Should I give this relationship a 3RD try? YES or NO

[woodstok]

Long story short, me and this girl have a weird history and I dont even know if anyone else has been through this, but if so please help me out. Ok well we first started dating back in October 2003 and we were very good together and to each other and things were awesome, we met through one of my fraternity brothers and I immediatly felt something for her as she did for me, we took it slow and waited 2 months before we even slept together so we could get to know each other and it was great I mean I could not have asked for anything better, and she said she felt the same. Well so anyway we were together until June 2004 were we broke up b/c we were spending to much time together and blah blah, you know the usuall, we started acting snotty to each other and were not being like we were in the begining, add to the fact she was living with me at the time as well so we were suffocating each other. Well so we broke up and to my f**king surprise she started dating someone else immediatly which made me question her and yes I was very hurt and upset b/c this girl unlike any other has made me feel things I have never felt for anyone else before and trust me I been in longer relationships than this and I let go easily, even once being engaged to a girl for 3 years we lived together and I was fine when we were done, hurt sure, but I moved on and started dating and going out but I reamined single for 1 year befofre getting serious with this current gir.

 

Well back to this girl, I was so upset and blaming myself for things going down between us and I did not date, did not go out, I was very depressed and just shut myself in, I wanted her back so bad it was so hard to be without her and I kept asking myself, why i could not move on, why was I wanting her back so bad, why could I not let go like before. Well during this time we still talked and still acted the same, said we loved each other, called each other babe and went out, but she was seeing this new guy and at the end of the day I was still without her, so one day I just confronted her about this guy and told her if she can do that, then I guess I never meant anything to her and her deal for our break up was bullsh*t and I was never talking to her again. Well she lost it and said no dont do that, I do love you, you mean alot to me, i always think about you, I am sorry blah blah, wrote me a long letter about how sorry she was and how she felt she messed up the best thing she ever had and this new guy was not me and I could never be replaced, so we got back together after 2 mothns apart and I was so happy and things went very well again, we even got each other promise rings, we talked about marriage, kids, and how that time apart brought us closer and so things were good.

 

Well now we are in May 2005 and guess what? we start having problems about money and little stupid fights here and there and so what happens? We break up again and again I am so bummed out, hurt, deppressed and you would think by now I would really move on and let go, but guess what? I did none of that, because again I have feelings for her I cant describe, she is the woman I see myself marrying and spending the rest of my life with, we have been through alot but still we were good to each other and so the first monthe we did not speak at all. Then in June we started talking a little and still we talked to each other the same, Hi baby, I really miss you, I love you blah blah, and this came from her and me so I never was the only one saying those things and slowly we would talk here and there, well come July 15 and I get a phone call from her and she really needed someone to talk too and called me cause she was going through a very tuff time, so I came to her aid and we talked and this was also the first time I had seen her since May so about 2 months since we last saw each other, I calmed her down and helped her out, and she said she called me because she knew I would always be there for her no matter what i am someone she can count on and I made her feel better. I really dont know if she is dating but I assume that she is, but anyway since then we have talked each day, she generally calls me I dont really call her and we have even gone to dinner, she has come over to my house. Well last night I asked her what she wanted from me, what she saw for us because for a while we did not talk and she said she wanted to try to work things out and get back together. So I told her look do you want to be with me, she said yes, i asked do u really, honeslty, truly want to try this again, your not messing with me here and she said nope, I would never lie to you about my feelings for you I do want to be with you lets try again.

 

 

So my question is do I give this another chance for the 3rd time? Obviously there is something there between us that wont let either of us let go but I have never ever been through this nor have I ever heard of this, so what do you guys think? Any advice would be helpful thank you

[A Fly onThe Wall]

third time is a charm .......

 

If you both have not worked on the problems that led up to the break up then you just breakup a 4th time.

 

If you both have dealt with the issues and you seem to still get along .. give it a shot

 

Hope it works out

[woodstok]

Yes the first time we broke up we fixed our problems and did not spend 24/7 with each other and even as we have begun talking we have talked about chages we need to make so we dont fight over the same thing again. Its very strange like I said because if it were not meant to be we would have gone our seperate ways long ago but obviously we still have the same feelings and she even told me last night that the things we have gone through have made us stronger, closer and probably happened to teach us what we need to change. I guess I am a bit scared she is just talking and messing with me but I asked her and she said she would never lie to me about that and lead me on. Another thing too is we have opened up to each other more because of this and have actually found out more about each other that we never knew which is good, so I am just leary I guess because this has never happened to me and never heard of anyone else going through this. My heart says yes, do it, she is the one, if she was not than she would not be here and niether would you, but I guess one other problem is everyone else around me is telling me to not get back with her, even my mom said no, she did it twice she will do it again and I am dealing with all my friends and family telling me to not take her back......I know I have to do what my heart says and stupid as it sounds ever since I met her I felt my heart has always been hers.

[Skepik]

Isn't it strange how we all go through this kind of universal problems with relationship. No matter where you are or who you are, we all have these kinds of similar problems. My ex who cheated on me a year ago all of a sudden appears back in my life, asks for forgiveness, and professes that he realized that I am the one he can't imagine living without. What am I to believe? It just seems so complicated to come back and all the bad memories and pain will come back and haunt me. We broke up once before too. I really don't know what to do either. I have so much doubts that he has changed which he insisted that he has. Why do people just don't move on with their lives but keep coming back and complicate things. Do a lot of people deal with this issue? Is it a recurrent thing that your exes keep popping back into your lives wanting second/third chance?

[Sal Paradise]

I wouldn't. A second chance is one thing, a third is masochism.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you marry her, you will have a wife who will cheat on you. She may be the "one" for you, but its readily apparent that you are the "one" for her. All these 'chances' are working, because she can go out and do whatever she likes, and know that she can come back and you'll always be there. She knows you will take her back under any circumstance, and that you will believe anything she says. Will you do the same when she walks out on your marriage with someone else when you are having 'problems' and then subsequently wants back in when her affair(s) end?

 

What you have with her, is what you can expect for the rest of your time together. She has no motivation to change those things that allow her to just walk out on you and come back when she wants - because thus far, she has suffered no consequence for doing so. Instead of standing up to this, you lay down for it - and she knows this, and it works 100% for her. People who are in situations that work for them that well do not change them, if given no motivation to do so. She will not change, so you will either have to accept that she is going to continue treating you this way and adapt to that - or leave.

[blind_otter]

My mother always told me that if you break up with someone you shouldn't get back together with them. If you can be so enraged or upset that to disregard the sanctity of your relationship by breaking up, the issues that caused you to get so upset initially will still exist and they will fester. one thing I've learned is that you can't erase or take away the crap you say/do to each other when you have disagreements and break up -- it does permanent damage. The idea is to stop yourself from going that far BEFORE you do all that damage and have to make up so much to that other person.

 

I think if you continue in this see-saw, you will continue to have problems. That's JMO, but a third time would probably have the same end result, but with more heartache to deal with.

[woodstok]

AHHH I am just so confused, I told her this is a pattern and I can't deal with this but she swears this is not and she does want to work things out. She said she knows she f**ked up and she understands why I am so confused, I have never been through this ever and its totally new, I mean normally I would move on and be done with it, why am I so stuck on her? Why do we both still have the same feelings towards each other? Like I said does it not seem strange that we still act, talk and are the same with each other as when we were "together"? Please any further help would maybe help me sort this out, thanks.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by woodstok

AHHH I am just so confused, I told her this is a pattern and I can't deal with this but she swears this is not and she does want to work things out. She said she knows she f**ked up and she understands why I am so confused, I have never been through this ever and its totally new, I mean normally I would move on and be done with it, why am I so stuck on her? Why do we both still have the same feelings towards each other? Like I said does it not seem strange that we still act, talk and are the same with each other as when we were "together"? Please any further help would maybe help me sort this out, thanks.

 

When you form a strong bond with someone it doesn't disintegrate, just because you've broken up. I learned from my first marriage and you can really truely love someone with all your heart, but that doesn't mean your relationship will work out. It's a lot more complicated than that. So, for a long time after we split up, my exH and I still talked on the phone, still said "I love you" (even if I was in a relationship with someone else...I think I'll always care for him, in a deep way, but I can't live with him. We hurt each other too much, there is too much water under the bridge, we both f*cked up too much to fix it).

 

The thing you don't realize until the relationship is over, is that you can't take back things, once they've been said or done. You can learn to live with them, perhaps, but you can't ever "make it go away"....

 

My guess is that she feeds some kind of need in you, gratifies something inside you, so you cling to her.

 

The problem is that once you've established the behavioral patterns in your relationship, you're kind of stuck in them and in that habitual pattern, until BOTH can have insight into themselves and their interactions and BOTH alter the ways you behave together. This can take quite a while, and intensive couples therapy. You also have to have some essentially healthy basis of interaction not altered or tainted by insecurities, neediness, manipulation, or personal agendas.

 

IMO, once you've broken up with someone, not just once, but twice, there is a certain amount of lost respect. It shows a lack of respect for the relationship, and a lack of committment and endurance...not necessarily a character flaw, as I've only had the problem of breaking up more than once with one man, and that whole relationship was just SICK.

[Zaira]

She's coming back to you time and time again because you are her security blanket. If you think she's worth having your heart broken over one more time in the chance that it MAY work then do it. I don't think what anyone says here is going to change your mind OR how you feel. You really just have to go with your instinct on this one.