Son missing me when at ex's, complaining about being there

[jakrbbt]

Hello LS community, I'm back after some time (threw myself into parenting, job, adjusting after divorce)... and with a less grave situation to seek guidance about.

People here have been so helpful in the past.

 

My son is almost four. His dad and I separated when he was 1 and a half, divorced soon after. After a lot of effort/struggle, we've settled into a regular schedule: son is now wth me 4 days a week and his dad the other three.

 

(It used to vary, always with me taking at least 60% parenting time and usually more like 90%.)

 

We've been doing the current schedule for several months now.

 

For the last few weeks, my son has been repeatedly complaining about being at his dad's. He'll also adamantly decline face-timing his dad, bringing art projects home to daddy's house from day care, et C. He says he doesn't miss his dad (he volunteers this out of the blue). And he'll say things like "I don't love daddy." He said it once to my ex while face-timing with me: "I don't love you daddy, I want to be at mommy's house."

 

He says he has trouble sleeping there because he misses me.

 

I don't think there's any neglect or abuse going on. I also think ex and son have a loving bond. My son though says he misses me "a lot, A LOT, Mommy!" My instinct tells me that's the issue, rather than anything bad happening with his dad.

 

Son is also wanting even more games and playing with me than usual when we're together (in general I do a lot of playing together, storytelling, et cetera). I gather that often my ex just has son watch cartoons or eat dinner alone while ex frequently steps outside to smoke cigars-- not something I'm thrilled about, but not abusive. He also takes son on little fun outings and I'm sure he shows him love.

 

Possibly my son is just simply getting old enough now to develop more of his preferences? And maybe he has a preference for playtime with a parent rather than watching cartoons? I don't know. I certainly don't want to grill him on that.

 

He is complaining enough, and regularly enough, that I find myself wanting to do something for him about it.

 

Is this fairly common-- preschool-aged child missing one parent a lot while at the other's and complaining and reluctant to be with other parent? What's a wise way to deal with this?

 

I can offer to take my son extra overnights. I'd love to have him more and my ex typically is happy to have another night free.

 

But I don't want to introduce instability. I want to do what's best for my son.

 

Another variable here is that my ex is not very amenable and wont be on board for even having a conversation about this. We have to parallel-parent at best, which I think we're managing pretty well now. So any solution I have can't really involve collaboration with ex, unfortunately, but that's the way it is.

 

Do I just keep the visits as they are, for stability's sake, and this will pass? Or am I doing any good at all by taking my son one extra day per week since he misses me so much abd wants that so badly?

[mikeylo]

If your ex is not being amenable, there isn't much you can do that will be favorable to you and your son. A child at 4 needs a lot of stimulation and is not at a stage to communicate what exactly he wants or what is bothering him. All he would say is he loves mommy and hates daddy.

 

If you change too much schedule, the ex will get used to his freedom and push your son away even more so that you opt out of sending him to your ex. Some use this mind game. It's a delicate balance that you need to find out without your son feeling that neither mommy nor daddy wants him.

[aurelius99]

I'm not sure how much we can figure out your situation. There are too many variables. It's important to remember that children of divorce usually want to make both parents happy, so they will tell both parents the exact same thing. I've seen this first hand. Do you know if your child is enjoying their time at dad's? You can't actually trust what they tell you when they're with you. It could very well be that they are having good time at their dad's and you are completely unaware of it. And they just might not tell you because they (potentially) fear that you might disapprove. Are you the type of parent to do this? Do you consciously or unconsciously resent their father and try to compete with him?

 

Honestly, the fact that your child says this seems strange, especially because their father is not abusive. Children naturally want to see both parents. They might not enjoy the schedule going back and forth, but they want both parents. Are there other factors which your child ASSOCIATES with their dad that they don't like? Examples are: the house he lives in, the friends or new spouse he has, their lack of favorite toys at dad's house, etc. Children often cant separate their parents from what their parents provide or represent.

[jakrbbt]

I'm not sure how much we can figure out your situation. There are too many variables. It's important to remember that children of divorce usually want to make both parents happy, so they will tell both parents the exact same thing. I've seen this first hand. Do you know if your child is enjoying their time at dad's? You can't actually trust what they tell you when they're with you. It could very well be that they are having good time at their dad's and you are completely unaware of it. And they just might not tell you because they (potentially) fear that you might disapprove. Are you the type of parent to do this? Do you consciously or unconsciously resent their father and try to compete with him?

 

Honestly, the fact that your child says this seems strange, especially because their father is not abusive. Children naturally want to see both parents. They might not enjoy the schedule going back and forth, but they want both parents. Are there other factors which your child ASSOCIATES with their dad that they don't like? Examples are: the house he lives in, the friends or new spouse he has, their lack of favorite toys at dad's house, etc. Children often cant separate their parents from what their parents provide or represent.

.

 

Good point about possible associations. I didn't think of that.

 

I'll have to think of what he might be comparing/associating. I don't know what that wiuld be. But It would be best if he feels equally comfortable in both houses.

 

He makes the comments also in front of ex, but I also can't say that he's having a bad time there or actually sleeping poorly there.

 

It's so important to me that he feel secure and at home with each of us. I call it "your daddy-house" and "your mommy-house" rather than "home" versus "your daddy's house." I throw in little comments about how the two people who love him most are his mommy and his daddy. I say only positive things about his dad although I don't really bring him up very often.

 

However, I went through a long phase of probably trying too hard to sort of take care of my ex, so he wouldn't fail at caring for our son or accidentally forget about him or abandon him. As my lawyer (and pretty much some people on LS) said, I needed to stop wiping my ex's a** for him. My son was super young, and I tried to be suuuper careful and not let my lack of confidence in his dad show in the least-- because I was aware of it. (It also was pretty justifiable at the time.) and even then, I still only said positive things about his dad in to or around him. But children are so observant. Anyway, if there's anything I've done to contribute to this, I'd guess it was that.

Edited February 3, 2017 by jakrbbt

[Mr. Lucky]

Or am I doing any good at all by taking my son one extra day per week since he misses me so much abd wants that so badly?

 

He won't tell you he misses you on the other days?

 

Kids figure out the system pretty quickly, including which buttons to push. And while he may not have the exact same offsetting behavior at your ex's, there's most likely an equivalent.

 

So it always comes back to this - you do the best you can on your days and encourage his Dad to do the same. Hopefully, everyone realizes those spaces between problems and events are life going by. jakrbbt, I hope you're finding some time to enjoy and savor it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

He won't tell you he misses you on the other days?

 

Kids figure out the system pretty quickly, including which buttons to push. And while he may not have the exact same offsetting behavior at your ex's, there's most likely an equivalent.

 

So it always comes back to this - you do the best you can on your days and encourage his Dad to do the same. Hopefully, everyone realizes those spaces between problems and events are life going by. jakrbbt, I hope you're finding some time to enjoy and savor it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you for this! I didn't even think of that first point: child saying he misses mother for three days each week, will still say so for two days each week. Of course.

 

I guess overall he really is clearly a well-adjusted child. So the thing about pushing buttons and just navigating his households like kids do, makes sense.

 

Savoring life in the middle of it all-- reminds me of Dr Raj Raguhnathan's description of a "cozy mess" in his book I'm reading, "If Youre So Smart Why Aremt You Happy?" So this is a good reminder of how to apply that kind of wisdom.

[Raena]

This isn't atypical behavior of young children. He's going to miss you when he's not with you. That's just normal. I wouldn't feed into it by taking him an extra day and keeping him from his father. Someone mentioned that he'll do the same when he's at school and that's true. Handle it the same way you would if you were dropping your child off at school and he cried saying he misses you. Expect him to go regardless and don't hang around reinforcing it in any way.

 

Tell him it's ok to miss you, you miss him too, but he needs to have Daddy time too.

 

I think one of the hardest parts of coparenting is recognizing that your relationship and feelings toward your exhusband in no way reflect your son's relationship with his father. Kids are very intuitive and will pickup on your feelings even if you don't say anything. It's your nonverbal actions that do it.

 

My son is 10 now and his father and I have been split for over 3 years. I've repeatedly reinforced with him that my relationship with his father has nothing to do with his relationship with his father. I've made a point of repeating this over and over. I even directly told him that it is perfectly ok to love both of us. It took him awhile to get it but he understands it now. Your son isn't quite old enough for an in depth discussion on this topic right now, but now is when you can plant those seeds that let him know it's ok to love both of you. Let him know that it's ok to like going there.