Talking to another man :(

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi everyone, (skip the background part if too long)

 

BACKGROUND (SKIP IF TOO LONG):

Been seeing someone for a while now... we are exclusive... etc. We have had a few bumps along the road, but things have been relatively smooth especially of late.

 

However, intimacy has decreased between us as a result of me finding out that he was "checking out" random women on facebook, and was on a sex meetup site (though not exchanging messages with anyone, just using it for more real-life porn -- I saw his account without his knowledge so I know that for a fact).

 

I was fine with the intimacy being a bit less than before, and thought we could get it rekindled at some point down the line (though I was a bit worried admittedly about my inability to "feel it" anymore in terms of chemistry). I love this man in a deep way, and I can't imagine him out of my life, and now that I think back on my previous relationships, I don't think they have been on this level.. I don't think I've cared this much about anyone.

 

BRIEFLY:

I am dating someone that I deeply care for and we've had our share of problems.... but things are OK now... but I feel like I cheated on him (emotionally).

 

ISSUE/QUESTION:

The other day, while putting up an advert for my apartment that I am seeking to get rented out, someone took interest in my advert and started sending me messages on facebook inquiring about it. Ultimately, he was not interested but asked for advice on moving to my city and renting here. I told him I could add him on a certain huge but hidden group on FB where there are more adverts. But to do so, I have to add you on FB (can't add non-friends). He said yeah sure you can add me on FB to add me to the group, and if you find out you don't like me, you can just delete me again. A bit flirty/jokingly, but he wasn't coming on to me much. And I honestly just wanted to add him to the group.. but then things took another turn, as I added him and as he started to message me and I responded... we got to the point of asking each other what we did in life, and now, we are at favorite movies... So far, that's all there is to it.

 

All this snowballed so fast... I just feel out of control right now and that I can't take a step back. I also feel guilty, I feel that I am cheating on my BF. I can only imagine how I would've felt like if he were to do a similar thing (though he has female friends on FB, I don't think he does that ).

 

Anyway, I just need input from people who might have experienced this themselves, I guess I do need to do some introspection and ask myself why I went there and did what I did. But for those who went through the same thing, how did you cope with feelings of guilt? What did you think was the reason for doing what you did? And did you come clean to your partner and with what consequences? I am worried that he will be livid if I told him...

 

For the record, no I do not want to meet this guy in person, or pursue it any further online, he does not interest me at all. But it felt nice to feel the same emotions that I felt (giddiness about a new message, him asking about what I like, etc.) when I first met my BF.

Edited February 3, 2017 by NoMoreJerks

[S2B]

You are what you do.

 

Since you don't like what you've done - then change it.

 

Don't do it again.

[Space Ritual]

And I honestly just wanted to add him to the group.. but then things took another turn, as I added him and as he started to message me and I responded... we got to the point of asking each other what we did in life, and now, we are at favorite movies... So far, that's all there is to it.

.

 

Generally where I come from that is called small talk. However,since I do admit that people have different personal definitions of what they consider crossing a boundary, and you feel you have, then the best thing you can do right now is to cease any further contact with this guy. Again, everyone is different, so while I see what you discussed fairly innocuous, others may not feel the same. But most importantly to you, you yourself feel you have crossed a line. So that being said, if you feel like this is an unacceptable line, then simply cease doing it. It really is that easy.

[Tribble]

.

 

Generally where I come from that is called small talk. However,since I do admit that people have different personal definitions of what they consider crossing a boundary, and you feel you have, then the best thing you can do right now is to cease any further contact with this guy. Again, everyone is different, so while I see what you discussed fairly innocuous, others may not feel the same. But most importantly to you, you yourself feel you have crossed a line. So that being said, if you feel like this is an unacceptable line, then simply cease doing it. It really is that easy.

 

I agree. It doesn't sound like you've particularly done anything wrong. You are allowed to talk to other people. However, you feel guilty. You also feel excited when he messages - this is a sign to stop. No need to worry about it, just stop messaging this guy and start focusing on your relationship. You wouldn't feel excited about another guys messages if everything was hunky-dorey at home.

[smackie9]

Put yourself in your BF's shoes and think about how you would feel if this happened to him and he was chatting with some strange woman from an ad he placed. If you wouldn't like then you know you shouldn't be doing it.

 

BUT things like this has happened to just about anyone. They do start out innocently enough. Like the other poster said, know when to put the brakes on. You can mention about having a BF, and wish them luck. Depart from the conversation gracefully, but making sure you get your point across, this is a no go.

 

It's good that you feel that this is wrong, that means you have a conscience. Lesson learned

[BluesPower]

No, No, No...

 

Sorry guys. OP the reason that you feel guilty is that you were having an emotional affair. As mild as it was, and you know that is was wrong.

 

Now, what to do??? Have you deleted this friend? If not do so now. Did you guys talk on the phone at all. Is so, you need to block his number and any other way that you two communicated.

 

I am not sure that you need to tell your BF or not. If the guilt is just too strong then you may have to and let the chips fall where they may.

 

Why did you do it? You know most of the reasons already. He was messing around on a dating site and it hurt you. I hope you made him delete all of that. On his part that was completely out of line whether he was chatting or not.

 

You also liked the attention, and really who does not? But the real question is not why you did it, it is this: What is the "Real" current status of your relationship?

 

He was messing around where he should not have been, and you were doing the same. As far as the chemistry issue, I think that should make you both about even.

 

But why are you both going there. You guys are not kids so I am guessing that this is going to be a pretty serious relationship. So why are you both somewhat dissatisfied "IN" the relationship?

 

That is the real question that both of you need to have a talk about...

[joseb]

 

Why did you do it? You know most of the reasons already. He was messing around on a dating site and it hurt you. I hope you made him delete all of that. On his part that was completely out of line whether he was chatting or not.

 

You also liked the attention, and really who does not? But the real question is not why you did it, it is this: What is the "Real" current status of your relationship?

 

He was messing around where he should not have been, and you were doing the same. As far as the chemistry issue, I think that should make you both about even.

 

But why are you both going there. You guys are not kids so I am guessing that this is going to be a pretty serious relationship. So why are you both somewhat dissatisfied "IN" the relationship?

 

That is the real question that both of you need to have a talk about...

 

Yeah exactly - the incident itself, you can just put behind you. But the reason for it...I suspect you are not nearly as happy in this relationship as you might think you are.