He wants to do the right thing ending the affair

[Taxed]

Just woke up in the middle of the night as I do a lot these days - I can really feel the anxiety coming on and I am trying to ride it off. You are all very helpful and I know this is how it ends even if every fibre of me misses him so much and wants to reach out. Even though it is very painful it would be even more painful to get my "fix" and then what - just more pain. I have attachment issues and I have always been terrified of being abandoned. Right now I feel dreadful, like I might as well be dead and that there is nothing left for me in this life. I know with my rational mind that this is just a reaction and I need to ride it out. Do any of you ever feel this way and have you found any useful techniques on how to cope with these feelings when they occur?

[deadsoul]

Just woke up in the middle of the night as I do a lot these days - I can really feel the anxiety coming on and I am trying to ride it off. You are all very helpful and I know this is how it ends even if every fibre of me misses him so much and wants to reach out. Even though it is very painful it would be even more painful to get my "fix" and then what - just more pain. I have attachment issues and I have always been terrified of being abandoned. Right now I feel dreadful, like I might as well be dead and that there is nothing left for me in this life. I know with my rational mind that this is just a reaction and I need to ride it out. Do any of you ever feel this way and have you found any useful techniques on how to cope with these feelings when they occur?

 

Yes. I'm starting meditation. I hope it doesn't sound hokey. But all I do is focus on my breathing when I feel like I'm going out of my head. The other thing I do is exercise. And journal. And I am learning to tell myself if I just ride it out, it will pass and it doesn't last forever. But you're right... it's more painful to get your fix and get more pain. But my emotions try to take over my logic all the time and I am working hard to change my thinking.

[Taxed]

Yes. I'm starting meditation. I hope it doesn't sound hokey. But all I do is focus on my breathing when I feel like I'm going out of my head. The other thing I do is exercise. And journal. And I am learning to tell myself if I just ride it out, it will pass and it doesn't last forever. But you're right... it's more painful to get your fix and get more pain. But my emotions try to take over my logic all the time and I am working hard to change my thinking.

 

It does not sound hokey at all - on the contrary, you seem to be on the right path, deadsoul. I am doing mindfulness and just tried EFT, Emotional Freedom Tapping, which calmed me down right away.

[deadsoul]

It does not sound hokey at all - on the contrary, you seem to be on the right path, deadsoul. I am doing mindfulness and just tried EFT, Emotional Freedom Tapping, which calmed me down right away.

 

I'm not familiar with that so I'm going to google :)

 

Thanks for saying I seem to be on the right path. It feels pretty rocky right now.

[Taxed]

Just wanted to say, that I am angry - so, so angry. How do you cope with huge amounts of anger in a good and constructive way? Why do we have so many threads on The Other Man / Woman forum where women are longing for these *******s. Why? Think about it - so much energy is spent on grieving "relationships" with these bastards, when so many good people are out there. Sorry, just really needed to vent today. I probably hate that I let him dictate my mood even if we are not in the A anymore.

Edited February 15, 2017 by Taxed

[HeCantBreakMe]

Just wanted to say, that I am angry - so, so angry. How do you cope with huge amounts of anger in a good and constructive way? Why do we have so many threads on The Other Man / Woman forum where women are longing for these *******s. Why? Think about it - so much energy is spent on grieving "relationships" with these bastards, when so many good people are out there. Sorry, just really needed to vent today. I probably hate that I let him dictate my mood even if we are not in the A anymore.

 

For me the anger has always been the worst- a driving emotion that is almost uncontrollable. I can control the hurt, the missing, the etc. but when the anger came it felt like I was choking inside and it had to come out.

 

I have found that working out VERY intensely helps me. Writing it out can be helpful to some. I also try to find a good book and get lost in it for a time. I do find it important to feel the emotion but eventually it should pass.

 

Though with that said be careful of the anger because at least for me, it was the most destructive of all the emotions that come to pass. I wanted to lash out at anything and everyone - I really had to examine the reasons for my anger and then use the techniques i mentioned above before i could let it go.

[Taxed]

For me the anger has always been the worst- a driving emotion that is almost uncontrollable. I can control the hurt, the missing, the etc. but when the anger came it felt like I was choking inside and it had to come out.

 

I have found that working out VERY intensely helps me. Writing it out can be helpful to some. I also try to find a good book and get lost in it for a time. I do find it important to feel the emotion but eventually it should pass.

 

Though with that said be careful of the anger because at least for me, it was the most destructive of all the emotions that come to pass. I wanted to lash out at anything and everyone - I really had to examine the reasons for my anger and then use the techniques i mentioned above before i could let it go.

 

Yes, it feels so all consuming - not good at all, even if it does feel empowering. It is so intense, and I have to learn to control it somehow. A good workout sounds like the ideal outlet for this type of energy.

Edited February 15, 2017 by Taxed

[Taxed]

Hi everyone - I appreciate all the advice and feedback I got from you guys so far. I do not know if I seek advice, but I felt it was time to update my own thread as I am gaining perspective and evolving since the break up with MM. As some may know, I started in therapy in the beginning of March. It is tough as H. Initially, I thought we would talk a lot about the hows and whys of the A but mostly the therapy centers around my feelings about myself. Seems like I have been seeking approval and affection from everybody else but myself for most of my life. The therapy method used is called ISTDP - short for Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy.

 

You get in contact with your deepest emotions during the very intense therapy sessions and it has been a mindblowing experience for me. Looks like I have a lot to learn about myself and I wanted to ask if any of you guys have felt flashbacks after the A and how you dealt with them?

 

I was told that it is perfectly normal to deal with sorrow and sadness as a result of being in contact with the deepest memories of something very painful. For me it is the feeling of abandonment. Yesterday I went for a walk in the forest on a beautiful spring day and I was overwhelmed with feelings of intense sadness and longing for XMM. Maybe because some of the happiest and saddest moments with him happened during spring. Then the feeling passed, as the therapist said it would. However, it scares me not to be in control of these emotions. Maybe this is just a part of the journey and maybe I should post this in the Coping section of Loveshack, I do not know. But can anyone relate to sudden flashbacks and triggers related to the A after the break up and if so, for how long did you experience this?

Edited March 26, 2017 by Taxed

[Onlywhenitrains]

Intense feelings of longing and missing him come and go. As time goes by, it's less and less but, it still hits me few times a week. Even after 5+ months after the break up. It's just now longing for him is not as intense as it was before. It's more just loneliness, and need to love and be loved, have someone to talk to at the end of the day, share laughs, thoughts, etc. I guess enoghh time has passed, the fog is mostly gone, and I can see him and the A for what it truly was - the A, where two people made some very bad choices, living in lies and deceit with danger of hurting even more people around them. No, it wasn't once in the lifetime connection, soulmate stuff, born to be together crap, love of my life etc. Some feelings were real, but ultimately it was impossible.

 

I was angry for a quite some time, and found it very difficult, almost impossible to deal with. It was uncontrollable at times. I was angry at him, and even more at myself. It still comes, and I feel very helpless when I feel it but it doesn't last for days and weeks as before.

 

It gets better, and only time and hard work on yourself can heal it. But, it's hard...I know.

 

Don't give up!

[Taxed]

Hi guys, it has been a while and I feel like I need to come in for an AA check up

 

So, this is how it is: I still work with this guy - everyone who has read the thread beforehand knows the background story.

 

I had a PA for more than 5 years and what I know also now from therapy and reading on Loveshack: an EA since 2010. Madness.

 

I started to realise some months ago that I need to treat this like an addiction, because I have had relapses three or four times untill August but nothing since. I have stood my ground because I now KNOW, how I need to treat this.

 

Allright - everyone in this situation: you need to cut ties, you have no choice. This POS is still trying to chase me, covertly, and what is absolutely maddening: people like this will keep right at it untill you set some very firm boundaries. This is what Hell feels like. Yes, I am in therapy.

[jah526]

So, this is how it is: I still work with this guy - everyone who has read the thread beforehand knows the background story.

 

Curious about something. Do you have any contact at all with him since you work together? How do you handle this? I work in the same building as mine but not in the same office. Have had close to zero contact with him in almost six months. Not even hello. Go out of my way to avoid him. Someone who knows the situation told me recently I should try to be civil, and it brought up some guilt feelings for me, because NC feels kind of cruel to me. Just wondering how you've managed.

 

PS - I believe I can't have any contact with him because of the addictive nature of the relationship and his ability to manipulate me.

[Taxed]

Hi Jah - yes, I see him a lot at work which has been very messy this last year. I think it was MidnightBlue who once had a thread about this theme and how straining it can be?

 

He and his wife is selling their house and moving to another city as soon as possible, so I am crossing my fingers that things will be sorted out in the near future.

[OpenBook]

He and his wife is selling their house and moving to another city as soon as possible, so I am crossing my fingers that things will be sorted out in the near future.

 

Wow, talk about a stroke of (good) luck - for you! That was the only way I was able to stop thinking about my exMM and really truly move on... by getting the hell away from him - far far away from his orbit and into a different universe altogether. (Translation: I moved out-of-state and went to work for a different company.)

 

Once he's gone, prepare to experience an accelerated recovery. Enjoy!

[Poppy47]

Curious about something. Do you have any contact at all with him since you work together? How do you handle this? I work in the same building as mine but not in the same office. Have had close to zero contact with him in almost six months. Not even hello. Go out of my way to avoid him. Someone who knows the situation told me recently I should try to be civil, and it brought up some guilt feelings for me, because NC feels kind of cruel to me. Just wondering how you've managed.

 

PS - I believe I can't have any contact with him because of the addictive nature of the relationship and his ability to manipulate me.

 

I wonder if he is bothered by your NC? You MUST remember yourself first and foremost.

 

I don't see that anybody else should tell you what to do. You have to do what is best for you.

Poppy.

[Taxed]

I wonder if he is bothered by your NC? You MUST remember yourself first and foremost.

 

I don't see that anybody else should tell you what to do. You have to do what is best for you.

Poppy.

 

I agree with Poppy: it would have bothered me a lot a year ago, Jah. I would have been pained by guilt, as

he was very upset and I was still in the Affair Fog. And I cared more about his feelings than my own, which is all part of the crazyness. They make their own choice and we get to to the same and whatever it takes to keep sane and as healthy as possible.

 

I still have feelings for him and I can still se, why I fell for him. But I can also see some darker traits in him, that I did not notice while my head and heart were fogged with love hormones. And I am thankful that I am not his wife. So, how do I cope? One day at a time - some days I feel awful and strained. Other days are much better, even at work and yes, even with him around. I try to count my blessings and I journal - a LOT :-)

Edited December 13, 2017 by Taxed

[Poppy47]

He's crying? Jeez, what a looser. Say it aloud, a man is crying over a mistress. Talk about a lack of masculinity. Does his wife know what a wimp he is?.

 

Taxed,

Don't you know it is possible for a cheater to manufacture any emotion to fit an occasion?????

 

Of course he can weep when he wants to. He must have been very good at manipulating indeed to get it all past his wife for 6 years.

 

xMM in my case fooled his wife for 9 years with me. Before me, I can't say.

 

Trust and cheaters ..... oxymoronic and it took me a long time to learn too.

I have learned my lesson well and it was very hard.

 

Poppy.

[Taxed]

Taxed,

Don't you know it is possible for a cheater to manufacture any emotion to fit an occasion?????

 

Of course he can weep when he wants to. He must have been very good at manipulating indeed to get it all past his wife for 6 years.

 

xMM in my case fooled his wife for 9 years with me. Before me, I can't say.

 

Trust and cheaters ..... oxymoronic and it took me a long time to learn too.

I have learned my lesson well and it was very hard.

 

Poppy.

 

Very - I am sure it is his M.O. as I have seen it played out on many occasions at work after the A was over. He gets by on charm when he benefits, but I doubt that he is self aware. I am struggling not to become a cynic and distrust people in general after this life lesson.

[Poppy47]

Very - I am sure it is his M.O. as I have seen it played out on many occasions at work after the A was over. He gets by on charm when he benefits, but I doubt that he is self aware. I am struggling not to become a cynic and distrust people in general after this life lesson.

 

It won't hurt you to become a tiny bit cynical and less trusting. That's the lesson. At least you have learned something to protect yourself in the future.

 

We do change as we get older. Rainbows and unicorns become a memory of younger more innocent years.

 

That's Life!!!!!

[Taxed]

I would like to trust again - not him, but other people. I am afraid of becoming paranoid. I have isolated myself for the most of the last year as being with other people for a couple of days, even with good friends, has been very stressful. I spent the first two months in a fetal position, shaking from the shock. It may seem completely crazy after almost six years where I let him string me along. But I believed, as many probably do (oh, how easy it is to live in denial) that when he said he loved me, that he wanted to make things right and be with me.

 

I have learned, that words alone are not to be trusted no matter how nice, wonderful, promising and perfect they may seem. And I also do not trust anyone who seems to be too good to be true and over-the-top charming. This has become a serious Red Flag to me.

 

I never want to repeat this Hell ride again in my life, ever.

[ice3784]

I would like to trust again - not him, but other people. I am afraid of becoming paranoid. I have isolated myself for the most of the last year as being with other people for a couple of days, even with good friends, has been very stressful. I spent the first two months in a fetal position, shaking from the shock. It may seem completely crazy after almost six years where I let him string me along. But I believed, as many probably do (oh, how easy it is to live in denial) that when he said he loved me, that he wanted to make things right and be with me.

 

I have learned, that words alone are not to be trusted no matter how nice, wonderful, promising and perfect they may seem. And I also do not trust anyone who seems to be too good to be true and over-the-top charming. This has become a serious Red Flag to me.

 

I never want to repeat this Hell ride again in my life, ever.

Same as me, 4 years, i thought i was the one that he wanted. He separated from his wife and i somehow felt he was doing it right, and the excuse for the kids sake, he cant divorce her, is acceptable. Until i found out 2 years ago, when he was with me , he slept and has a relationship with someone else, a colleague that i know, with the lie that i am just his good friend. Again, this year, i found out somewhere before christmas, he just started an emotional affair, they havent slept yet, according to the girl i confronted with, but he told her that im just his EX that has been parted years ago. It breaks me. When i confronted him all his LIES, he suddenly just WALK off. no sorry, nothing. He said he has no feelings towards me anymore and dont want to continue the relationship. Just like that.

[Dreamwalker17]

Same as me, 4 years, i thought i was the one that he wanted. He separated from his wife and i somehow felt he was doing it right, and the excuse for the kids sake, he cant divorce her, is acceptable. Until i found out 2 years ago, when he was with me , he slept and has a relationship with someone else, a colleague that i know, with the lie that i am just his good friend. Again, this year, i found out somewhere before christmas, he just started an emotional affair, they havent slept yet, according to the girl i confronted with, but he told her that im just his EX that has been parted years ago. It breaks me. When i confronted him all his LIES, he suddenly just WALK off. no sorry, nothing. He said he has no feelings towards me anymore and dont want to continue the relationship. Just like that.

 

Ice, so is it finally over? I really hope so.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Jah - yes, I see him a lot at work which has been very messy this last year. I think it was MidnightBlue who once had a thread about this theme and how straining it can be?

 

He and his wife is selling their house and moving to another city as soon as possible, so I am crossing my fingers that things will be sorted out in the near future.

 

I saw my name!

 

Yes, I suffered the entire 2016 having to see xmm each week. His wife knew what had happened as did my husband but they agreed on the phone to let us both stay as long as we had no contact.

 

I would say it was the most torturous experience of my life, as I got to experience first hand how I had meant absolutely nothing to him and how he moved on within mere moments of it being over (because you see, they never actually were in the relationship with us like they so claimed). He could not understand why I did not just get over it, move on and be friendly in our common workspace. He would get annoyed at me as each week I'd change the rules - one week I'd act like he didn't exist, the next I'd be mean, the next I'd try friends.

 

I could not wrap my head around the fact that someone who had said they loved me could turn on me and treat me like this. Of course now, how stupid of me, why would I expect any better from a man like that. He treated me the same way he treated his wife. Like a fool.

 

I suppose it was my pride, maybe my complete lack of self worth. I don't think I was like that before, I was weak definitely. Gullible. After the affair though...I considered suicide on a regular basis.

 

In the end his ego got him as he kept bothering me and his wife found out and pulled him out. I'm happy to say that a year later, I am doing so much better. I feel mostly like my old self again, but it took an entire year, and I lose friends along the way, people who did not understand what I had been through in 2015...2016...2017...what a waste.

 

I can honestly say I did not think I would recover. I felt shamed, ruined and you cannot get better continually seeing the person making you feel this way. The only answer is to get away and forget the person exists.

 

But now its 2018 and I am better. I am stronger. I did lose something of myself but I'm better for it. I'd like to say forgive and forget but na.....the other day I saw a picture of him and his wife on FB and he looked 10 years older, like an old man, lost a lot of hair the last year, it was in tuffs on his head.

 

I just smiled. I'll always hate him.

Edited January 5, 2018 by MidnightBlue1980

[BourneWicked]

Random comment -

 

When these men have daughters, you feel bad for them (the daughters). You don't have to wish bad luck at the MM; it's enough to know that someday, their daughters will date someone just like them. Even if the A was a secret, children are so perceptive. They know what type of person you are, and they will seek out that same relationship, and then MM (assuming any soul at all) will be horrified and baffled that their daughter is dating the same cheating, lying, skulking person they are, when their daughter - with such a good role model as themself - would ever date someone who treats them like garbage. So that's penance they pay later, but unfortunately it's also visited on the children.

 

I say this because I sought out in the A, without realizing it, my own cheating father with his wandering eyes, despite how little of a part of my life he was.

 

 

I can honestly say I did not think I would recover. I felt shamed, ruined and you cannot get better continually seeing the person making you feel this way. The only answer is to get away and forget the person exists.

 

But now its 2018 and I am better. I am stronger. I did lose something of myself but I'm better for it.

 

Agree with your comment about losing a bit of yourself. I realized at a point in this that I'd lost some bit of innocence that I didn't even know I had. You think you're an adult, and you know everything, and then there's something that teaches you about the deep darkness of human nature that you only saw as shadows before.

Edited January 5, 2018 by BourneWicked

[jah526]

Random comment -

 

When these men have daughters, you feel bad for them (the daughters). You don't have to wish bad luck at the MM; it's enough to know that someday, their daughters will date someone just like them. Even if the A was a secret, children are so perceptive. They know what type of person you are, and they will seek out that same relationship, and then MM (assuming any soul at all) will be horrified and baffled that their daughter is dating the same cheating, lying, skulking person they are, when their daughter - with such a good role model as themself - would ever date someone who treats them like garbage. So that's penance they pay later, but unfortunately it's also visited on the children.

 

I say this because I sought out in the A, without realizing it, my own cheating father with his wandering eyes, despite how little of a part of my life he was.

 

Oh God, yes. MM has daughters, one of whom I spent an afternoon with. My father too cheated on my mom. It devastated her and she never forgave him although they remained married. But the bitterness and anger were part of our everyday lives. How I could do the same thing to some other woman, some other family... shameful is the only word that seems appropriate...

[Taxed]

Same as me, 4 years, i thought i was the one that he wanted. He separated from his wife and i somehow felt he was doing it right, and the excuse for the kids sake, he cant divorce her, is acceptable. Until i found out 2 years ago, when he was with me , he slept and has a relationship with someone else, a colleague that i know, with the lie that i am just his good friend. Again, this year, i found out somewhere before christmas, he just started an emotional affair, they havent slept yet, according to the girl i confronted with, but he told her that im just his EX that has been parted years ago. It breaks me. When i confronted him all his LIES, he suddenly just WALK off. no sorry, nothing. He said he has no feelings towards me anymore and dont want to continue the relationship. Just like that.

 

 

That is truly, truly awful. If he can walk away just like that from his wife and you, he can walk away from anyone.