BS, confused about my marriage

[wbk]

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old woman, married for 4 years. We have an almost 2,5 year old son.

 

So, d-day happened 7 months ago, I actualy hired a detective to check things out because I knew he will never tell me the truth. And how had it started, basically, one of my friends saw him at the cinema with some strange woman, she said they seemed like best friends. I thought that maybe he was there with some cousin or friend but I was wondering why he didn't tell me about it. I just asked him if he was in the cinema lately with someone but he declined.

 

I have started observing him and this pushed me to hire an investigator. I've noticed he was coming home later than usual, he was quite often on his phone, I've checked the billing and there was only one number he was constantly calling, sometimes several times a day but usually at the same time (between 10am-1pm and 4pm-6pm), he never called this number when he was at home so it made me think. All these things I have never noticed before, crazy.

 

It took only 4 days for a private detective to collect a strong proof, because they were seeing each other every day. However, I really wanted to catch him in the action so they have called me when he went to her appartement, their face expression was just priceless... But, at the same time when I felt proud for discovering the truth, I also felt sad and disappointed, my life fell into pieces in just one second... I have to be honest, it was a very difficult experience. Obviously I was mad, I asked him to move out and leave me alone.

 

He moved back two months ago and we were working on our marriage. According to his words, they broke their contact and they didn't see each other..., honestly, hard to believe. It is not perfect between us, I don't want to let him to touch me, I still remember, I still have a picture of them in my mind, I still didn't forgive him, he hurt me so much... and I loved him truly and deeply, he was my biggest love, I trustede him with my whole heart. I still love him and I thought we can fix it, but I know he contacted her again. He says he just wanted to tell her a happy birthday, and I'm just like... what for!!! But anyway, I don't think I will ever be able to trudt him again...

 

I am really, really hurt and confused, what should I do, what should I do... Is it really worth it? We know each other for about 8 years, married for 4 (only)... Maybe it will be better if we finish it now than later. I don't think I will ever be able to make him fully happy and give him what he wants, sometimes just love isn't enough. Maybe I should change to simply save my marriage... but how long for? I have a lot of questions in my mind...

Edited February 3, 2017 by wbk

[BTDT2012]

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old woman, married for 4 years. We have an almost 2,5 year old son.

 

So, d-day happened 7 months ago, I actualy hired a detective to check things out because I knew he will never tell me the truth. And how had it started, basically, one of my friends saw him at the cinema with some strange woman, she said they seemed like best friends. I thought that maybe he was there with some cousin or friend but I was wondering why he didn't tell me about it. I just asked him if he was in the cinema lately with someone but he declined.

 

I have started observing him and this pushed me to hire an investigator. I've noticed he was coming home later than usual, he was quite often on his phone, I've checked the billing and there was only one number he was constantly calling, sometimes several times a day but usually at the same time (between 10am-1pm and 4pm-6pm), he never called this number when he was at home so it made me think. All these things I have never noticed before, crazy.

 

It took only 4 days for a private detective to collect a strong proof, because they were seeing each other every day. However, I really wanted to catch him in the action so they have called me when he went to her appartement, their face expression was just priceless... But, at the same time when I felt proud for discovering the truth, I also felt sad and disappointed, my life fell into pieces in just one second... I have to be honest, it was a very difficult experience. Obviously I was mad, I asked him to move out and leave me alone.

 

He moved back two months ago and we were working on our marriage. According to his words, they broke their contact and they didn't see each other..., honestly, hard to believe. It is not perfect between us, I don't want to let him to touch me, I still remember, I still have a picture of them in my mind, I still didn't forgive him, he hurt me so much... and I loved him truly and deeply, he was my biggest love, I trustede him with my whole heart. I still love him and I thought we can fix it, but I know he contacted her again. He says he just wanted to tell her a happy birthday, and I'm just like... what for!!! But anyway, I don't think I will ever be able to trudt him again...

 

I am really, really hurt and confused, what should I do, what should I do... Is it really worth it? We know each other for about 8 years, married for 4 (only)... Maybe it will be better if we finish it now than later. I don't think I will ever be able to make him fully happy and give him what he wants, sometimes just love isn't enough. Maybe I should change to simply save my marriage... but how long for? I have a lot of questions in my mind...

 

So sorry you find yourself here. No contact is a must for you to successfully reconcile. Was that made clear when he moved back in? How did you find out he contacted the AP? This is not your fault.

[JamesM]

Hi everyone.

But anyway, I don't think I will ever be able to trust him again...

 

 

One, you will never trust him like you did. In fact, you may never trust any many like you trusted him prior to this all.

 

Two, but if you can not reasonably trust hi to keep his word, then no, you will not be able to stay together.

[wbk]

So sorry you find yourself here. No contact is a must for you to successfully reconcile. Was that made clear when he moved back in? How did you find out he contacted the AP? This is not your fault.

 

Maybe I am crazy but I regularly check his billing, I've noticed a new number so I've checked on the Internet and that was her. I don't believe him he wanted just wish her a happy birthday because the conversation lasted almost 40 minutes.

 

The thing is, I don't know how long they know each other for, how long their affair lasted for, I don't know if he had strong feelings to her or not... There are so many questions I will probably never know the answers for.

 

Yes, I made it VERY clear that no contact is a must.

[wbk]

if you can not reasonably trust hi to keep his word, then no, you will not be able to stay together.

 

Apparently, I know that...

[JamesM]

And this is not about your inability to make him happy. This is about his ability to stay committed in a relationship that is normal and healthy.

 

This you must learn so that you can move on and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and what you can give.

 

This is not about you. It is about him.

[wbk]

And this is not about your inability to make him happy. This is about his ability to stay committed in a relationship that is normal and healthy.

 

This you must learn so that you can move on and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and what you can give.

 

This is not about you. It is about him.

 

So how come he still married me if he knew I won't be able to give him what he wants...

[RecentChange]

First, hugs – this stuff sucks! I know how your world is turned up side down right now. I have been on both sides of this coin. Cheated on, and I have been the cheater – and we (my husband and I) have been able to reconcile.

 

Many couples are able to reconcile, and for others, its not the right choice. So, what to do now.

 

I recommend counseling. Individual counseling for both of you, and couples counseling. I am sure you have a ton going through your head right now, and a third party might be able to help you sort through it.

 

I believe to successfully reconcile, some things need to be understood / addressed.

 

WHY the cheating happened – this isn’t so much about a blame game, and its not about what you did or didn’t do, but the core causes need to be identified so that they can be tackled. For both of us (mine and his) the cheating was about something within US. I cheated because of ME. Now, were there other issues in the relationship that needed addressed? YES! But, some careful introspection, honesty, vulnerability etc are needed if a relationship is going to weather this sort of storm.

 

The cheater needs to understand the damage they have caused, and what their role will be in repairing it. And the betrayed needs to be open to the cheater’s attempts at repair.

 

Counseling can really help this process. Especially when it comes down to the whys.

 

Now – I recommend that he read McDonalds “How to help your spouse heal”. Contacting her again – birthday or not was a huge f’ up. He needs to be proving that his loyalty is to you. But I will give him the benefit of doubt, that he was being an idiot, and not thinking straight.

 

He needs a road map for what to do now – and that is where the McDonald advice can be very helpful.

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_YOUR_SPOUSE_HEAL_FROM_YOUR_AFFAIR--ljm2.doc

 

 

You see…. Like I said, I was cheated on and I understood how much it hurt me – but yet, I still allowed myself to be the “idiot” and cheat years later. BUT – lucky for me, I had been reading on LS for quite awhile before I had my D Day. I had some insight to the mess I had caused. I had tools and a road map regarding what to do next.

 

If I had not had these tools, I don’t know if I would have had the wherewithal to come completely clean when confronted (I learned gaslighting is terrible), to accept all responsibilities for my actions, to not allow him to blame himself because I have freedom of choice, and made the wrong choices, to understand I was on some serious probation and would have a lot of work and proving to do, that triggers and setbacks would happen, and to remain humble and supportive.

 

If I didn’t know – what I knew come D Day, I don’t know that I could have reacted in a way that was worthy or reconciliation.

 

So my recommendation – see if he is willing to be humble, put in the hard work with the understanding that there is a long bumpy road ahead. If he is not willing to make repairing the relationship is absolute first priority in life, well then I think that the relationship doesn’t deserve a second chance.

[aileD]

Kick him out again.

 

You can't reconcile if he's still in contact with her. You just can't.

 

If you decide to try to work things out you can't do it on your own. You need a good MC to help you.

 

But nothing can be done if he doesn't stop seeing her

[wbk]

First, hugs – this stuff sucks! I know how your world is turned up side down right now. I have been on both sides of this coin. Cheated on, and I have been the cheater – and we (my husband and I) have been able to reconcile.

 

Many couples are able to reconcile, and for others, its not the right choice. So, what to do now.

 

I recommend counseling. Individual counseling for both of you, and couples counseling. I am sure you have a ton going through your head right now, and a third party might be able to help you sort through it.

 

I believe to successfully reconcile, some things need to be understood / addressed.

 

WHY the cheating happened – this isn’t so much about a blame game, and its not about what you did or didn’t do, but the core causes need to be identified so that they can be tackled. For both of us (mine and his) the cheating was about something within US. I cheated because of ME. Now, were there other issues in the relationship that needed addressed? YES! But, some careful introspection, honesty, vulnerability etc are needed if a relationship is going to weather this sort of storm.

 

The cheater needs to understand the damage they have caused, and what their role will be in repairing it. And the betrayed needs to be open to the cheater’s attempts at repair.

 

Counseling can really help this process. Especially when it comes down to the whys.

 

Now – I recommend that he read McDonalds “How to help your spouse heal”. Contacting her again – birthday or not was a huge f’ up. He needs to be proving that his loyalty is to you. But I will give him the benefit of doubt, that he was being an idiot, and not thinking straight.

 

He needs a road map for what to do now – and that is where the McDonald advice can be very helpful.

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_YOUR_SPOUSE_HEAL_FROM_YOUR_AFFAIR--ljm2.doc

 

 

You see…. Like I said, I was cheated on and I understood how much it hurt me – but yet, I still allowed myself to be the “idiot” and cheat years later. BUT – lucky for me, I had been reading on LS for quite awhile before I had my D Day. I had some insight to the mess I had caused. I had tools and a road map regarding what to do next.

 

If I had not had these tools, I don’t know if I would have had the wherewithal to come completely clean when confronted (I learned gaslighting is terrible), to accept all responsibilities for my actions, to not allow him to blame himself because I have freedom of choice, and made the wrong choices, to understand I was on some serious probation and would have a lot of work and proving to do, that triggers and setbacks would happen, and to remain humble and supportive.

 

If I didn’t know – what I knew come D Day, I don’t know that I could have reacted in a way that was worthy or reconciliation.

 

So my recommendation – see if he is willing to be humble, put in the hard work with the understanding that there is a long bumpy road ahead. If he is not willing to make repairing the relationship is absolute first priority in life, well then I think that the relationship doesn’t deserve a second chance.

 

The saddest thing is I don't really believe that our marriage will last long after this. I took him back only because of our son. If we didn't have him, I wouldn't bother really. I know he will try to contact her again (or someone else), I just know it, he doesn't like giving up on things he enjoys doing... I know it's only matter of time when he will try to look elsewhere again. If he cheated on that early stage of our marriage, will he really last, for example 50 years without it...? I don't think so. But I think that it is worth to try.... At least.

[BTDT2012]

Maybe I am crazy but I regularly check his billing, I've noticed a new number so I've checked on the Internet and that was her. I don't believe him he wanted just wish her a happy birthday because the conversation lasted almost 40 minutes.

 

The thing is, I don't know how long they know each other for, how long their affair lasted for, I don't know if he had strong feelings to her or not... There are so many questions I will probably never know the answers for.

 

Yes, I made it VERY clear that no contact is a must.

 

You are not crazy at all. Trust but verify. You can't reconcile without knowing as much as you feel is necessary. If you told him that no contact is a must, and he has contacted her, you will need to take action. Put him out again. It doesn't sound like he is at all repentant.

[RecentChange]

With your follow up post. It sure doesn't sound like it's worth a try. Faulse reconciliation is terrible, and this is a pain you will experience time and again.

 

A home with parents who are not getting along is not a healthy place to raise a child. There are effective ways to coparent without being married.

 

I am sorry, but do what is right for you and your son, not the easy thing (turning a blind eye to this).

[wbk]

Thank you all for good advices. I have a lot to think about.

[mightycpa]

In your post, not one word about WHY you'd want to remain married. Not one word.

 

Sorry, I missed it. Your son.

 

That's not really a reason. Your son will always have a father. Maybe two of them, if you get remarried.

[wbk]

In your post, not one word about WHY you'd want to remain married. Not one word.

 

Sorry, I missed it. Your son.

 

That's not really a reason. Your son will always have a father. Maybe two of them, if you get remarried.

 

Fair point. I love him and there are many reasons why I have married this man, I know I will probably miss him, BUT he put our marriage at risk of damage and I don't know if it is fixable. If he betrayed me before we got married, I wouldn't marry him for sure...

[BTDT2012]

The saddest thing is I don't really believe that our marriage will last long after this. I took him back only because of our son. If we didn't have him, I wouldn't bother really. I know he will try to contact her again (or someone else), I just know it, he doesn't like giving up on things he enjoys doing... I know it's only matter of time when he will try to look elsewhere again. If he cheated on that early stage of our marriage, will he really last, for example 50 years without it...? I don't think so. But I think that it is worth to try.... At least.

Reconciliation is very hard work. You need two people committed to doing the work. If you believe it ultimately won't work, it won't. The is no shame in deciding that infidelity is a dealbreaker, cutting your losses and moving on.

[oldshirt]

So how come he still married me if he knew I won't be able to give him what he wants...

 

No single woman can give him what he wants because he wants to have sex with multiple women.

[oldshirt]

I am really, really hurt and confused,...

 

There is no confusion here. There is nothing to be confused about. You know everything you need to know - it is just a bitter pill to swallow.

 

He is a dishonest, unfaithful, untrustworthy and a person of low character. That is chrystal clear, there is no confusion there. Stop using that word.

[oldshirt]

I don't think I will ever be able to make him fully happy and give him what he wants, sometimes just love isn't enough. Maybe I should change to simply save my marriage..

 

Ummmm, how on earth are you going to change in a manner that would 'save' your marriage?????

 

He is the one that is dishonest, unfaithful, untrustworthy and is lying to face and hooking up with other women.............please explain to me why you think YOU should change and please explain to me how you think you changing will save your marriage.

[oldshirt]

And then the final $1,000,000,000,000 question is - why should you try to remain married to person like this???????????

[BuddyX]

Seeing Him with another woman should've been enough for you to leave.

 

Him Going to her apt is the biggest FU to you and your son. From that point on, he can never say "I'm a great Father". Because instead of spending time with you and your son, he chose the mistress.

 

If it wasn't for the PI, he still would've continued with the A.

Edited February 4, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[flowergirl14]

So how come he still married me if he knew I won't be able to give him what he wants...

 

He wants both! You provide him with married, good guy, family man image. You are of use to him. The ow is of use to him. He really cares only about himself.

[Simple Logic]

You should have him move back out, file for divorce, and let him try to save your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

let him try to save your marriage.

 

To me, this is what is missing. According to your post, he hasn't:

 

- given you the details and facts you need to process the affair

- put any effort into addressing your concerns and need to feel safe in the marriage

- had to explain himself in counseling and accept responsibility for what he's done

- been transparent and accountable

- stopped contacting his AP

 

What he has done is move back in and expect you to move on. If it were that easy, this forum wouldn't exist.

 

I'd separate while you look for some clarity as to what you need to go forward. Right now, you risk putting yourself in a position where you're fighting these doubts for the rest of your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wbk]

To me, this is what is missing. According to your post, he hasn't:

 

- given you the details and facts you need to process the affair

- put any effort into addressing your concerns and need to feel safe in the marriage

- had to explain himself in counseling and accept responsibility for what he's done

- been transparent and accountable

- stopped contacting his AP

 

What he has done is move back in and expect you to move on. If it were that easy, this forum wouldn't exist.

 

I'd separate while you look for some clarity as to what you need to go forward. Right now, you risk putting yourself in a position where you're fighting these doubts for the rest of your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Exactly, he just want me to forgive him and forget without asking too many questions.

 

I told him today that I'd prefer him to move out and let me to process it without him. I also informed him that I won't be able to do it if he won't be honest with me.

He admitted that he has contacted his former mistress and they have been in touch for all the time. He tried, but he doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know who he should let go... Wow, I'm speechless. He also added that our marriage is dead and it has been before dday. This is kind of true because we fell apart, we didn't talk and didn't sleep with each other as often as before.

I'm very, very surprised with his honesty. He told me he and his mistress met almost 7 years ago... They met few times during our relationship, before our engagement even. Then they lost contact and reunited 4 years ago. I'm in TOTAL shock, I can't believe what I've heard. I will never be ready to forget about it. All of it was fiction. And he doesn't even put any effort to save our marriage... I think I will just let him go.