Feeling hurt by possible emotional cheating

[Iotome]

Well here I am again. I've been with my girlfriend for about 10 months now and for a little while I've had trouble with insecurities that I've kept to myself, one of them about her messaging an ex.

 

Now I've known about her messaging him since the beginning, and I was okay with it mostly because I thought it only happened occasionally to check up. Well this week I did something wrong and went through her phone, needless to say what I found has left me a little hurt.

 

I found out that she messages him on a daily basis, much more so than she talks to me when we're not together. In fact probably more time is spent talking to him than me in the entire day. She has much more in depth conversations with him about things she enjoys than she tries to have with me.

 

She's also manipulated the truth when talking to me about new things like movies and entertainment by telling me someone at work was talking about it when really it was him, "We should go see this, someone at work was talking about it" for example. I've also found out that she has stopped to see him at least once without my knowledge to give a Christmas present to.

 

And lastly there have been a few incidences where we would be thinking about buying something, then suddenly she starts talking about a bunch of concerns about getting the item. I've learned that those concerns were because he talked to her about it, but again she says someone at work was saying.

 

Sorry that this might be somewhat scrambled, I'm having a hard time concentrating. Anyways I'm not sure what to do at this point, maybe I'm just over reacting and this is nothing, but it doesn't feel like nothing. Anyways I'm up for any advice, I'm honestly leaning towards a break up at this point but it's hard thinking about it because I really do love her. Thanks.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Iotome

[Space Ritual]

Sorry this is happening to you.

 

I know this is not very conciliatory when I say this, but you are discovering something that so many people never experience, and that is Emotional Affairs in many ways can be just as damaging if not more damaging as physical affairs.

 

You need not feel bad for snooping. Your gut told you something was wrong, and alas your gut was right.

 

You did not invade her privacy, you invaded hr secrecy, based on what you found out.

 

Exes are very hard to compete with, as you are discovering. She is not being honest about her relationship, and she is lying just as much by OMISSION as she is by COMMISSION.

 

You sound like a really nice guy.

 

I was once too.a really nice guy. Now I'm no longer that guy as Nice Space Ritual went away many years ago and not so nice Space Ritual replaced him in an instant. He is fine being there.

 

Please do yourself a couple of favors.

 

1. Refuse to accept such treatment and simply dump her. No explanations...no asking questions, just delete her from your life this very night or you'll regret it.

 

2. Before you come back and start talking about "closure", which I imagine you feel like you need, just keep in mind that closure is best reserved for bad movies that run an hour and 40 minutes. In those films, closure is always assured because they are working from a script and they need to wrap it up before the credits roll otherwise they are dragging stuff to an uncertain production of a sequel to an already bad movie. Closure is fleeting at best, you rarely get the answers you seek and the answers you are bound to get will just piss you off even more than you are now.

 

She is attached at the hip to her ex, that is the closure. Nothing you can do about it other than just leave her to her destiny with her ex. It is a no win situation for you. 10 months of your life may seem like a lot now, but when you have more days behind you than ahead of you, you'll realize 10 months is a fart in a skillet, so there is no more need to waste any more time on her.

 

I mean it when I say just abandon someone like this without a word.Unless you have some heirloom that means too much to you, just consider the stuff you have at her place to be lost forever, and vice versa. Unless you want to pack her stuff and a garbage bag, put it on your porch and tell somebody else to pick it up for her.

 

 

I hate stories that end this way but more actually should end just like I advise you to end this, because she just is not going to understand what she has done and will surely twist it all around and manipulate it to where you are convinced it's all your fault.

 

You found out what you needed to, and that she is not to be trusted. So seriously block any way of her contacting you and drop off the face of the earth. It seems this is the only thing people these days understand is that the only way to get past things like this is to reach the point of complete and utter indifference. The opposite of love is not hate, it is truly indifference.

 

3. Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy pdf". and read it for free. It has changed many men's lives, and it certainly changed mine. You could benefit from it's contents greatly.

 

Again I am sorry you are dealing with this but I advise in this case that since this is not the first rodeo you have been to with her that you choose the Nuclear Option. There is no coming back from this situation at this point, so you might as well drop a Nagasaki on her.

 

 

Good Luck

[smackie9]

Sounds to me they are just being friends, especially if they are just talking about mundane things like buying a new TV or what movies to watch.

 

It would be more concerning if she was flirting, saying she still misses him and loves him, or how bad your relaitonship is, and talks about personal relationship issues.

 

BUT what it does point to is that she doesn't have a strong emotional connection with you, so she makes up for it by talking to him. The reality is you two don't have enough compatibility to reach a deep emotional connection. It doesn't mean she is still in love with him, it just means things are lacking in your relationship.

 

Your relationship is done and you shouldn't waste anymore of your time.

[Iotome]

Sounds to me they are just being friends, especially if they are just talking about mundane things like buying a new TV or what movies to watch.

 

It would be more concerning if she was flirting, saying she still misses him and loves him, or how bad your relaitonship is, and talks about personal relationship issues.

 

BUT what it does point to is that she doesn't have a strong emotional connection with you, so she makes up for it by talking to him. The reality is you two don't have enough compatibility to reach a deep emotional connection. It doesn't mean she is still in love with him, it just means things are lacking in your relationship.

 

Your relationship is done and you shouldn't waste anymore of your time.

 

You're right in that she hasn't been flirty or anything, which I do appreciate. But the lying about it has gotten to me. And the manipulation of pretty much everything new she talks to me about saying she heard it at work. That and seeing him without my knowledge. There was also a text from him saying he really misses her, I have a feeling it was a drunken one but she did handle it well.

[lolablue17]

If there were no flirting at all, than they could be friends, and the hiding + lying is because she was afraid you wouldn't allow it.

 

I, myself, find it hard to tolerate lies, but in that case you should talk to her about it. Tell her that you knows she lied to you and hid things and ask her to come clean (without telling her what you know and how).

 

If she admits everything, and really come clean, you can tell her that because of the hiding and lying, if she wants to be with you, she must cut him completely. But then again, I don't like my own advice because if she cut him completely out of an ultimatum, she will miss him, she will resent you for losing a friend... I don't know how can it be fixed...

[Space Ritual]

You're right in that she hasn't been flirty or anything, which I do appreciate. But the lying about it has gotten to me. And the manipulation of pretty much everything new she talks to me about saying she heard it at work. That and seeing him without my knowledge. There was also a text from him saying he really misses her, I have a feeling it was a drunken one but she did handle it well.

 

And did you have to find all of this out on your own?

 

Oh she handled it well...

 

Did she handle it well by telling you her ex was messaging her telling her how much he missed her, or is the "handle it well" something that was news to you until you discovered it?

 

Look, if you want to rugsweep all of this then that is totally your call. But just be advised by doing the rugsweeping, you are not addressing the problem, which is your GF being a liar.

 

you already seem intent on forgive and forget and acting like it never happened because you are making up excuses for her on your own. So in essence, you are teaching her that it's ok to totally walk all over you.

 

You've had it kid. This relationship is over and you are going to be the last one to figure it out.

 

With Valentine's Day coming up, I imagine you have until then to have the scales fall from your eyes. Because if you don't live up to every expectation she will have of you on VD, and I mean every single one, she will be leaving a wider crack open n the door with her ex playing on her feelings.

 

You are in for a world of hurt.

[Sweetfish]

Sounds to me they are just being friends, especially if they are just talking about mundane things like buying a new TV or what movies to watch.

 

It would be more concerning if she was flirting, saying she still misses him and loves him, or how bad your relaitonship is, and talks about personal relationship issues.

 

BUT what it does point to is that she doesn't have a strong emotional connection with you, so she makes up for it by talking to him. The reality is you two don't have enough compatibility to reach a deep emotional connection. It doesn't mean she is still in love with him, it just means things are lacking in your relationship.

 

Your relationship is done and you shouldn't waste anymore of your time.

 

 

Smackie you know this is a straight up emotional affair. There are plenty of other people she can have conversations with other than the ex. The BF now is simply a rebound and eventually she will go back to the EX.

[Ronni_W]

I found out that she messages him on a daily basis, much more so than she talks to me when we're not together. In fact probably more time is spent talking to him than me in the entire day. She has much more in depth conversations with him about things she enjoys than she tries to have with me.

Well...it's more like 'friendship cheating' than 'emotional cheating'.

 

Iotome, your dishonesty in not just being direct with her about what you know is exacerbating your own problem. Why are you afraid to have a real conversation with her, explain your position and concerns, and ask her what's going on, on her side?

 

You're already considering breaking up with her, so, if your conversation ends a break-up, you're no further behind, but you are further ahead -- in having taken assertive, self-asserting action, and, thus, having improved your skills and ability in this area.

[Try]

If there were no flirting at all, than they could be friends, and the hiding + lying is because she was afraid you wouldn't allow it.

She "was afraid" that the OP "wouldn't allow it" because she knows that staying in regular contact with an ex is a violation of one of the most common relationship boundaries there is. Her "hiding + lying" to maintain this contact is what cheaters do rather than respect relationship boundaries. She is allowing the ex to secretly stay in her life knowing full well that he has told her that he misses her, and knowing that he wants her back as more than just a friend. When you are in an exclusive relationship, only cheaters feel that you get to secretly keep a backup in reserve, and she clearly thinks like a cheater. Edited February 5, 2017 by Try

[BluesPower]

What do you mean seeing him without your knowledge?

 

When did that happen?

 

You really need to dump her, before VD and don't spend the money.

[Space Ritual]

But then again, I don't like my own advice...

 

Quoted for comedic value... I have to hand it to you. At least you admit you don't like it... I laughed at that line for a solid hour. If the rest of us were as brutally honest with ourselves as you were just then LS would be out of business. LOL

[Iotome]

I should have brought it up soon after I found out, not doing so makes us both liars which doesn't help the situation at all. I get that she might be scared I wouldn't be happy with the news, but by keeping it from me she has given me the impression that she values her friendship with him more than her honesty with me.

 

My plan is to ask her if there is anything she has been keeping from me. There are a few more incidents that were probably just insecurities I haven't brought up but if anything else has happened I don't want to let her know I only found out about one specific thing if more has been going on.

 

If she opens up on what I know about, maybe more then we will go from there.

If she still tries to hide it then we're done for sure. I will make it clear that if she really wants to try and continue in our relationship then she has to cut contact or I'm done.

[lolablue17]

I will make it clear that if she really wants to try and continue in our relationship then she has to cut contact or I'm done.

 

This is a catch you cannot resolve. Even if she promises to cut all contact with him 1. She will be resentful towards you, 2. She may keep her promise for a short time and then do a better hiding from you. Remember - She has proven to you that she has no problem lying an hiding from you. It's a bit rediculous to ask a liar to promise not to lie again.

 

You can ask her what does she think should happen now, regarding to her contact with him. She must voluntarily offer to cut him, not with an ultimatum. Ultimatums usually don't work.

[Iotome]

You can ask her what does she think should happen now, regarding to her contact with him. She must voluntarily offer to cut him, not with an ultimatum. Ultimatums usually don't work.

 

Hmmm, that is a much better way to go about it, makes perfect sense. I've read somewhere that resentment is one of the most powerful emotions there are. Thanks for the advice!

[Space Ritual]

I will make it clear that if she really wants to try and continue in our relationship then she has to cut contact or I'm done.

 

You are already done and have been for some time, it's just you are the last one to figure it out.

 

She knows you are too nice to back up any ultimatums you give. Plus she dose not really care, as her actions have already proved.

 

Stop being a Beta and just get rid of her.

 

All this "I know what you did" crap is going to make you look weak. she already thinks you look weak otherwise she wouldn't be going out of her way to get stay in contact with her ex.

[JS84]

Was wondering when someone was going to tell OP this relationship is pretty much done. You're only 10 months in, cut your losses and find a woman who isn't a liar with an orbiter ex-boyfriend. You can do better than that.