I never know when I will see my boyfriend next

[suckered]

We have been together for a few months. He has children that randomly call him up and want to spend time with him at random days and he is always happy to do that.

 

That leaves us unable to make plans except on the rare occasions where children are away traveling with the mom. Then he is constantly with me. I haven't met them yet and he is not ready for that which I understand. We have been on couple of 5 day trips that he was able to plan when I gave him the dates.

 

Last few weeks, I had to initiate all of the making of plans and he would always give me a vague answer of "we will figure it out". I never know when I will see him next and it causes me to be anxious. We already talked about this and he gets a bit better for a week or 2 but then it goes back to same old.

 

I am sure that he is not seeing anyone else. He initiates and is in constant contact all day and every day and informs me of all his whereabouts together with pictures. I am not happy to have a text/phone relationship though.

 

At this point, my plan is to not even mention seeing each other for a week and if he doesn't initiate anything to end it. I mean talking has failed already and I am sick of constantly being the one to ask to see him.

[Gaeta]

Dating is about finding a suitable partner that will enhance our life. At 5 months dating, on many facets not only on communication, your relationship has been a collection of frustration. I think it's been long enough for you to make an executive decision. Yes it's time to break up, this relationship isn't viable.

[Redhead14]

We have been together for a few months. He has children that randomly call him up and want to spend time with him at random days and he is always happy to do that.

 

That leaves us unable to make plans except on the rare occasions where children are away traveling with the mom. Then he is constantly with me. I haven't met them yet and he is not ready for that which I understand. We have been on couple of 5 day trips that he was able to plan when I gave him the dates.

 

Last few weeks, I had to initiate all of the making of plans and he would always give me a vague answer of "we will figure it out". I never know when I will see him next and it causes me to be anxious. We already talked about this and he gets a bit better for a week or 2 but then it goes back to same old.

 

I am sure that he is not seeing anyone else. He initiates and is in constant contact all day and every day and informs me of all his whereabouts together with pictures. I am not happy to have a text/phone relationship though.

 

At this point, my plan is to not even mention seeing each other for a week and if he doesn't initiate anything to end it. I mean talking has failed already and I am sick of constantly being the one to ask to see him.

 

I mean talking has failed already and I am sick of constantly being the one to ask to see him -- Exactly. When you address a need/concern with a partner, you sit back and observe whether or not they make the effort to accommodate you. Yeah, you might give a little leeway because "habits are hard to break", but if it continually happens, you end it.

[suckered]

We had a long talk about this today (among other issues). He assured me that he really wants this to work and hasn't been as accommodating to my needs as he should have been . I explained that I feel anxious and uncertain a lot and that I really dislike not making plans. He immediately made plans to spend next 3 evenings together and seemed really upset at the thought of losing me. He also said that he feels ready for me to meet his children.

 

It still left me feeling needy and clingy. And like I need to be on the edge of walking away for him to take me seriously. I also told him that meeting his children is probably not a good idea right now as we need to sort out these issues and stabilise as a couple first. He wa surprised at this because he was under the impression that we were stable and comfortable and he had no doubts and uncertainty about us not working out at all

[enddeck]

People will tell you that his kids have to come first for no matter what and that is true to a certain extent.You did not post his children's ages and this is important,are they very young or are they teens.This may be a situation where his kids or his ex are purposely preventing him from meeting you.

However, you need to take a break from initiating dates and see will he actually do anything or is he happy with the status quo,you are not happy and that is obvious so it may be time for a serious talk and maybe a breakup.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. Don't meet his children until your relationship is stable and you are sure it's going to go the distance.

 

I'm in a relationship with a divorced dad. His custody arrangement is more consistent, but I still have to be flexible because there are occasional changes in plans. But, I did meet his son at 5 months. HE was the one who wanted it to happen. And, I have never felt anxious and insecure... He is always available to get together when he does not have his son and he really makes that a priority. It sounds very different than your situation... Which makes me question his commitment to you and your relationship. Time will tell.

[ThisisIt606]

How old are his kids?

 

At 5 months he should be dropping things like he drops things for his kids if he truely liked/love you. Men with baggage/kids seems so complicated to me. Is he honestly worth your stress?

 

Try to find a man without kids.

[angel.eyes]

Dating is about finding someone who can meet your relationship needs. He can't. Additionally, he's unwilling to make you any sort of priority in his life, which is why you never know when you MIGHT see him.

 

Time to call it a day and find someone who can meet your needs and is willing to be as invested as you are in the relationship. This guy isn'--even after repeated communication about your concerns.

[suckered]

He says he is invested in words but fails to follow trough. It's even more frustrating when I try to comunicate that maybe he needs some time to adjust to dating after divorce and is not ready for a serious commitment. He denies that and says he is ready. He did introduce me to his friends and family, just not the kids.

 

As an example again, we did do something 2 out of 3 evenings he promised recently. I actually couldn't make it the third evening due to a work commitment (the first time in 5 months I had to cancel). I tried to reschedule to a day or 2 after, but he is again being vague and uncommital. Saying stuff like "we will figure it out". He was supposed to let me know today if and when he can see me tomorrow but he didn't let me know anything and it's evening already. Again, he left me hanging. He initiated lots of chit chat through the day as usual. I am sure if I asked, he would set the time but I am tired of asking. So I am just not gonna mention it anymore. I am actually frustrated in even responding to chit chat.

 

Incidentally, I met a really cute guy at work few days back who took my number and asked me out. I really want to go...this guy has never been married and has no children. Of course he may just want sex or something but...I am very tempted to go on a date with him.

Edited February 7, 2017 by suckered

[Tribble]

I understand your frustration. I'm a planner. I like to know when I'm going to get time to myself, time to workout and time to do jobs. I'll always fit things in but need to know. I don't do well with last minute plans. The guy I was last dating was a bit like your guy except he didn't have kids, it was work. He did shifts and never finished on time. It would be a case of I'll see you when I'm done, which could be anything in a 3 hour window. I hated it. We couldn't make plans because who knew if he could make them?? We rarely saw each other because he didn't know when he was working so I'd make other plans - which always turned out to be his day off - doh! He always just said we'd figure out when to see each other too, but no plans. This really affected my feelings developing for him, which caused it to end. He also didn't really see a problem.

 

Incidentally, I met a really cute guy at work few days back who took my number and asked me out. I really want to go...this guy has never been married and has no children. Of course he may just want sex or something but...I am very tempted to go on a date with him.

 

If you're going to pursue this, break up with your guy first. Don't be that person that sets up the next guy first to monkey branch to. If you're considering this, it's probably over with your current guy. Just make sure to do things in the right order.

[PegNosePete]

It would really do my head in, being unable to make plans, even a week in advance, let alone 1 day!

 

Kids come first, yes. But he should be able to sort out a timetable for his "normal" time with the kids. They should have regular visitations with him, not just "as and when". That kind of arrangement is fine if it's just him, but when it affects others, it's no good. Emergencies are one thing but this is no way to co-parent on a long term basis.

 

I would tell him that you need at least 3 days advance notice of dates. The problem is that you've already set a precedent of being available at short notice as a standby, so it may be difficult to change that now. From now on, if he doesn't give you 3 clear days notice, say "no". And if he cancels, treat it as him cancelling on you... as above... emergencies are one thing but if there's no emergency then he has simply bailed on you and it is rude.

[Miss Spider]

This is not normal. It's also not normal that you haven't met his kids by now. I don't think he's that sold on a future with you. He's being really slow to integrate you into his life and not really concerned about seeing you. Just my opinion.

[coolheadal]

We all tolerate so many things but this one you are in is not common, but you put up with it because you have feelings for him. He does also but has kids from a prior relationship. Most who do don't feel it's right time to introduce their kids to someone they don't know long-term yet. Both of you unstable in this relationship both trying to make time for each other. But you have give in when his kids are in town that's his family you don't have much say in that relationship with is own kids. Remember you outsider looking in. When he's ready to introduce you to his kids he'll do it.

 

But that not going to happen any time soon. You now on the other hand you want him to do more for you both but I guess he is only doing what he can. You have to decided what you really want out of this relationship or just put up with the way things are now. It seems to be your having doubts in your mind about it. Once you feel like this you know it's not going to be fun. If he feels like he doesn't want to loose you that could be excuse to keep you going and yet be on the sideline. Which is most likely happening now. You both are trying to juggle your lives around each other to make the other one happy. Your now happy with the way things are going. You want him to do more but he's doing less in this relationship.

 

Either you two talk more about the relationship but in general your not suppose to do that. Just let this ride it course but even if you two do that, look at the relationship direction now. Your not 100% happy and is he giving you all the time in the world that you want him to do? To me the way you have said here he's not doing it. Sure who the heck want a relationship merely on the phone/text. That is no relationship, and many push that first then do have a true relationship in person. If you don't have the time to be in real-time then you have to decide to end what you have now before more time is wasted on nothingness.

[Redhead14]

We had a long talk about this today (among other issues). He assured me that he really wants this to work and hasn't been as accommodating to my needs as he should have been . I explained that I feel anxious and uncertain a lot and that I really dislike not making plans. He immediately made plans to spend next 3 evenings together and seemed really upset at the thought of losing me. He also said that he feels ready for me to meet his children.

 

It still left me feeling needy and clingy. And like I need to be on the edge of walking away for him to take me seriously. I also told him that meeting his children is probably not a good idea right now as we need to sort out these issues and stabilise as a couple first. He wa surprised at this because he was under the impression that we were stable and comfortable and he had no doubts and uncertainty about us not working out at all

 

There is nothing "needy" or "clingy" about expressing a need or concern in a relationship. If you do that in a calm, respectful, non-demanding way it's simply about good communication and being "fair" to the other person. If you continually allow things that affect you in a negative way to go unaddressed and build up resentment, it usually comes out in a really bad way at some point. The other person is caught off-guard because they didn't realize that it was a problem. They are not mind-readers. He was surprised at this because he was under the impression that we were stable and comfortable and he had no doubts and uncertainty about us not working out at all

 

This guy has acknowledged and is attempting to address it and he's doing that immediately. That is a good thing. If he was dismissive or condescending, etc., then I might end it actually.

 

What I think would be appropriate and at least fair for both of you, is to have a "schedule". Xnumber of nights per week. Not every day either and not set in stone. I mean, if something comes up, something comes up. But this way you have those days to look forward to and not wondering all the time.

 

However, if he reverts back to the "old ways" fairly soon, that is when you might begin to consider ending it. You've made your concerns known and now you have to sit back and observe calmly and objectively.

 

And like I need to be on the edge of walking away for him to take me seriously -- You need to get out of this "mindset". That is about ultimatums and manipulation. If you walk, you walk and you do it for YOU. Not to get him to take you seriously.

 

And, you're right, don't include the children until the relationship is clearly on solid ground and plans for a future are established.

[Larryville]

It still left me feeling needy and clingy.

you need to take a break from initiating dates

 

Dating is about finding someone who can meet your relationship needs. He can't.

 

*This is not normal. It's also not normal that you haven't met his kids by now.

**And, you're right, don't include the children until the relationship is clearly on solid ground and plans for a future are established.

 

*Which means he does not see you as long term material…

 

How do I know?

 

**

 

His kids come first and you are an occasional distraction. You not ending this means YOU don’t believe you deserve better hence your “needy and clingy” comment.

 

This post is more about your mental well-being NOT what he does or doesn’t do.

[Fair]

Don't let people let the "I have kids" excuse to make you feel you deserve to be left on the back burner.

 

I'm suspicious of anyone who has two separate lives. And at five months or even less it's probably not unreasonable to at least meet his kids once, it doesn't mean you have to start being a mom or spending all kinds of time with them right off the bat. This is another problem I have with this type of relationship... when you're told it's reasonable that you should expect to have to stay hidden in the background just because he has kids..." it's more likely a case of you have to be kept separate because "he has a jealous ex..." and in that case they're usually not as "ex" as you think.

 

At best, This is a man wanting to have his cake and eat it, too. Not uncommon even when dating someone who is divorced with a family. you are getting NOTHING from while he is having the best of both worlds.

 

If you have no kids, I'd advise you to find someone who likewise has no kids. That always works best.

[Fair]

you didn't state how old the kids are, but be aware there are men who use the "i have kids" excuse not to invite you fully into their lives when their kids are 25, 30 years old... Doesn''t really have anything to do them, now, does it?

[Miss Peach]

I have kids and I don't do that to men I date. I think it's an excuse and it sounds like either the mom is a flake or he's poor at planning/managing his time. I don't introduce someone for awhile so I can understand him not wanting you to meet the kids. But he needs to be able to plan his time as I(I'm assuming) he's an adult.

 

You've talked to him. Now you need to show him your boundary with actions. If you are doing all the plans making and you've told him your time is valuable and you're tired of it, then I would just 'leave' it to him to make some plans. You may not see him a few nights you would have but if he's really into you, he'll pick up the hint quickly and make plans to see you.

[Gaeta]

Incidentally, I met a really cute guy at work few days back who took my number and asked me out. I really want to go...this guy has never been married and has no children. Of course he may just want sex or something but...I am very tempted to go on a date with him.

 

 

You are in a 5 month exclusive relationship, why do you give your number to men? If you do this then you are not truly invested in your BF therefore you cannot accuse him of being half-heart in your relationship either. You reap what you sow.

[suckered]

You are in a 5 month exclusive relationship, why do you give your number to men? If you do this then you are not truly invested in your BF therefore you cannot accuse him of being half-heart in your relationship either. You reap what you sow.

 

I only did this after I decided that I can't tolerate my bf's poor treatment any longer.

 

I have formally ended the relationship tonight.

[Gaeta]

I only did this after I decided that I can't tolerate my bf's poor treatment any longer.

 

I have formally ended the relationship tonight.

 

I am glad you broke up. This relationship was going nowhere.

 

It does not change the fact when you gave your number away you were still in an exclusive relationship. This is something you might want to do some introspection on. It's not ok to give your number away just cause you are frustrated with your boyfriend, as long as he is a boyfriend you respect your exclusivity agreement.