I want a divorce after 25 years but am scared to take that step...

[BirdieBelle]

I've been married to my husband for 25 years, and from about 6 months in I've had serious doubts.

The situation is too complicated, of course, to convey here, and I am fully aware that I have willingly stayed, repressed, in this marriage. But I did try a couple of times to leave.

At first I thought I was "the problem," because my husband is a great guy, well liked with no bad habits that would send most women running. Even his annoying quirks wouldn't be dealbreakers for most.

So I spent a lot of time over the years in therapy trying to change whatever was wrong with me that made me not want to be with this man. I've finally realized, however, that there's nothing "wrong" with me; I'm just with the wrong person.

When we dated in college, the last 2 out of 5 years were long distance, so I was trying to get a job in his town so we could date "like a normal couple" for a change instead of 3 hours apart.

When I couldn't get a job in my field right away, my then-boyfriend jumped the gun and proposed. His thinking was, "Well, you're trying to move here anyway; I just thought I'd make it official."

He was ready, and I was not, but I wasn't mature enough to recognize that. I went along with his logic and said yes.

The bottom line, though, is that I am not and for most of our marriage never have been attracted to my husband. I had a couple of affairs in the early years, including one that he knew about. The discovery of the affair led to some intensive sex and relationship retreats and therapy and multiple promises to "do better" and "refocus on our marriage."

We have two amazing children, with the youngest in middle school now. But we have a roommate relationship with no passion and almost no affection. I hate to think what it is modeling for our kids.

We haven't kissed beyond a peck in about 15 years. Seriously. And our sex life is more like mutual masturbation, with the lights out, every few weeks so we can at least say we did it.

My husband is not an adventurous lover, and he is not very expressive verbally or physically. My inability to express this side of myself is making me a bitter, withdrawn person. I don't engage him much on a physical level because I don't want to send any painful "rejection" vibes, since I am not attracted to him.

We have discussed divorce in the past, but not lately. I think we are in a cruise control situation where we are both just thankful to have a partner around. We can laugh and have fun for the most part, even though we spend a LOT of time apart in separate activities.

I know this is really screwed up, and yes, the answer is to go ahead for God's sake and end it already. But I am terrified to bring it up to him because I know that once that conversation starts, the ball starts rolling downhill. The last time we seriously talked divorce was about 5 years ago, and all he ended up saying was that he could not imagine telling our son, that it would break his heart and he did not know if he could do that.

So here we are.

I think we would be great co-parents and even friends. But I'm terrified to tell him, terrified to tell my parents, and sick to my stomach about telling the kids. I'd appreciate any advice for someone who wants to walk away from a situation that, to most on the outside, doesn't look that bad at all.

[Popsicle]

Aside from the affairs, it sounds like a typical marriage to me.

[mightycpa]

Aside from the affairs, it sounds like a typical marriage to me.

 

No, it's not always that bad. Sometimes, there's a great deal of warmth and affection and lust. It's like any living system, it has its summers and its winters.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I'm terrified to tell him, terrified to tell my parents, and sick to my stomach about telling the kids. I'd appreciate any advice for someone who wants to walk away from a situation that, to most on the outside, doesn't look that bad at all.

 

How do you picture your life after divorce? And why didn't you leave during/after the affairs?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sweetfish]

I've been married to my husband for 25 years, and from about 6 months in I've had serious doubts.

The situation is too complicated, of course, to convey here, and I am fully aware that I have willingly stayed, repressed, in this marriage. But I did try a couple of times to leave.

At first I thought I was "the problem," because my husband is a great guy, well liked with no bad habits that would send most women running. Even his annoying quirks wouldn't be dealbreakers for most.

So I spent a lot of time over the years in therapy trying to change whatever was wrong with me that made me not want to be with this man. I've finally realized, however, that there's nothing "wrong" with me; I'm just with the wrong person.

When we dated in college, the last 2 out of 5 years were long distance, so I was trying to get a job in his town so we could date "like a normal couple" for a change instead of 3 hours apart.

When I couldn't get a job in my field right away, my then-boyfriend jumped the gun and proposed. His thinking was, "Well, you're trying to move here anyway; I just thought I'd make it official."

He was ready, and I was not, but I wasn't mature enough to recognize that. I went along with his logic and said yes.

The bottom line, though, is that I am not and for most of our marriage never have been attracted to my husband. I had a couple of affairs in the early years, including one that he knew about. The discovery of the affair led to some intensive sex and relationship retreats and therapy and multiple promises to "do better" and "refocus on our marriage."

We have two amazing children, with the youngest in middle school now. But we have a roommate relationship with no passion and almost no affection. I hate to think what it is modeling for our kids.

We haven't kissed beyond a peck in about 15 years. Seriously. And our sex life is more like mutual masturbation, with the lights out, every few weeks so we can at least say we did it.

My husband is not an adventurous lover, and he is not very expressive verbally or physically. My inability to express this side of myself is making me a bitter, withdrawn person. I don't engage him much on a physical level because I don't want to send any painful "rejection" vibes, since I am not attracted to him.

We have discussed divorce in the past, but not lately. I think we are in a cruise control situation where we are both just thankful to have a partner around. We can laugh and have fun for the most part, even though we spend a LOT of time apart in separate activities.

I know this is really screwed up, and yes, the answer is to go ahead for God's sake and end it already. But I am terrified to bring it up to him because I know that once that conversation starts, the ball starts rolling downhill. The last time we seriously talked divorce was about 5 years ago, and all he ended up saying was that he could not imagine telling our son, that it would break his heart and he did not know if he could do that.

So here we are.

I think we would be great co-parents and even friends. But I'm terrified to tell him, terrified to tell my parents, and sick to my stomach about telling the kids. I'd appreciate any advice for someone who wants to walk away from a situation that, to most on the outside, doesn't look that bad at all.

 

 

This is not a typical or healthy marriage. It is not fair that your needs have to be put on stand-by and you should communicate how you feel again with out using the children as a way to defuse a problem. Its also your responsibility in the relationship to express how you feel instead of harboring anger or bitterness.

[road]

Try MC IC some more, though with different counselors and after your

son graduates HS you pull the plug if you still need to.

[BirdieBelle]

How do you picture your life after divorce? And why didn't you leave during/after the affairs?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I picture a life similar to what I have now, but without him sitting in the other chair in the den at night.

 

He is at the office 12 hours a day, and on weekends we either used to separate for various kid activities or everyone would wait for me to come up with something to do.

 

So I picture a similar life but one where I can move through the day without feeling guilty that I am not in love with that man who lives here.

 

I did move out once, about 18 months in, during an affair with a friend from grad school. For 2 weeks I stayed with a girlfriend. Then my male friend ended it, and my husband took me back. I went back reluctantly but thought we could solve things with therapy.

 

We've had a LOT of counseling. I saw my individual therapist yesterday. It's not magic.

 

The other times I used the kids as an excuse to stay and catalyst to work on the marriage. But you can't manufacture feelings.

[road]

Problems before an affair

The affair just created more problems while not eliminating any

of the original problems. What you have now is an overload of

issues to deal with that will take 2 to 5 years of work to get pass.

[BirdieBelle]

Problems before an affair

The affair just created more problems while not eliminating any

of the original problems. What you have now is an overload of

issues to deal with that will take 2 to 5 years of work to get pass.

 

Yes, I know. We have tried to work on the problems multiple times, with multiple counselors. I'm not interested in working on them anymore.

 

I was hoping to get advice on how to get over that threshold of telling my husband that I want a divorce. We are so used to living in that autopilot track that he probably will be blindsided by it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I picture a life similar to what I have now, but without him sitting in the other chair in the den at night.

 

Interesting statement. You don't make him sound needy or demanding of your time and, in fact, he seems relatively happy in the marriage. Sounds like most outsiders would think you have it all.

 

But you also don't say a more direct emotional connection with someone else is on your bucket list going forward. You may not love him but do seem to care for him - do you feel pressure from him to give more? If not, what does removing him add to your life?

 

Much of your angst seems self-imposed...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AMarriedMan]

But we have a roommate relationship with no passion and almost no affection. I hate to think what it is modeling for our kids.

We haven't kissed beyond a peck in about 15 years. Seriously. And our sex life is more like mutual masturbation, with the lights out, every few weeks so we can at least say we did it.

 

The children know nothing about the nature of your sex life. They should not and they definitely don't want to. Children do not want to witness their parents having hots for each other. The thought of seeing their mom and dad having a make out session like a couple of teenagers in lust would fill most kids with some amount of disgust. Young children do not even have much more than a very vague concept of sexual passion between people.

 

What they thrive on is a calm and peaceful atmosphere in the home with mutual respect and affection between the parents and all the family members. Children are harmed by witnessing any type of abuse or complete indifference between their parents.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Sounds like we are in the same boat. Married 16+ years and I was never passionately in love with my wife. I thought she was fun to hang out with and filled a void in my life at the time. I thought i'd grow to love her. She has even told me this herself (ie she sees my lack of passion) and has doubted my love for her but I always pacified her so things would calm down.

 

 

I am scared to death to have the conversation. We have two kids.

[TheDawg]

Sounds like we are in the same boat. Married 16+ years and I was never passionately in love with my wife. I thought she was fun to hang out with and filled a void in my life at the time. I thought i'd grow to love her. She has even told me this herself (ie she sees my lack of passion) and has doubted my love for her but I always pacified her so things would calm down.

 

 

I am scared to death to have the conversation. We have two kids.

 

I'm in the same boat as you, my friend. I posted an update to my saga (I was on here under another name about 3 years ago, almost got divorced, MC and reconciled, but I've circled back to where I was)on another board and almost got shredded. This isn't a fun club to be a part of.

[LFC]

Birdie.

 

I can totally understand the fear you are talking about! It is almost a year to the day I told my wife that I wanted a divorce, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to say in my entire life. Just a brief background to me: I have been married for almost 17 years and have a 16 year old son. I got married because my wife (long distant girl friend on the other side of the country at the time) came to visit me on vacation after she talked me out of breaking up with her, because i was not in love with her, and got pregnant. Then told me that she was not going to keep the baby if we were not going to be together. So we got married and I hoped for the best. 15 years later (2 years ago) she accused me on having an affair , as i was acting so distant, but I was not and never have. I did not realize i was acting any different to be completely honest. After the first day she accused me in which i denied having an affair, she came at me again and without thinking about it, i said that i was not in love with her anymore. Life after that was awful. We tried MC, talking, vacation, dates, sex almost every night for 3 months, but the hard truth for me was that you cant find or rekindle what was not there in the first place. This has been the hardest 2 years of my life and a journey that i would not wish on anyone, however, you have to make a final decision at some point. After I had come to the reality about what i had to do, about a year ago, i was on a website desperate to find the courage to say those heartbreaking words "I want a divorce". I came across the words of a woman who had gone through a divorce in which she stated that saying those words were "the best worst words that I have ever had to say". She described the aftermath and the awful path she went down but that there was a relief that also came with the words. In my situation when i found the courage to say these words, i do understand what she was talking about. I am not going to lie, the aftermath was awful with the guilt and having to tell my son as well as family, but a year on from that day I am so much happier and on the road to recovery. Birdie, many people will give you advice, and if you are like me, you are looking for someone to tell you exactly what to do and what to say. Unfortunately, there is no exact way to know what to say and how to say it. But don't you think that 25 years of trying is long enough? Would you want your child to be in a marriage like yours for this amount of time? Is it fair on your husband to not be with a woman who loves him for who he is? Would you want your parents to have a marriage like the one you are in? I had to come to the reality that the reason I never fell in love with my wife was because we were never a good fit no matter how hard I tried. Maybe you just have to decide that it is time to set you both free. Guilt is a very powerful emotion to over come, trust me i know, but it is not fair on anyone (including the children) to live a lie for the sake of guilt. Birdie, you all deserve to be happy. It may take time but I think it is possible. I hope any of my post can help you!

[DKT3]

This is a perfect example of not being honest with you spouse surrounding infidelity. OP had several affairs and wasn't honest. This lack of honesty prevented her from ever gaining a true emotional connection. In turn they have really waisted two decades.

 

Honestly op, do you expect it to get easier? Conversely, I'm willing to bet you once your husband gets comfortable with the idea of divorce he will then have an opportunity to find a woman who will be emotionally available and not hiding who she is, maybe you will find someone who you don't have to lie to for the next two decades.

 

Sad story of lies deceit avoidance and most importantly stealing/waisting someones prime years. Do steal any more of his opportunity to find out what it's like to have the love of a faithful honest woman.

[oldshirt]

I picture a life similar to what I have now, but without him sitting in the other chair in the den at night.

 

He is at the office 12 hours a day, and on weekends we either used to separate for various kid activities or everyone would wait for me to come up with something to do.

 

So I picture a similar life but one where I can move through the day without feeling guilty that I am not in love with that man who lives here.

 

 

The other times I used the kids as an excuse to stay and catalyst to work on the marriage. But you can't manufacture feelings.

 

 

IMHO this is how you approach it and market it.

 

Assuming you two would be able to cooperate and effectively coparent from two separate households, it really wouldn't be much different other than that you would each have the freedom to pursue your own interests.

 

If he is using the excuse of not wanting to tell the kids (who I am assuming are not little anymore), he shouldn't have to. You're the one pulling the plug so it's only fair that you be the one to break it to them anyway.

 

My advice is work out a divorce plan and a post-divorce vision of what your relationship with him and what your relationships with your children will be like and share that with him when you break the news to him.

 

He may not like it and he may not buy off on it. But his buy-in is not required.

 

If all else fails, just show him what you have written here. If I were to find my wife had written that, I would help load her stuff in the moving truck myself.

 

Perhaps if he knew the depths of your lack of esteem and love for him, he change his tune and endorse the divorce.

Edited February 27, 2017 by oldshirt

[BluesPower]

OP, You just have to do it...

 

Just understand that life will not be the same lifestyle that you have now.

 

If your not working you will have to get a job. You will not have the disposable cash that you have now if any. Things will change.

 

Here is the deal, DO NOT FALL IN LOVE with the first guy you screw when you get divorced for goodness sake.

 

Just have some fun. Enjoy your freedom, and do not get in a serious relationship.

 

But most importantly stop wasting your life. This is what you have been doing for the last several years. Even if most aspects are OK with the roommate mode that you are in.

 

I am almost finished with my divorce and believe me when I realized the my wife has never really loved me, I could not file for divorce fast enough.

 

I am currently living the dream, for a guy, right now. I am just a happy as a pig in slop.

 

It may be scary and that won't change, you just have to put your big girl panties on and go for it...

[elaine567]

You have to get your ducks in a row and find out what divorce will mean for you financially.

All very well to daydream about a life without your husband in it, but you need to make sure you are well aware of what divorce will actually mean for you.

Your husband may very well go, "Fine we will split everything and co-parent sensibly" and all is hunky dory.

BUT you could also end up with a huge fight on your hands for years and years with a bitter husband.

He may clear out any joint accounts you have, leaving you to fight him in court for the money.

He may fight you for custody of your child or get into a fight over other assets. He may make selling your house difficult, so you do not get your fair share for years...

Do you have your own money to pay for legal fees to fight your end?

 

Of course you could also end up splitting everything in half and you then find you won't have enough money to live on once the debts are paid off, or you will be in deep debt even with a full time job. Find out the real state of your marital assets/debts before you bring up the topic of divorce. As you have already brought up divorce 5 years ago he may be squirrelling away money at the moment, so go through your finances with a fine tooth comb, you may not actually be as rich as you thought you were.

 

YOU are concentrating on the emotional aspect and whilst that is very important, your emotional well being may not be so healthy if you are living in a social housing apartment hand to mouth with bills stacking up and no means to pay them.

Do not rely on finding the man of your dreams to solve any financial gaps that may occur post divorce either. He may not ever appear, so you need to know exactly what divorce will mean to you financially.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I am close to pulling the trigger. I posted above that I am similar to OP, never passionately loved my wife. I recently reconnected with ex gf I have thought about passionately for the last 20 years.

 

 

So do I tell her I never loved her or tell her I am leaving for another woman? Part me wants to soften the blow by saying I am leaving for another woman. Ill be the scoundrel then. But how do you tell a woman you never loved her for the past 20 years?

[SoleMate]

I recommend reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. She has a realistic and fact-grounded method to help make this decision.

 

I do agree with what someone said above.....I see that the marriage is not a good one, but it's not at all clear that your husband is any kind of problem per se. He seems rather passive and accepting and you do too. If you just take your current life and delete the husband, you may find that life is no better and maybe even worse. And you will no longer have an easy answer for "why does my life feel so blah?". You'll have to REALLY look within yourself.

 

I'd suggest you're a prime candidate for changing your marriage by changing yourself. E.g. His Needs, Her Needs. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

You'll have to REALLY look within yourself.

 

Also can't help but wonder about the lingering effects of infidelity - both disclosed and unrevealed - on both partners and their disconnect ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi OP, just one question. Do you work, have a reasonably well paying job? I think your divorce plan would hinge a lot on that. As Elaine said financial security after divorce would be a very important input to your decision to divorce. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

 

So do I tell her I never loved her or tell her I am leaving for another woman? Part me wants to soften the blow by saying I am leaving for another woman. Ill be the scoundrel then. But how do you tell a woman you never loved her for the past 20 years?

This is not an either or situation.

 

Don't tell her anything like that.

Soften the blow by telling her you cheated on her and have her never trust another man ever again...?????!!!

 

No need to tell her you never loved her either.

Are you determined to hurt her and be cruel to her?

[Mr. Lucky]

Don't tell her anything like that.

Soften the blow by telling her you cheated on her and have her never trust another man ever again...?????!!!

 

No need to tell her you never loved her either.

Are you determined to hurt her and be cruel to her?

 

Wookin Pa Nub, have to agree with this.

 

If you don't owe her the commitment to stay after 20 years, then I'm not sure you owe her an explanation either.

 

Tell her the truth - you're doing what you think is best for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

SO....

 

You married a guy you didn't love from the beginning, and after 25 years of persistent reluctance to be in this marriage, you are looking for a way out. It's about time, isn't it?

 

I think every minute you stay, you hurt your husband and hurt you. You cannot get away with this. It is YOU who responsible for all this. YOU created it. This whole 25 years is YOUR masterpiece.

 

The problem is you know that. You know it in theory. I think you should get a coacher who will help you to take some decisions and actions. After 25 years this is the time to look in the mirror and admit that you're just incapable of doing it by yourself.