kara Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 hi, this thread is for those LS visitors with social anxiety who are sick of "get a life", "be more secure" etc. pompous advice. i am not pouring my heart onto a screen and a keyboard because i want to show off how great i am and how much i know and how great my life is- i have a problem and it's leaving me with noone to talk to. basically, i am suffering from something which is probably called social anxiety- i can't communicate with people and whenever i try it end up being very painful since i say stupid things and end up being disliked. like when i am alone in a room with a colleage whom i don't really know, i try to make a conversation but the other person seems to be waiting for someone else to step in the room so they can stop talking to me. i suspect it's because i get very tense. i haven't give up trying but i am so tired, of trying and not succeeding to get myself liked. do you know what i mean? am i boring you? if so, don't bother to post. but if you are going through this or have been... know what it is to be an outcast... i would love to hear from you... Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 I also have often felt this insecurity, but it has gotten better. What you need to learn is to relax. Once you relax a bit, your talks will get better. When your talks get better you develop more self-confidence, thus creating a positive circle. If a very insecure person starts a talk with me, I often get a bit nervous, too. Their anxiousness and tension infects me and I sometimes do not enjoy the talk as much as I could. Well, I know it's, because they're nervous, but I still feel like a weirdo, because they're so strange around me. It's important for me to remind myself that these people are tense, because they're shy and nervous and that it has nothing to do with me and it's important for them to remind themselves that I'm also just a human being and also very likely a tad nervous and insecure when they talk with me; sometimes it's because their nervousness makes me nervous and sometimes it's just because my problem is also shyness. We all think that other people don't have the same problems as we do. I recently had a talk with a friend of mine about my fear of talking in public and social anxities. My perception of him was that he was a very outgoing person and didn't have problems with interacting with people at all and so I wanted some advice from him. Well, during our talk it turned out that he also sometimes felt these extreme anxities when he's with people, even friends. He tells me though that he tries to push himself to open up, to go out and reach to them, to interact with them on a human level. He has achieved a lot, he went to a top university in the States and he's in one of the top universities in England now, but he's still insecure in some ways, concerning people, work. Nonetheless, he tries to work on his problems, which his very admirable. The more I observe people the more I realize that most people have their insecurities, some simply hide them better than others, but all have them. I find that to be a very soothing - everybody has anxities and insecurities. If you remember this, it will ease your fear. It's not something that will happen overnight, it took me a long time to get to this point and I'm still not where I want to be, but I'm pretty confident that it's possible to reach a certain of level of comfort in your interactions with people. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 kara - even your post seems insecure and that's something that you should work on, your own insecurities. you seem to have some self esteem issues if you think that people will automatically not like you and not want to hear what you have to say. i feel that i can say this to you because i have been there as well. i think you would benefit greatly from psychotherapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. do some research on the internet and see what is out there. personally i have also found some helpful things in self help books. you have to remember that everyone has something unique and interesting about them and I'd be that there are plenty of people who like you just as you are....nobody will have everyone they meet like them, nobody. i've never done cognitive behavioral therapy but i've read a little about it on the internet. it pushes you to meet people and practice talking to people over and over and over again until it becomes comfortable to you and you're no longer afraid of it (because you are on a subconscious level). we're all here to help each other and listen to each other on LS so feel free to post more if you want more feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 I have my own insecurities and self esteem issues and have learned a few things over the years on how to deal with it (or not). If I'm in a room with one other person I wait until they talk first. They have just as much opportunity to strike up a conversation as I do, so I let them go first. This is because I used to be the one to say something stupid just for the sake of making conversation, and I have seen others do it and realized how much of an idiot I looked like. It doesn't make you a snob. If they're not talking to you, they are just as much to blame as you are. If they do talk to you, you're okay with one or two word answers. You don't have to get into your life story. If you MUST talk, then pay the person a compliment. Relax, try not to ramble, and just enjoy the silence. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 I think you should look into Cognitive Behavior Therapy. You will benefit from it and learn how to face those fears. I do CBT because of my anxiety disorder. It has helped me SO much. It's alot of work, what you put into it is what you get out of it. Having a good CBT therapist also is a huge plus. Make sure you connect well with that person. In the meantime, my suggestion (yeah it sounds gay, but it does work) is to practice infront of a mirror. Prepare things to say, be comfortable with yourself and LOOK into your own eyes from the reflection. See how you look, how others will perceive you. Your confidence level with what you're saying will improve and maybe the worry will be less. Try it and see... Keep posting and feel free to PM me anytime. I know how hard this is for you. Link to post Share on other sites
xazecp Posted July 24, 2005 Share Posted July 24, 2005 gotta love social anxiety.. im ****ing dead now Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2005 Share Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by xazecp gotta love social anxiety.. im ****ing dead now Post about it X. It will make you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 lol, yes, we all have insecurities... I have been going to therapy and believe everyone here when they say it does help! And it will help more than any advice on this forum will... Experiential learning it is... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 26, 2005 Share Posted July 26, 2005 have been going to therapy and believe everyone here when they say it does help! And it will help more than any advice on this forum will... Experiential learning it is... Yup, therapy DOES help, alot. But so does posting. Posting doesn't 'fix and solve', but it helps getting stuff out, getting advice and most of all - Not feeling so alone and knowing others understand what you're going through. I joined a bunch of anxiety sites when I first realized I had a problem. It helped SO much, just knowing I wasn't the only one feeling so crappy. Having that support system is wonderful! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kara Posted July 28, 2005 Author Share Posted July 28, 2005 thanks guys for all the posts. over the years i've learned that being insecure is certainly a repellent and moreover something other people aren't interested in discussing- you've helped me doubt that a bit. i can't really start cbt, many reasons like time, finance etc. thinking of starting by reading though. does anyone know of a book that helped them? internet is quite a chaotic place, but i try to refer to it and get info when i can... i have to basically do self-help at this stage... hopefully with you and not alone Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Glad to help you out Kara. Try googling Dr Burns. He has written some books about CBT. Sam Orbitz too. Been there, done that, try this! Is an excellent one. Atleast you can follow the guidelines and use the worksheets. I think the book can be ordered or bought in the States. Can't be bought in Canada in any bookstores (the Orbitz. Or is it Obitz. lol, either way you'll find it when you do a google.) Keep posting and feel free to PM me, I know some good sites that could help you with the anxiety. They helped me so much in the past few years. Link to post Share on other sites
moon Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 I was just walking through Borders Books in the psychology department and was really surprised at how many books they have on anxiety. There is even a version of "Anxiety for Dummies." There's help out there. You just have to go looking. Another good author for anxiety is Lucinda Bassett. She was a sufferer for years with anxiety and has written a few books about it. Next time you feel you aren't making a good conversation with somebody, turn the tables around in your mind. Think to yourself, is this person entertaining me? If the answer is no, then hey.....it might be their fault too. Besides work environments (the 9-5 office kind) tend to be boring in my opinion. Conversations aren't very stimulating there....as far as I am concerned. I think it's just the nature of the environment....I wouldn't really go looking for great stimulating and philisophical conversations sitting over a conference table. Link to post Share on other sites
Nur Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Now, I don't have severe social anxiety, but I feel a twinge of it in crowded areas, classrooms, etc. -- whenever there are more than a small group of people around. I have to consciously force myself to relax and not clam up... it seems hard to just be myself around them, especially when everyone else seems so unaffected and open. An important thing I've learned is to work on your body language. If you sit or stand with tense muscles, staring at the floor with your arms crossed, you are sending out signals screaming, "Stay away from me! I don't want anyone to talk to me or come close!" I've found that if you take a few deep breaths, relax the muscles in your arms and legs, sit with your legs uncrossed and lightly place your hands in the open, you are not only sending out warm signals, but it actually helps you feel better from inside, as well. Sometimes acting calm and relaxed can eventually make you so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kara Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 thanks, nur. body language stuff is a good one. something i can practise in front of a mirror...cool. Link to post Share on other sites
AleroGurl Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 I know how you feel...i am soooo quiet when i go to work, or to parties. i dont know what to say half the time. and when i do saysomething i feel stupid afterwards. even if im drunk(which is like 3 times a year) i still have a hard tiem wanting to be around ppl...therapy and reading is the best way to go so ive been told by friends and family...just be glad that u can recognize that u do have anxiety and are wanting to work on it to become a happier person!! whichwayisup... seeing how for some reason i cannot pm ANYONE grrr what are some anxiety sites that u were speaking of? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 You may not have access to PM yet because I think you have to be a member of LS for a while and/or do more posting/replies to get your quota up. You could also use the 'contact us' link and ask one of the mods. I'm not sure if I am allowed to post the health site, but here's a hint: Google healingwell and see what comes up... I do have to comment, one thing about social anxiety is comfort level (obviously) and feeling secure in yourself. It's a vicious circle and feeds back and forth - Which is why CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) is so important. This special type of therapy teaches you the coping skills to handle the fears, learn WHY they're there and how to work through the anxiety, retrain the brain to think more positively, ridding of the negative thoughts and feelings. Exposure therapy (doing exercises and pushing yourself is part of the CBT) is the way to go and take back the control! The books help, and one can learn alot too, but having an actual therapist is the best. If you can't afford one, look into a college/university and see if they have cheaper or pay-as-you-go therapists. Sometimes you get lucky and find a good one that will work something out with money payment. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 Kara, one thing you might benefit from is joining a support group, if there's one available in your area; perhaps you've already done that? This might sound a little artificial, but I think role playing sessions could help you out a bit. Not the type where your body language and ability to interact is analysed afterwards, though - that could be a bit much! Just the type that gives you an opportunity to practise out different situations where you have to speak to other people. It's very unfortunate that you have encountered colleagues who respond to your attempts to come out of your shell by acting bored and looking out to see who else is coming into the room. Nobody with genuinely good "people skills" would do that - or would feel the need to do it...because they would be able to help you feel at ease and speak naturally. It's important for you to remember that it takes two to have a conversation, and though you're responsible for your part, you don't have to "own" the way the other person chooses to respond. Going to something like a yoga class might also help you to physically relax in the presence of a group of people. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 And if you don't want therapy or books, and/or they are not helping you out - take the route I did - and pursue a career in fields where social inadequecy is in the majority - i.e. Artist, Writer, Programmer, Musician etc. I've found it very relaxing and comfortable to be surrounded by creative types of people, because alot of them have many of the same social tensions and issues. Very few people get extremely skilled in these fields, without having spent the vast majority of their time alone and working to excel at their craft. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 Originally posted by Blackfrost I've found it very relaxing and comfortable to be surrounded by creative types of people, because alot of them have many of the same social tensions and issues. That's not at all surprising. The Kiersey temperament test indicates that the Healer type (which, by its very name, suggests a therapeutic sort of person) tends to be introverted. These are often very creative people who, perhaps more than any other personality type, strive to produce the very music, art, literature, architecture and landscapes that make the world a better place than it might otherwise be. Something, perhaps, for less outgoing souls to remember whenever they feel inadequate or belittled by others. Also useful to realise that being introverted is a temperament rather than necessarily being a psychological disorder. Perhaps it only becomes a disorder because so many people feel weighed down by the ever increasing pressure to be tough, driven party animals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kara Posted August 6, 2005 Author Share Posted August 6, 2005 thanks lindya, i haven't actually joined a support group, not sure if there is one around, will have to look. i live in england and people here aren't as open about their... how should i say it- inadequacies, i guess- as it is on the other side of the atlantic... blackfrost, i suppose you're right- as a general rule, but... i actually have a writer friend who is quite clumsy socially as well, but he steers clear from me more than others sometimes and if we happen to spend time together he keeps talking about how he prefers "the outgoing american" to the "socially handicapped brit"... which obviously i can't help but take personally... he's quite a parasite attracted to anything and anyone with a touch of "feel good" factor in them or anything that will suit his strict rules of "arty"... i've come to think that everyone is like that- flagging "if you don't suit my little world, you make me uncomfortable-piss off..." i don't think i am, but i am weird anyway... i think i am also not recognising how looks and gestures communicate for me, i don't even know what they're saying to others and sometimes get shocked by the responses i'm getting before i've even opened my mouth to say hi... need more mirrors around or something... you've all been great...thanks a lot... Link to post Share on other sites
Rosalind Posted August 6, 2005 Share Posted August 6, 2005 Two words of advice to you, hun.... Prescription Medication. Honestly! in 3 weeks you'll be feeling normal. Rosalind Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Ginko Biloba(?sp) helps i have heard, if you remeber to take it..............but check f it will be ok for you first! but i think i have disleyia, with numbers, at least, although i will see words, and think they are different words...........like i saw some bumper sticker today, and thught it said Davis, but it really said Divas.............odd I never really realizing this in school, and YES, i was was # 3 in my graduating class, but i never remember letters and especially NUmber being mixed up, even though i was never great in math..........i do not rember being dislexic, with anything.......it is really stranged...............although after you age a bit, after 24.........i would definately say things change! Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita Ginko Biloba(?sp) helps i have heard, if you remeber to take it..............but check f it will be ok for you first! but i think i have disleyia, with numbers, at least, although i will see words, and think they are different words...........like i saw some bumper sticker today, and thught it said Davis, but it really said Divas.............odd I never really realizing this in school, and YES, i was was # 3 in my graduating class, but i never remember letters and especially NUmber being mixed up, even though i was never great in math..........i do not rember being dislexic, with anything.......it is really stranged...............although after you age a bit, after 24.........i would definately say things change! Sweetie, I'm confused. What does this have to do with social anxiety? Did you want to post this in my thread about improving your memory? Link to post Share on other sites
Marie1973 Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 KARA I HAVE 1 WORD TO SAY TO YOU, 'PAXIL' MY EX BOYFRIEND OF 6 YEARS HAD SOCIAL ANXIETY I REMEMBER US STANDING IN LINE AT BRADLEES , I TURNED AROUND & HE WAS SHAKING, & SWEATING LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW. I TOLD HIM TO GO TO THE DOCTORS & THEY GAVE HIM PAXIL. IN ABOUT 3 WEEKS, HE WAS A WHOLE NEW PERSON! IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. I ALSO JUST TOLD A COWORKER OF MINE ABOUT IT. HER HUSBAND HAD THE SAME THING, SHE JUST TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT HE WENT ON PAXIL & HE IS A WHOLE NEW PERSON. IT IS A MIRACLE DRUG, IT DID WONDERS FOR MY EX. 2 MONTHS LATER, HE WAS THE LEADER OF THE PACK!! U HAVE TO GET ON IT, TRUST ME, IT HELPS !!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Definately don't just start taking paxil. The doctor decides which drug is best for you. I know TOO many people who have had horrible side effects going off that particular drug and you need to be weened, just can't go cold turkey. It works for some yes, but not all. Do research before taking Paxil. Just my thoughts on this one... Link to post Share on other sites
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