social anxiety help thread

[theduke]

Sam Obitz is the guy that wrote "Been There, Done That? DO THIS!" Orbitz is that travel website. (if anyone prefers to spend $12 or so on a great book instead of hundreds for therapy, here is a good start-- http://www.tao3.com ) I wrote to the author about three months ago, and he wrote me back!

 

anyway, I know that book well and feel indebted to it. I read it last Christmas and it has helped me a great deal, especially with the Tea form exercises. They really help me deal with all my anxiety. Have those TEA forms been a big help to you?

[Ejames]

I went through a 14 week cbt program at the begining of the year and it really is amazing how well the thought countering exercises work. I have also read the Burns and Obitz books that were recommended by someone else here in a great post and I would agree that both are excellent books on cbt.

[mutton]

I have a very similiar problem with social anxiety. I have 1-2 close friends, but I cant seem to open myself up to other people. Usually, its either that I feel as if I have nothing to say or that when I do say something, I usually feel like I've just said something stupid. My social anxiety also usually causes me to stutter a little bit and my replys usually takes a while to come out (causing me to look slow). I think that this causes other people to percieve me as an untelligent person. The only time that I can speak to a stranger as a normal person is when I'm angry. I've been trying to deal with my social anxiety and have seen some improvements. My solution was to work part time in a popular and busy retail store where I'm forced to speak with dozens of customers a day. Since I've only seen a little bit of improvement, I think that I'll be going into therapy later to see if I can get my own anxiety treated.

[theduke]

What part of the Obitz book was most helpful to you? I lent my copy to a friend of mine who was struggling and she returned it after not even reading all of it. However, I found it to be an awesome book and very helpful. So I am curious, what part did you find to be best?

[cplfun13]

Paxil got my life up and running and when it did I was in shock at how much I had been missing and avoiding with this anxiety. I missed out on a lot of my kids school activities because of this anxiety. I had no idea what it was, I thought it was just insecurities in myself. I mentioned it to my doc one day and he read a check list off to me and I fit every symptom. I was releaved and happy, and now I am the social butterfly. Dont hesitate, ask your doc... You'll be amazed....

[whichwayisup]

Paxil got my life up and running and when it did I was in shock at how much I had been missing and avoiding with this anxiety. I missed out on a lot of my kids school activities because of this anxiety. I had no idea what it was, I thought it was just insecurities in myself. I mentioned it to my doc one day and he read a check list off to me and I fit every symptom. I was releaved and happy, and now I am the social butterfly. Dont hesitate, ask your doc... You'll be amazed....

 

Did you do just meds or therapy as well?

 

I'm happy for you, that's great! Good to hear that things are better. Anxiety really SUCKS!!!

[cplfun13]

I just did medication. But every 6 weeks I would check in with my doctor to tell him how it was going. When he initially put me on the meds he also gave me exercises to do to at my own pace. I looked at them as goals and started on them as soon as I began to feel better. I also only did medication for a year and then went off. That was about 6 years ago.

[whichwayisup]

That's neat!

 

I am too scared to do the meds, so I am just doing CBT and doing great. I still have some moments of anxiety, I think I'll always have that in my life, but I can cope now and not let it take over like in the past.

 

It's funny, with Therapy how some issues have come up that I honestly never thought were issues! Things from my past - My father dying when I was 23 and now at 34 I realize I'm terrified of death and being alone...I saw what my mom went through, being alone and learning how to start over again...Yuk. Anyway, I am lucky to have such an amazing therapist who's always there for me and I trust completely.

 

Again, I think you're doing great and it's something I need to hear that we CAN recover and get over anxiety disorders!!

[cplfun13]

Sounds like your doing great also. It doesnt matter how you do it as long as you do it...Good for you!

[Measure ofall Things]

I have my own insecurities and self esteem issues and have learned a few things over the years on how to deal with it (or not).

 

If I'm in a room with one other person I wait until they talk first. They have just as much opportunity to strike up a conversation as I do, so I let them go first. This is because I used to be the one to say something stupid just for the sake of making conversation, and I have seen others do it and realized how much of an idiot I looked like.

 

It doesn't make you a snob. If they're not talking to you, they are just as much to blame as you are. If they do talk to you, you're okay with one or two word answers. You don't have to get into your life story.

 

If you MUST talk, then pay the person a compliment. Relax, try not to ramble, and just enjoy the silence.

 

 

 

 

I do see what you're saying here, but I have to say, it seems as though the attitude you're going in with is not the most friendly-seeming, or positive. The way you word it all is as if you're back is stiff, and you're automatically on the defensive before you've even allowed this 'stranger in the room' a chance to show you who they are. From my experience, you should never be okay with one or two word answers. This is not conducive to healthy, reciprocal, open communication. If you allow you're new interest (whether it be a potential friend or mate) to take advantage of one or two word responses, by asking the kind of questions that require nothing more, then you're setting yourself up for a failed encounter. Same with answering that way yourself. The idea is to get out there and meet people, for any reason: nerworking, friendship, love, etc. You have to guide your new interest into detailed conversation. Ask them questions that require thought. Hey, did you hear about (blank) on the news? What do you think about that?" This tends to get people to open up more, and they appreciate that, because most people, it seems, generally feel that they are not heard. By allowing them to express themselves they become emotionally fulfilled, and respond to that, to you, with open-ness and positivity. Remember, YOU aren't the only one who is dying to talk to people. That stranger could be dying to talk to you as much as you are, and, like nearly everybody, is more than likely just as scared and insecure about approaching you as you are about them. Once you get yourself to see and believe that, it makes it a WHOLE lot easier to take the first step.

 

This of course, is merely my humble opinion.

[winnie_05]

I know what you mean, my boyfriend has made me feel insecure and all he can say to me is "get over it!"

[megabit15]

If you allow you're new interest (whether it be a potential friend or mate) to take advantage of one or two word responses, by asking the kind of questions that require nothing more, then you're setting yourself up for a failed encounter. Same with answering that way yourself. The idea is to get out there and meet people, for any reason: nerworking, friendship, love, etc. You have to guide your new interest into detailed conversation. Ask them questions that require thought. Hey, did you hear about (blank) on the news? What do you think about that?" This tends to get people to open up more, and they appreciate that, because most people, it seems, generally feel that they are not heard.

 

Agreed. BTW- I was on paxil for 6 years. I don't regret ever being on it - it helped tremendously, but other health problems necessitated discontinuing them. The other health problem is resolved now, but I didn't really want to go back on the meds for some reason. I guess they had done their job, and for me, it was time to do something different, but also constructive.

 

I have never been comfortable with people. I didn't know how to talk with them and hate hate hate small talk and large parties seem to thrive on it. In the past year, I picked up a few books on conversation - they actually helped tremendously. Although I've always hated small talk, I realized I was going to have to learn to do it if I was going to *connect* with people on a deeper level. After all, not many people start out revealing who they really are to a stranger. They, like me, need to warm up to people. Small talk is invaluable for this.

 

I really recommend a couple of books that helped me very much:

The pocket guide to small talk: How to talk to Anyone Anytime Anywhere about Anything by Bernardo J. Carducci

and

Conversationally Speaking: Tested new way to increase your Personal and Social Effectiveness by Alan Garner.

 

After applying what I read in the books, I realized that many people were just as self absorbed as I was being by being so scared. Some people I meet I'd like to spend more time with, and some, not as much. Not out of judgement, but more from feeling lack of common interests. BIG difference than feeling like a reject because I'm boring or stupid!! Try it, what do you have to lose?

[enan]

Out of curiousity, has anyone ever experienced social anxiety/depression that was brought on by another disorder such as childhood ADD? How did you deal with it?

[loony]

Measure ofall Things, your first post was spot on!

[MarcoInaros]

I think social anxiety has ruined my life. I am 25 years old, just 1 friend and a few aquaintences, and I haven't kissed a girl or ever been intimate. I am never invited to parties...people don't like being around me because they say I am too quiet and have a mood problem. I am too f***king depressed to be happy. My lack of a social network is destroying me...I am living an unlived life with no memories.

[JS17]

Hey lostjeff - have you tried professional therapy or CBT or medication? your case seems very extreme. I'm sure everyone on this thread would try to help you if you're open to it

[PYT]

I had mild social anxiety but really bad panic attacks and cbt worked real for me.

It is always encouraging to hear about people overcoming any kind of anxiety problem because until you have one I don't think you can really understand how much they casn ruin your quality of life.

[MarcoInaros]

I tried medication when I was in college but the side effects were intolerable. I went to a therapist a few months ago and i went for about 6 sessions. She told me to meet new people through clubs in the area. The problem is that I live in a rural area with not that many people my age and there aren't many clubs here. Also the job I have in retail that has erratic hours and drains me of all of my energy when I get out.

I think my only hope is to move somewhere more populated, get a better job, buy a better car, and start over, literally. Because life right now is unbearable and I am dying inside.

 

I quit the therapy because I couldn't make any progress. I used to read self help all the time but it seems to give disparate advice depending on who the author is. Besides, normal people do not read self help books. Normal, healthy people do not need therapy, medication, or self help, which is why I am trying to avoid such things. In my experience, they seem to exacerbate the problem rather than fix it.

[whichwayisup]

I quit the therapy because I couldn't make any progress.

 

Maybe you didn't click with your therapist. If meds don't work with you and the books aren't doing what they're supposed to do, I would try therapy again. Having the right person definately is the deal breaker! Cognitive Behaviour Therapy would probably do wonders for you as you have social anxiety.

 

Good luck!

[JS17]

LJ - You don't have to live like that. I agree with WWIU, you may not have found the therapist that works for you. Please, please try again. Keep trying until you find one that works for you. You have the power to change your life.

 

If your surroundings are making you unhappy, like living in a rural area, then maybe it's not a bad idea to change things. This won't solve your social anxiety but any change for the better is good for you.

 

The first thing you learn in therapy is that there is no such thing as normal. Everyone has problems. If you had more indepth friendships you would see that too. You would see that all of your friends or aquaintances have some serious problems but you don't see that because you only know them on the surface. Becareful of these illusions, they are dangerous because they're not flawed. Down under the surface, there are certainly flaws.

[MarcoInaros]

I have spoken about my problems with friends before, but they disassociated themselves from me when I did. It is clearly in no ones interest to speak about thier problems to anyone other than a therapist, because once you begin to speak about your problems you become a "downer" and people lose respect for you. Maybe it is different among girls and you cannot relate. Therefore it is in our best interest to put on a facade, to smile, act pleasant, and pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe by ignoring the problem it will go away. But I have never experienced the in depth relationship you speak of, and every time I have tried to initiate one it ruins the friendship.

[whichwayisup]

Get yourself a couple of girls that could be your friend. Join a website that provides help for anxiety, get some online friends.

 

The thing I have found, if people don't know or understand what anxiety is about they won't be able to get what you're going through and support you. I understand exactly what you're saying but to sit and pretend all is OK when it isn't just makes it harder on you.

[JS17]

Well Jeff, you don't want to be down all the time. You're right, people don't want to constantly be brought down. You have to be careful not to dump your problems onto them. They're there to listen and help but you can't just drop everything on them. It sounds like you could use some help learning to relate to people. Try finding a social anxiety site as WWIU suggested. Try finding some hobbies that make YOU happy, that you enjoy. I think you would do well in some group therapy. Check with your local hospital to see if they have anything available. Cheer up, you have people here that will listen and help you if you let us.

[MarcoInaros]

Thanks JS17 and WWIU for the advice. I wish I had a lot of things, like more friends and friends who were girls...but I guess I am not good at forming friendships. I can't describe to you how lonely I have been my whole life. My problems are too complicated to talk about on a forum I think. I post on forums like this whenever I need to vent but rarely is anything solved. I wish I could take a pill that would rev up my personality and get rid of my constant depression...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks JS17 and WWIU for the advice. I wish I had a lot of things, like more friends and friends who were girls...but I guess I am not good at forming friendships. I can't describe to you how lonely I have been my whole life. My problems are too complicated to talk about on a forum I think. I post on forums like this whenever I need to vent but rarely is anything solved. I wish I could take a pill that would rev up my personality and get rid of my constant depression...

 

Hey, positive reinforcement babe! Get your thoughts thinking more positively and that means improving yourself confidence! I know you're sensitive, most people with anxiety are actually and we tend to take everything to heart. That's a positive right there. Giving and nice.

 

I think joining an anxiety website could help you and having online friends will do you some good. Remember, you're annonmous so noone knows who you are. So if you need the help and want to share about your life, there are tons of support forums which can help.