Social Media Damage

[among the pines]

It has been a year since I posted here but I log on daily to read the great posts. It's been almost a year and a half since I had any communication with MM. I broke my NC by pulling up both his Twitter & Linked In profiles yesterday. His Linked In profile starts with "Husband to a wonderful wife".

 

Since then he has blocked me on both. I feel embarrassingly like a stalker now. Plus it's brought up my still there unresolved pain about being dumped in such a horrible manner. I knew the relationship was wrong & I am the one who broke it off. My second mistake (after the big one of even going there with a MM) was actually believing his "you're my best friend" & like statements. As such, I hung around until the bitter end thinking a friend/fellow human being would treat me with a minimum of care & speak to me.

 

I understand the way things happened logically & although I'm much better I'm still somewhat "stuck" when it comes to this. I know social media is not an accurate method of gaging how "happy" or not someone is or the quality of their relationships. I wish I'd never looked at his stupid profiles now Grrrr.

 

So silly to still have feelings for someone who is a cheater/liar & has obviously erased me from his memory or vilified me and moved on with his life.

 

And yes I have been in IC some & I am working on the things that led me to make this huge mistake. It just still amazes me that I fell into a classic text book affair with a MM. Goodness me that affair fog was thick! LS has really helped me see it for what it was. Nothing good comes from a web of deceit. I knew that going in.

[somanymistakes]

Social media is so weird, it's right there constantly for us to look at and obsess over. If someone's passing by you only have to resist the urge to reach out for a few moments and then the chance will be gone but with online stuff it's there forever and at any time you could give in and look and then feel bad about it.

 

mine's wife has started posting all these random hearts-and-flowers things about how much she loves him on his wall on facebook, she never did this before, I can't help thinking she's doing it just to send a message to me. which is probably a silly thing to think, but she does know I'll see it.

[georgia girl]

It's easy to say, "Don't look," but it is much harder to do. However, once you have looked, ask yourself what is truly different in your life since you looked? You haven't had contact in months so it isn't an indicator that you will or won't hear from him. Your friends and family still love you. Your job is still the same, your house the same, your bank balance is the same. Life, in essence, has stayed the same.

 

So, while it sets you back, just remember that it's power to hurt you is limited to the attention you give it. Because other than a little bit of your mind space, he has absolutely no impact on your life anymore. Be empowered by that and put him back in a box and shove the box back under the bed in that dust-bunny filled world where he belongs.

 

Best of luck,

GG

[heartwhole]

It sounds to me like you've put in good effort to examine what led you down this road but perhaps not to grieve the relationship and move on from the pain. When you have done so, whether or not his marriage is happy will not torment you.

 

What inspired you to look yesterday after so long? What could you have seen that would have made you happy, if anything? Were you just "pain shopping" or did a small part of you hope there'd be evidence he was single? Or at least unhappy? And also, I'm sure you know that LinkedIn shows you when you've been viewed, so what were you hoping to gain through that?

[among the pines]

Thank you for the introspective questions. I'm not sure what I was looking for - I definitely had a weak moment of curiosity. I knew he wouldn't be single. I certainly had no intention of sending him a message. Actually I believe there is a way you can go "incognito" on Linked In so you can view profiles. That did not cross my mind at the time, but that is irrelevant anyway.

 

"Pain shopping" is an interesting adjective. I agree what I did definitely has masochistic traits I think I am in a phase where I am questioning whether the relationship, the espoused feelings, etc. on his part were real at all or if everything was smoke & mirrors. I am sure everyone else who has no closure from the other party probably experiences similar feelings.

 

I have always had a hard time letting go of relationships - this was the only "clandestine" one I've ever had, but in the past the people I've broken up with or been broken up with by have always ended with closure and respect for the other person. As I said before, I know nothing good can come from a foundation built on lies and that is pretty much the whole sum of our "association". I will not call it a relationship. I never trusted him.

 

I do hope he is happy for the sake of his family. I have a lot of remorse for my part in it. I have always had a difficult time letting go of people. My Father passed away a few months ago & there is a hole there. That may have something to do with it on a subconscious level. I also haven't dated anyone since this so maybe it's time to get back out there and test the waters.

 

I like what Georgia Girl & SMM said, so thank you. It really has no impact on my life whatsoever except I thought "what does he think" about me/what I did. Which has no bearing on anything! I have to stop worrying what other people think about me, especially in this situation.

 

I just wish I had come back here & posted instead. I really appreciate your comments

[MidnightBlue1980]

It has been a year since I posted here but I log on daily to read the great posts. It's been almost a year and a half since I had any communication with MM. I broke my NC by pulling up both his Twitter & Linked In profiles yesterday. His Linked In profile starts with "Husband to a wonderful wife".

 

Since then he has blocked me on both. I feel embarrassingly like a stalker now. Plus it's brought up my still there unresolved pain about being dumped in such a horrible manner. I knew the relationship was wrong & I am the one who broke it off. My second mistake (after the big one of even going there with a MM) was actually believing his "you're my best friend" & like statements. As such, I hung around until the bitter end thinking a friend/fellow human being would treat me with a minimum of care & speak to me.

 

I understand the way things happened logically & although I'm much better I'm still somewhat "stuck" when it comes to this. I know social media is not an accurate method of gaging how "happy" or not someone is or the quality of their relationships. I wish I'd never looked at his stupid profiles now Grrrr.

 

So silly to still have feelings for someone who is a cheater/liar & has obviously erased me from his memory or vilified me and moved on with his life.

 

And yes I have been in IC some & I am working on the things that led me to make this huge mistake. It just still amazes me that I fell into a classic text book affair with a MM. Goodness me that affair fog was thick! LS has really helped me see it for what it was. Nothing good comes from a web of deceit. I knew that going in.

 

I don't use Twitter but I think it's really odd that his Linked In account says "Husband to a wonderful wife." I really don't see anyone mentioning their personal life at all on it, let alone saying something like that. Based on that fact alone, I would not say the guy is doing A-Ok. I mean seriously, that's really bizarre. It's a business site. And for all you know it was his wife that blocked you. My xmm's wife controls all his social media now and uses it as him.

[among the pines]

Midnight - I have followed your posts closely & appreciate your chiming in. I did not mention this but you second what I was thinking. I'm not sure I've ever seen comments like that on a Linked In profile. The second sentence was about being a father to two fantastic children. It seems odd as though he is trying to convince himself or project the image he wants. At minimum, it appears he has to associate himself with other relationships in order to validate himself on some level. I didn't see anything about who he in the profile. But, those are observations.

 

He told me once how he didn't feel like he had accomplished much in life. I now suspect I was a wiling accomplice in his mid life crisis. That seems to fit the bill.

[heartwhole]

I agree that either he's working super hard on reconciliation or his wife is being super vigilant with his social media. As for whether she's asked or made him post those things or he's done it (either genuinely trying to make things right or disingenuously trying to placate her while he continues to break his vows) on his own, that's impossible for us to speculate on.

 

I was also wondering if since YOU ended it when he didn't want to, maybe he's just angry at you and wants you to know it?

 

I think you just need to accept that the relationship was what it was at the time -- the feelings in that affair bubble were real -- but the bubble burst and they are gone now.

 

I'm sorry for your loss of your dad.

[stillafool]

 

"Pain shopping" is an interesting adjective. I agree what I did definitely has masochistic traits irrors. I am sure everyone else who has no closure from the other party probably expeI think I am in a phase where I am questioning whether the relationship, the espoused feelings, etc. on his part were real at all or if everything was smoke & mriences similar feelings.

 

 

 

 

 

You won't get closure from stalking his social media account. You were the one to break it off so I would assume you got closure then. What was left to find out that you didn't ask at the time? Also it is best not to think that "the wife" is the one posting sweet stuff about them and not him. This type of thinking will keep you stuck feeling that he wants you but she won't let him have you which is not true.

[sandylee1]

Very odd to have that comment on a professional website. I see LinkedIn as business connections.

[FoundMyStrength]

I was also wondering if since YOU ended it when he didn't want to, maybe he's just angry at you and wants you to know it?

 

I think you just need to accept that the relationship was what it was at the time -- the feelings in that affair bubble were real -- but the bubble burst and they are gone now.

 

I also ended my affair, amongthepines, and like you, I still feel a lack of closure. Mostly because I ended mine unilaterally, at a time when I don't think he was expecting it to end. I believe he was both hurt and angry.

 

I think heartwhole is right, though. It's not incompatible to believe that what we had with our xMM was real -- at the time -- and that now that it's been however many months, those feelings are either less present or gone entirely. And that's okay. I still care about xMM, but do I love him the exact same way I did 5 months ago? No way. The horrific pain ensured that couldn't be the case. I think we just need to accept that the same happens for them. Perhaps quicker, but the same process of letting go.

 

That said, I have no doubt that if I were to resume contact with xMM, the flames would flicker higher, and risk resuming the affair. And that's why I maintain NC. Maybe that's another reason why your xMM blocked you. To protect himself, and possibly, you as well.

[freengreen]

Linkedin talking about his wife is weird.. anyway.

 

You knkw how callous that man was. Keep working. Its normal to have lingering feelings but do not feed them. Do not stalk. You will eventually get there. I myself am out of FB to erase everything that triggers me over him.

 

Goodluck

[brigitte 1]

You won't get closure from stalking his social media account. You were the one to break it off so I would assume you got closure then. What was left to find out that you didn't ask at the time? Also it is best not to think that "the wife" is the one posting sweet stuff about them and not him. This type of thinking will keep you stuck feeling that he wants you but she won't let him have you which is not true.

 

Reading an old lovers social media account usually just leads to sadness. The OP will need to condition herself to avoid looking at his stuff which is probably a bunch of crap anyway.

[Southern Sun]

Midnight - I have followed your posts closely & appreciate your chiming in. I did not mention this but you second what I was thinking. I'm not sure I've ever seen comments like that on a Linked In profile. The second sentence was about being a father to two fantastic children. It seems odd as though he is trying to convince himself or project the image he wants. At minimum, it appears he has to associate himself with other relationships in order to validate himself on some level. I didn't see anything about who he in the profile. But, those are observations.

 

He told me once how he didn't feel like he had accomplished much in life. I now suspect I was a wiling accomplice in his mid life crisis. That seems to fit the bill.

 

Totally strange about his LinkedIn profile. Who does that? Could he be trying to mend a little reputation he's created??

 

Besides, based on your user name, you are probably much cooler than him anyway

[among the pines]

Thank you. Yep, I definitely need to exercise self constraint when it comes to not looking at his social media. It set me back a little but no harm no foul; at least I didn't contact him (would not have even entertained the idea).

 

What he has on his Linked In profile does seem really odd. It describes him in relation to others - his wife & children, but it really doesn't say anything about him. Aside from the fact that's just not the kind of content people post on a business profile, it makes me think he really is either trying to hard too convince himself of something or he really has issues with his self identity. That probably is not unique among people who have affairs though.

[Cali408]

So you snuck a peak, you were curious. You didn't call or email him. No big deal.

 

The issue is, on linkedin, you didn't look at him in private view. Now, when he looks at the "people who viewed your profile" there you are, for him, and his wife if she checks is social media to see.

 

He did the right thing blocking you. He did you a favor blocking you. Block him back. If you can't control your urges, I'd suggest deleting social media. But it seems like just a one off. No worries, any bad feeling is just your ego.