My brother's driving really scared me.

[Vesna]

My brother is an angry person most of the time. In his world, every other driver is an idiot. This time, he was the idiot and was way out of control.

 

Driving me home from the countryside on Christmas day was a moment of clarity for me. I knew I wasn't imagining it. The roads were winding and gravelly in parts and he was well over the speed limit. We hit gravel a few times and I was petrified. I asked him to slow down because he was scaring me. I told him he could kill us both. He responded with a sick grin and said nothing. Just kept freaking me out. He was stoned (always is) but on that day he was inebriated from the night before and I observed him sneaking nips of booze into his coffees before we left.

 

He is on Tramadol and Endep for chronic lower back pain. I have mentioned people I know have died from a lethal mix of booze and opiates. Just caring.

 

I confided this to his partner of three years and she said she was afraid of him, as are their combined children. Her experience was even more freaky. On the way back from our mother's, they were on a winding road, he was speeding and hit the guard rail, sending them onto the other side of the road. The children were very scared and he said "it's only a headlight, it can be fixed."

 

They are afraid to get into a car with him now but they have to in order to get to school or in his daughter's case, to her mother's home.

 

In the weeks before the holidays, he threatened suicide and accused his partner of planning to leave him because he is a good as a cripple now. (He isn't, he needs to manage things better.) His emotional violence, often expressed as silent treatment, is distressing to the point where I won't bother texting him to say G'day.

 

The last time he was at my house, I noticed a half a bottle of spirits strategically sticking out of his back pack but I said nothing. He asked me if I wanted to go for a drive to wherever with him but I declined (busy). I will not get into a car with him again. Now, I need to tell him that and it will involve eggshells.

 

He is all the family I have left (our dad topped himself when we were young teens and mother is malignantly nasty to us) and if I have to put my life first, then so be it. No great loss, but I fear for the safety of his kids. I don't dare talk about it with his ex because the Family Court will be involved and she has been waiting for that opportunity for years. If his ex also knew about the year-long persistent head-lice in his home, she would go off the deep end. I could see them on his GFs head when we talked about him and I was keeping my distance. Won't get into her car either on account of that. Those little buggers love car sear covers.

 

His partner didn't mention the lice until we were just about to leave. In some ways I think she is unhygienic and disgusting but it is their life, not mine.

 

It is the wee hours of the morning where I am and need to sleep. I will reply to any responses in the morning. Opinions and input will be greatly appreciated. Peace. Vesna.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Vesna

[Downtown]

My brother is an angry person most of the time. In his world, every other driver is an idiot.... He threatened suicide and accused his partner of planning to leave him because he is a good as a cripple now.

Vesna, if the road rage incidents usually were followed the next day by sincere regret and apologies, I would say you're describing the warning signs for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). You mention no such regret, however. Moreover, the abandonment fear, lack of impulse control, irrational anger, and suicide threat you mention are behavioral symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

As to your brother, it sounds likes he should see a clinical psychologist ASAP to obtain a professional opinion on what issues he is dealing with. Only a professional can make a determination of whether he is suffering from a full-blown disorder.

[Art_Critic]

He sounds like an Alcoholic and Drug addict.

 

Why on earth you would get in the same car with him driving while he is messed up is beyond me...

 

His SO needs to go to some Alanon/Narcanon meetings and it can help siblings as well...

[Vesna]

Why on earth you would get in the same car with him driving while he is messed up is beyond me...

 

Yeah, I ask myself the same question.

 

Downtown, thanks for the list. It looks like it is more pointed towards 'romantic' relationships but I saw a few symptoms in there. I suspected he was controlling his partner in the early stages. If she were to drop something off to me, he told her to just throw it over the fence. Despite his wishes, I welcomed her into the house and we talked about our anxiety, depression and medication issues, among other more savory shared interests.

 

His symptoms have surfaced in the last few months. He is in his late forties and could these traits have been latent/submerged?

[Downtown]

Downtown, thanks for the list. It looks like it is more pointed towards 'romantic' relationships but I saw a few symptoms in there.

Vesna, if your brother exhibits only a few of the 18 BPD red flags at a strong level, you are not describing a strong pattern of BPD warning signs.

 

His symptoms have surfaced in the last few months. He is in his late forties and could these traits have been latent/submerged?

No, I've never heard of BPD or IED being latent for many years in adulthood and then suddenly appearing strongly. The typical onset age for BPD is early teens and for IED it is age 20, if not earlier. If his symptoms surfaced only in the last few months, I would be concerned about some change that started a few months ago: e.g., abusing a new recreational drug, having a head injury, or suffering a mid-life strong hormone change.

[Vesna]

I agree he probably isn't BPD but he is definitely an addict. Since his illness, he has become nasty. His partner's doctor told her to increase her anti-ds in order to cope with him.

 

I think he is abusing the opiates, perhaps because of tolerance. That could explain his new behaviour. I don't dare broach the subject lest I get my head blown off.

 

It would be best for me to simply avoid getting into a car with him again and to stay away from all of them on account of the head-lice. It is my scalp and my bones. I have health issues of my own to attend to.

 

Even his best, long-term friends can't help him because they are all messed up as well.

 

All that said, he has a tendency to be hateful, as do I, thanks to our malignantly N mother. I have been seeing a T for ten years now and am just starting to make progress.

 

Peace, Vesna.