Wife having affair with her boss

[csad]

It's 4am here in the West Coast and I can't sleep. Last night I figured out my wife is having an affair with her boss. I have been in doubt for a while but often thought that I was just paranoid because I trust my wife so much. When we first met and dated, she didn't know how to lie and thus did not dare to lie. She still doesn't know how now but dare to instead. I can never imagine that I'll join the club!

 

I found that she has created a new email account for about a month and only accessed from work computer to chat with her boss. She told me the affair is only about a month, no sex yet, just hand holding and kiss, because she still feels guilty about it. There's no way to know for sure but based on the emails I read it seems about right.

 

We have been married for 7.5 years with a 21-month beautiful daughter. I am a hard working engineer but always spare time with my family. My wife has been at the company for 2.5 years and always says nice things about her boss (that made me worried). We occasionally argue but mostly for minor stuffs. I was kind of hot temper but throughout the years I get much better, she did agree with that. Still sometimes I raised my voice a bit louder than her. Some issues we fight over were like she did not support me in public, or I complained about her shopping habits. But I thought we have solved them completely.

 

So here I am planning for actions. My first would be calling her boss this morning to talk, and I'll ask him to resign from the company. I also give my wife 2 choices: (1) is to leave him, and also leave the company, and try to win me back; (2) Get a divorce and we'll tell the parents immediately. I long for option (1) because I still love her, and having a full family would be best for my daughter; also based the fact that she still feels guilty (if that true) - they had a trip to Sonoma for a morning but it seems from the email that they just walked around.

 

However, for a while now I noticed she didn't say love me anymore, and just a couple days ago, we had argued and she said that she might no longer love me, so she might opt for option (2). It's just that we are quite a traditional Asian family and my relationship with the in-laws is very good, so my wife is afraid of telling the truth to her parents. I am quite sure that she still loves me, throughout the years we dated she was usually not sure about her feeling. She barely read and most of her free time spending on Facebook or chitchat with friends (besides the time with our daughter). I think it's just some disappointments and setting the wrong expectation and the guy jumps in at the right time. In fact, we have already contacted some marriage counseling services a few days ago trying to solve our disagreements.

 

Two things I am not sure are: (1) if I should handle the emails to the company's HR if the guy refused to resign or my wife picks a divorce; (2) should I talk to his wife. He told my wife that they have been legally separated for a while but I highly doubt that (they have 2 kids). I mean, who wouldn't say that his family is not a happy one in order to attract a woman? Anyway, I don't have his wife's contact so I guess I'll ask him. If what he told my wife was correct then there's no reason he would afraid of me telling his (ex)wife. But what if he refuses?

 

I never thought this would happen to me. Just writing this out has already help me relieve a little bit, and I actually don't feel asleep at all. I guess I would welcome any comments anyway.

[Marc878]

First of all cheaters lie a lot. Admitted kissing in an affair meanes it's probably sexual.

 

Don't call him just expose. His work (directly to HR) and his wife. They are not separated. Cheaters lie a lot.

 

Your wife is playing you to buy time. You can talk all you want and that will just keep you in limbo hell longer.

 

Exposure is you're only weapon. Do it with out warning and send evidence. If they have contact the affair will continue. You cannot make her do anything but just talking is weak and you'll find ineffective. Weakness is unnattractive. Strong men take action they don't talk about it.

 

The ones who get throught this best get strong and stay there.

 

Read up it'll help "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

 

Do not cry, beg or plead for your wife. Strength, not weakness at this time

[BuddyX]

First thing's first; Doubt they're NC. So you have to cut that off. They can't talk to each other.

 

Do not talk to him. Go to HR, or talk to his wife (do some research and find out who she is). That should put an end to this.

 

No begging no pleading. No "pick me". Go see an attorney to understand your rights.

 

This is advice you need, if you decide to reconcile. But If you choose to leave, go directly to an attorney and start the paperwork.

[MJJean]

 

However, for a while now I noticed she didn't say love me anymore, and just a couple days ago, we had argued and she said that she might no longer love me, so she might opt for option (2).

 

I am quite sure that she still loves me, throughout the years we dated she was usually not sure about her feeling.

 

She was uncertain about her feelings for you when dating.

 

She has engaged in an affair that quite probably became physical and was certainly emotional.

 

She has said recently that she doesn't think she loves you and that she may opt for divorce.

 

How, out of all that, can you believe she actually loves you???

[Marc878]

Many always want to help hide the affair which just enables it further. You cannot reason with cheaters. There is no logic to an affair. They are in fantasy land.

 

The longer you wait the deeper it goes, etc.

 

Exposure usually ends the affair. Affairs only thrive in secrecy and the dark. Only if the affair ends do you have any chance with your marriage. If you warn them they'll just be prepared for damage control. Oh, he's just a crazy jealous husband.

 

Above all this is your life, family and future. Get strong and protect it.

 

You can't make her do anything but get yourself out of infidelity. She'll either wake up and come along or she won't. If you can't you'll wallow around in this mess much longer.

[csad]

But I want that guy to lose his job!!! So badly. Do you think exposing to HR would do?

[goodyblue]

But I want that guy to lose his job!!! So badly. Do you think exposing to HR would do?

 

Is your wife going to lose her job too? It's only fair.

[kgcolonel]

Here's the way it works....at least in the larger companies in North America....

 

The fact that your wife works for and reports to her boss, her AP, this puts the company in a very compromising position to being sued for sexual harassment. In almost all cases, the "Boss" will be fired, in this case your wife's career would be stalled but would remain employed. If they do anything else, she could sue for sexual harassment as though she was force to "comply" as a condition of employment. It has little to do with her willingly or not going along with the A. Also, many times the HR team will audit expense reports to see if company resources were used to finance the improper relationship.

 

Yes, almost certainly, he would lose his job unless this is the corporate culture at the company.

[csad]

Well, I guess you guys are genius. Figured that she texted him right around the time I wrote this post (she deleted the messages but I know she did it by checking my ATT account). So I confronted her again and this time she admitted that they had oral on that Sonoma trip.

 

She's also leaning toward having a divorce because she said she's so in love with that guy, the feeling is even much more than what she got 10 years ago with me (I was her first love). I could not believe what I heard. So I guess I can't do anything with them getting together afterward. I feel so bad for my little daughter. Now I just want that guy (or them both) to lose job badly. Do you think exposing to HR would do?

[Marc878]

Nothing but lies is all you'll get except for some trickle truthing herd and there.

 

He's been screwing her too.

 

If it were me I'd quit talking and start doing. Exposure to HR, his wife with evidence.

 

Talk is weak action is strong. Once it's out he'll throw her under the bus. You can recover deleted phone messages if Fonelab, etc

 

Quit talking to your wife. Take off your ring and move her out of your bedroom.

 

People treat you how you let them. If you're weak and passive around this you'll continue to get disrespected.

[kgcolonel]

Just a follow on question for you:

 

It sounds as though your wife knows that you know about her affair....why on earth would you want to stay with a woman who, after being discovered of betraying her husband would you see her as a viable partner?

 

Maybe in a business perspective, this is like a comptroller who is found to be embezzling from the company to still being pursued by the company to continue to handle the finances of said company.....it just doesn't make sense to me.

 

I know you likely love her and likely are playing the pick me game, which as everyone here will tell you does not work, but I just can't see this as a balanced relationship.

 

I would suggest that an immediate decision is made AFTER you expose her boss to both HR and his wife and your wife to your respective families. Thus the cards are on the table. BTW, does it matter significantly to you if she is lying about whether or not they actually had sex? To some it does not increase the betrayal and to some it is the nail that cannot be removed from the coffin.....if for you it is the final nail....make the decision for her. Pack either your or her s__t and move on....

[Marc878]

It sounds like you are laying down, letting her have full control and walking all over you.

 

Living in fear will get you treated like dirt.

 

Stop it. You have value start using it.

 

They are lying cheaters. Talk is cheap. Get moving

[Marc878]

This affair is typical. Nothing special. Your wife is no special snowflake.

 

It's called cheater script.

 

If you can't stand up and take control you'll get a lot more of what you're getting.

 

Cut out the talking. You can't control her or make her do anything. Actions well planned and executed. If you can't do that you'll get to linger in the limbo hel you're in for a long time.

 

It's up to you. Roll over and take it or go your own way.

[Marc878]

Do not make the mistake of trying to nice her back, hide their affair and live on a sliver of hope it all just go away.

 

This also happens all the time.

 

Oh, don't write her stupid letters poring your heart out, etc.

 

Affairs trump everything. It's like a drug addiction that why if they are together or in contact it continues

[Marc878]

You'll get good advice/direction here. It'll do you no good if you don't use it.

 

The Calvary isn't coming. It's up to you. Get strong and forge your own life or take what she gives you.

[kgcolonel]

Do not make the mistake of trying to nice her back, hide their affair and live on a sliver of hope it all just go away.

 

This also happens all the time.

 

Oh, don't write her stupid letters poring your heart out, etc.

 

Affairs trump everything. It's like a drug addiction that why if they are together or in contact it continues

 

Marc is exactly right here....trying to nice her back only makes you look pathetic and weak. Don't lose your cool just report him to HR and send the emails to her family and yours. You wont have to say anything else. This is her mess to deal with not yours.

 

This action also is IMO the most likely step to end the A as has been said, Affairs thrive in darkness but when light hits it, they are seen for what they are, underhanded, dishonest and deplorable.

[Marc878]

You like most don't want to make her mad thinking it'll push her away. She's already gone. Reality is about the only thing that will wake her up. Exposure.

 

Living in fear will get you nothing but more of the same.

 

Better get moving

[csad]

Thank you guys. I guess I'll just trick him to get his wife's contact and expose everything.

[csad]

I was initially thought that she still loves me it's just one moment of stupidity. And read in this post people actually applauded the guy who decided to talk to the boss and ask him to resign.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/416228-my-wifes-affair-her-boss

[OatsAndHall]

1. There's no point in demanding that he resign from the company. You cannot force him to do so and you'll just create a giant sh-t storm for yourself if you do. You're basically threatening with blackmail which could damage your career and future. You can approach HR with the emails but there's no guarantee that they'll do anything. Firing someone over this kind of stuff is far trickier than people realize. You honestly need PHYSICAL proof (pictures) of an inappropriate relationship before an HR department will risk a lawsuit.

 

2. Your wife has broken a sacred trust and that cannot be undone. Especially given that she was sneaky enough to set up a separate email account. Your solution to this is to make her grovel and beg and "prove her love". That's also a waste of time and energy: she's proven she doesn't respect the marriage already. I seriously doubt that you will ever trust your wife again. She bucked nearly 8 years of marriage to live in a fantasy land with her boss. F- that.

 

3. At the heart of this, you are hurt and you are angry (rightfully so). You are reacting the same way I did when I found out about my ex-wife: you're trying to gain some level of control over the situation. That just isn't going to happen. I was the same way when I found out about my ex-wife and her affair. I made a lot of demands but I knew that I was going to waste too much time and energy trying to "keep her in line" when I didn't trust her. You cannot control what people say or do. You can control how you react to it.

 

4. I would file for a divorce ASAP, establish a parenting plan and tell her to get out of the house. Pull up that email account and make copies of of all of the emails in you live in a state that doesn't use "no fault" laws. You will want to be able to show that she was having an affair in court and that will help you gain 50/50 custody of your child and also keep you from paying alimony/maintenance and child support. This is way harder than it sounds but you need to pull your emotions out of this long enough to view it as a bad business deal, cover your a-- and move on.

[csad]

That guy just called my wife, of course I picked up, and guess what, he said that he didn't try to attract her, but that was her intention instead. You know my wife's story! And he didn't dare to give me his wife's contact. Thought they are separated?

Edited February 4, 2017 by csad

[BuddyX]

Here's a slogan.

"Disregard Females. Acquire Currency". Check urban dictionary.

 

That should be your motto for the next year or so.

 

You just learned your best friend stabbed you in the back. If she told you the truth at least that's a stab in the front.

 

Sh*t's about to go down at work. The OM will plead to stay with his wife. Your wife will get kicked to the curb. And crawl back to you. Seen it a million times.

 

Take care of yourself my friend. The next 6 months will be brutal.

Edited February 4, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[aliveagain]

Expose to anyone with influence over your wife like her parents. Hold off on telling HR until you have a chance to talk to a lawyer. If she looses her job and you divorce your support payments may go through the roof. The chances that full on sex happened is very high specially when they are alone in a romantic setting like wine country California. They always minimize about the amount of sex because she wants to keep you as her back up in case O/M doesn't leave his wife. Another big lie is that they used protection. Get tested for STD's, even if she told the truth and it was just kissing and oral, they both involve the exchange of bodily fluids.

 

Change your banking, do not finance her affair. Find the other mans wife and expose him, even if you have to hire a service to do so. His phone number may be on her phone hidden under a woman's name, google it and you should get his home address. Exposure is still the best way to kill an affair. She let a predator into your marriage, being nice won't help you save it. Move her stuff out of the bedroom, let her know how hard life without will be like. The affair wouldn't have happened if your wife didn't want it, put your anger where it belongs. Expose, expose, expose. Google the "180" and make it your new way of life.

[csad]

He hasn't given me his wife's phone number. But I guess if I send the emails to HR, I could also risk being sued for blackmailing right? After all those emails are not mine.

 

Btw, I found his home address based on the phone number

Edited February 4, 2017 by csad

[aliveagain]

There is one very aggressive thing you might try. Go to their office and ask to see other man, when alone with him tell him he has 30 seconds to put his wife on the phone or your walking into HR and exposing him to a possible lawsuit. He is her boss. Still think getting a PI to track her down is the least complicated way to handle this. Put a VAR in her car(voice activated recorder) you can buy them at BestBuy for about $50. Velcro it under one of her seats, that's usually where they will have most of their phone conversations. Could you get the number he called from, google it?