ShatteredLady Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 The first consultation with a lawyer is often free AND (it's my understanding) that once you have spoken to a lawyer your wife can't employ him/her. I've been where you are & it's the most awful thing. It was a nightmare rollercoaster. I'm so very sorry. There aren't words... Please try to take care of yourself. I couldn't eat or sleep. My blood pressure went through the roof. Remember that your GP is experienced in this. He can help you. Adultery severely effected my health. It's one of the worst kinds of stress. Stress has terrible effects on the body. Don't turn to alcohol, no matter how tempting! It effects judgement & health. Things are EVEN WORSE the next morning! Try to eat & drink plenty of water. Short term, sleeping pills &/or antidepressants can really help but be careful. Talking to others & getting sound legal advise helps to calm the mind. It really does. In my opinion his wife NEEDS to know. It's the right thing to do! You would want to know. It will help stop the affair in its tracks. She will be watching him like a hawk & could help getting him out of the company. Best wishes. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 If the date and time, etc is at work or related it doesn't matter. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BenchCoach Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 If you know where they live and have evidence(emails) of the affair, then you should definitely forward them to his wife. Copy and package them in a nice envelope and hand them to his wife in person. Then, you do the same with HR department. The company may very well have a "no fraternizing" with subordinates clause. I suggest you do this now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 If you tell HR, they will probably both be looking for another job at some point. I can't imagine any company who will support a manager that has an affair with a subordinate - given sexual harassment legislation. You are obviously angry and feeling betrayed. But, exacting revenge won't give you the satisfaction you are seeking. It only lowers you to their level... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Ok I seriously don't know what to do now. I found his wife's name and phone number and called, but I guess he predicted and turned off the phone. This afternoon I will talk with the parents. They live abroad so late this afternoon is their morning. Otherwise, I plan to come to the company on Monday just to report the affair. Then I'm done with it and get ready for the divorce. We share names in the house title so I guess I can't kick her out. Also, it seems hiring a lawyer for the divorce is too costly so I won't do that. We'll have to figure out ourselves. I can't wait to get all this done! This is why you need to send a couriered letter that requires her signature, he can't accept it for her if you instruct that only she can accept it. Sounds like this may not be his first rodeo, he knows how to stop you from accessing his wife and has probably made up some crazy story about you to her. You have him by his b*lls friend, the visions of fluffy clouds and unicorns in his fantasy world just turned into the reality of his retirement funds flushing down the toilet. He was never leaving his wife, your wife fell for his b*llsh*t and gave him what he wanted. This is the fastest I've ever seen a wayward spouse thrown under a bus on this site. Your always strongest at time of confrontation, take all you can. Daddy-in-law is not going to take this well, he is all about saving face. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 If you tell HR, they will probably both be looking for another job at some point. I can't imagine any company who will support a manager that has an affair with a subordinate - given sexual harassment legislation. You are obviously angry and feeling betrayed. But, exacting revenge won't give you the satisfaction you are seeking. It only lowers you to their level... IMO consequences give some closure. Plus if the marriage has a chance the relationship and/or contact has to end. How does exposing the truth lower him to cheater status? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Just curious, does your WW know you have spoken to and or intend to notify his wife? That may begin to clear the affair fog she is in. She should also know that she'll be thrown under to bus at the company if you chose to report the boss sub affair....not that she'll be terminated but that he will blame her...etc. just like he did when you spoke to him....however, she may have actually pursued him Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 IMO consequences give some closure. Plus if the marriage has a chance the relationship and/or contact has to end. How does exposing the truth lower him to cheater status? I agree. You're not scooping to their level. You're just doing what's right. Now, you're not obligated to do it. But Personally, it will provide some sense of closure. I've been on these forums for a while, I do not recall one case where the spouse regretted exposing the affair to the workplace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BenchCoach Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 This has nothing to do with "revenge." If this man is married, his wife has a right to know what is going on behind her back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 This has nothing to do with "revenge." If this man is married, his wife has a right to know what is going on behind her back. Additionally, there is nothing to say that OPs wife is the only one....chances are she isn't which will also open the door to potential STDs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 (edited) IMO consequences give some closure. Plus if the marriage has a chance the relationship and/or contact has to end. How does exposing the truth lower him to cheater status? I'm just not a vengeful person. For me, the consequence of the affair would be the end of the marriage. I can understand wanting to tell his wife, because she needs to know that her husband has been unfaithful. But destroying lives, losing careers, and telling her family would not be something I would ever chose to do. I would leave it to her to explain to her family why the marriage ended. I can appreciate why you would want to do this, given the anger and betrayal you are feeling. But IMHO, such hurtful and vengeful actions reflect a person's character. To each their own and you never know how you would respond until you are in that exact position, but I don't think it would be for me. Edited February 4, 2017 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BenchCoach Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good men do nothing." - Edmund Burke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 I'm just not a vengeful person. For me, the consequence of the affair would be the end of the marriage. I could understand wanting to tell his wife, because she needs to know that her husband has been unfaithful. But destroying lives, losing careers, and telling her family would not be something I would ever chose to do. I can appreciate why you would want to do this, given the anger and betrayal you are feeling. But IMHO, such hurtful and vengeful actions reflect a person's true character. It just wouldn't be for me. Bailey, I get you but here are some things that might be worth a thought: She isn't listening to her husband who wants to save the Marriage but may listen to her family in an attempt to save the M. Also, the husband doesn't want to be blame shifted on the demise of the M. The career thing, the OM is the wife's boss, he is praying on this man's wife albeit she is compliant at the moment but it is improper as a boss / manager to have this type of relationship with a direct report. The company can chose their course of action but they should know. The Other wife may also be exposed to STDs if the OPs wife isn't the only employee he is sleeping with. These are all non-revengeful reasons for exposure. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 (edited) "An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind." Mahatma Gandhi I understand. There are reasons for telling his spouse and this type of behavior is not acceptable in the workplace (given that he is her boss). But then, divorce her. They will ultimately have to deal with the consequences of their actions and get exactly what they deserve. Edited February 4, 2017 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BenchCoach Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 It's not about them getting "what they deserve." It's about doing the right thing- nothing more. You don't just sit idly by and hope for the best in these situations. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 He like most will not want to divorce up front. Which means the affair has to end. Exposure is the only weapon he has. If the contact doesn't end the affair will continue. There is nothing wrong with consequences but a lot if not most are conflict avoidant which lets you get walked on. no one should go through life being a doormat 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Seriously if you can't even afford a good lawyer to deal with your divorce, then it may be on your best interest to make your exit from this sham of a marriage as graceful as possible. Forget about exposure, getting back at her, etc. Also don't bother expose the affair as now your wife is too deep in her fog. There's no point in exposure except a fleeting feeling of satisfaction. You may argue that telling the ombw is the right thing to do but right now you should look out for yourself. You should avoid all of this drama and focus on getting your divorce done asap, hopefully settled via an agreement. Also talk to your parents or friends for emotional support. Right now you're in the pits but eventually it gets better, I promise. Just focus on you and only you. Best of luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 4, 2017 Share Posted February 4, 2017 Other man knows what his company's policies are, he is in management. This is why he is blocking csad, he is sh*tting his pants right now and expecting csad's wife to put pressure on him to not make trouble. His world is about to fall apart and the last thing he wants to see on Monday is csad walking into his office. csad, have your list of requirements ready if reconciliation is a possibility, think about a postnuptial agreement giving you the majority of assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity because her word and promises don't mean much right now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author csad Posted February 4, 2017 Author Share Posted February 4, 2017 My biggest concern is the 2-year-old daughter. I love her very much. I guess we'll have to share the time with her but it's hard to imagine not seeing her everyday. The in-laws definitely will have some pressures on both of us; however, until my wife sees by herself her real boss I don't think it's matter. Like all of you say, I am now sure she will suffer because the other guy is just taking advantage of her, he will never leave his family. I still feel terrible but at the same time stronger now. I now see that she's gone. The next step is to get the divorce quick. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 What's wrong with telling his wife? I want to do it badly Also, my wife won't do the sexual harassment sue, so what's the point of exposing to HR now? I might be sued back for obtaining emails from others? Do not give the emails to HR. That being said, you do not need the emails to write a letter to HR telling them what your wife has told you about the affair including the trip. Do not say oral sex, just say that she admits to having sex with him, and that as her boss he has helped her career. Then tell HR to ask each of them if they want further details. Copy in the President of the company as well as the CFO. If this letter gets the company to ask them questions, they will either confirm the affair, or deny it which will make their relationship difficult to maintain as the company investigates it. They will be looking to see if the boss gave advantages to her over others, and there will be almost always people that were not treated as nice by the boss that will say that he did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author csad Posted February 5, 2017 Author Share Posted February 5, 2017 I just had a great evening. Came to his house I got to talk to his wife, there were some policemen involved in the middle of the way . Such a calm and nice lady; although she admitted that today is the worst day of her life. As expected, they are living happily, not like he told my wife that they are separated; although in his story he never told my wife so. I got to stand on my wife's side on this, I mean, every married guy would say that he doesn't have a happy family in order to get to a woman. According to his wife, he will resign, but I'm not sure when. If he does, I don't see the point of reporting the affair to HR anymore. As someone mentioned, it might be better that my wife keeps her job so in the divorce I won't have to support her. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Here's the way it works....at least in the larger companies in North America.... The fact that your wife works for and reports to her boss, her AP, this puts the company in a very compromising position to being sued for sexual harassment. In almost all cases, the "Boss" will be fired, in this case your wife's career would be stalled but would remain employed. If they do anything else, she could sue for sexual harassment as though she was force to "comply" as a condition of employment. It has little to do with her willingly or not going along with the A. Also, many times the HR team will audit expense reports to see if company resources were used to finance the improper relationship. Yes, almost certainly, he would lose his job unless this is the corporate culture at the company. How can you file your boss for sexual harrassment if you willingly engaged in an affair with him ? That doesn't make any sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) I just had a great evening. Came to his house I got to talk to his wife, there were some policemen involved in the middle of the way . Such a calm and nice lady; although she admitted that today is the worst day of her life. As expected, they are living happily, not like he told my wife that they are separated; although in his story he never told my wife so. I got to stand on my wife's side on this, I mean, every married guy would say that he doesn't have a happy family in order to get to a woman. According to his wife, he will resign, but I'm not sure when. If he does, I don't see the point of reporting the affair to HR anymore. As someone mentioned, it might be better that my wife keeps her job so in the divorce I won't have to support her. You need to still expose to HR. Exposing and consequences help the affair to become difficult. Hopefully you have moved finances into your name only and closed her credit cards. Demand that your wife move out now. Give her an hour to pack and leave. Stop making it easy for her to remain comfortable. No one changes while they are comfortable. Stop being so nice to her - she has totally screwed you and your life over! Edited February 5, 2017 by S2B 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Does MM have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 You're about to see a side of your wife you have never seen before. It will be quite amusing. Get your popcorn ready. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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