Just a Guy Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Hi Buddy, can you describe exactly what that side(behaviour) is like? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 How can you file your boss for sexual harrassment if you willingly engaged in an affair with him ? That doesn't make any sense. How will other women in his department feel?...His behavior & promoting the OP's wife tell other women the only way to get ahead in the company is to get 'under' the boss! Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Good job with exposure, your wife is going to go through the roof when she finds out, reality will set in quickly since everything O/M told her about his marriage was a lie to get some sex on the side, she is the one in the office that fell for it. She is seeing you in a new light, a much stronger light. Other man must have sh*t his pants when he saw you at his door. Did his wife say that this has happened before? Did she want any proof? Did her POS husband finally confess? A no contact must be in place until he resigns, put a short fuse on his time to resign. Treat him with the same curtesy he treated you, f**k him. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Hi csad, why were the police involved? Was there any violence or was it due to some other reason? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Hi csad, why were the police involved? Was there any violence or was it due to some other reason? Thanks. Yeah I would like to know this as well... So I am going to clarify some of this for you. A lot of us do a stream of consciousness as we write in these posts... 1) The affair has been going on for longer than a month, most likely. They got yahoo accounts so it could not be tracked by the company IT department. They must have gotten worried that someone at work was on to them. 2) Obviously, you did the right thing telling the wife. But why did the po po come out. I guess he was there and got violent??? 3) Your wife has been having a full on physical including intercourse if you had not figured that out yet. As you will come to learn, she was using trickle truth with you. Which is a cheaters twisted way of letting a little or less important amount of truth to come out a little at a time. They are basically covering their a**. 4) Your marriage is done. She does not love you and she may never have ever loved you. Accept this and move on. 5) You daughter is young and she will adjust to the two of you being divorced. She will be fine. 6) Don't believe everything that the OM's wife tells you about him resigning, she is financially tied to him and he may just lie to her about whatever. She may out of self preservation give in on some of this when it finally "sets in" for her as to what he has done. 7) You still need to expose to HR at her company without warning. Like everyone has said, there is no way that it is black mail and the company will want to protect their interests. That may mean firing both of them or just the OM/Boss. 8) Your wife has a history of working and earning a certain amount of money. If she gets fired she will have to get a new job and it should not effect the divorce settlement. 9) You have to get a lawyer. Borrow money or sell something but you have to get a lawyer. This stuff is too tricky to navigate by yourself, no matter how smart you are. If you take these steps it will empower you and this is what you need to do. Stop worrying about you wife's feelings. If she wakes up she will come back to you crying about all of her mistakes, do not buy into any of that. Overall, stop talking to her about everything except your child and the divorce. Stay strong... Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Hi Buddy, can you describe exactly what that side(behaviour) is like? Thanks. Couple examples were given above ^^. In my case, my wife was the strongest and most stubborn person. According to her, She was never wrong. Well, it got interesting when I asked her to pay for the divorce. I was entitled to six figures in alimony. But I just wanted to my peace and quiet and decline the alimony. Had a great guy coaching me through the process. He said, stick to yes or no questions. I asked if she would pay for the divorce. She said "No" because "im not friendly enough". I hung up the phone. It went from "you're an Ahole" text messages at 3pm, to "why are you acting this way" at 5, to "can we talk" at 6pm. And finally at 8pm, "Fine you get what you want". Mind you, I didn't say a word through the entire process. If your wife is normally sweet, you're about to see her call you every nasty word in the book. If she's more cold blooded, she'll try to win you with her kindness. But no matter what, she'll use sex as the ultimate tool. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I just had a great evening. Came to his house I got to talk to his wife, there were some policemen involved in the middle of the way . Such a calm and nice lady; although she admitted that today is the worst day of her life. As expected, they are living happily, not like he told my wife that they are separated; although in his story he never told my wife so. I got to stand on my wife's side on this, I mean, every married guy would say that he doesn't have a happy family in order to get to a woman. According to his wife, he will resign, but I'm not sure when. If he does, I don't see the point of reporting the affair to HR anymore. As someone mentioned, it might be better that my wife keeps her job so in the divorce I won't have to support her. Your wife upfront will not want to believe the truth. There is no excuse for infidelity. You're wife side in this is invalid. Exposure half done may come back to haunt you. Continued contact = ongoing affair. As in most cases the affair will trump everything. The truth doesn't matter nor will everyone knowing cause the affair to just necessarily stop. Like most you'll want to try R but that can't happen until it's completely over. Finish it!!! This isn't over yet 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Couple examples were given above ^^. In my case, my wife was the strongest and most stubborn person. According to her, She was never wrong. Well, it got interesting when I asked her to pay for the divorce. I was entitled to six figures in alimony. But I just wanted to my peace and quiet and decline the alimony. Had a great guy coaching me through the process. He said, stick to yes or no questions. I asked if she would pay for the divorce. She said "No" because "im not friendly enough". I hung up the phone. It went from "you're an Ahole" text messages at 3pm, to "why are you acting this way" at 5, to "can we talk" at 6pm. And finally at 8pm, "Fine you get what you want". Mind you, I didn't say a word through the entire process. If your wife is normally sweet, you're about to see her call you every nasty word in the book. If she's more cold blooded, she'll try to win you with her kindness. But no matter what, she'll use sex as the ultimate tool. What they fail to understand is you don't value that sex in the same way anymore because it is no longer innocent and pure. She dirtied it, it's now tainted by another man and for the rest of her life some remnant of that will always remain. Even if you reconcile that white elephant will always be around somewhere. You can learn to live with it but you will never forget. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 How many people on this thread ( not someoneo you know or heard about) exposed their spouse at work? What was the outcome? Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 [/b] What they fail to understand is you don't value that sex in the same way anymore because it is no longer innocent and pure. She dirtied it, it's now tainted by another man and for the rest of her life some remnant of that will always remain. Even if you reconcile that white elephant will always be around somewhere. You can learn to live with it but you will never forget. ^^ So true. I don't care what a Spouse say. I.e. "I forgive. I forgot". That's all bull crap. I'm speaking strictly for Male WS. Once you imagine your sweet little wife chugging another man's €ock, you'll never be the same. That picture will pop in your head when you least expect it. My ex taught me that not every "I love you" is real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 How many people on this thread ( not someoneo you know or heard about) exposed their spouse at work? What was the outcome? I did. This was days after I had kicked her out when I found out she was at his house, and I took most everything she owned and put it on his porch while she was still there. He was the HR mgr where they worked, she was a peon. So I went to the big guy himself with my proof. He got fired. Shortly afterwards, she in turn had to quit bc they only had one car and she had no way to get there anymore once he got another job somewhere else. According to my two daughters, they have never recovered financially. This was in late 2003. He has bounced around from low paying job to low paying job ever since....and she works for just a little over minimum wage. My daughter tells me that he's now working as a security guard. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 I did. This was days after I had kicked her out when I found out she was at his house, and I took most everything she owned and put it on his porch while she was still there. He was the HR mgr where they worked, she was a peon. So I went to the big guy himself with my proof. He got fired. Shortly afterwards, she in turn had to quit bc they only had one car and she had no way to get there anymore once he got another job somewhere else. According to my two daughters, they have never recovered financially. This was in late 2003. He has bounced around from low paying job to low paying job ever since....and she works for just a little over minimum wage. My daughter tells me that he's now working as a security guard. Does she still take good care of her daughters? Does your ex work? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) Does she still take good care of her daughters? Does your ex work? When this happened, my daughters were 13 and 10. I got custody. She would give around $130/month for child support. She'd see them maybe once every other month. She was never a good mom, so they never missed her, the didn't want to stay with her, and they never asked to go to her house. They're both grown now, and their relationships with her are kind of like friendly acquaintances. Neither have a mother-daughter relationship with her. Edit: and yes, she works at a car parts factory, making a little over minimum wage. Edited February 5, 2017 by GoldenR 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 His wife has a right to know about what is going on but you could be wrapped up in their potential divorce if you push it. She would probably be using the information you gathered from you to nail him to the wall. You could easily end up in court if there's kids involved. I would just focus on doing what you need to do for yourself and your daughter. The hell with your wife and the hell with this dude. I found out my ex-wife had stopped wearing her wedding ring a week and half after the split. And was hanging out with the ex boyfriend (who was married) that I had always had an issue with. We split in the first place because she wouldn't cut contact with this guy, went into business with him and his family and expected me to be okay with it. Then she had the nerve to talk about leaving me when I was angry about all of it. I was temped to do A LOT of stuff at the time: contact him, contact his wife, etc..etc.. But, it would have been a gigantic waste of my time and energy. He ended up split from his wife, moved into the home my ex and I bought together. Many of her friends were contacting me when we were split and I told them EVERYTHING instead of just ignoring them. One of them told me to divorce her as I already planned to do. And, of course, all of this got back to her and I had to put up with her ranting and raving over it. Not only did these friends trash her behind her back but they all ended up spending time with her AND the new/old boyfriend after the divorce went down. So, again, waste of time. I would just focus on protecting yourself emotionally and financially at this point. Again, file divorce papers and a parenting plan tomorrow and tell her to get the hell out of the house. She can reap what she sowed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Hi Oats, do you mean to say you lost your house to your Ex wife? Was it that or did she buy you out of your equity? Are she and her BF still together and are they married? How long ago was this? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 When this happened, my daughters were 13 and 10. I got custody. She would give around $130/month for child support. She'd see them maybe once every other month. She was never a good mom, so they never missed her, the didn't want to stay with her, and they never asked to go to her house. They're both grown now, and their relationships with her are kind of like friendly acquaintances. Neither have a mother-daughter relationship with her. Edit: and yes, she works at a car parts factory, making a little over minimum wage. So your ruining her career at thAt company didn't affect her child rating. What of the guy? Does he have kids? How does he care for them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author csad Posted February 5, 2017 Author Share Posted February 5, 2017 Hi csad, why were the police involved? Was there any violence or was it due to some other reason? Thanks. Well there were some heated arguments when he saw me at his door and then some punches here and there. I am not proud of that but I don't feel ashamed at all. Btw, a little bit off topic, is there any place where I can find out the meaning of all those abbrevs you guys use? I got some but not be sure about some others. MM, WS, POS, etc. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Well there were some heated arguments when he saw me at his door and then some punches here and there. I am not proud of that but I don't feel ashamed at all. Btw, a little bit off topic, is there any place where I can find out the meaning of all those abbrevs you guys use? I got some but not be sure about some others. MM, WS, POS, etc. Thanks MM= married man WS= wayward spouse POS= piece of ***** OW=other woman OM= other man AP=affair partner The good thing is you got some closure and it's off your chest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 No arrests = no harm done. I'm glad his wife now knows. What's your wife's reaction? Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Hi Oats, do you mean to say you lost your house to your Ex wife? Was it that or did she buy you out of your equity? Are she and her BF still together and are they married? How long ago was this? Thanks. We have been divorced for nearly two years now. I agreed to let her keep the house as it is the only home that my former-stepsons have ever had, it's in a good school district and we both worked hard to get them to that place. I could have forced her to sell the home but the boys would have ended up been booted from the home they love and back into some sh-tty apartment. And, it wouldn't have benefited me to sell the home, even if the boys weren't involved. We hadn't built up any equity in the home, the property values had dipped and I probably would have ended up shelling out a few grand that I didn't have. My name is still on the mortgage but that will change soon as the bank will allow her to refinance in her own name within the next few months. That's a long story. I had to put my anger and ego aside for the betterment of the kids. Yes, she is still with the ex-boyfriend and I have no idea if they plan on getting married or not. Her personal life is her personal life and I don't care. Some people have called me weak for not booting her and the kids from the home, especially after the boyfriend moved in. She also stopped letting me see them after he moved in.. I really had to stop, take a step back and focus on what was best for those kids, regardless of the situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Hi csad, MM stands for Married Man, WS is for Wayward Spouse and POS is for Piece of S..t as far as I know. There is a sticky somewhere but some one else will have to help you with that. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 (edited) I would not go the your wife's employer expecting them to be the marriage police. There has been no sexual harrassment here. Your wife has been a willing participant. What might happen is they value her boss more than your wife. They could opt to fire your wife and keep the boss. Edited February 5, 2017 by Simple Logic Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 So your ruining her career at thAt company didn't affect her child rating. What of the guy? Does he have kids? How does he care for them? Nope. Not at all. After she had our second daughter, she pretty much decided she didn't want to be a mother. Our youngest was born with a heart defect and spent the first two and a half months of her life in the hospital. I spent every day there with her, only going home to get clean clothes. My XW refused to stay there even one night with her because it wasn't comfortable. So while I bonded the way a mother should with my youngest,my XW became abusive in every sense of the word to my oldest. She was "stuck at home with her" as she put it, and that drove her crazy. So bc of that, I became a hero to my oldest bc I'd protect her from mom. Over the next 10+ years, she never changed. And pretty much still hasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author csad Posted February 5, 2017 Author Share Posted February 5, 2017 Yeah I would like to know this as well... So I am going to clarify some of this for you. A lot of us do a stream of consciousness as we write in these posts... 3) Your wife has been having a full on physical including intercourse if you had not figured that out yet. As you will come to learn, she was using trickle truth with you. Which is a cheaters twisted way of letting a little or less important amount of truth to come out a little at a time. They are basically covering their a**. Stay strong... "Trickle truth" is a perfect term. In fact the night I found out she used exactly that. Throughout my several confrontations she went from "nothing sexual" to "oral but only he did for her" to "she did for him too" As some of you asked about his wife. She didn't know the whole truth (maybe still not even now, like me) until talking to me. He told her he had a feeling for my wife and that's it, nothing happens. And even after I left, her husband still did not confess the whole truth. She did ask me for the evidence and I sent her all the emails when I got home to judge what they could do in 4 hours in a hotel room, so I think she has a much clearer picture now. I am pretty sure that she's not financially worried, they are pretty rich with several homes and in the past she had asked for a divorce once (several years ago, not recently) due to his mom stood on their way. But they have 2 kids and she mentioned to me that if she keeps her marriage, it's all because of the kids. When I talked to her on the phone after I got home, she said that he told her something like "I am very scared. Do I look scared to you? I'm worried that you will ask for a divorce again". All lies, all pillow talks and I feel bad for her if she falls for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 5, 2017 Share Posted February 5, 2017 Scared is, when the BS has to go to the clinic to get tested. That's fear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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