Wife having affair with her boss

[goodyblue]

I guess both . He practices Teakwondo but I also have my own techniques . He called the police. I could send him to jail but he could also send me to, so in the end we assume nothing serious (to the police). No charge at all. But I think he's really scared of what he will lose.

 

This sounds ridiculous. Just get a lawyer and don't put yourself in any more bad situations with him.

[aliveagain]

Reading again and found this is so true. Last night when I was at his place and his wife was there, he tried to tell his wife that I was just a crazy jealous husband

 

Cheaters are often predictable. As unique as they think they are their actions are predictable almost as if they are following the same game plan as thousands of others that have posted before them. You see the same actions here time after time after time. This is why those that have been here for a while make recommendations that are proven to work. The 180 is one of the best tools available for a betrayed spouse. It helps you distance yourself so you can make decisions without their interference. The goal is always to take yourself out of infidelity even if that means leaving them behind. You can't control their actions but you can yours. If you don't see or feel their remorse don't waste a lot of time, you can't fix this by yourself.

[Marc878]

The 180 is here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[csad]

As some of you expect, and I do too, she came to me to say sorry, that she will terminate her relationship with the guy because now she realizes that he's total liar and coward. She won't come to work until knowing for sure that the guy has resigned and she will start looking for a new job. She wants to work on our marriage.

 

I told her she's already gone to me. The fact is that, if that guy was not a liar, e.g., he's really going to divorce soon, she would leave me without hesitation. I just want her to move out.

 

As much as I want to save our marriage, at least for our little girl, I now believe that I have to do it the hard way!

[Chi townD]

Okay, exposing to his wife was the right thing to do. She has every right to know just what kind of man she married so she can make an informed decision on what she wants with her life and marriage.

 

It sounds like you are interested in reconciling the marriage. If this is the case, I would strongly consider marriage counseling. But! You should also continue to do the 180.

 

I hate to break it to you. Most of the time, cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. You are right, you are going to be "trickle truth" to death. When you discovered the affair, she admitted to it. But, she also admitted to things that they did like holding hands and stealing a couple of kisses to minimize the damage and not make it seem so bad. But now, it went from hand holding to her getting oral sex performed on her and NOW it her doing it to him. I hate to tell you this, but you're STILL not getting the full truth. If she went away with him on a trip, I would venture to guess that she had full blown sex with the guy. Sorry.

 

Dude, you have a lot of decisions to make for yourself. You are already seeing this other dude throwing your wife under the bus to save his own skin. She seeing that she didn't mean much to the other guy. She was in the drivers seat when she had the affair. Now, you're in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage is heading. So, don't make any snap judgement or calls. Take your time and let everything settle before you make any decisions for yourself.

[bigman1]

I am glad that you recognized that "she would leave you in second" if the guy was not a so-called liar.

 

Your daughter deserves stability. Being in a house with both parents DOES NOT mean stability. It means familiarity. Sadly, where one parent is really looking to go with someone else means that the other parent suffers and so do the kids. This is not the 1950's where divorce was a stigma. We are well acclimated to divorce and schools, etc have well developed systems to deal with the fall out.

 

Your wife is looking for reasons to stay for until she can leave. She is not safe. Will not be safe for a long time, if at all. You are plan B at best.

 

You can do this.

[Marc878]

As some of you expect, and I do too, she came to me to say sorry, that she will terminate her relationship with the guy because now she realizes that he's total liar and coward. She won't come to work until knowing for sure that the guy has resigned and she will start looking for a new job. She wants to work on our marriage.

 

I told her she's already gone to me. The fact is that, if that guy was not a liar, e.g., he's really going to divorce soon, she would leave me without hesitation. I just want her to move out.

 

As much as I want to save our marriage, at least for our little girl, I now believe that I have to do it the hard way!

 

Nice deduction of the true facts. Sorry man but you got it right.

[Clay]

Good for you. Its clear to me you really do understand what is going on. That is great. Your exactly right had things been different she would be running off with him. If she really wanted to just be with you after she cheated she would have ended it on her own and confessed to you. She did like most others do. They want there cake and they want to eat it too. If you stay with her it would be only a matter of time before she found someone else.

 

I did not read the writing on the wall and I gave my serial cheating ex wife another chance. It didn't even take her six months to find my replacement. Once I learned of her cheating again I helped her out of our house. I didn't allow her to take anything but her purse.

 

There is nothing wrong with starting over. So many people look at it as a bad thing. I can tell you there are parts about it I loved. I won custody of my kids and we had a great time. We watched movies together. We made dinners together. These are all things my wife would not go along with. I could really see a serious change in my kids. I think they were happy she was gone too.

 

Its been ten years since and I am thrilled she is out of my life. She continued her cheating ways and had four more children. She adobted one out and she doesn't have custody of the other three. She recently married a guy half her age and they are living with her x.

 

One thing I learned is that I deserved better. So do you.

 

So does your child.

 

Clay

[BuddyX]

You're a strong man. Case after case, on this forum, WH are dead set on Divorce, but then the wife starts begging, bats a few eye lashes, etc. Also, let's not forget how sex becomes a tool.

 

I'm glad you're thinking this through. Not sure if i already posted the following quotes on this thread but you need to read it.

 

"Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you."

 

 

And the following might not pertain to you specifically but....

 

"Yup. A woman splits and goes silent for months and then mysteriously wants to reunite? Her primary choice of orgasm donor found a better charity."

[Ocdude]

"She's also leaning toward having a divorce because she said she's so in love with that guy, the feeling is even much more than what she got 10 years ago with me (I was her first love)."

 

"She confirmed everything but said that she wanted to leave me not because of the other guy but because she has no feeling for me anymore. "

 

The statements above are stabs deep.

 

Focus on yourself and your daughter.

[csad]

I'm confused. The OM's wife told me that he talked about the affair with HR today (to what extent, I don't know) and resigned. However, since he is a VP, the transition can take 2-4 weeks. My wife voluntarily gives me access to all her phones and computer, and she will stay at home (work from home) until he's really gone while looking for another job. And she's moving out this week. All of the sudden, I feel like I lost control, I don't know what to do next.

 

I'm still debating. A divorce is straight forward. Assuming that the goal is to save the marriage. Can you guys advice what are the signs of remorse? How long does it take for them to truly get to that stage (remorse)? It's only 3 days since I figured this thing out and a lot have happened already. What kind of step should I take besides keeping hard 180?

Edited February 7, 2017 by csad

[drifter777]

OP - the 180 is the only chance you have in your situation. You need to maintain no contact with her and march toward divorce with conviction. Your marriage is over and you need to begin focusing on your personal recovery from this horrible mess.

[Just a Guy]

Hi csad, my only advice to you at this time is that you continue down the path of divorce and wait to see what your wife does. Judge her by her actions and she will reveal herself very soon. Once you know her intentions you can crystallize your own. Just exercise some patience. You have done excellently till now. Don't ruin it by doing something hasty and ill thought out. Best of luck. Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

I'm confused. The OM's wife told me that he talked about the affair with HR today (to what extent, I don't know) and resigned. However, since he is a VP, the transition can take 2-4 weeks. My wife voluntarily gives me access to all her phones and computer, and she will stay at home (work from home) until he's really gone while looking for another job. And she's moving out this week. All of the sudden, I feel like I lost control, I don't know what to do next.

 

I'm still debating. A divorce is straight forward. Assuming that the goal is to save the marriage. Can you guys advice what are the signs of remorse? How long does it take for them to truly get to that stage (remorse)? It's only 3 days since I figured this thing out and a lot have happened already. What kind of step should I take besides keeping hard 180?

 

Stick to the 180, decide while she is out of the house if reconciliation is something you want, if it is prepare your list of requirements for reconciliation(definitely consider a postnuptial agreement as her promises don't mean much). Remember, divorce takes time and can be stopped anytime up until the final decree, check the laws of your state. The onus is on her to prove herself to you, you already know what she is capable of if she thinks she can get away with it. What can she give you so you feel safe with her again?

 

Just a question, was the other man also Chinese? What are your father and mother in laws saying about the situation? If she doesn't love you what is the use of reconciliation? Do you think she is capable of doing the work needed to reconcile? Again, take this time apart to decide what you want, this will be the cheapest for you to get out of a bad marriage, no children involved.

[road]

Stick to the 180, decide while she is out of the house if reconciliation is something you want, if it is prepare your list of requirements for reconciliation(definitely consider a postnuptial agreement as her promises don't mean much). Remember, divorce takes time and can be stopped anytime up until the final decree, check the laws of your state. The onus is on her to prove herself to you, you already know what she is capable of if she thinks she can get away with it. What can she give you so you feel safe with her again?

 

Just a question, was the other man also Chinese? What are your father and mother in laws saying about the situation? If she doesn't love you what is the use of reconciliation? Do you think she is capable of doing the work needed to reconcile? Again, take this time apart to decide what you want, this will be the cheapest for you to get out of a bad marriage, no children involved.

 

Hold your course for now and wait to see if the OM resigned. Then if recovery is what you want see what your WW does between when OM leaves the job and now. You also can make divorce a part of recovery. Telling WW that she has to court you as part of the process after the divorce if you chose.

[csad]

I guess I'm still soft inside sometimes. The fact that I haven't exposed the affair to the company HR (planned for today or tomorrow) and that the OM reported to the HR about the affair makes me feel like I lost an important card so I don't know what to do if something happens. By the way, I'm a bit confused why the OM disclosed the affair to HR? Could he just resign with general "Personal issue" and expect I won't come to their company? I heard from his wife so at first I doubt that he lied to her, just pretending to be going all the way. However, later yesterday my wife got a meeting scheduled with HR for today so that's probably it. I guess I'll figure it out after the meeting.

 

Btw I feel weird that on the one hand, I'm strict on pushing her out of the house like "I don't care what you do or if you bring him to your new place", and on the other hand having control all her devices.

Edited February 7, 2017 by csad

[BluesPower]

OM wanted to disclose affair first so that he could beat you to the punch.

 

Be prepared for your wife to be thrown under the bus by the other man. You have no idea what he told HR. And you have to wait until he actually leaves the company.

 

Next, here is how you need to start thinking. At this point when your wife moves out, you really do not care what she does. You are on your way to divorce her. If she continues to sleep with the other man, who cares. If she bangs half the town, who cares.

 

Not you, because you are divorcing her. Read up on what remorse looks like. While I am not sure you will see it from her based on what she has said at different times, you do need to learn what to look for.

 

If she keeps her pants on, and tries to earn the possibility of a reconciliation with you, that is one thing. That is what you are waiting to see.

 

But didn't she say that she does not love you and never really has? If that is true, I am not sure you want to waste your time with a R.

[TobyBoy]

Right now, you shouldn't believe anything anybody says, especially the OMs wife!! Everyone is suspect with their intentions ATM.

[Marc878]

Right now, you shouldn't believe anything anybody says, especially the OMs wife!! Everyone is suspect with their intentions ATM.

 

Yep, as you've seen cheating and everything around it wreaks of lies. Don't be surprised if the OW is covering for OM to keep you quiet. She'll be looking out for her self interest at this time.

 

Just because you know doesn't mean anything ends.

[Chi townD]

I guess I'm still soft inside sometimes. The fact that I haven't exposed the affair to the company HR (planned for today or tomorrow) and that the OM reported to the HR about the affair makes me feel like I lost an important card so I don't know what to do if something happens. By the way, I'm a bit confused why the OM disclosed the affair to HR? Could he just resign with general "Personal issue" and expect I won't come to their company? I heard from his wife so at first I doubt that he lied to her, just pretending to be going all the way. However, later yesterday my wife got a meeting scheduled with HR for today so that's probably it. I guess I'll figure it out after the meeting.

 

Btw I feel weird that on the one hand, I'm strict on pushing her out of the house like "I don't care what you do or if you bring him to your new place", and on the other hand having control all her devices.

 

You have absolutely no idea what he said to HR exactly. I mean, we're talking about the same guy that lied to you and your wife about being seperated from his wife and headed for divorce, but that wasn't the case was it? The guy is a liar. So, take everything with a grain of salt.

[aliveagain]

I guess I'm still soft inside sometimes. The fact that I haven't exposed the affair to the company HR (planned for today or tomorrow) and that the OM reported to the HR about the affair makes me feel like I lost an important card so I don't know what to do if something happens. By the way, I'm a bit confused why the OM disclosed the affair to HR? Could he just resign with general "Personal issue" and expect I won't come to their company? I heard from his wife so at first I doubt that he lied to her, just pretending to be going all the way. However, later yesterday my wife got a meeting scheduled with HR for today so that's probably it. I guess I'll figure it out after the meeting.

 

Btw I feel weird that on the one hand, I'm strict on pushing her out of the house like "I don't care what you do or if you bring him to your new place", and on the other hand having control all her devices.

 

He exposed it to his company because he knew his chances of getting a better settlement were better if he disclosed it as compared to you exposing it. He knew you would go to his company, you proved that you weren't afraid of him or his kung fu by going to his home. He didn't do it because he's a nice guy he did it because he knew if H/R heard it from you first that things would go a lot worse for him. I guarantee you he did nothing to save your wife, he is in survival mode and probably negotiated his resignation so there is no mention of his affair as cause. Helps him get another job in the same industry. My guess is others in the company already suspected that something was going on between the two of them. Let her feel the full impact of the shame she has brought onto herself, it will help deter future infidelities. Go to H/R and file a complaint but you should talk to a lawyer first.

[csad]

Stick to the 180, decide while she is out of the house if reconciliation is something you want, if it is prepare your list of requirements for reconciliation(definitely consider a postnuptial agreement as her promises don't mean much). Remember, divorce takes time and can be stopped anytime up until the final decree, check the laws of your state. The onus is on her to prove herself to you, you already know what she is capable of if she thinks she can get away with it. What can she give you so you feel safe with her again?

 

Just a question, was the other man also Chinese? What are your father and mother in laws saying about the situation? If she doesn't love you what is the use of reconciliation? Do you think she is capable of doing the work needed to reconcile? Again, take this time apart to decide what you want, this will be the cheapest for you to get out of a bad marriage, no children involved.

 

Asia is much more than just China . We are not and OM is from different country too.

 

The in-laws love me, no kidding, they don't say I'm wrong or anything but of course they try to protect their daughter. They don't want an in-law from different country either. As to my wife, I don't know, some time I think she just sets the wrong expectation on our marriage. I might be in denial though. She shows some signs of remorse. For example, when I told her to move out, she said that she doesn't have to because this is her house too. No heated argument involved, I just asked her do you feel ashamed of what you did and do you think you deserve a punishment? She didn't answer but went ahead to find an apartment (she found one and will move out soon). My wife is like that, she knows she's wrong but I always wish she could talk more. When we first married, I once told her that if she's wrong and I'm mad (not this kind of wrong doing though), just hold me and say sorry and I'll forget everything. She never did that!

[drifter777]

I guess I'm still soft inside sometimes. The fact that I haven't exposed the affair to the company HR (planned for today or tomorrow) and that the OM reported to the HR about the affair makes me feel like I lost an important card so I don't know what to do if something happens. By the way, I'm a bit confused why the OM disclosed the affair to HR? Could he just resign with general "Personal issue" and expect I won't come to their company? I heard from his wife so at first I doubt that he lied to her, just pretending to be going all the way. However, later yesterday my wife got a meeting scheduled with HR for today so that's probably it. I guess I'll figure it out after the meeting.

 

Do you know for a fact that he disclosed the affair? You can't take anyone's word for this - only he & HR know the answer to that. HR can't reveal that information and his truthfulness in somewhat in doubt. I think he wants to keep b@nging your wife and both of them are covering tracks.

[Jersey born raised]

What is the custody arrangement with your daughter? I know at 21 months she is very young but your wife works and you work. So, why isn't she with you????

 

What she can prepare a meal a better?? Had more time??? Change a diaper and you cannot??? Don't give an inch on this.

 

My MIL was great when WW was exposed. She accept the marriage was done but refused entry into to her home of OM. Her daughter was always welcome, blood, but him never. It has been 15 years or so, no idea of ex's life but I know my exMIL would accept a different man but never her daughters OM. She also told her daughter point blank what she did was evil, that she didn't deserve me.

[csad]

HR called my wife today and I was there to listen so it's sure that he reported the affair. What did he say exactly, I don't know. HR is trying to listen from both of them I guess.