Wife having affair with her boss

[kgcolonel]

CSAD, you mentioned that you were planning to notify your wife's parents yesterday....I may have missed it, but were you able to speak with her parents and if so, what was their reaction and does your wife know that you have spoken to them?

 

Also, how is your wife acting now that the perverbial cat is out of the bag?

[lolablue17]

OP I sense your energies. you're eager for action, part of it because actions protect you from feeling lost and weak. I think you're moving too fast, and you might make mistakes although you are lucky so far.

 

I advice you to slow down, think 4 times and consult with others before any move you make. Do you feel you want revenge? Do you want to feel strong? Do you want things to be done?

 

1. Collect evidence. Record all your phone calls + Open the recorder in your mobile and record every live and phone conversation you have with her. OM is calling you? record him. You tell her parents? Record the conversation. And make backups.

 

2. You have the power now. You see how everything will be falling on them slowly like house of card. You know which guarding dog is the most frightening? The silent dog who doesn't bark. Be silent. Give everyone the feeling that you have a secret plan. It will scare them both. They will be fried by their own anxiety. They will start making mistakes. I'm not saying don't expose them, I'm just telling you to wait. When you go to silent mode, they'll go crazy.

 

Slow down, and keep calm. Remember. You hold the cards now. Don't throw your cards to achieve a temporary pleasure.

Edited February 5, 2017 by lolablue17

[Mr Blunt]

By csad

I am pretty sure that she's not financially worried, they are pretty rich with several homes and in the past she had asked for a divorce once (several years ago, not recently) due to his mom stood on their way. But they have 2 kids and she mentioned to me that if she keeps her marriage, it's all because of the kids.

 

 

By Blunt

The OM’s wife asked for divorce years ago and I would not be surprised if that was because OM was betraying her. The OM has fear because he could lose a lot of money and possession in a divorce and later he will have to suffer his children’s reactions to him betraying their mother. At this point you would help yourself more by concentrating on you and your child and not get involved with the OM and his consequences.

 

 

by csad

I am now sure she will suffer because the other guy is just taking advantage of her, he will never leave his family.

I got to stand on my wife's side on this, I mean; every married guy would say that he doesn't have a happy family in order to get to a woman.

 

 

By Blunt

The OM did not take advantage of your wife he just helped himself to an offer that your wife was in full agreement with. Your wife is a grown woman and knew exactly what she was doing. She decided to help herself to her ego and emotions at the expense of you and your daughter. Your wife has serious integrity and character flaws. Do not fool yourself your wife is now your enemy.

 

Do not be surprised if she becomes very emotional due to the fact that some reality is setting in. The OM will only go to her if it is his last choice and he is losing a lot. Do you think that OM is going to give up his money and his children for a betraying woman that will sacrifice her marriage and child so that she can get an emotional high and get her rocks off in bed?

 

 

 

 

Csad,

You have been given great advice in this thread now you just have to apply the portion that will benefit you the most. I will just add that you diligently seek getting emotional and spiritual support so that you do not compromise and crumble because you will suffer for several months. You need to ease the great emotional damage that your wife has done and start getting much more self-sufficient in your emotions and self-worth. The goal is to get enough self-sufficiency so that you do not compromise and become a door mat.

 

 

At this point you are doing great! You can get a LOT better and have a good life. Infidelity is not the end of the world.

[csad]

CSAD, you mentioned that you were planning to notify your wife's parents yesterday....I may have missed it, but were you able to speak with her parents and if so, what was their reaction and does your wife know that you have spoken to them?

 

Also, how is your wife acting now that the perverbial cat is out of the bag?

 

As to my wife, she's a kind of cold-blood one. I don't know behind the scene, but when I'm around she still acts very normal, neither sad nor happy. I already told her to find a place next week and I think she's ready to leave me because she can't love me anymore. I told her about my confrontation with the other guy's wife and told her about what he told his wife which is different from what he told her, and she agreed that he's a liar. But who knows, she might still fantasy about him. Are they going to be back together, I don't know, we live only about 10 miles away. She won't learn her lesson until the guy trashes her like a POS. Some lessons have to be learnt in a hard way. But truth is it doesn't matter, I don't care, like I said, to me she's gone.

 

Yes yesterday afternoon I talked to the parents and my wife were there as well. She confirmed everything but said that she wanted to leave me not because of the other guy but because she has no feeling for me anymore. The parents seemed shocked. Her parents, as usual, started to tell me to be noble and give her a chance. I don't know if they talked to their daughter yet. They are great guys, I like them a lot but I have made my decision.

 

Oh and by the way, the OM's wife said that if my wife wants to meet her, she will meet. Last night when I gave my wife the message, she said that she wants to meet her too next Tuesday. Ironically she asked me to come with her just in case the other woman attack her. I said that won't happen because the OM's wife seems to be very calm and nice, but in fact I think if she does something, my wife deserves it!

[csad]

By csad

I am pretty sure that she's not financially worried, they are pretty rich with several homes and in the past she had asked for a divorce once (several years ago, not recently) due to his mom stood on their way. But they have 2 kids and she mentioned to me that if she keeps her marriage, it's all because of the kids.

 

 

By Blunt

The OM’s wife asked for divorce years ago and I would not be surprised if that was because OM was betraying her. The OM has fear because he could lose a lot of money and possession in a divorce and later he will have to suffer his children’s reactions to him betraying their mother. At this point you would help yourself more by concentrating on you and your child and not get involved with the OM and his consequences.

 

 

by csad

I am now sure she will suffer because the other guy is just taking advantage of her, he will never leave his family.

I got to stand on my wife's side on this, I mean; every married guy would say that he doesn't have a happy family in order to get to a woman.

 

 

By Blunt

The OM did not take advantage of your wife he just helped himself to an offer that your wife was in full agreement with. Your wife is a grown woman and knew exactly what she was doing. She decided to help herself to her ego and emotions at the expense of you and your daughter. Your wife has serious integrity and character flaws. Do not fool yourself your wife is now your enemy.

 

Do not be surprised if she becomes very emotional due to the fact that some reality is setting in. The OM will only go to her if it is his last choice and he is losing a lot. Do you think that OM is going to give up his money and his children for a betraying woman that will sacrifice her marriage and child so that she can get an emotional high and get her rocks off in bed?

 

 

 

 

Csad,

You have been given great advice in this thread now you just have to apply the portion that will benefit you the most. I will just add that you diligently seek getting emotional and spiritual support so that you do not compromise and crumble because you will suffer for several months. You need to ease the great emotional damage that your wife has done and start getting much more self-sufficient in your emotions and self-worth. The goal is to get enough self-sufficiency so that you do not compromise and become a door mat.

 

 

At this point you are doing great! You can get a LOT better and have a good life. Infidelity is not the end of the world.

 

Thanks, I read all the advice here and carefully consider them all, I don't follow them exactly but use them to draw my own path. It feels great that way and I feel more and more confident

[goodyblue]

Nope. Not at all. After she had our second daughter, she pretty much decided she didn't want to be a mother. Our youngest was born with a heart defect and spent the first two and a half months of her life in the hospital. I spent every day there with her, only going home to get clean clothes. My XW refused to stay there even one night with her because it wasn't comfortable. So while I bonded the way a mother should with my youngest,my XW became abusive in every sense of the word to my oldest. She was "stuck at home with her" as she put it, and that drove her crazy. So bc of that, I became a hero to my oldest bc I'd protect her from mom. Over the next 10+ years, she never changed. And pretty much still hasn't.

 

And his kids?

[GoldenR]

And his kids?

 

He has two that he had custody of. When I kicked her out, she just stayed there, and, according to my kids, she was abusive to them as well

[goodyblue]

He has two that he had custody of. When I kicked her out, she just stayed there, and, according to my kids, she was abusive to them as well

 

Pretty sad.

[GoldenR]

Pretty sad.

 

My oldest told me a story about XW right before Christmas. How xw doesn't like to go to their family Christmas bc his kids don't get her a present, but she gets them one. My oldest reminded her, "That's probably bc you would call them 'ugly as sin' and you would get into physical altercations with them when they lived with you".

Edited February 5, 2017 by GoldenR

[Marc878]

 

Yes yesterday afternoon I talked to the parents and my wife were there as well. She confirmed everything but said that she wanted to leave me not because of the other guy but because she has no feeling for me anymore. The parents seemed shocked. Her parents, as usual, started to tell me to be noble and give her a chance. I don't know if they talked to their daughter yet. They are great guys, I like them a lot but I have made my decision.

 

 

Blood is thicker than water. Her parents are looking out for her not you.

[aliveagain]

If you want to have an effect make sure you include adultery as the reason for divorce. That might change her perception somewhat, she seems a little to full of herself and maybe a little too entitled. Treat her the way you perceive her to be. Read up on the "180" and initiate, make it your daily mantra, get some distance from her.

[csad]

I read you guys mention the "180" a lot, what is it? A book? I am reading No More Mr. Nice Guy now

[GoldenR]

I read you guys mention the "180" a lot, what is it? A book? I am reading No More Mr. Nice Guy now

 

Borrowed this from SI:

 

 

Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It

A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

 

So here's the list:

 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

[whichwayisup]

Her parents don't want her to be the bad guy which is why they are pushing you to give her one more chance, to be noble and be the giving one with the big forgiving heart. Your wife has told you she's not in love with you anymore, so knowing that and the fact she wants to leave, what's the point of trying to make her stay, try to reconnect and fix things? They probably don't want to see that their daughter cheated and had an affair. It'll be an embarrassment to them in others eyes.

[Marc878]

The 180 is contained in this attachment

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[road]

Don't drop the ball this affair still needs and must be exposed fully

at work in spite of what has already gone by.

[csad]

Thought I never mentioned this so I'll say it now: thank you guys for all great comments and advice. I feel like I found myself here. It was pretty normal that I acted quite emotional the first night I found out (like giving her a chance) to now being a (hopefully) strong one who holds the upper card, at least in my mind, even though I might still act soft some time that I did not notice.

 

A little update, my wife heard about my confrontation with the guy last night and wanted to make sure that I would not make any physical attack to her. I told her that I'm an educated man and if I intend to do that, I would have done it the first night. She told me that she realizes the guy is a liar and will terminate the relationship with him; I told her that I'm glad for her to think that way but the truth is that she doesn't know what kind of pillow talk the guy will implement to get her to bed again, especially if his wife files a divorce; and more importantly, I told her that I don't care. I told her to find a place and at first she said she has her name is in the title of the house so she can live here. I asked her why she doesn't feel ashamed of what she did at all as she has done the worst thing a woman can do. Oh she also said that she is seeking for marriage counseling; I told her I don't care at all as you are gone to me, just move out.

[csad]

If you warn them they'll just be prepared for damage control. Oh, he's just a crazy jealous husband.

 

 

Reading again and found this is so true. Last night when I was at his place and his wife was there, he tried to tell his wife that I was just a crazy jealous husband

[Marc878]

Thought I never mentioned this so I'll say it now: thank you guys for all great comments and advice. I feel like I found myself here. It was pretty normal that I acted quite emotional the first night I found out (like giving her a chance) to now being a (hopefully) strong one who holds the upper card, at least in my mind, even though I might still act soft some time that I did not notice.

 

A little update, my wife heard about my confrontation with the guy last night and wanted to make sure that I would not make any physical attack to her. I told her that I'm an educated man and if I intend to do that, I would have done it the first night. She told me that she realizes the guy is a liar and will terminate the relationship with him; I told her that I'm glad for her to think that way but the truth is that she doesn't know what kind of pillow talk the guy will implement to get her to bed again, especially if his wife files a divorce; and more importantly, I told her that I don't care. I told her to find a place and at first she said she has her name is in the title of the house so she can live here. I asked her why she doesn't feel ashamed of what she did at all as she has done the worst thing a woman can do. Oh she also said that she is seeking for marriage counseling; I told her I don't care at all as you are gone to me, just move out.

 

This tells you they are still in contact.

 

You can't trust her. Better get a VAR and keep it with you. She wouldn't be the first to file a Restraining Order on you to gain the upper hand.

[csad]

I would go to see his wife only if there was someone with me (best friend I can trust).

 

 

I did not do this last night, I came alone, luckily I was fine but it could be real bad. The policeman who detained me told me the same thing, what happens if he has a gun? Btw it seems not all policeman are bad

[Marc878]

You said punches were thrown. Who hit who?

[csad]

This tells you they are still in contact.

 

You can't trust her. Better get a VAR and keep it with you. She wouldn't be the first to file a Restraining Order on you to gain the upper hand.

 

Low chance because my mom kept all her phones and computer since last night. I talked to my mom in the living room and she heard. Now she's in another bedroom but will move out!

[Marc878]

I did not do this last night, I came alone, luckily I was fine but it could be real bad. The policeman who detained me told me the same thing, what happens if he has a gun? Btw it seems not all policeman are bad

 

You didn't get charges filed against you, right? Who called the police? Other man?

[csad]

You said punches were thrown. Who hit who?

 

I guess both . He practices Teakwondo but I also have my own techniques . He called the police. I could send him to jail but he could also send me to, so in the end we assume nothing serious (to the police). No charge at all. But I think he's really scared of what he will lose.

[goodyblue]

My oldest told me a story about XW right before Christmas. How xw doesn't like to go to their family Christmas bc his kids don't get her a present, but she gets them one. My oldest reminded her, "That's probably bc you would call them 'ugly as sin' and you would get into physical altercations with them when they lived with you".

 

You know, she sounds terrible. I feel sorry for e everyone who has to deal with her. I hope nobody takes pleasure in her being such a terrible person because it is the kids who suffer. His and hers.