Wife having affair with her boss

[Jersey born raised]

What is the custody arrangement with your daughter? I know at 21 months she is very young but your wife works and you work. So, why isn't she with you????

 

What she can prepare a meal a better?? Had more time??? Change a diaper and you cannot??? Don't give an inch on this.

 

My MIL was great when WW was exposed. She accept the marriage was done but refused entry into to her home of OM. Her daughter was always welcome, blood, but him never. It has been 15 years or so, no idea of ex's life but I know my exMIL would accept a different man but never her daughters OM. She also told her daughter point blank what she did was evil, that she didn't deserve me.

[csad]

HR called my wife today and I was there to listen so it's sure that he reported the affair. What did he say exactly, I don't know. HR is trying to listen from both of them I guess.

[Mr Blunt]

by csad

However, for a while now I noticed she didn't say love me anymore, and just a couple days ago, we had argued and she said that she might no longer love me, so she might opt for option (2).

 

 

So I confronted her again and this time she admitted that they had oral on that Sonoma trip.

 

 

She's also leaning toward having a divorce because she said she's so in love with that guy, the feeling is even much more than what she got 10 years ago with me (I was her first love). I could not believe what I heard.

 

 

She confirmed everything but said that she wanted to leave me not because of the other guy but because she has no feeling for me anymore.

I told her she's already gone to me. The fact is that, if that guy was not a liar, e.g., he's really going to divorce soon, she would leave me without hesitation. I just want her to move out.

 

 

 

 

BY BLUNT

Based on your words above, your wife has not cherished you for a very long time and she maybe never did. At best she gave you love-light and now you do not even have love-light. Her actions and words as listed above tells me that she is only thinking of her selfish ego and is lacking in the most important character trait in marriage; trust and loyalty.

[Mr Blunt]

y csad

Can you guys advice what are the signs of remorse?

She shows some signs of remorse. For example, when I told her to move out, she said that she doesn't have to because this is her house too.

 

By BLUNT

Remorse is when you set aside your interest and do everything you can for the one you offended. Your wife is defensive and tells you her rights t the house; that is not remorse. If you want a real good book on remorse then get the book listed below

Linda MacDonald book how to help your spouse heal from your affair?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LindaMacDonald book how to help your spouse heal from your affair?

Edited February 8, 2017 by Mr Blunt

[Mr Blunt]

By csad.

What kind of step should I take besides keeping hard 180?

 

 

 

 

BLUNT

Diligently seek getting emotional and spiritual support so that you do not compromise and crumble because you will suffer for many months. You need to ease the great emotional damage that your wife has done and start getting much more self-sufficient in your emotions and self-worth. The goal is to get enough self-sufficiency so that you do not compromise and become a door mat.

 

 

Force yourself to stop being concerned with your wife and use her to ease your pain. At this time your wife does not have the ability to help you enough to make a difference; she is very weak and wounded by her own actions. Right now you have to choose between you and your daughter or you spending time concerning your wife and your marriage. You cannot do both and you have absolutely no power over your wife’s free will.

 

 

You working only on you and your daughter is not a revenge thing it is an emotional survival thing. If you try the “Pick me” approach in any way with your wife you will lose big time. Deep down your wife does not resect herself and she is not going to respect a man that is weak and wants to compromise so that he can ease the pain.

[road]

Yep, as you've seen cheating and everything around it wreaks of lies. Don't be surprised if the OW is covering for OM to keep you quiet. She'll be looking out for her self interest at this time.

 

Just because you know doesn't mean anything ends.

 

There is no OW in this story. It has an BH, WW, OM and a OMW.

[Vinny1951]

Sorry to hear about your marital problem. My best friend's wife left him for her boss. As a boss myself, I have been hit on by many women who worked under me for the last 45 years. Women are attracted to power and spend a lot of time with their bosses. It is almost a cliche.

 

Best to move on with your life and find someone else. While I never lost my wife to cheating, I did lose my first fiancee. She was sorry but I would not take her back. We were together since we were 15 and were to be married in a few months. At the time I was devastated.

 

Now when I look back on my life I realize that had she not cheated on me I would never have met my wonderful wife of 44 years. My ex fiancee went on to have mental problems, cheated on her husband and ended up marry a woman who is much older than her. She called me up a few years ago and told me how bad her life had been and how sorry she was that she cheated on me.

 

The next girlfriend who cheated was a very religious girl from a very strict family. She went on to become a crack addict, prostitute, stripper and is now married to a guy 11 years older than her who used to be her lap dance customer. She emailed me.

 

My point is that our future life is due not only to the good things that happened to us but also the bad things. I can think of so many bad things in my life that turned out to make my life better in the end. Just get through this and you too may meet someone who is loyal and faithful and whom you can love and trust for the rest of your life.

[Ocdude]

Hows it going csad? Any signs of remorse from your wife? did she get knocked out of her fog?

[Wade Lamare]

I'm confused. The OM's wife told me that he talked about the affair with HR today (to what extent, I don't know) and resigned. However, since he is a VP, the transition can take 2-4 weeks. My wife voluntarily gives me access to all her phones and computer, and she will stay at home (work from home) until he's really gone while looking for another job. And she's moving out this week. All of the sudden, I feel like I lost control, I don't know what to do next.

 

I'm still debating. A divorce is straight forward. Assuming that the goal is to save the marriage. Can you guys advice what are the signs of remorse? How long does it take for them to truly get to that stage (remorse)? It's only 3 days since I figured this thing out and a lot have happened already. What kind of step should I take besides keeping hard 180?

 

Remorse?

 

Ultimately it depends on the person.

 

It generally boils down to feeling empathy for the betrayed partner. A deep, deep realisation of how much they have hurt the other person and a desire to never hurt that person ever again coupled with a desire to help heal that person whatever it takes and whatever the outcome.

 

I've also seen it described as snot bubbling, on their knees sobbing. However although this can be a good indicator it can still be, in reality, merely them feeling sorry for themselves. "Wah wah my life sucks, I've been caught, what do I do now?"

 

Your situation is so typical, your wife's affair is textbook adultery script.

 

In the build up to the affair your wife has probably been mentally running you down so that internally she can justify her affair probably without realising she's even doing it. Every minor problem gets amplified into a serious problem.

"I didn't think you loved me anymore.". We never do anything together anymore." You've been distant." Without even realising that the 'distance' is down to her unconsciously justifying her affair.

 

It may all be over for you two, a lot of this will be up to you.

 

I think your wife is probably in 'shell shocked limbo' right now.

 

Pretty soon she is going to realise that she's been thrown under the bus by the OM and that all his words were lies to get in her pants, and reading between the lines they've done way more than a quickie BJ.

 

If this follows the normal pattern you'll start the divorce proceedings and her world will crash even more, prepare for the sobbing on her knees scenario.

 

You'll no doubt get the "how can you do this, think of the children!" act. To which you'll no doubt reply to with something like "don't you dare lecture me about the children, if YOU were thinking about the children you'd never have started this.

 

Keep in touch because there is a lot of advice you can get here post affair discovery.

 

My first step would be to see where you stand in a divorce scenario, get some legal advice, perhaps download some forms.

[csad]

I can't believe it's only little more than a week. Tomorrow is her move-out day.

 

I'm not sure how things change internally. My wife had a couple phone calls with OM's wife and based on what she said, she's pretty clear that she got trapped by OM. She's pretty open these days, gives me access to all phones and computer, and reports where she goes. She's been working from home this whole week but will come back to work tomorrow. She now reports to the OM's boss, is moved by HR to a different floor and her new boss said that from now to the day OM leaves the company, whatever meeting that involves both of them then 1 of them can call in.

 

She's been reading on talkaboutmarriage in the last couple days too and now seems to care about me, like asking me to eat more, if I sleep well etc. She doesn't cry in front of me and doesn't offer sex. I feel soft when seeing that of course. I'm just not sure if she really feels remorseful or just feels guilty of getting caught. It's been only less than 10 days.

[S2B]

She didn't "get trapped" by her Married OM - she willingly participated.

 

No one is to blame for her actions except herself! When she stops blaming him she will need to be responsible for how SHE participated - at this point she doesn't want to blame herself so she has only shifted her blame onto him.

 

Until she blames ONLY herself - there's no way for her to find out about herself and why she did this - and how to also change the inner core of who she actually is. She IS the heater...and for now she isn't changing at all - not until she admits it was all on her.

[BluesPower]

She didn't "get trapped" by her Married OM - she willingly participated.

 

No one is to blame for her actions except herself! When she stops blaming him she will need to be responsible for how SHE participated - at this point she doesn't want to blame herself so she has only shifted her blame onto him.

 

Until she blames ONLY herself - there's no way for her to find out about herself and why she did this - and how to also change the inner core of who she actually is. She IS the heater...and for now she isn't changing at all - not until she admits it was all on her.

 

It is even more than that, I bet when she is out of the house she starts up the affair again. It is only a matter of time. I hope not but I think she will.

 

She will get a burner phone and communicate that way because she knows you are monitoring everything.

 

Are you going to file? Or are you going to wait until you catch her again?

 

She would have already tried to have sex with you if she was remotely sorry about what she has done. They all try that.

 

What is your plan now?

[merrmeade]

I can't believe it's only little more than a week. Tomorrow is her move-out day.

 

I'm not sure how things change internally. My wife had a couple phone calls with OM's wife and based on what she said, she's pretty clear that she got trapped by OM. She's pretty open these days, gives me access to all phones and computer, and reports where she goes. She's been working from home this whole week but will come back to work tomorrow. She now reports to the OM's boss, is moved by HR to a different floor and her new boss said that from now to the day OM leaves the company, whatever meeting that involves both of them then 1 of them can call in.

 

She's been reading on talkaboutmarriage in the last couple days too and now seems to care about me, like asking me to eat more, if I sleep well etc. She doesn't cry in front of me and doesn't offer sex. I feel soft when seeing that of course. I'm just not sure if she really feels remorseful or just feels guilty of getting caught. It's been only less than 10 days.

No, no, no, no. This is just too easy. Suddenly everybody agrees she was just a helpless little thing that was his victim?? I don't think so.

[Overtaxed]

I can't believe it's only little more than a week. Tomorrow is her move-out day.

 

I'm not sure how things change internally. My wife had a couple phone calls with OM's wife and based on what she said, she's pretty clear that she got trapped by OM. She's pretty open these days, gives me access to all phones and computer, and reports where she goes. She's been working from home this whole week but will come back to work tomorrow. She now reports to the OM's boss, is moved by HR to a different floor and her new boss said that from now to the day OM leaves the company, whatever meeting that involves both of them then 1 of them can call in.

 

She's been reading on talkaboutmarriage in the last couple days too and now seems to care about me, like asking me to eat more, if I sleep well etc. She doesn't cry in front of me and doesn't offer sex. I feel soft when seeing that of course. I'm just not sure if she really feels remorseful or just feels guilty of getting caught. It's been only less than 10 days.

 

The first 2 weeks were the worst for me. I hadn't gotten the disclosure I needed, and the mind movies were far worse than the reality. The reality is bad, what I imagined in my head was just awful. And I couldn't stop them; they were on the repeat reel. I'm not about 5 weeks from d-day, and things are settling down mentally. So hopefully that's a common sentiment and you'll also experience the same.

 

Remorse takes time. And it's never going to be exactly what you want. I wanted my wife to look at me and understand what she did; she can't, nobody can, it's impossible to feel the depth of pain you've caused another person without experiencing it for yourself. Which is sad, but you have to expect it, I just don't think any cheated on spouse will ever get exactly what they want from their WS, you just have to look at their efforts; are they working towards healing, or are they trying to cause you more pain through their actions.

[Giacomo67]

you just have to look at their efforts; are they working towards healing, or are they trying to cause you more pain through their actions.

 

or kick them to the curb and re-start living...

[Mr Blunt]

By csad

She's been reading on talkaboutmarriage in the last couple days too and now seems to care about me, like asking me to eat more, if I sleep well etc. She doesn't cry in front of me and doesn't offer sex. I feel soft when seeing that of course. I'm just not sure if she really feels remorseful or just feels guilty of getting caught. It's been only less than 10 days.

 

 

By BLUNT

Her emotions and words may seem real but NEVER trust words and emotions. TRUST ACTIONS FOR A LONG TIME!

 

 

You take actions for you. Build yourself up in every way or you will become a door mat. You cannot depend on your wife as she has proved to you that she does not have your best interest at heart. Make her prove herself with ACTIONS for years before you get soft on her!

[S2B]

Did she move? How far away is she moving?

 

Does all her family now know?

[BeholdtheMan]

Do yourself a favor and file for divorce. See how ur wife reacts

[Ocdude]

Csad, how are you doing? Is your wife remorseful? How is she acting?

[csad]

Thanks all for checking. It's been almost 2 weeks. I'm moving on with my life. In fact, I got a new job offer which pays quite a bit higher than my current. On my wife, I think she's remorseful but I could be wrong, she also told me she feels bad that she destroys the other family. There're other signs though that I can't list all. Btw, the OM's 12-year-old daughter is extremely upset with him now, I know this because I still keep in touch with his wife. I thought I am willing to give her a chance. However, here is the issue.

 

We talked last night. I shared in my previous post that my wife and the OM still work. The OM resigned but the company needs 2 months of transition so he's still there, I'm not happy about that but what can I do? My wife now reports to the OM's boss. However, the new boss said that he doesn't know all the details so my wife still needs to CC the OM in all emails. I told my wife it's ok for the 1st week but now it's 2nd week and she still has to CC the OM. In some of the OM's email, I can clearly see he started to "fishing", like inserting "how are you" in a longer email, or say "thank you" in our language. My wife doesn't respond to those emails, also told me she doesn't care but who the hell know what she thinks about that. I told her if she wants to get back to this family she has to stay at home until the OM disappears, or push her new boss to extremely No Contact. She said she already asked her new boss but he doesn't agree, so pushing further now means resignation, and she still wants the bonus and promotion in April (her new boss confirmed). She said she doesn't care about those work emails, it's just work, but I told her that she failed to convince me when turning her work into an affair so now she has to follow my lead. She asked me what's the point because even if she stays at home I still don't trust her. I told her yes that's true but that's help building trust. And why do I care about her job/bonus after all what she did to me?

 

I don't know what to think at this point, I guess I don't have anything else to say to her. In fact I think I talked to her too much already. She prioritizes her job/bonus/promotion over my unsafe feeling. I told her that if she's truly remorseful, she would do whatever it take to gain trust from me, which includes whatever I ask her to do. Even if now she agrees to be off work, I think it's more of my push rather than she figures out/decides by herself. That doesn't work in the long term. I have to let her go!

[harrybrown]

It never works to keep in contact when she is an addict.

 

Have you told the OM's wife about the emails?

 

File for D. Her job is more important than the family.

 

She is not showing remorse.

 

Has she been tested for disease?

 

And has she told her family about her A?

 

Get your D now. She is still addicted to the OM. Her company is not being helpful to your family.

 

Hope you get an attorney soon.

[csad]

It never works to keep in contact when she is an addict.

 

Have you told the OM's wife about the emails?

 

File for D. Her job is more important than the family.

 

She is not showing remorse.

 

Has she been tested for disease?

 

And has she told her family about her A?

 

Get your D now. She is still addicted to the OM. Her company is not being helpful to your family.

 

Hope you get an attorney soon.

 

Honestly, I don't think she's addict, at least as much as before. I know my wife for a long time and there're things that I just can't describe here. She has tested for STD and all negative. Her family know but her mom to her is like "I support every decision you make". I'll tell the OM's wife about the emails. The worst part is she takes her job over family. That kills me.

[Bryanp]

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes.

[BluesPower]

She is not prioritizing YOU and if she wants the marriage that is what she has to do. She should understand that. And you have no idea what kink of contact that they actually have, because you cannot believe one word that she says.

 

Now, there are some things that you may have to tell her that you need from her if order for you to heal. But she should be reading an researching a lot of that stuff on her own. SHE needs the figure out what to do to help you heal and SHE has to figure out how to restore trust and intimacy.

 

I have to agree that you really need to file for divorce. It may help to wake her up and if not you can just follow through and start a new life.

 

This type if thing is what my wife never ever got and still has not. Not just for the affairs but other things as well. It is up the THEM to show that they love and respect us and we get to stand back and see if we believe them or if it is just a show.

 

This the reason my wife is out the door...

[csad]

I see suggestion for polygraph everywhere. I'm just wondering how much of accuracy it is. Do we trust if the machine says "no lie"? And do we trust if the machine says "she's lying"?