Mr_One Posted July 22, 2005 Posted July 22, 2005 (I am a male) Well recently, I started chilling with one of my old friend girl and I always had a crush on ... almost 5 years now. But we always chilled on and off and it was never serious. Just chilling in big groups with friends that we both know. In the past, she never noticed me, and never talked to me as much. Out of nowhere ... I happened to see her at a club with her boyfriend. She didn't recognize me at all because my appearance changed alot. So I told her to call me sometime and "catch up." About a couple of days later, surprisingly, she called me and later that day we chilled together (by ourselves), talking and catching up with old times. Of course, my feelings about her never changed. We started chilling a lot - almost every day. Keep in mind, she still had a boyfriend. She slept over a couple of times, but never did anything or kiss each other, because I respect her. Little things that she did, or reactions around me, hinted that she might finally have noticed me and liked me back. One day, we happened to be online and she wanted to "talk about stuff." She says, "I didn't wanna lead you on..." and that she has a boyfriend and all. After hearing that, the first thing that came to my mind was, "Oh no. She doesn't wanna be my friend or anything more." Before she finished what she had to say... she says, "but I like you." Now I'm thinking, "Whoa ... she's playing games with me." I thought about it and I respect her actions. At least she told me before she hurt me or anything, which is good. After 5 years, I told her, "I like you too." I didn't wanna say I always had a crush on her. It'll give her tooo much power. So, I told her, "I understand you have a boyfriend and all ... but I'll always be here for you." She started to open up to me about her feelings. She keeps a lot of her feelings in and it's very hard to tell what she wants or is thinking about. She told me that she wants to break up with her boyfriend ... BUT not because of me. She said she wasn't happy with him the last couple months. She also stated, "Even if I was to break up with him, I don't wanna rush into anything." Also, again, I respected that. I would rather build a good friendship and if anything else ... build a relationship from a strong foundation. I told her that also. She agreed with me 100%. But now, I dunno what to do ... she's still with her guy ... and I feel bad every day for her boyfriend, because she talks to me mostly every night until 2 or 3 in the morning. I dunno ... as each day goes, it get more confusing. Now I feel like giving up. She's a great girl with a great mind. Thats what I always liked about her. But, if it has to hurt another person, especially because of me ... I know it has some things to do with me that she wants to break up with her boyfriend. But, she won't admit it. I just want everyone to be happy. EVEN if I have to sacrifice my happiness to keep them happy. Overall, I'm a good person that just hates unhappiness from others. *Sigh*... any advice or comments?
browneyes22 Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Look if it's meant to be it'll happen at some point. If you want to talk to her every night knowing that is all it's going to be for a while go ahead. Myself personally, I wouldn't do that...I would need more than late night conversations after just hangin' with a girl i've liked for 5 years. I would let my feeling be very clear by telling her that I like her very much and I am interested in more than a friendship. I would also tell her that it would be too hard for me to be just friends with her and I would limit my contact with her. I think your giving too much of yourself to her. She has to realize that you have a price for admission...your feelings and emotions shouldn't be free for her to toy with. If you let her know how you feel, then limit your contact this would give her the perfect opportunity to break up with the other guy and start something with you. 'Cause once you split the current situation...she won't have you to run to, just her boyfriend that she said she wants to break up with. If she really likes you she'll follow you. I just think your giving too much of yourself and not getting what you deserve in return. If she doesn't follow you...find a girl that will. End of story.
Marshbear Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Originally posted by browneyes22 Look if it's meant to be it'll happen at some point. If you want to talk to her every night knowing that is all it's going to be for a while go ahead. Myself personally, I wouldn't do that...I would need more than late night conversations after just hangin' with a girl i've liked for 5 years. I would let my feeling be very clear by telling her that I like her very much and I am interested in more than a friendship. I would also tell her that it would be too hard for me to be just friends with her and I would limit my contact with her. I think your giving too much of yourself to her. She has to realize that you have a price for admission...your feelings and emotions shouldn't be free for her to toy with. If you let her know how you feel, then limit your contact this would give her the perfect opportunity to break up with the other guy and start something with you. 'Cause once you split the current situation...she won't have you to run to, just her boyfriend that she said she wants to break up with. If she really likes you she'll follow you. I just think your giving too much of yourself and not getting what you deserve in return. If she doesn't follow you...find a girl that will. End of story. I agree 110%..... If you really like her, let her know so she has to make the decision. I know you say you will be willing to be "friends" but you know that is not what you really want. She has to know that you will not just be there for her when she is not giving you what you need in the relationship. She will still respect you when you make that decision to stay or break away. You need to think of your needs and not just hers. You can't move on with your life until you know her decision so ask her.
mac007 Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Well, she is chosing the other person as her boyfriend. I would say leave it at that. Just say to her, "I find you attractive, but I don't think I can be with you as long as you have a boyfriend." She chose him. I said to one of my ex who has another boyfriend, "You shouldn't ask me to call you. I know I wouldn't want that in my girlfriend." Just think if you have her as a girlfriend, would she do the same thing to someone else? On the positive side, Some girls claim they have a boyfriend, when in fact they don't!
seabiscuit Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 i would not talk to her ever night and when i did i would make it 5 min at most. if she like you and you make yourself more mysteries she will come around to you.
seabiscuit Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 and defiantly not tell her your feelings. because once they know, they don't care!!!!!
browneyes22 Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Originally posted by seabiscuit and defiantly not tell her your feelings. because once they know, they don't care!!!!! That's so not true... If a fat bald guy gives a sincere and sweet complement to a girl she will be appreciative...even more so from a dude she's very attracted to.
Devildog Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Mr_One, I say decide what is acceptable to you. If just being friends is enough for you, do it. If you feel you can have a non-physical relationship with her, let things develop as they will. You can still get alot out of a relationship like this as long as a lack of physical intimacy is not a deal breaker for you. But be advised, a situation like this, your feelings will intensify. Know when to say when. When it gets to painful for you, get out.
seabiscuit Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 i don't know how to do that quote thing but, browneyes22 wrote something like if a bald guy blah blah blah....first off if a bald guy gave a woman, that was even decent looking, a complement she would probably think he was a weird old guy. and i don't care if she would appreciate it or not because if he was old, fat, bald and/or weird it wouldn't change the interest of the woman or man in that matter. i don't care if you call me cold hearted or shallow thats the truth and if you try to tell other wise your a da** lier or you or living in a fantasy world that you need to snap out of fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Curt Posted July 24, 2005 Moderators Posted July 24, 2005 The fact is you will never be any more to this girl than merely a friend. Might I add that you will spend a great deal of time listening to her relationship woes. You yourself,will find your own heart becoming more intertwined with her. As such, you'll become lost in her more and more. This is not a healthy situation for you to be in as, has already been stated, you have more than just friendship feelings for this girl. Break off contact with her after telling her your true feelings for her. Tell her that if she can eventually see you as more than a friend, to look you up. However, as long as she is with her BF, and her feelings do not change toward you, you are better off without any of her. You must come to understand that when you are emotionally invested in someone else and they are not equally as emotionally invested in you, that you will end up the loser. To thine own self be true. Sometimes we have to lose a battle to win the war. Peace.
loony Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 I'd tell any friend who came up with your story that he was wasting his time on this girl. She finds you attractive now (to her surprise) and probably would like to have sex with you, but not a relationship. The reason why she tells you that she also likes you even though she's in a relationship? You're being fed a bait, she's indirectly telling you to the make the right next move (you must show her you're worthy enough of her) or to show up at her doorstep like a crazy fan so she can reject you, because she has a boyfriend -- for the next couple of weeks, months, years (if you let her) this will be her excuse for you. She finds you attractive enough to get a kick out of you wanting her, but not that enough to have a relationship with you. If you really want to spark her interest, cut her off. Don't pay attention to her. When she tells you that she likes you, but is in a relationship, tell her that you like her as well and that you're really sorry, but that you don't go after women who are in relationships. You need to show her that your self-confidence matches your looks otherwise you are still just a bore, a cute one maybe, but nonetheless a bore. You'll be her trophy if you run after her. The good-looking guy who runs after her and whom she can show off to her girl friends (hm, now I'm not so sure anymore if she would really sleep with you...). Treat her like a friend, show her that you don't have hard feelings, but do your own thing, have enough stamina to withstand her approaches. "Even if I was to break up with him, I don't wanna rush into anything." This statement shows that she knows very well that you like her. She tells you she knows that you like her more than a friend, but also that she wants the freedom to make a decision about what she wants (and she's not convinced that it's you). She wants to be in control and you're her backup plan. Maybe you're proud to be good enough to be her backup plan, but I wouldn't... and I feel bad every day for her boyfriend, because she talks to me mostly every night until 2 or 3 in the morning. If she really has serious problems, it's ok if you spend time listening to her, but at a certain point you should also be aware that when she uses you as a shoulder to cry on, but doesn't make any other moves to take your relationship with her further, you're in the friends category. As it is clear that she knows that you're interested in her and she also is letting you know that she likes you as well, I'd be careful to let her use you as her counselor without meeting your emotional needs. If you're a platonic friend and things between you are clear, then it's ok to listen to her endlessly, but if you're a bit more than friends and she only takes and doesn't give you should ask yourself if this situation is really healthy for you. I don't think you will get much further with this girl if you don't change, she's indecisive, because you don't meet all her needs. If you did, she would have probably dumped her boyfriend already. She says her current relationship is not great, she likes you, she also sees that you're good friend, but she still doesn't want to date you, that means, there is something missing. I'd say the missing thing is self-confidence. You changed outside, but not inside and that shows in the way you act and she's also aware of this. If you're good-looking wussie, women will still not date you. On a sidenote, people should be honest enough to break up with their partners without putting the responsibility on their next potential mate for providing them with enough incentive to quit the current relationship. If she's the kind of person who needs you to give her the right signals so she can be sure that there's someone available for her when she leaves her boyfriend, she's not the right person to date.
Author Mr_One Posted July 24, 2005 Author Posted July 24, 2005 thanks everyone for the advice and comments. But i will test and see wat will work better and i'll let everyone know the update.
browneyes22 Posted July 24, 2005 Posted July 24, 2005 Originally posted by seabiscuit i don't know how to do that quote thing but, browneyes22 wrote something like if a bald guy blah blah blah....first off if a bald guy gave a woman, that was even decent looking, a complement she would probably think he was a weird old guy. and i don't care if she would appreciate it or not because if he was old, fat, bald and/or weird it wouldn't change the interest of the woman or man in that matter. i don't care if you call me cold hearted or shallow thats the truth and if you try to tell other wise your a da** lier or you or living in a fantasy world that you need to snap out of fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well...i've seen my dad and uncles in their old age charm the pants off of good looking girls (figuratively speaking). What i'm trying to get at is most girls do care. Perhaps you've been meeting the cold and heartless type of girls. For them, it's just a little harder to see sincerity. Look a complement is a complement...and if recieving one doesn't make you feel good about yourself your not human and something is wrong. Doesn't matter whom you recieve it from... But if you recieve one from a person you fancy as well then it is extra special. It sounds like you are hesitant to tell girls you like how your feelings. You shouldn't hesitate 'cause the proper girl for you will respond promply and positively to your feelings of interest. And that's no fantasy.
Curt Posted July 25, 2005 Moderators Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by Mr_One thanks everyone for the advice and comments. But i will test and see wat will work better and i'll let everyone know the update. Man, I really and truly do feel for you, as I went through a similar situation myself. On the one hand, I would honestly like to see you succeed in bringing her around. However, on the other hand, even if she did, she may do this same type of thing to YOU yourself at some point in the future. That's not a good thought. If you continue on with her in the fashion you are going, I fear that you may end up either heartbroken, bitter, or possibly even personally confused about what she (or perhaps any other woman ) really needs to see in a a guy in order to make him a possiblity for romance. Why do I suppose these things? Again, I have been there. It's not fun. Trust me, if it were up to me now, I would have done back then precisely what loony said, for the same general reasons. It would have been far better for me personally, and I would have never gotten too emotionally invested in something that was likely one-sided affection from the start. I would have taken it as a good learning experience, and moved on to the next woman. It took me a bit longer to do that than it really needed to, and it was wasted energy, emotion, and heartache (and personal self-doubt) for a person who apparently felt nothing for me (perhaps other than pity). You DO NOT want (and should not feel any need) to be her counselor. You want to be her LOVER. There is a great difference in the two, as you know. She has drawn the lines of friendship, and even if she keeps you "baited," as was stated previously by another poster, it will only to keep you as a good sounding board. You are not only too nice a guy, but are too available for her, and she knows it and is using it. Of course, I realize that saying this is perhaps wasted words. Problem is, in these types of situations you will likely need to see the error of your ways yourself, as I did. You will need to eventually get so emotionally tapped out, that you can no longer go on seeing the woman that you would so cherish yourself, always at arms length from you, never within embracing distance. I bid you strength. You will likely need it. Curt
loony Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by Curt If you continue on with her in the fashion you are going, I fear that you may end up either heartbroken, bitter, or possibly even personally confused about what she (or perhaps any other woman ) really needs to see in a a guy in order to make him a possiblity for romance. Why do I suppose these things? Again, I have been there. It's not fun. Of course, I realize that saying this is perhaps wasted words. Problem is, in these types of situations you will likely need to see the error of your ways yourself, as I did. You will need to eventually get so emotionally tapped out, that you can no longer go on seeing the woman that you would so cherish yourself, always at arms length from you, never within embracing distance. In order to get out of this vicious circle of rejection - low self-esteem - therefore another rejection - even lower self-esteem, etc. you have to take a good look at oneself and realize why you got rejected, where did you fail to meet someone's need. And even if it hurts one's ego - was it maybe justified? Would you yourself have been very turned on by someone who was so desperate and needy? How can you improve? What were the signs that should have made it clear for you that the other person did not have interest? I think to a certain degree people do need to make mistakes on their own otherwise they will carry the burden of the "what ifs" with them, what if they had misinterpreted the situation and missed a chance, because they listened to us? They should be smart enough though to come back and re-read the posts that warned them, because a lot of things only make sense after you have gained some experience in this field. An improved understanding of things prevents you from falling into this hole of bitterness, because you will know how to avoid making mistakes and also how to protect your feelings better. A lot of the pain that we experience is self-inflicted, we misinterpret what people are telling us, we want someone, because we think they can fill this void in us, we are too weak to withstand the meanness of other people. Sometimes people are mean, give us mixed signals, sometimes it's just misunderstandings, what we should not do is to let us submit to victimhood and blame the others if we could have also done our share to prevent the situation.
anne Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Originally posted by loony I'd tell any friend who came up with your story that he was wasting his time on this girl. She finds you attractive now (to her surprise) and probably would like to have sex with you, but not a relationship. I hate to say it, but I was the girl a few years ago, and I have to agree with loony. Though I wouldn't dare to say she's totally NOT interested in a relationship with you and only in sex (wtf would we know?), I honestly believe - this sounds weird but our situation was exactly te same as described here - she's not sure enough about you and (!) not sure enough about herself (!). IF she was sure, she would have split up with her current bf. On the other hand, you must realize it can be very very hard and difficult to end a lt- relationship. Maybe that is what keeping her back. But I agree: you're to available for her at the moment. Originally posted by loony On a sidenote, people should be honest enough to break up with their partners without putting the responsibility on their next potential mate for providing them with enough incentive to quit the current relationship. If she's the kind of person who needs you to give her the right signals so she can be sure that there's someone available for her when she leaves her boyfriend, she's not the right person to date. If you're really like her and are interested in more than friendship, you can talk to her about your true feelings/her feelings, and then, PLEASE STEP BACK! Tell her it won't work this way. You're doing yourself a favor, and (though she won't agree) it's the best thing you can do for her. Maybe you can keep in touch (but on a very low level!), but try to date other girls in the meanwhile, and give her time to make up her mind. Make it absolutely clear that you don't want her to play any more games with you and show self-confidence. That's what the guy did in my situation. I WAS truelly interested in him, but I still loved my bf too. He stepped back, told me to finally make up my mind (he was a bit angry - had a right to be!). After a few weeks/months I made up my mind, and decided to stay with my bf. We both feel more confident and more at ease because we did a lot of rethinking and talking. It's like we could start over again. The other guy is happy now with his girl and we're better friends than we were in the past. Platonic friends. You deserve some happiness too, and you're not helping the girl by just "being there" and staying available. I agree with loony that it's absolutely unfair to keep someone as a "back-up plan". Though I believe the girl cares about you (maybe a lot), she can't just use you like I used the other guy. I still regret it.
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