Lost in Affair

[kiyoma]

People like us really don't have any business on forums like this unless we are looking to end our affair, resurrect our marriages/relationships or we are people who have been betrayed and need support from people who have been through the trauma.

 

So, I can relate to what you are writing here - continue with the affair but whine about partner/relationship. What both of us is doing here is spreading our sob story and hoping that our feelings will be validated over the net by anonymous people because surely that **** won't be tolerated IRL by people people and if we ever dare say the things we write here, we will have it on both barrels. Do you get me?

 

In other words, no matter what you write here people will tell you the same things, the essence of which is - **** (end the affair) or get off the pot (divorce)

 

Tell your husband or donot tell - that is upto you. Or in the UNLIKELIEST case you get caught (only around 20% affairs are discovered), the case remains the same. YOUR H WILL NOT JUMP TO DIVORCE - not matter how much badly you treated him during the A. No man ever does. Because men in essence are the gender who suffers from inertia of life - they like their marital existence and will hold onto it dearly at the cost of his dignity. Plus various kinds of fear and mind****ery they suffer from post DDay, they come to divorce decision after a very significant amount of time has passed - even then they are filled with doubts and continue to suffer the humiliation.

 

But you can vastly lessen the chance of him leaving, if ever you get caught, as long as you shed some tears, throw the "I'm sorry" and some grass of affection. That is most men's eyes is their WW "making up for it" or "restitution for the A"

 

Fear not. You will be fine.

[Nailhead]

 

Tell your husband or donot tell - that is upto you. Or in the UNLIKELIEST case you get caught (only around 20% affairs are discovered), the case remains the same. YOUR H WILL NOT JUMP TO DIVORCE - not matter how much badly you treated him during the A. No man ever does. Because men in essence are the gender who suffers from inertia of life - they like their marital existence and will hold onto it dearly at the cost of his dignity. Plus various kinds of fear and mind****ery they suffer from post DDay, they come to divorce decision after a very significant amount of time has passed - even then they are filled with doubts and continue to suffer the humiliation.

 

But you can vastly lessen the chance of him leaving, if ever you get caught, as long as you shed some tears, throw the "I'm sorry" and some grass of affection. That is most men's eyes is their WW "making up for it" or "restitution for the A"

 

Fear not. You will be fine.

 

Do not be so sure. I dropped mine like a bad habit and never looked back.

 

In the United States, 17% of all the divorces that occur are due to adultery on the part of either or both the parties

While a large number of divorces are caused by extramarital affairs most of them do not end in remarriage between the parties involved in the affair

 

Latest Infidelity Statistics of USA

 

Tears of remorse are much better than tears from being caught. It does not take long for the male to figure that out.

[ConInLA]

I tried so hard not to post on your thread because I just don't see this ending well for you. Your story reminds me of another from a while back. We all eventually suspect, affairs get busted, the longer yours goes on the higher the probability of being discovered. I remember having a similar conversation with a lady poster a while back. She was cheating on her husband, we all warned her(some of those that warned her are on your thread warning you) that getting caught would be a lot worse for her then if she confessed her infidelity. Wouldn't you know it, her husband had suspected for a while and actually called her hotel room(she was on a business trip with her co worker other man) in the middle of the night, other man answered her phone, guess the phone was on his side of the bed and he was closer to it. Her husband simply asked to speak to his wife. Well you can imagine what was waiting for her when she got home, divorce papers. The husband refused reconciliation, wham, bam, a$$ out the door, she was in shock and never quite recovered. She thought she was special and that she too would never get caught but infidelity always finds a way into the light.

 

All that you are doing now will one day have to be explained to this man that you claim to love, ya, how you valued the O/M's pen*s abilities over him and your marriage. You will have to do the same with your young children when they are old enough because they will want to know why their mommy and daddy didn't want to stay with them as a family. Your in your twenties, how the hell are you going to make it to your eighties if you can't be faithful this early in your marriage? He's already asking about your late nights, that's one of the biggest red flags for any betrayed spouse. I can probably name at least 6 other things you are doing that he has already googled. By the way, he is bringing up the late nights comment because he wants you to know he is on to you. He's watching to see what you do with the information. Choose wisely.

 

Just my opinion but I think your days are numbered. Think hard about the major change that is coming into your life and prepare yourself. Bringing a third person into an already troubled marriage isn't going to fix anything. All your doing is taking the time you should be spending on making your marriage work with your husband and wasting the effort on a nothing relationship. No relationship will ever work if your only in it part time. You may be a great mother but you are a ...... wife. You fill in the appropriate word. The foundation of every good marriage is honesty and trust, your failing miserably.

 

You're right. I have really been foolishly caught up in something that is detrimental to my health and my family. Part of me hates myself for it because I truly wish that I would have never done this. And I know you are right, I'm sure he is wondering about my recent behavior. He actually told me the other day that I sounded depressed. That and he actually just asked me last night out of the blue: "What more do you want from me? I really do try." My heart broke when he said that. There really is nothing more that he can do. Believe me, I hate myself for this. I just block out the fact that I could possibly get caught. I think I am taking all the precautions but I probably am not being as cautious as I would like to think. I have been so careless. As one poster mentioned, "I need to put my big girl panties on and end it." I have no clue why I continue to continue on in a nothing relationship that is centered completely on sex. I'm sure that I will look back on this one day full of despair and regret. Well, I actually already have that but I am sure it will be more of a weight in the future. I am a awful wife lately though, in case you are wondering. I am so distracted lately and it has been effecting my home life. You're right, it's time that I face and deal with my actions.

[QuietDan]

One serious real concern I have for this situation I the disregard for the consequences of unprotected sex here. HIV is still a very real and present threat/risk. Many of the other STD can have some really nasty destructive effect on a persons body and long term health. With out review everything that you posted in this thread, it sounds like you and the other man are having a significant amount of unprotected sex. It also sounds like he is still playing the field as much as he can, as fast as he can.....if this is the case, you are putting both your life, and your husband's life at serious risk here. Which could also seriously adversely affect the lives of your children. This is some serious high risk dangerous behavior. The almost callous disregard that you have for the health risks that you are subjecting an potentially unsuspecting person is troubling, disconcerting, and to some extent depressing.... I hope that you are making your husband wear protection. Have you been getting regular test to make sure that you haven't contracted a STD? Or, is this type of concern for you husband's life and health beyond the scope of your present capacity to have or show love for him?

[aliveagain]

People like us really don't have any business on forums like this unless we are looking to end our affair, resurrect our marriages/relationships or we are people who have been betrayed and need support from people who have been through the trauma.

 

So, I can relate to what you are writing here - continue with the affair but whine about partner/relationship. What both of us is doing here is spreading our sob story and hoping that our feelings will be validated over the net by anonymous people because surely that **** won't be tolerated IRL by people people and if we ever dare say the things we write here, we will have it on both barrels. Do you get me?

 

In other words, no matter what you write here people will tell you the same things, the essence of which is - **** (end the affair) or get off the pot (divorce)

 

Please allow me to correct you, maybe I am not the norm here but I had a mover at our home in less then 30 days. My exwas one of the sneakier ones, 2 year affair, affair child and tried to pass him off as mine, tried to have me arrested even had the balls to invite her affair partner to my home under the guise of being one of her girlfriend's date. I actually made the POS dinner twice. Some of us have zero tolerance for infidelity and anyone stupid enough to test us deserves what they get. My ex still try's to find me, I remain unlisted to this day. I now lead the life she always wished for, rich(I am a founder of a world class medical company that deals with HIV, Hepatitis B&C and other life threating STD's). Your advice will help her continue her wayward ways but it won't help her save her marriage. I guess she needs to decide what it is she wants, there are tons of guys without boundaries that will sleep with another man's wife.

 

[ConInLA]

I also echo this in agreement.

 

There have been some affairs that haven't been discovered but I imagine it would eat at the heart of soul of the person until it destroyed them from within to harbor such a secret and 2 it will eat away at your marriage continuing to make it worse.

 

The longer you continue this the higher probability yours will be of discovery.

 

I have felt the way you feel about your husband physically and mentally it is your minds way of dealing with your affair and making it 'okay' in your head. I would bet that buried inside of you is a lot of love and respect for your husband but you have buried it and if you were to get caught and lose your marriage because of it you will one day come to truly regret your choices.

 

Now, yes, i am sure you regret them now but currently you are not choosing to fight for anything. You are just caught up and hoping someone else or something else can make the decision for you. What is it you want to fight for?

 

Thanks HeCantBreakMe. I really do appreciate the advice. You're right my mind is playing all types of tricks on me, just so I can justify why I got involved in this affair. I know I would regret this, if I were found out. It would hurt not just my family,but my in laws and my family, and friends. It would shock everyone because I really do portray the "perfect" wife and person. You are so correct with your last paragraph. I almost think this is a bad dream and I just want to wake up from it. I hate that I have disrespected my marriage and that I shared my body with another who doesn't even love me.

[drifter777]

...

 

Tell your husband or donot tell - that is upto you. Or in the UNLIKELIEST case you get caught (only around 20% affairs are discovered), the case remains the same. YOUR H WILL NOT JUMP TO DIVORCE - not matter how much badly you treated him during the A. No man ever does.

This statement is so true and backed up by reams of scientific research. Of course there are men who will dump their WW immediately on or after d-day but they are very rare.

Because men in essence are the gender who suffers from inertia of life - they like their marital existence and will hold onto it dearly at the cost of his dignity. Plus various kinds of fear and mind****ery they suffer from post DDay, they come to divorce decision after a very significant amount of time has passed - even then they are filled with doubts and continue to suffer the humiliation.

Thank you so much for the clear, concise and oh-so-true evaluation of the male mindset. You description here is perfect.

But you can vastly lessen the chance of him leaving, if ever you get caught, as long as you shed some tears, throw the "I'm sorry" and some grass of affection. That is most men's eyes is their WW "making up for it" or "restitution for the A"

 

Fear not. You will be fine.

And thank you so much for speaking the truth about this. Us men are so afraid of upsetting our "inertia of life" we are willing to believe damn near anything in order to excuse WW and get things back to "normal". We are desperate for a way to regain some of our self-esteem and find even a short respite for the constant "you are a weak piece of $hit" record playing in our minds.

 

Your observation that, over time, the disgusting truth, the humiliation, and the clarity of the out and out depravity demonstrated by his WW can, and often does, break him down to the point he is willing to make a change. It's like before he puts a bullet into his head he might just as well try to make a life for himself that does NOT include WW. A man's need for a stable home-life and fear of losing it is this strong.

Edited February 9, 2017 by drifter777

[Nailhead]

I'm sure he is wondering about my recent behavior. He actually told me the other day that I sounded depressed. That and he actually just asked me last night out of the blue: "What more do you want from me? I really do try." .

 

Your H senses the distance between you and him. His gut is now working and wondering what is going on. But like a trusting soul he is chalking it up to depression. Poor fella.

[BaileyB]

I'm glad that you are going to see a counsellor because I really do wonder if you are depressed...

 

Reading your posts, it feels like you are spinning your wheels. So, I'll ask you to questions - just something to consider...

 

If things could be different, how would you want it to be different?

 

And then, what kind of changes will you need to make to move closer to what you want?

[ConInLA]

Con -

 

If you were being 100% faithful, and you found out that your H was heavily involved in an A, would you want to R or D?

 

I would want to R and work on it.

[drifter777]

But you can vastly lessen the chance of him leaving, if ever you get caught, as long as you shed some tears, throw the "I'm sorry" and some grass of affection. That is most men's eyes is their WW "making up for it" or "restitution for the A"

 

Fear not. You will be fine.

 

I tried to edit this but was too late.

 

I need to add that many posters here - especially WW's - will take issue with this and swear that this does not describe them nor their situation. Ok ladies, I believe you. In general, however, I strongly believe that woman fake their way through D-day and "reconciliation" - never feeling an ounce of remorse. Their entitlement knows no bounds. In their hearts they believe that other people just don't understand how bad things were/are and that the cheating was their ONLY choice. At best it's "I'm sorry you are hurt by this but it's something I had to do for ME".

[ConInLA]

Is it really duty sex and not pity sex? If I may ask, what repulses you about your H occasionally?

 

Yea, it's more duty sex. And I'm not sure. I just get irritated with him sometimes and the way he thinks I have to have sex just because he wants it. It's misogynistic.

[ConInLA]

And, of course, that would not be wise or advised.

 

The thing is to do your coping with and healing through this difficult time in ways that do not carry all this potential for hurt and pain and damage and harm. It is your responsibility and obligation to yourself and your spouse to FIND the healthy and positive ways - the self-expanding and growth-inspiring ways - that best work for you.

 

An affair just doesn't fit that bill, and neither does wallowing in self-pity and the 'what-can-I-do-about-it?-I'm-so-helpless-and-out-of-control' mentality.

 

You're absolutely right. I need to take responsibility for my actions and stop all of the melodramatics.

[QuietDan]

Well.... I guess you showed him....maybe this was about unresolved anger and resentment...a type of passive aggressive revenge and maybe???

[ConInLA]

Agree with aliveagain. Your hubby prob is already suspicious.

 

I knew I was bailing on my ExW (I realized I will always be her #2) but kept it to myself. Ill never forget, my plan was to leave on Friday (no kids, and I could care less about $$).

 

ExW, on Wednesday, jokingly said something to the effect in a laughing matter "Honey, if I didn't know better, I would think you're leaving me". I looked her in the eye and said "I am. You got 48 more hours with me".

 

Yup, packed up and was gone. No explanation necessary. Her Entitlement trumped my commitment. Nuff said.

 

My entitlement got me in this mess.

[ConInLA]

tion.

 

But you can vastly lessen the chance of him leaving, if ever you get caught, as long as you shed some tears, throw the "I'm sorry" and some grass of affection. That is most men's eyes is their WW "making up for it" or "restitution for the A"

 

Fear not. You will be fine.

 

I'm not this heartless, actually. I actually fear that this is going to eat away at my soul for years to come. I would be lying though if part me doesn't think that he would forgive me anyway because he loves me. I'm not sure if that is reality though.

[ConInLA]

Well.... I guess you showed him....maybe this was about unresolved anger and resentment...a type of passive aggressive revenge and maybe???

 

At the time, I was very unhappy and angry with him. An affair still was a bad way to voice my unhappiness in my marriage. Hindsight is 20/20.

[Nailhead]

Yea, it's more duty sex. And I'm not sure. I just get irritated with him sometimes and the way he thinks I have to have sex just because he wants it. It's misogynistic.

 

That is a two way street. And what if your H simply has sex with you because you want it? I have sex with my W simply because she wants it. Yet, I'm not off with OW. I give my W my full undivided attention in that department. Not sure how it is prejudiced against a woman specifically when you AP simply wants sex when he wants it.

[Nailhead]

I'm not this heartless, actually. I actually fear that this is going to eat away at my soul for years to come. I would be lying though if part me doesn't think that he would forgive me anyway because he loves me. I'm not sure if that is reality though.

 

You know it will eat away at you. This is the reason you are here on this forum. It bothers you now. Your H may forgive you but he will never forget.

[GoldenR]

I would want to R and work on it.

 

This is surprising to me. A man that repulses you (at times) during sex, and that you only give duty/pity sex to...you'd want to stay with if he cheated on you.

 

May I ask, why?

[ConInLA]

One serious real concern I have for this situation I the disregard for the consequences of unprotected sex here. HIV is still a very real and present threat/risk. Many of the other STD can have some really nasty destructive effect on a persons body and long term health. With out review everything that you posted in this thread, it sounds like you and the other man are having a significant amount of unprotected sex. It also sounds like he is still playing the field as much as he can, as fast as he can.....if this is the case, you are putting both your life, and your husband's life at serious risk here. Which could also seriously adversely affect the lives of your children. This is some serious high risk dangerous behavior. The almost callous disregard that you have for the health risks that you are subjecting an potentially unsuspecting person is troubling, disconcerting, and to some extent depressing.... I hope that you are making your husband wear protection. Have you been getting regular test to make sure that you haven't contracted a STD? Or, is this type of concern for you husband's life and health beyond the scope of your present capacity to have or show love for him?

 

Yes, I got tested last week and everything was negative. I am not sure what he is doing. He can't be getting that much sex from that many different women if he is still trying to sleep with me once or twice a week. I'm not sure any man getting that much great ass would continue to deal with a married woman and her drama.

[Nailhead]

Yes, I got tested last week and everything was negative. I am not sure what he is doing. He can't be getting that much sex from that many different women if he is still trying to sleep with me once or twice a week. I'm not sure any man getting that much great ass would continue to deal with a married woman and her drama.

 

He is a glutton for punishment. J/K It appears to be casual sex to OM. No real strings. A time away from reality. Maybe in OM mind he feels he is pulling one over on your H. Fun and games. Feel bad for your H. Does not deserve this.

[ConInLA]

I tried to edit this but was too late.

 

I need to add that many posters here - especially WW's - will take issue with this and swear that this does not describe them nor their situation. Ok ladies, I believe you. In general, however, I strongly believe that woman fake their way through D-day and "reconciliation" - never feeling an ounce of remorse. Their entitlement knows no bounds. In their hearts they believe that other people just don't understand how bad things were/are and that the cheating was their ONLY choice. At best it's "I'm sorry you are hurt by this but it's something I had to do for ME".

 

This may be true. I haven't felt guilty that often during these 5 months. Don't get me wrong, I know it's wrong and I just want to get over it already. That's the part I struggle with the most: getting over the affair. I think the heavy guilt will come after it's done.

[Nailhead]

This may be true. I haven't felt guilty that often during these 5 months. Don't get me wrong, I know it's wrong and I just want to get over it already. That's the part I struggle with the most: getting over the affair. I think the heavy guilt will come after it's done.

 

It appears you are pulling off a band aid very slowly so it will not hurt as much.

No matter how slow you pull.. the pain will still be the same.

[Owl6118]

I would be lying though if part me doesn't think that he would forgive me anyway because he loves me.

 

There is a third alternative. A common one, actually, which is forgiveness without reconciliation.

 

I loved someone desperately once, and she hurt me desperately for reasons I could not understand. Years later I did sort of understand, and forgave her. But I did separate my life from hers. I forgave her, still love her in memory, but she is not part of my life.