Lost in Affair

[ConInLA]

He is a glutton for punishment. J/K It appears to be casual sex to OM. No real strings. A time away from reality. Maybe in OM mind he feels he is pulling one over on your H. Fun and games. Feel bad for your H. Does not deserve this.

 

No, he doesn't. He deserves a faithful wife. I do love this man though. And I have no clue what runs through my AP's head. I actually read up on limerance as one poster suggested earlier. I think a good tactic for me getting everything out of my system, is to tap more into the anger I feel for him. I am angry at him for taking me on the same destructive path that he was on in the past. His affair ended badly. No good guy, would do this. A good guy would have stopped the flirting, told me what he went through and declined the invitation. I know that sounds like I am blame shifting. I am not.

[Nailhead]

No, he doesn't. He deserves a faithful wife. I do love this man though. And I have no clue what runs through my AP's head. I actually read up on limerance as one poster suggested earlier. I think a good tactic for me getting everything out of my system, is to tap more into the anger I feel for him. I am angry at him for taking me on the same destructive path that he was on in the past. His affair ended badly. No good guy, would do this. A good guy would have stopped the flirting, told me what he went through and declined the invitation. I know that sounds like I am blame shifting. I am not.

 

Old saying...it takes two to tango. At the end of the day you are just a good time for OM. You point out your H as mysoginistic when your OM is simply the same.

[Ronni_W]

You're absolutely right. I need to take responsibility for my actions and stop all of the melodramatics.

So...start doing that NOW.

 

Stop getting caught up in all of the melodramatics of each person's take on your situation, and stop expending your Energies and time just staying stuck in all of it.

You are feeding off of the melodramatics going on in your own head, of a need or some sort of compulsion to defend every sentence or thought in your head.

 

Focus OUTSIDE of LoveShack, and give your full, undivided attention and efforts to taking 100% responsibility and holding yourself 100% accountable for all of your thoughts, feelings and actions ONLY in your own real life and marriage.

 

Stop choosing a path that has, basically, the highest potential for self-destruction and your own long-term unhappiness.

[BluesPower]

Yes, I got tested last week and everything was negative. I am not sure what he is doing. He can't be getting that much sex from that many different women if he is still trying to sleep with me once or twice a week. I'm not sure any man getting that much great ass would continue to deal with a married woman and her drama.

 

You have no idea who you OM is sleeping with. Also, For HIV it does not appear right away all the time. You have to get tested every 3 months for a year after unprotected sex to be sure that you are clean.

 

For example, I'm 52. I have a standing Friday date/sex night with my main GF. She is the only woman that I have unprotected sex with. Then I usually see several of my other girls during the week. And I just took out a new girl that I will see this weekend. She will be one of my main girls, I like her a lot.

 

You are putting your life and the life of your husband at risk with what you are doing. You have to understand that.

 

Why would you have unprotected sex with a single guy? And why would you not use condoms.

 

You really have no idea what you are doing. And guess what, the drama is all on your side. He could care less.

 

Please divorce your husband so you can live the single life...

[QuietDan]

You don't have to respond or address the following. But I find myself contemplating the following. In the past, with this sort of stuff going on, I noticed a couple of times the wayward in the thread is working on owning there part of it... a lot of mitigating issues sometimes do not show up until the thread has been in play for some time.

Again, a bit out of out of bounds. These issues do not excuse cheating or affairs. But, the following issues may very well part of this equations.

What is the source for all of this anger? Does your husband have a serious drinking problem? Does he have a history of cheating on you? Is he verbally and physically abusive? Is this an exit/revenge affair? You mentioned that you have some serious unresolved anger issues with your sex life with your husband. Did/Does he rape you? Sometimes these type of passive aggressive boundary issues go back previous traumatic events. Where you sexually abused as a child? Where you raped in your past and carrying hidden unresolved guilt and anger issues. If not confronted and addressed, past traumas seem to some times play out in some very self destructive ways later on in life. Although your husband may not be the guilty party in this, you may be punishing him for something someone else did. All it took was some sort of associated trigger or reminder to set off these sequence of events. A look, a phrase, some associated smell... he tried a new after shave on ... unfortunately it was the same one that reminded you of something terrible... A lot of things can trigger a person into Wayward activities...Hopefully I.C. will discover and help you work through any of these issues that may be relevant. Whether or not this relationship with your husband can be salvage is yet to be seen.

[deadsoul]

You're right. I have really been foolishly caught up in something that is detrimental to my health and my family. Part of me hates myself for it because I truly wish that I would have never done this. And I know you are right, I'm sure he is wondering about my recent behavior. He actually told me the other day that I sounded depressed. That and he actually just asked me last night out of the blue: "What more do you want from me? I really do try." My heart broke when he said that. There really is nothing more that he can do. Believe me, I hate myself for this. I just block out the fact that I could possibly get caught. I think I am taking all the precautions but I probably am not being as cautious as I would like to think. I have been so careless. As one poster mentioned, "I need to put my big girl panties on and end it." I have no clue why I continue to continue on in a nothing relationship that is centered completely on sex. I'm sure that I will look back on this one day full of despair and regret. Well, I actually already have that but I am sure it will be more of a weight in the future. I am a awful wife lately though, in case you are wondering. I am so distracted lately and it has been effecting my home life. You're right, it's time that I face and deal with my actions.

 

You are where I was and it was tough. Really tough. I could've posted this word for word a few months back. I think it was a blessing in disguise I got ghosted. There's no push pull and there's no roller coaster or anything. It was just done, finished. It hurt a lot and I still struggle with it. I hope if you decide to end it and keep quiet you can hold the guilt in better than I could. I wish I could've carried it all, I felt I deserved it for what I've done. But then I realized I couldn't move forward in an honest relationship with my BH unless I told. But that was also the hardest thing I've ever done. I still don't know what's going to happen. The only thing keeping me going right now is I'm no longer living a lie.

 

I will tell you this, what you're doing can't continue (based on what you've said here) and you'll need to make a decision to do something soon. And whatever you do, it's going to be really tough, but you are strong and can do it.

[aliveagain]

You are where I was and it was tough. Really tough. I could've posted this word for word a few months back. I think it was a blessing in disguise I got ghosted. There's no push pull and there's no roller coaster or anything. It was just done, finished. It hurt a lot and I still struggle with it. I hope if you decide to end it and keep quiet you can hold the guilt in better than I could. I wish I could've carried it all, I felt I deserved it for what I've done. But then I realized I couldn't move forward in an honest relationship with my BH unless I told. But that was also the hardest thing I've ever done. I still don't know what's going to happen. The only thing keeping me going right now is I'm no longer living a lie.

 

I will tell you this, what you're doing can't continue (based on what you've said here) and you'll need to make a decision to do something soon. And whatever you do, it's going to be really tough, but you are strong and can do it.

 

How can you rebuild what has been broken unless you both start at ground zero? As long as you and the other man have secrets from your husband you are intentionally putting your husband on the outside, he's the third wheel in his own marriage. He just doesn't know it yet and he's probably thinking that the reason you are unhappy is his fault. I think you've done enough to the poor man, you need to tell him you've brought a predator into your marriage. If it's too much for you to do it on your own arrange to do it in front of a counselor or your minister. No one here wants you to fail, you have babies and they deserve every opportunity to have a good life, they are innocent. You need to stop thinking of the man that is helping you destroy your family in a kind and loving way, he is a predator. You promised to protect your husband when he wasn't there to do it himself, is it too late?

[Cephalopod]

Yea, it's more duty sex. And I'm not sure. I just get irritated with him sometimes and the way he thinks I have to have sex just because he wants it. It's misogynistic.

 

What he wants is to feel loved by you. You don't love hm, and he senses that.

[oldlion]

First I want to say I'm not posting this to influence any of your decisions or to hurt you in any way. I read QuietDan's post #100 with all the questions he ask about the intimacy/sex between you and your husband. And I read your answers. I'm not your husband but I'm going to tell you how I would feel if my wife was ask the same questions and gave the same answers you gave. First, I love my wife more than any other person in the world, including my children who I would gladly die in their place. If my wife felt and answered like you, I would want out of the marriage immediately. I would pack my belongings, rent myself a house (in a complete other town) and be gone. You say you love him, and I believe you do, but you make it sound as though you see him as something like a bothersome brother that you tolerate having around. I could not live with a wife who viewed our intimacy or our life together in this way. Me, your husband, and any other man I know deserves more than this in a marriage. I think I read where you said that sex got routine after 9 years of marriage. I disagree. I have been married much longer than you have been alive ( my children are all grown) and I can assure you that intimacy between my wife and I is anything but routine. You know why? Because we don't let it get routine. It's not as often as when we were younger but just as intense. To be clear, our marriage has not been all roses. The first 15 years we had more problems than the United Nations. You name the problem and we probably had it. We stopped, talked it out and reconnected the way we were in the honeymoon phase of our marriage and after many years we are still there. So when couples start talking about how their marriage got stale I just shake my head and wish they knew some of what I know. I suppose most people are like me and have to learn the hard way. Someone once told me that life is a hard teacher. It gives you the test first and lesson afterwards. You are in the test phase. Be true to yourself and to your husband. I wish you well.

[road]

I just don't understand your way of thinking, you love your husband but give him pity sex and find him repulsive? This makes no sense

 

That is because she in her brain and actions, she has replaced her BH with

the OM.

 

 

She only wants to have sex with the OM because to have sex with her BH

she then would be cheating on the OM and she wants to be loyal to her OM.

Standard WW emotions.

 

 

WW's build a case in their mind that allows them to justify demonizing their

BH so they are justified to replace and "do" their OM. This is known as

false justification.

 

 

This is another reason why NC with the OM is non-negotiable for as

long as contact happens with the OM the WW can never come out of

the fog of her faulty logic and lose the feelings for the OM. Without

her detoxing from the OM she will never have her feelings come back

for her BH. Feelings that she always had.

[road]

I tried so hard not to post on your thread because I just don't see this ending well for you. Your story reminds me of another from a while back. We all eventually suspect, affairs get busted, the longer yours goes on the higher the probability of being discovered. I remember having a similar conversation with a lady poster a while back. She was cheating on her husband, we all warned her(some of those that warned her are on your thread warning you) that getting caught would be a lot worse for her then if she confessed her infidelity. Wouldn't you know it, her husband had suspected for a while and actually called her hotel room(she was on a business trip with her co worker other man) in the middle of the night, other man answered her phone, guess the phone was on his side of the bed and he was closer to it. Her husband simply asked to speak to his wife. Well you can imagine what was waiting for her when she got home, divorce papers. The husband refused reconciliation, wham, bam, a$$ out the door, she was in shock and never quite recovered. She thought she was special and that she too would never get caught but infidelity always finds a way into the light.

 

All that you are doing now will one day have to be explained to this man that you claim to love, ya, how you valued the O/M's pen*s abilities over him and your marriage. You will have to do the same with your young children when they are old enough because they will want to know why their mommy and daddy didn't want to stay with them as a family. Your in your twenties, how the hell are you going to make it to your eighties if you can't be faithful this early in your marriage? He's already asking about your late nights, that's one of the biggest red flags for any betrayed spouse. I can probably name at least 6 other things you are doing that he has already googled. By the way, he is bringing up the late nights comment because he wants you to know he is on to you. He's watching to see what you do with the information. Choose wisely.

 

Just my opinion but I think your days are numbered. Think hard about the major change that is coming into your life and prepare yourself. Bringing a third person into an already troubled marriage isn't going to fix anything. All your doing is taking the time you should be spending on making your marriage work with your husband and wasting the effort on a nothing relationship. No relationship will ever work if your only in it part time. You may be a great mother but you are a ...... wife. You fill in the appropriate word. The foundation of every good marriage is honesty and trust, your failing miserably.

 

I forgot about that WW. Good reminder.

[road]

Yea, it's more duty sex. And I'm not sure. I just get irritated with him sometimes and the way he thinks I have to have sex just because he wants it. It's misogynistic.

 

Yet you give sex to the OM just because he wants it.

[georgyboy]

ROAD

Sofie 2012

was the Lady in question

Edited February 10, 2017 by georgyboy

[ConInLA]

You are where I was and it was tough. Really tough. I could've posted this word for word a few months back. I think it was a blessing in disguise I got ghosted. There's no push pull and there's no roller coaster or anything. It was just done, finished. It hurt a lot and I still struggle with it. I hope if you decide to end it and keep quiet you can hold the guilt in better than I could. I wish I could've carried it all, I felt I deserved it for what I've done. But then I realized I couldn't move forward in an honest relationship with my BH unless I told. But that was also the hardest thing I've ever done. I still don't know what's going to happen. The only thing keeping me going right now is I'm no longer living a lie.

 

I will tell you this, what you're doing can't continue (based on what you've said here) and you'll need to make a decision to do something soon. And whatever you do, it's going to be really tough, but you are strong and can do it.

 

I'm not sure how to private message you on here. Do you know how?

[ConInLA]

You promised to protect your husband when he wasn't there to do it himself, is it too late?

 

No, it isn't too late. I really appreciate your advice aliveagain. I am trying to regain my life back. You are right, I need to protect my husband and stop associating myself with someone who doesn't have my best interest in heart. Like you said, a nothing relationship. I am going to go no contact with him soon and keep on with my IC so I can figure out what is going on inside myself and why I felt so vulnerable to him in the first place.

[ConInLA]

That is because she in her brain and actions, she has replaced her BH with

the OM.

 

She only wants to have sex with the OM because to have sex with her BH

she then would be cheating on the OM and she wants to be loyal to her OM.

Standard WW emotions.

 

 

WW's build a case in their mind that allows them to justify demonizing their

BH so they are justified to replace and "do" their OM. This is known as

false justification.

 

 

This is another reason why NC with the OM is non-negotiable for as

long as contact happens with the OM the WW can never come out of

the fog of her faulty logic and lose the feelings for the OM. Without

her detoxing from the OM she will never have her feelings come back

for her BH. Feelings that she always had.

 

This is the only part of your post that I disagree with. I do not feel loyal to him. I just think it's hard for me to connect with my husband sexually because I know what I have done with this man. Which to be honest, I currently find more enjoyable. But you are right, I do recognize that I can't get over the affair until I go no contact with the OM. I will be doing this. It does suck because he was a friend that I had fun with, but I need to realize as aliveagain said that he was a predator to my marriage. The way that he jumped at sleeping with me with little thought, actually shows me his character. I have no clue, why I continue to risk my marriage with a man who loves me for someone that I know that I wouldn't even date if it were all to blow up in my face. A cheap thrill is not worth breaking up my marriage. I do need to work on my marriage and seriously try to rekindle what we had. This is why I need to step away from it all and really find out in IC what makes ME happy. This is a destructive path that I am on and I need to get back to the person that I once was because I actually miss her and the happiness that she had.

[Nailhead]

This is the only part of your post that I disagree with. I do not feel loyal to him. I just think it's hard for me to connect with my husband sexually because I know what I have done with this man. Which to be honest, I currently find more enjoyable. But you are right, I do recognize that I can't get over the affair until I go no contact with the OM. I will be doing this. It does suck because he was a friend that I had fun with, but I need to realize as aliveagain said that he was a predator to my marriage. The way that he jumped at sleeping with me with little thought, actually shows me his character. I have no clue, why I continue to risk my marriage with a man who loves me for someone that I know that I wouldn't even date if it were all to blow up in my face. A cheap thrill is not worth breaking up my marriage. I do need to work on my marriage and seriously try to rekindle what we had. This is why I need to step away from it all and really find out in IC what makes ME happy. This is a destructive path that I am on and I need to get back to the person that I once was because I actually miss her and the happiness that she had.

 

You are heading in the right direction! You see, a few posts back, you stated this will eat away at you. It already has started. It is evident in this post. I truly believe you are seeing the light concerning OM. Snake in the grass comes to mind. I'm betting your H is also missing that once happy you. The happiness she HAD. You see, only you can make you happy. Your H and OM can not do that for you. It is clear OM is not contributing to your wellbeing mentally. In short, it is a bad drug. Time to drop the habit before you hit rock bottom. That is generally a place will things may not go easy at all when looking to get off the bottom.

[aliveagain]

It is hard for you to connect with your husband because you are having sex with another man. The oxytocin that is released when you and other man have sex is causing you to bond with him, the more sex the stronger the bond. This is causing you to detach from your husband. What you don't understand is passionate love fades as attachment grows. If you and your husband divorce and you and other man end up together it would only be a matter of time before your in a similar situation. Here is the kicker, once your husband discovers your infidelity, regardless of when that is, he will start to detach from you as you attempt to reattach.

 

Your only starting to see the problems your 4 months of infidelity are causing you. You sold your soul for what? All the while as you have these great loving thoughts about O/M he is helping you burn your house to the ground. You are going to be so angry at yourself, really angry because you know what your doing and yet you keep telling yourself your too weak to stop it. Affairs are best suited for emotionally detached stoic people, sociopaths/psychopaths, the callous ones, people that are masters at compartmentalizing that have little to no empathy(I believe one of them has already responded to your post, they will be serial offenders with many failed relationships). You can stop this anytime you want, you don't need me to tell you that, your here because you know it and want to find a way out and save your marriage at the same time. Honesty girl, honesty.

[Overtaxed]

It is hard for you to connect with your husband because you are having sex with another man. The oxytocin that is released when you and other man have sex is causing you to bond with him, the more sex the stronger the bond. This is causing you to detach from your husband. What you don't understand is passionate love fades as attachment grows. If you and your husband divorce and you and other man end up together it would only be a matter of time before your in a similar situation. Here is the kicker, once your husband discovers your infidelity, regardless of when that is, he will start to detach from you as you attempt to reattach.

 

Your only starting to see the problems your 4 months of infidelity are causing you. You sold your soul for what? All the while as you have these great loving thoughts about O/M he is helping you burn your house to the ground. You are going to be so angry at yourself, really angry because you know what your doing and yet you keep telling yourself your too weak to stop it. Affairs are best suited for emotionally detached stoic people, sociopaths/psychopaths, the callous ones, people that are masters at compartmentalizing that have little to no empathy(I believe one of them has already responded to your post, they will be serial offenders with many failed relationships). You can stop this anytime you want, you don't need me to tell you that, your here because you know it and want to find a way out and save your marriage at the same time. Honesty girl, honesty.

 

I'll just add, this is exactly the behavior I saw in my wife. She detached from me more and more as the A wore on, leaving me looking around wondering "What the heck is going on here??". And what AliveAgain is telling you is dead on. If you're not a narc or sociopath, you are eventually going to sit back and think to yourself, "What the he** have I done". Probably as your life is in flames all around you. It's very likely that your AP is just there for the sex, and much like my wife's, will disappear from your life as soon as it's exposed, perhaps only to reappear when he thinks he can get some "on the side" again without arising suspicion.

 

When I first posted my story, please commented and told me it was cliche. And, man, after being here for a month and reading other situations, was it ever. I only hope that you, and other's (hopefully before the A turns physical) come in here and realize what you're actually going to do, both to yourself and your life, by chasing after this fantasy. Your AP almost certainly does not really care about you. Yes, he likes the sex. Perhaps even likes your company. But he's not your soulmate, and he's not going to be there like your husband would be in tough times. And, depending on your husband's reaction, your life will come crumbling down. You won't wear a scarlet letter, but everyone in your family (and his) will know what you've done. Those stolen moments with the AP will be a distant memory, but the reality of what you did, your financial situation, and the scorn from others will follow you for a lifetime. People do not look kindly on cheaters, and even less so on female cheaters; not saying it's fair, but it's the way of the world. Your AP has a LOT less to lose than you do; and he's filling you emotionally because it's an easy way to get sex, not because he actually cares.

 

If women knew how scripted these conversations (AP to WW) actually are, I honestly think, most of you would never do it. It's a ploy to get you naked, and it's designed specifically to take advantage of whatever areas in your life you're husband lacks. It's underhanded, yes, but you are the gatekeeper, you are the one who can stop it, and you are the one who has a chance to redeem themselves. Trust me, your AP sure as heck isn't going to.

[Marc878]

This is the only part of your post that I disagree with. I do not feel loyal to him. I just think it's hard for me to connect with my husband sexually because I know what I have done with this man. Which to be honest, I currently find more enjoyable. But you are right, I do recognize that I can't get over the affair until I go no contact with the OM. I will be doing this. It does suck because he was a friend that I had fun with, but I need to realize as aliveagain said that he was a predator to my marriage. The way that he jumped at sleeping with me with little thought, actually shows me his character. I have no clue, why I continue to risk my marriage with a man who loves me for someone that I know that I wouldn't even date if it were all to blow up in my face. A cheap thrill is not worth breaking up my marriage. I do need to work on my marriage and seriously try to rekindle what we had. This is why I need to step away from it all and really find out in IC what makes ME happy. This is a destructive path that I am on and I need to get back to the person that I once was because I actually miss her and the happiness that she had.

 

In reality your OM is only taking what you're giving him. There are many players out there of which he's only one. OM is not the problem. Until you realize that you won't be able to fix this.

[QuietDan]

This is the only part of your post that I disagree with. I do not feel loyal to him. I just think it's hard for me to connect with my husband sexually because I know what I have done with this man. Which to be honest, I currently find more enjoyable. But you are right, I do recognize that I can't get over the affair until I go no contact with the OM. I will be doing this. It does suck because he was a friend that I had fun with, but I need to realize as aliveagain said that he was a predator to my marriage. The way that he jumped at sleeping with me with little thought, actually shows me his character. I have no clue, why I continue to risk my marriage with a man who loves me for someone that I know that I wouldn't even date if it were all to blow up in my face. A cheap thrill is not worth breaking up my marriage. I do need to work on my marriage and seriously try to rekindle what we had. This is why I need to step away from it all and really find out in IC what makes ME happy. This is a destructive path that I am on and I need to get back to the person that I once was because I actually miss her and the happiness that she had.

 

You are who you are now.

You have the experience that you have.

They are part of who you are.

You can change the direction of your future.

You can control who you will become.

How you move forward from this point in your life is under your control.

Will you be an honest person?

Will you be a habitual liar?

With out being honest and sharing with your husband who you are now at this point, he will never know you.

You can try to relate to him through a mask, a paper cut out of who you think he wants you to be... that...well... neither one of you will truly be able to relate, understand, cope with future challenges to the marriage.

At the moment you are a stranger to him... pretending....putting on an act....with out the truth being revealed and mutually dealt with....

you will all ways have significant barriers with intimacy, desire, guilt, self loathing.

How much better will it be it you gets a chance... meet this new person... learn to accept and appreciate who she is and what she grow into .... you will continue to change with time.... life, ageing, experience.... but....

you will always feel like a fraud to your husband with out the truth being know...

If he doesn't know the issues, he will be working from false assumptions.

He is changing as a person now this very day.

He will be operating from the assumption that he is the major problem in this marriage.

He is thinking he is the major flaw.

He is apologizing to you for not being able to do enough to make you happy.

He is internalizing the problems of the marriage and assigning guilt.

Seems like he is owning his, and yours.

He is assuming he is the problem.

He is carrying the guilt and weight on his shoulders that he is a failure as a man. He believes he is failing to take care of you in the way that you need and doesn't know how to make you happy.

Do you want him to build his life and personality base on that truth that he is internalizing right now?

He appears to be really sensing something is terrible wrong...

He is searching for the answers.

He will find an answer, even if it is the wrong answer.

Will you let him live a life base on the wrong reasons.

Based on lies...

You have to build a new relationship from where you are today.

With who you are today.

With the truth of who you are today.

Or, you will have a false relationship that will crumble apart with time and stress.

Someday... he will do something stupid to make mad... maybe ten years from now... or you will be eaten up with guilt...so... you let it slip...in an angry or guilt ridden 3 second period of time you tell him about this affair.

He will find out that the years that past since this affair have been a perpetuated lie, fraud, deception fill life with you.

He will question and redefine every moment that happens from the time the affair started.

 

Will he have to cope with a few months of deceptions, or will it be years of deception?

 

....What type of relationship do you want to have? One base on truth or deception?

One lie leads to another and another and another....

[road]

It is hard for you to connect with your husband because you are having sex with another man. The oxytocin that is released when you and other man have sex is causing you to bond with him, the more sex the stronger the bond. This is causing you to detach from your husband. What you don't understand is passionate love fades as attachment grows. If you and your husband divorce and you and other man end up together it would only be a matter of time before your in a similar situation. Here is the kicker, once your husband discovers your infidelity, regardless of when that is, he will start to detach from you as you attempt to reattach.

 

Your only starting to see the problems your 4 months of infidelity are causing you. You sold your soul for what? All the while as you have these great loving thoughts about O/M he is helping you burn your house to the ground. You are going to be so angry at yourself, really angry because you know what your doing and yet you keep telling yourself your too weak to stop it. Affairs are best suited for emotionally detached stoic people, sociopaths/psychopaths, the callous ones, people that are masters at compartmentalizing that have little to no empathy(I believe one of them has already responded to your post, they will be serial offenders with many failed relationships). You can stop this anytime you want, you don't need me to tell you that, your here because you know it and want to find a way out and save your marriage at the same time. Honesty girl, honesty.

 

 

 

OP will be disagreeing with this bit of truth.

[HeCantBreakMe]

It is hard for you to connect with your husband because you are having sex with another man. The oxytocin that is released when you and other man have sex is causing you to bond with him, the more sex the stronger the bond. This is causing you to detach from your husband. What you don't understand is passionate love fades as attachment grows. If you and your husband divorce and you and other man end up together it would only be a matter of time before your in a similar situation. Here is the kicker, once your husband discovers your infidelity, regardless of when that is, he will start to detach from you as you attempt to reattach.

 

Your only starting to see the problems your 4 months of infidelity are causing you. You sold your soul for what? All the while as you have these great loving thoughts about O/M he is helping you burn your house to the ground. You are going to be so angry at yourself, really angry because you know what your doing and yet you keep telling yourself your too weak to stop it. Affairs are best suited for emotionally detached stoic people, sociopaths/psychopaths, the callous ones, people that are masters at compartmentalizing that have little to no empathy(I believe one of them has already responded to your post, they will be serial offenders with many failed relationships). You can stop this anytime you want, you don't need me to tell you that, your here because you know it and want to find a way out and save your marriage at the same time. Honesty girl, honesty.

 

This took me some time to realize this but it is so very true. Let's say you do end up divorced and possibly with OM or with someone else- eventually over time something will be lacking or the marriage will be a bit rocky because well marriage and love take work (something no one told us right?)... But the thing about it is the happiness - your happiness and validation it must come from YOU! Your husband cannot make you happy, your OM cannot make you happy, another man out there cannot make you happy --- YOU have to make YOU happy. Once you start figuring out how to make yourself happy you will start gaining some perspective and understanding what it means to choose to love someone.

 

Your affair is a feeling- it is an addiction, it is satisfying something inside of you that you feel is lacking and initially you may have believe it had to do with your marriage and/or your husband but the truth is - it is something you are not fulfilling inside of yourself and the only one who can fix that is you.

 

Let go of your OM , be married and start finding that self validation and happiness inside of you. I believe you can find that passionate love again with your husband but it takes a lot of work . The question is are you really willing to put the work in?

[DKT3]

This is the only part of your post that I disagree with. I do not feel loyal to him. I just think it's hard for me to connect with my husband sexually because I know what I have done with this man. Which to be honest, I currently find more enjoyable. But you are right, I do recognize that I can't get over the affair until I go no contact with the OM. I will be doing this. It does suck because he was a friend that I had fun with, but I need to realize as aliveagain said that he was a predator to my marriage. The way that he jumped at sleeping with me with little thought, actually shows me his character. I have no clue, why I continue to risk my marriage with a man who loves me for someone that I know that I wouldn't even date if it were all to blow up in my face. A cheap thrill is not worth breaking up my marriage. I do need to work on my marriage and seriously try to rekindle what we had. This is why I need to step away from it all and really find out in IC what makes ME happy. This is a destructive path that I am on and I need to get back to the person that I once was because I actually miss her and the happiness that she had.

 

How? How do you feel loyal to your husband?

[Imajerk17]

This is the only part of your post that I disagree with. I do not feel loyal to him. I just think it's hard for me to connect with my husband sexually because I know what I have done with this man. Which to be honest, I currently find more enjoyable. But you are right, I do recognize that I can't get over the affair until I go no contact with the OM. I will be doing this. It does suck because he was a friend that I had fun with, but I need to realize as aliveagain said that he was a predator to my marriage. The way that he jumped at sleeping with me with little thought, actually shows me his character. I have no clue, why I continue to risk my marriage with a man who loves me for someone that I know that I wouldn't even date if it were all to blow up in my face. A cheap thrill is not worth breaking up my marriage. I do need to work on my marriage and seriously try to rekindle what we had. This is why I need to step away from it all and really find out in IC what makes ME happy. This is a destructive path that I am on and I need to get back to the person that I once was because I actually miss her and the happiness that she had.

 

Well, what about YOUR character ConLadyInLA? You were the one who decided to go into this affair, and weren't you the one who actually INITIATED this.

 

It's YOUR job to protect your marriage, not your affair partner.

 

Meanwhile, from being here for a bit, I notice there is a very big difference between those who are truly coming out the other side, versus those who are not. Those who are truly coming out seem to have a much more clear-eyed understanding of what motivated them to cheat. Those who are not, seem to repeat almost zombie-like what a great person their spouse is and so much better than AP, how they are going to end the affair, 'a cheap thrill is not worth it, I need to rekindle my marriage', and so on and so forth, similar to as you are doing in your posts here OP.

Edited February 10, 2017 by Imajerk17