Lost in Affair

[QuietDan]

... Most of this advise that many have given to you was learned the hard way. Front what I have seen in previous threads. Most of the advice is consistent with what generally provides the highest probability for the best out come for someone in your situation...

Edited February 11, 2017 by QuietDan

[deadsoul]

This took me some time to realize this but it is so very true. Let's say you do end up divorced and possibly with OM or with someone else- eventually over time something will be lacking or the marriage will be a bit rocky because well marriage and love take work (something no one told us right?)... But the thing about it is the happiness - your happiness and validation it must come from YOU! Your husband cannot make you happy, your OM cannot make you happy, another man out there cannot make you happy --- YOU have to make YOU happy. Once you start figuring out how to make yourself happy you will start gaining some perspective and understanding what it means to choose to love someone.

 

Your affair is a feeling- it is an addiction, it is satisfying something inside of you that you feel is lacking and initially you may have believe it had to do with your marriage and/or your husband but the truth is - it is something you are not fulfilling inside of yourself and the only one who can fix that is you.

 

Let go of your OM , be married and start finding that self validation and happiness inside of you. I believe you can find that passionate love again with your husband but it takes a lot of work . The question is are you really willing to put the work in?

 

Yes. All of this. Please reread this over and over, OP. That's what I'm doing.

[QuietDan]

ConInLA

Do you have any reason to want to save the relationship with your husband?

Is this relationship worth saving for any reason?

Why put both of you through years of hell to keep it or to save it?

Are you two sexually compatible or incompatible?

Friends.... Not Friends....

Do you get along?

Do you have anything in common that you like to do together?

Why not use this as an excellent opportunity to end the relationship and the two of you can move on to someone else that might be a better fit in the long run? I am sure, your existing husband will be able to emotionally recover and eventually find someone that will make him very happy.

Same thing with you.

[GoldenR]

Why do you keep saying that you're going to go NC with OM "soon"? Why not right now?

[Sparta]

Why do you keep saying that you're going to go NC with OM "soon"? Why not right now?

 

Because it's very simple she's not done with him.!

[BaileyB]

She's not done with him.

 

She should be done with him, but she's not ready to let him go yet. Letting him go would mean that she would have to accept responsibility for what she's done and start to work in the things in her life that are not so good... And she's not ready for that yet.

[ConInLA]

She's not done with him.

 

She should be done with him, but she's not ready to let him go yet. Letting him go would mean that she would have to accept responsibility for what she's done and start to work in the things in her life that are not so good... And she's not ready for that yet.

 

I respectfully disagree. We both agreed yesterday that we can't keep going down this path. Even though we both didn't wholeheartedly mean it, I really am done. It's just taking too much of my energy and causing me to lose it even more. I told him that we should block each other and cut off all contact, of course he didn't want to do that. He didn't see the need to go to that extreme, since we are ending on good terms. I sent him the longest text message ever about WHY I needed to end it, what it's done to me, and then I blocked him. Unfortunately, I know it isn't realistic staying friends. That and I don't want too. Something has just flipped in me and I realize that I need to rip this band-aid off and get to the bottom of my unhappiness and what's going on with me. That's more important. It was never about HIM, it was about the "feeling" that came from being with him. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I do think that's true. It was just some huge game and release to me. I'm ready to let it go. I hate I even got into it. I can tell that I actually mean it this time.

[deadsoul]

I respectfully disagree. We both agreed yesterday that we can't keep going down this path. Even though we both didn't wholeheartedly mean it, I really am done. It's just taking too much of my energy and causing me to lose it even more. I told him that we should block each other and cut off all contact, of course he didn't want to do that. He didn't see the need to go to that extreme, since we are ending on good terms. I sent him the longest text message ever about WHY I needed to end it, what it's done to me, and then I blocked him. Unfortunately, I know it isn't realistic staying friends. That and I don't want too. Something has just flipped in me and I realize that I need to rip this band-aid off and get to the bottom of my unhappiness and what's going on with me. That's more important. It was never about HIM, it was about the "feeling" that came from being with him. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I do think that's true. It was just some huge game and release to me. I'm ready to let it go. I hate I even got into it. I can tell that I actually mean it this time.

 

Good. This is an important first step. I'm not going to lie. It's going to hurt like hell and you will want to go back because it feels better than what you are experiencing. But please let yourself feel and ride through it because you will get to the other side. I promise. Then you can start focusing on your BH and where you will go from here. I'm rooting for you, OP. When I tried ending it, it nearly destroyed me. Two weeks later, he ghosted me. As hard as that was, he did me a favor (unknowingly because he's a selfish douche). But that's how I look at it.

[BaileyB]

I respectfully disagree. We both agreed yesterday that we can't keep going down this path. Even though we both didn't wholeheartedly mean it, I really am done. It's just taking too much of my energy and causing me to lose it even more. I told him that we should block each other and cut off all contact, of course he didn't want to do that. He didn't see the need to go to that extreme, since we are ending on good terms. I sent him the longest text message ever about WHY I needed to end it, what it's done to me, and then I blocked him. Unfortunately, I know it isn't realistic staying friends. That and I don't want too. Something has just flipped in me and I realize that I need to rip this band-aid off and get to the bottom of my unhappiness and what's going on with me. That's more important. It was never about HIM, it was about the "feeling" that came from being with him. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I do think that's true. It was just some huge game and release to me. I'm ready to let it go. I hate I even got into it. I can tell that I actually mean it this time.

 

That's good. I wish you well. You are correct, this was never really about him, it is definitely about you and your need to discover where you lost your way and what you need to do to find your happiness, joy, and peace of mind again.

 

Best wishes as you begin this journey...

[Marc878]

I respectfully disagree. We both agreed yesterday that we can't keep going down this path. Even though we both didn't wholeheartedly mean it, I really am done. It's just taking too much of my energy and causing me to lose it even more. I told him that we should block each other and cut off all contact, of course he didn't want to do that. He didn't see the need to go to that extreme, since we are ending on good terms. I sent him the longest text message ever about WHY I needed to end it, what it's done to me, and then I blocked him. Unfortunately, I know it isn't realistic staying friends. That and I don't want too. Something has just flipped in me and I realize that I need to rip this band-aid off and get to the bottom of my unhappiness and what's going on with me. That's more important. It was never about HIM, it was about the "feeling" that came from being with him. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I do think that's true. It was just some huge game and release to me. I'm ready to let it go. I hate I even got into it. I can tell that I actually mean it this time.

 

You are correct. For you to get on with your life he can never a part of it.

 

It's like a drug addiction. You get the addict around the source it'll always result in relapse.

 

Complete zero contact nothing less.

[HereNorThere]

So we're what, 13 pages into this and there's still no progress?

 

In my opinion, it doesn't really matter if you go NC or not. Forcing your husband to live a lie is ABUSE. Each new memory he makes while you withhold this giant nuclear bomb in his life is another stab to the back. You're still cheating if you continue to lie, period.

 

It's time for you to come to terms with who you really are. A self-centered, egotistical, control freak, adulteress and bad mother who puts her children's future at risk to have sex with strange men. That's you - OWN IT.

 

You think your family won't find out but they will. You're way too far gone for this not to blow up. Even if you stopped on your own, it would happen again because there were no consequences for you. Can you imagine how your children will feel knowing you broke up their family? What kind of example are you setting for them?

 

13 pages and you haven't made one single bit of progress. Still planning on continuing to betray your family for the rest of their lives. That's not progress at all. In fact, the lying is much worse than the cheating itself. You have zero regret or remorse. Your psychopathic level of entitlement will be your downfall. You have control over a lot of things but your ego is not one of them. It will bring you down, watch. Maybe you'll talk in your sleep, maybe you'll get drunk and confess, maybe one of OM's friend's tell, maybe he finds a piece of electronic evidence, maybe you gave your husband HPV, the possibilities are endless. You're way too drunk with power to think like a smooth criminal.

 

And when you do get caught (you will) the lies will be what destroyed your family. It won't be the cheap thrill of sex with a drifter, it will be the lies. Your life doesn't go back normal after all of this. Sorry, that's not how this works. That life is DEAD and you killed it. I feel so bad for your family. They're all innocent victims of your serial abuse. I hope they find peace in this lifetime. You, I'm not sure you are capable of learning from something like this but you can set them free. You won't because you're so selfish but it's the right thing to do. The last thing you want is to be a role model for those kids and have them grow up to be like you. Freedom would a rather beautiful gift considering the lifetime of pain you are going to cause them.

Edited February 11, 2017 by HereNorThere

[ConInLA]

So we're what, 13 pages into this and there's still no progress?

 

In my opinion, it doesn't really matter if you go NC or not. Forcing your husband to live a lie is ABUSE. Each new memory he makes while you withhold this giant nuclear bomb in his life is another stab to the back. You're still cheating if you continue to lie, period.

 

It's time for you to come to terms with who you really are. A self-centered, egotistical, control freak, adulteress and bad mother who puts her children's future at risk to have sex with strange men. That's you - OWN IT.

 

You think your family won't find out but they will. You're way too far gone for this not to blow up. Even if you stopped on your own, it would happen again because there were no consequences for you. Can you imagine how your children will feel knowing you broke up their family? What kind of example are you setting for them?

 

13 pages and you haven't made one single bit of progress. Still planning on continuing to betray your family for the rest of their lives. That's not progress at all. In fact, the lying is much worse than the cheating itself. You have zero regret or remorse. Your psychopathic level of entitlement will be your downfall. You have control over a lot of things but your ego is not one of them. It will bring you down, watch.

 

Sheesh woman, chill out! Judgmental much?? You may be right about some things, but you for the most part have no clue what you are talking about. If only you knew how sad this choice that I made has made me, you wouldn't be saying this. I feel no need to cause someone that I love this amount of pain because of MY ACTIONS. I'm sorry if that bothers you. No consequences, you say? What about the intense sadness that I feel for my actions? What about the self-hate? So, please spare me your judgement. I am doing the best I can. Honestly, at this point, the EASIEST thing for me to do would be to just confess. I am taking the path that I think is best.

[GoldenR]

If only you knew how sad this choice that I made has made me, you wouldn't be saying this. I feel no need to cause someone that I love this amount of pain because of MY ACTIONS. I'm sorry if that bothers you. No consequences, you say? What about the intense sadness that I feel for my actions? What about the self-hate? So, please spare me your judgement. I am doing the best I can. Honestly, at this point, the EASIEST thing for me to do would be to just confess. I am taking the path that I think is best.

 

Don't....seriously, don't. Playing the "Woe is me" card isn't gonna work here.

 

So your choice made you sad? So sad that you kept doing it over and over and over again? Please....

[HereNorThere]

First of all, I'm a male. Second, I'm a cat. A skeptical cat at that.

 

You're doing what's best best for you and there's very little thought about what's best for others. Do you know what empathy is? If your husband was cheating, exposing you to some other woman's sexual fluids and fantasizing about her, would you want him to continue to lie about it?

 

YOU WOULDNT. How do I know? Because you're a control freak. You'd hate for anyone else in your life to have the upper hand. I have zero doubt you would want to know the truth.

 

13 pages and no progress. You're still just as selfish as when you started. This is part of who you are. You choose your own self-indulgences over your family's well-being. Like I said before - OWN IT. Quit persisting in self delusion.

 

You are everything you hate and judge other people for. Until you can admit it to yourself, you'll never admit it to anyone else.

[ConInLA]

Don't....seriously, don't. Playing the "Woe is me" card isn't gonna work here.

 

So your choice made you sad? So sad that you kept doing it over and over and over again? Please....

 

Who said that I'm playing the "woe is me" card. I take full responsibility for my stuff. I simply responded to the poster that surely there are consequences. My life isn't perfect after the affair and surely I'm not sitting here glad that I got away with it. Once again, if I could go back, I wouldn't partake in an affair for all the money in the world. I'm not sure what you and the other poster want me to do?? You say that I'm selfish and that I am ruining my husband and children's life? Actually, NO IM NOT. I am making the decision to NOT do that.

[BluesPower]

HNT, lighten up already...

 

She is lost. I'm sure that you have been cheated on, we all understand, most of us her have been. Some of us are cheaters too, or have been.

 

She is just starting to figure out what she has done. Her husband will probably divorce her when he finds out. He is already suspicious.

 

She knows she is wrong, and beating her over the head will not help.

 

Yes most (sorry Con) of what you say is true, but she can't see it yet. She hopes not to confess but that means that her H will find out and she won't have the chance.

 

Beating people up does not help them.

 

Con - Let that type of stuff go. And you are wrong about one thing for sure. You really have no idea what you have done yet, but you will. I am just telling you the truth.

 

Confessing is better, and if you don't odds are that you will get caught, and you are already worried about this. The sex is great and believe me I understand, but it is not worth what you will lose in the long run.

 

Keep posting and we will do our best to guide you through it...

[ConInLA]

HNT, lighten up already...

 

She is lost. I'm sure that you have been cheated on, we all understand, most of us her have been. Some of us are cheaters too, or have been.

 

She is just starting to figure out what she has done. Her husband will probably divorce her when he finds out. He is already suspicious.

 

She knows she is wrong, and beating her over the head will not help.

 

Yes most (sorry Con) of what you say is true, but she can't see it yet. She hopes not to confess but that means that her H will find out and she won't have the chance.

 

Beating people up does not help them.

 

Con - Let that type of stuff go. And you are wrong about one thing for sure. You really have no idea what you have done yet, but you will. I am just telling you the truth.

 

Confessing is better, and if you don't odds are that you will get caught, and you are already worried about this. The sex is great and believe me I understand, but it is not worth what you will lose in the long run.

 

Keep posting and we will do our best to guide you through it...

 

Thanks BluesPower. I'm trying. Y'all have already helped me. And there's nothing to get caught about. I finally went no contact with my AP and I started IC. I decided to stop being selfish and put my family first. You're absolutely right, losing my family because of an affair isn't worth it.

[Dub]

Good job on ending it

[deadsoul]

So we're what, 13 pages into this and there's still no progress?

 

In my opinion, it doesn't really matter if you go NC or not. Forcing your husband to live a lie is ABUSE. Each new memory he makes while you withhold this giant nuclear bomb in his life is another stab to the back. You're still cheating if you continue to lie, period.

 

It's time for you to come to terms with who you really are. A self-centered, egotistical, control freak, adulteress and bad mother who puts her children's future at risk to have sex with strange men. That's you - OWN IT.

 

You think your family won't find out but they will. You're way too far gone for this not to blow up. Even if you stopped on your own, it would happen again because there were no consequences for you. Can you imagine how your children will feel knowing you broke up their family? What kind of example are you setting for them?

 

13 pages and you haven't made one single bit of progress. Still planning on continuing to betray your family for the rest of their lives. That's not progress at all. In fact, the lying is much worse than the cheating itself. You have zero regret or remorse. Your psychopathic level of entitlement will be your downfall. You have control over a lot of things but your ego is not one of them. It will bring you down, watch. Maybe you'll talk in your sleep, maybe you'll get drunk and confess, maybe one of OM's friend's tell, maybe he finds a piece of electronic evidence, maybe you gave your husband HPV, the possibilities are endless. You're way too drunk with power to think like a smooth criminal.

 

And when you do get caught (you will) the lies will be what destroyed your family. It won't be the cheap thrill of sex with a drifter, it will be the lies. Your life doesn't go back normal after all of this. Sorry, that's not how this works. That life is DEAD and you killed it. I feel so bad for your family. They're all innocent victims of your serial abuse. I hope they find peace in this lifetime. You, I'm not sure you are capable of learning from something like this but you can set them free. You won't because you're so selfish but it's the right thing to do. The last thing you want is to be a role model for those kids and have them grow up to be like you. Freedom would a rather beautiful gift considering the lifetime of pain you are going to cause them.

 

Me-ow.

I'm not sure how this is helpful, other than to make yourself feel better. I'm sorry you feel like you need to kick someone when they are down. I'm sorry for your pain, it is evident in your post. It's actually good for me to read posts like yours because I have more understanding of the pain I've caused my BH.

 

OP, it's up to you to decide what is good advice that you can use and what is not. Trust me when I say you will hear a lot of things you don't want to hear. But all of this has been good for me.

[QuietDan]

Is there a chance that down deep you really do not have any respect left for you husband?

The problem with nice guys is that sometimes they haven't learned how to really be men.

Some woman seem to have problems maintaining their respect for a man when they are too nice.

So, loss of respect sometimes translate to loss of desire....

You seem to manage to find a man that is not the nicest guy out there...I suspect that may be one of the main reasons you have more desire for him than your husband....

Lack of respect also usually also translate treating the man more as a child....

Fearing to tell the truth to a man for fear of hurting him... Absolutely a sign of lack of respect.

Most grown adult males that I know would rather deal with the truth than be given a lie to live.

You yourself would probable want to know the truth than be given a lie.

I suspect you believe that you could handle the truth...

But....since you have no respect for your husband... you fear hurting him....like he is a little child....

since you have adopted the mother role when dealing with your husband....

I am not surprised that you ended up seeking out a man that appears to be strong enough to have earn/won you desire. It is difficult to maintain and keep any real desire for a man that you do not respect....

It is easy to cheat on a man that you do not respect.

It is easy to lie to a man that you do not respect.

Yah...sure... so cover this up with regret... feel guilty... live the life of a martyr...but ... no real reason to change... you will need to have to relearn to respect your husband for that to happen.

It appears that you do not feel that your husband worthy enough to be given the truth.

Men need respect.

I strongly recommend you find a way to learn how to respect your husband again.

You both probable need serious counselling.

When a wife fails to respect her husband...no good can come from that...

[deadsoul]

Thanks BluesPower. I'm trying. Y'all have already helped me. And there's nothing to get caught about. I finally went no contact with my AP and I started IC. I decided to stop being selfish and put my family first. You're absolutely right, losing my family because of an affair isn't worth it.

 

Good. And it's your choice alone on whether you decide to confess. I had nothing to get caught about either, but in my case, I knew I couldn't move forward in the relationship without confessing. It's been a week. I will tell you this... I did the right thing. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done. But I do believe, for me, it is the first step towards healing my family... and maybe even myself. But I completely understand the decision to not tell.

[HereNorThere]

I'm not kicking anyone when they are down. I'm simply doing what OP can't - telling the truth.

 

I know first hand what it's like to be a victim of yourself. I have sympathy for OP because we have similar personality types. We both have everything we could ever want, even if we want different things, but it's never enough. I've been hurt and I've certainly hurt other people. Not something I'm proud of but it's the truth. I've also dealt with addiction first hand. Right now I'm beating a 10 year opiate addiction and while I'm winning today, it doesn't erase the massive hurt and pain I've caused others because of it. So many nights my family had to worry about whether or not I was going to wake up the next day or they were going to bury me. I will say, I would still be doing a couple hundred milligrams of oxycodone a day if I hadn't come clean to my family. They had a right to know why I wasn't myself but ultimately it helped hold me accountable. Sure, sometimes I feel like I'm on probation (lol) but I feel so much better being honest.

 

Am I judging her? Of course, we all are. I will also be the first to commend her when she has made some improvement. A few hours of NC and planning out a life long lie is not improvement. Even a little thing like changing her phone number, deleting social media accounts, granting her husband access to her accounts, etc would be a major improvement over the no improvement we've seen so far.

 

I'm with you, Con. Don't shoot the messenger because I didn't say anything that wasn't true. If you look into a mirror and dislike what you see, it's not the mirror that's broken, it's you.

[deadsoul]

I'm not kicking anyone when they are down. I'm simply doing what OP can't - telling the truth.

 

I know first hand what it's like to be a victim of yourself. I have sympathy for OP because we have similar personality types. We both have everything we could ever want, even if we want different things, but it's never enough. I've been hurt and I've certainly hurt other people. Not something I'm proud of but it's the truth. I've also dealt with addiction first hand. Right now I'm beating a 10 year opiate addiction and while I'm winning today, it doesn't erase the massive hurt and pain I've caused others because of it. So many nights my family had to worry about whether or not I was going to wake up the next day or they were going to bury me. I will say, I would still be doing a couple hundred milligrams of oxycodone a day if I hadn't come clean to my family. They had a right to know why I wasn't myself but ultimately it helped hold me accountable. Sure, sometimes I feel like I'm on probation (lol) but I feel so much better being honest.

 

Am I judging her? Of course, we all are. I will also be the first to commend her when she has made some improvement. A few hours of NC and planning out a life long lie is not improvement. Even a little thing like changing her phone number, deleting social media accounts, granting her husband access to her accounts, etc would be a major improvement over the no improvement we've seen so far.

 

I'm with you, Con. Don't shoot the messenger because I didn't say anything that wasn't true. If you look into a mirror and dislike what you see, it's not the mirror that's broken, it's you.

 

Now this is helpful comment. I can see now where you are coming from. Can I ask a question and you don't have to answer... how do you keep yourself from going back to it? You know how it destroys your family and you only get a high for a little while. What do you have to tell yourself to keep yourself from going back there?

 

I ask because I see so many similarities between an A and a drug/alcohol addiction. Am definitely not saying they're the same, but there are a lot of similar thought processes and actions but since I'm not addicted to drugs/alcohol, I'm genuinely curious and asking questions.

[HereNorThere]

I've dealt with many addictions, including an few abusive relationships.

 

As the old saying goes, "the truth will set you free." When you can be completely honest and objective with yourself, you don't want to go back. When you rationalize, blame shift and justify, it's really easy to slip back into your former habits. I used to lie to myself and say "I can take a few percs and not take any tomorrow. My back hurts and need them. I won't slip back into the habit." I realize now that's a lie. The short term relief is not worth the pain I'll deal with afterwards -

 

In other words, there are consequences and they outweigh the rewards. One of those consequences is hurting my family. And yes, it hurts them even if they don't know. They need to be able to trust me and they can't do that if I continue to lie.

 

Relationships are way harder to break free of than drug addictions, no doubt. However, once you break free and become blantantly honest with yourself, the feeling actually goes away forever. So far, I've not had that experience with pain killers. They've changed my biology permanently and that's something I have to deal with. It's paradoxical, but long term abuse causes more pain. Doctors refer to its hyperglasia or rebound pain. Hopefully in some years, my mu receptors will start responding normally but for now, even the slightest breeze gives me shivers. Holding a cold can burns my hand. My back constantly hurts which is ironic because I started this whole because of back pain.

 

There's some parallels there but the emotional pain of "breaking up" is worse. However, once you get out, you're out. A few months away from a relationship will really help you see forest instead of the trees. A few months away from opiates means you're still in the thick of illness. For me, it takes a couple years to return to some sense of feeling normal.

 

My words are harsh but that's how honest you have to be get away from these situations. Sometimes you have to admit that you are what you hate. Only then can you decide to be someone different.

[ConInLA]

I'm not kicking anyone when they are down. I'm simply doing what OP can't - telling the truth.

 

I know first hand what it's like to be a victim of yourself. I have sympathy for OP because we have similar personality types. We both have everything we could ever want, even if we want different things, but it's never enough. I've been hurt and I've certainly hurt other people. Not something I'm proud of but it's the truth. I've also dealt with addiction first hand. Right now I'm beating a 10 year opiate addiction and while I'm winning today, it doesn't erase the massive hurt and pain I've caused others because of it. So many nights my family had to worry about whether or not I was going to wake up the next day or they were going to bury me. I will say, I would still be doing a couple hundred milligrams of oxycodone a day if I hadn't come clean to my family. They had a right to know why I wasn't myself but ultimately it helped hold me accountable. Sure, sometimes I feel like I'm on probation (lol) but I feel so much better being honest.

 

Am I judging her? Of course, we all are. I will also be the first to commend her when she has made some improvement. A few hours of NC and planning out a life long lie is not improvement. Even a little thing like changing her phone number, deleting social media accounts, granting her husband access to her accounts, etc would be a major improvement over the no improvement we've seen so far.

 

I'm with you, Con. Don't shoot the messenger because I didn't say anything that wasn't true. If you look into a mirror and dislike what you see, it's not the mirror that's broken, it's you.

 

We aren't friends on social media, so no need to do that. My spouse has no clue about the affair, so these other things would seem ridiculous and alarming to him.