Lost in Affair

[ConInLA]

You yourself have said that you're only just now realizing what kind of man OM really is. So yes, while you were knee deep in your A, he was your first choice. Only after "waking up" have you decided that your husband is again who you want.

 

He was never my first choice, it was sex. Look, I can tell it really bothers some of y'all that I seem to be "getting away with it." It's not that. Why should I continue to give my affair power over my life. Sure, I could tell my husband. Guess what that solves, NOTHING!! It actually impacts innocent people who shouldn't be hurt by my choices.

[ConInLA]

And I have yet to see you address this question, although many here have asked....from my post above:

 

I'm not sure. It's true. I'm trying to control the situation.

[GoldenR]

He was never my first choice, it was sex. Look, I can tell it really bothers some of y'all that I seem to be "getting away with it." It's not that. Why should I continue to give my affair power over my life. Sure, I could tell my husband. Guess what that solves, NOTHING!! It actually impacts innocent people who shouldn't be hurt by my choices.

 

He was your first choice for sex. Again, husband = safety and security. AP = escape from your H. How do you think your husband would see this?

 

And I'm not upset....actually, if you read your posts from beginning to end, you've come a long way.

 

As far as not giving your AP power over you anymore....it's been a day, let's not jump the gun.

[ConInLA]

He was your first choice for sex. Again, husband = safety and security. AP = escape from your H. How do you think your husband would see this?

 

And I'm not upset....actually, if you read your posts from beginning to end, you've come a long way.

 

As far as not giving your AP power over you anymore....it's been a day, let's not jump the gun.

 

Correction GoldenR, AP = escape from LIFE.

[Bryanp]

Reading of your last posts it seems to me that you really get it.

I think your fog is truly lifting. Glad to see it.

 

Unfortunately your marriage is now built on a very shaky foundation

by withholding the truth from your husband. Because of this you are in my opinion still disrespecting your husband. Shouldn't a spouse have all the information to decide to leave or stay?

 

It sounds like your husband truly loves you a great deal. What makes you so sure he would leave without giving you a second chance? I think you need to love him enough to tell him the truth. This is the very least you own him. The truth shall set you free. Nevertheless I wish you luck on your journey.

[GoldenR]

Correction GoldenR, AP = escape from LIFE.

 

Eh, potato, potahto.

 

Have I missed something? What was so bad about your home life?

[2broken]

You already wrecked your marriage, only that your husband does not know it yet. Either tell him and allow him to make his own decision or leave him and let him find a true partner for his future. You will not get out of this mess and heal while you are still actively hurting him and lying to him. Become the person you want to be proud of. That takes courage and much work. But you will love yourself more for it. In the end, all deserve a chance to be happy- including you and your husband.

[GoldenR]

Con -

 

I'd also like to point out that I don't participate in threads that I think are lost causes. I hope that says something about what I think of you....believe me, I hold no animosity towards you. I saw your original post, whether it specifically said it in the words, as you saying you wanted help getting yourself out of the fog. That takes guts.

[harrybrown]

Have you gone complete no contact with the AP?

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

Hope you do not give stds to your H.

 

You really think your AP is not sleeping around with everyone that he can?

 

Have you at least not had the AP have sex without protection?

 

The AP has not been around your kids or have sex with you in your home?

 

Hope you wake up quick. The A bomb always does way too much damage to your marriage and your life. Also your families lives.

 

So how could you give away the sex that should be only for your H to someone else? If it was your H that was having the A, would you be upset that he was having the A?

 

you think that your H does not know and does not suspect anything? You have been cold and distant. He senses it. He may have hired a PI and has pictures.

 

He could be waiting to see if you wake up and stop and come back to the marriage.

 

Or deciding that he is done. When you built this wall between you and your H, to keep your secrets, you have changed. He knows this.

 

Hope you stop now before you blow up everything. You do not think that you have hurt your H enough now for the wonderful OM?

 

If you ever loved your H, and you can't stop because you are addicted, then tell him and give him the D and blow up his life.

 

This is what you are doing. Hope you will change quickly.

 

This is not good or nice what you are doing to your H. Think about him and do not continue to be so selfish.

[Nawlins]

Con,

 

 

You stepped out of your marriage and experienced your escape from LIFE. Your husband was living the same marriage as you. Don't you think the decent thing to do is tell him the truth so he can decide if he wants to stay or not? Taking the approach of what he doesn't know won't hurt him is not a marriage of integrity. He get's to live in a marriage where something is wrong, and believe me you will have moments where he will sense it, and not realize that any effort to fix it will be to no avail because he does not know the truth.

[Marc878]

ConinLA has to come to the realization of what it takes to get through this in her own time and way.

 

NC with OM just started last week. She has a lot of time and effort to go.

 

This won't get resolved overnight.

[deadsoul]

He was never my first choice, it was sex. Look, I can tell it really bothers some of y'all that I seem to be "getting away with it." It's not that. Why should I continue to give my affair power over my life. Sure, I could tell my husband. Guess what that solves, NOTHING!! It actually impacts innocent people who shouldn't be hurt by my choices.

 

I'm here to tell you all not telling is not "getting away with it."

 

Far from it. Con, you've made a great decision going NC with OM. That is a great first step. It's the hardest step and you need to maintain it. The withdrawal is hard and it really sucks. No lie. I did not think I was going to get to the other side and I'm finally seeing the light (sorry that sounds hokey). When you start to come out from the "fog," you can start thinking about working on you and what that will entail. If you choose to tell BH or not, is ultimately you deciding what's best for your family. No one else can make that decision, but you.

 

Everyone giving their opinion is telling it from their point of view and experience.

 

But in not telling, there was no way I was getting away with anything. Honestly? I see both sides of the argument now having lived both sides. I can tell people what worked/didn't work for me, but that doesn't make my way the right way or the wrong way.

[Jersey born raised]

A few pages ago (I think it was QuietDan) posted a series of background question, some about abuse in your marriage, some about FOO and some about CSA. Could you respond to his request or do you feel safer discussing it in IC only? Also was it you or DeadSoul who posted their mother was in a LTA that she knew in early teens and was forced not to tell her dad?

[ConInLA]

Everyone giving their opinion is telling it from their point of view and experience.

 

But in not telling, there was no way I was getting away with anything. Honestly? I see both sides of the argument now having lived both sides. I can tell people what worked/didn't work for me, but that doesn't make my way the right way or the wrong way.

 

Thanks deadsoul. I really appreciate your helpful words. I do respect your decision to tell your husband. That really takes a lot of courage. I just know what works for me in my particular situation. Honestly, maybe this will help with the withdrawal. When I really think about it, I don't even miss him. What's to miss: lies and fake concern. What you are missing, like me, is the escape that he gave you. Silly us, to put our "sense of relief or fun" into a man. Honestly, I am trying to replace that longing for him already with therapy. Something that is actually beneficial to my health. It hasn't been a week yet, so I'm sure it will get harder but I'm just so over the bs. I'm tired of holding on to "nothing." Our affairs were really a waste of time. Looking back, I should have just went to the gym

[ConInLA]

Have you gone complete no contact with the AP?

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

Hope you do not give stds to your H.

 

You really think your AP is not sleeping around with everyone that he can?

 

Have you at least not had the AP have sex without protection?

 

The AP has not been around your kids or have sex with you in your home?

 

Hope you wake up quick. The A bomb always does way too much damage to your marriage and your life. Also your families lives.

 

So how could you give away the sex that should be only for your H to someone else? If it was your H that was having the A, would you be upset that he was having the A?

 

you think that your H does not know and does not suspect anything? You have been cold and distant. He senses it. He may have hired a PI and has pictures.

 

He could be waiting to see if you wake up and stop and come back to the marriage.

 

Or deciding that he is done. When you built this wall between you and your H, to keep your secrets, you have changed. He knows this.

 

Hope you stop now before you blow up everything. You do not think that you have hurt your H enough now for the wonderful OM?

 

If you ever loved your H, and you can't stop because you are addicted, then tell him and give him the D and blow up his life.

 

This is what you are doing. Hope you will change quickly.

 

This is not good or nice what you are doing to your H. Think about him and do not continue to be so selfish.

 

Yes Harry Brown, I haven't had sex with my AP for a week plus and NC has been for a few days. Yes, I did get tested for STDs two weeks ago and everything was negative. I know I have to go back in 6 months to be sure. He was a bit of a ladies man but I honestly don't think he was sleeping unprotected with that many people but hell, who am I to know what he was doing. I had a very skewed impression of him. Once again, I AM NOT hurting my husband. We text all day, still have sex more than most married people I know, and still spend time together. I wasn't dumb in my affair to completely neglect him. I still treated him the same, for the most part. He is under NO impression that I have been cheating.

[ConInLA]

Con -

 

I'd also like to point out that I don't participate in threads that I think are lost causes. I hope that says something about what I think of you....believe me, I hold no animosity towards you. I saw your original post, whether it specifically said it in the words, as you saying you wanted help getting yourself out of the fog. That takes guts.

 

Thank you GoldenR. Believe me, I know what I did was wrong. To be honest, if I wanted to continue on in this affair for forever, my AP probably would have. I don't think this board understands how I treated my AP during the affair. He got it way worse then my husband, my "mood swings" that is. I didn't just give my husband bitterness and then turn around and give my AP sweetness and roses.

[ConInLA]

A few pages ago (I think it was QuietDan) posted a series of background question, some about abuse in your marriage, some about FOO and some about CSA. Could you respond to his request or do you feel safer discussing it in IC only? Also was it you or DeadSoul who posted their mother was in a LTA that she knew in early teens and was forced not to tell her dad?

 

I'd rather leave it for IC. It must have been deadsoul because it wasn't me. I will say though, my husband has never put his hands on me.

[QuietDan]

A cruel dance that many waywards end up performing with the loyal betrayed spouse. The loyal spouse love the wayward spouse. The spouse demonstrates their love, they give and show love to the wayward. The wayward often are troubled and conflicted with feelings of guilt. After all, if the loyal spouse really knew who they were and what they were doing, they wouldn't be giving them the love they are receiving. The wayward often feel that they do not deserve that love. In a twisted moment of perverse loyalty, they reject the love that the loyal spouse is giving to them. They avoid the tender embrace and the request for intimacy. The wayward feel like they are corrupt and dirty. They feel contaminated. So they chose to protect the loyal spouse from the contamination.... They turn away, reject the advances, return passionate kisses with a friendship or acquaintance kiss instead of a lovers kiss. The wayward also usually has transitioned to giving they're primary lover passion over to the other person... to be intimate with the loyal spouse is to be unfaithful to the other... Out of love, they reject the loyal spouse. The loyal spouse is left more often than not... receiving the cruel sting of rejection... over and over again. Seeking the comfort of the once passionate friend and lover only to be left alone, frustrated, confused, angry, sad, fearful, uncertain... Trying in vain to figure out what is wrong...

[aliveagain]

Thank you GoldenR. Believe me, I know what I did was wrong. To be honest, if I wanted to continue on in this affair for forever, my AP probably would have. I don't think this board understands how I treated my AP during the affair. He got it way worse then my husband, my "mood swings" that is. I didn't just give my husband bitterness and then turn around and give my AP sweetness and roses.

 

Wow, poor affair partner, you should read that sentence again. No husband should be treated better then an affair partner because their shouldn't be an affair partner. That is the key point, don't you really get it? Do you know what reading that does to a person that knows your married?

[Jersey born raised]

The problem with your thoughts on mood swings and AP getting the worst is that there are always two POV. In hindsight remorseful spouses often comment they realize now they re-wrote a lot of their marriages.

[Nawlins]

Once again, I AM NOT hurting my husband. We text all day, still have sex more than most married people I know, and still spend time together. I wasn't dumb in my affair to completely neglect him. I still treated him the same, for the most part. He is under NO impression that I have been cheating.

. But you are hurting him but not confessing and allowing him to make his own choices as you made when you stepped out of the marriage. You could also be exposing him to STDs if you just had sex with your AP a week ago and won't be going back for another screening for six months. No matter how you want to spin this narrative, you are only protecting yourself from your choices.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. You think by withholding the truth of your marriage from your husband that you are protecting your husband from pain. But the reality is, the only person you are protecting is yourself. Let's be honest about that.

 

Sure, you may be able to move forward without telling him and he may go through life none the wiser. But, what kind of a relationship is it when your marriage is built on a lie, and you have kept such a huge secret from your partner.

 

For me, the cheating would not be unforgivable. But lying to me and withholding the truth would definitely be unforgivable.

[ConInLA]

Wow, poor affair partner, you should read that sentence again. No husband should be treated better then an affair partner because their shouldn't be an affair partner. That is the key point, don't you really get it? Do you know what reading that does to a person that knows your married?

 

That was in response to another poster because they seemed to think that I was awful to my husband during the affair. I wasn't, at all. With that said, of course I know there isn't supposed to be an AP. I'm not an idiot. I'm a little over the constant: CONFESS CONFESS narrative. I'm not and will never confess, so most of y'all are talking to a brick wall. It's not happening.

[ConInLA]

A cruel dance that many waywards end up performing with the loyal betrayed spouse. The loyal spouse love the wayward spouse. The spouse demonstrates their love, they give and show love to the wayward. The wayward often are troubled and conflicted with feelings of guilt. After all, if the loyal spouse really knew who they were and what they were doing, they wouldn't be giving them the love they are receiving. The wayward often feel that they do not deserve that love. In a twisted moment of perverse loyalty, they reject the love that the loyal spouse is giving to them. They avoid the tender embrace and the request for intimacy. The wayward feel like they are corrupt and dirty. They feel contaminated. So they chose to protect the loyal spouse from the contamination.... They turn away, reject the advances, return passionate kisses with a friendship or acquaintance kiss instead of a lovers kiss. The wayward also usually has transitioned to giving they're primary lover passion over to the other person... to be intimate with the loyal spouse is to be unfaithful to the other... Out of love, they reject the loyal spouse. The loyal spouse is left more often than not... receiving the cruel sting of rejection... over and over again. Seeking the comfort of the once passionate friend and lover only to be left alone, frustrated, confused, angry, sad, fearful, uncertain... Trying in vain to figure out what is wrong...

 

Some of y'all, CLEARLY have been cheated on. Guess what, so have I! We've all been there. If you were to meet my husband, you would be quite surprised how happy he is in his marriage. He would tell you the same. Literally 2 days ago, one of our longtime friends commented how happy we seem to be. How he wished he had the same. (Which, made me a tad uncomfortable because of my months of deception.) So, goodness people, it's okay. We're okay. My husband isn't crying himself to sleep every night.

[ConInLA]

Agreed. You think by withholding the truth of your marriage from your husband that you are protecting your husband from pain. But the reality is, the only person you are protecting is yourself. Let's be honest about that.

 

Sure, you may be able to move forward without telling him and he may go through life none the wiser. But, what kind of a relationship is it when your marriage is built on a lie, and you have kept such a huge secret from your partner.

 

For me, the cheating would not be unforgivable. But lying to me and withholding the truth would definitely be unforgivable.

 

No, I'm protecting my family. Then after that, yes I'm protecting myself.