Lost in Affair

[ConInLA]

Self forgiveness doesn't come easy. Some never find it. It's a bit of a balancing act actually. Learning to differentiate between, Regret, Remorse, and Self Forgiveness, takes intentional effort, awareness, empathy, compassion, knowledge, and growing maturity. It takes a bit of humility to be able to forgive self. How you view all of this... depends on your world view.

I still struggle with self forgiveness.

I still can find the anger with self.

I never did have any anger with my AP.

It was my decision to ignore my responsibility to stay true to my marriage vows. I chose to ignore my responsibility to stay true to my spouse. If I had acted differently, there would have been no affair. There is always a potential to have all sorts of relationships with all sorts of people who are available at all sorts of levels. The problem wasn't with the other person. The problem was with me. If I had been tied up and forced to participate against my will... well maybe in that case anger with another would/could be justified. But, in the case where I was making independent voluntary decision? The blame is fully on my shoulders.

This is true, Quiet Dan. I never thought of it this way. I guess I have been angry with him at moments because I wanted him to do something that I couldn't even do: say no. After all, he had prior experience with a family wrecking affair. Angry that he's still expecting to be "friends." With that said, these moments aren't that often. I am mostly angry with myself because I knew better. I disrespected my husband and gave away something that should only be for him, for nothing. That's a hard pill to swallow.

[ConInLA]

You can't just "get over this". It's going to be part of you for the rest of your life. And part of your marriage.

 

I don't know if you can truly forgive yourself if you are living a lie in your marriage.

 

Me either.

[ConInLA]

Of course you feel like a fraud, because you ARE a fraud. Until your husband knows the truth that is.

 

Your husband is unwittingly living a lie with you. He thinks that you and your marriage is one way, and you know that it is another way, totally something else. You have been betraying him and doing him dirty all this time, only he doesn't know it. You're a double-agent who had this secret life w your AP.

 

This whole "I need to stop judging myself" is a complete lie. You instead need to start cleaning up the mess you made, and come clean to your husband.

 

Did you feel better when your partner confessed to you?? Just wondering!!

[ConInLA]

Con, I'll ask you the same thing I asked LL:

 

If in 5 years, somehow your H finds out about your A, what then? If you keep course, at that point, your M should be better than ever, bonding with your H as never before. His reaction to finding this out will be that he will feel like these last 5 years of the marriage were a fraud, a sham. He will know in his heart and mind, that you only poured yourself into your M out of guilt, regardless of what you know to be true.

 

How will you handle that?

 

I'm not sure how I will handle it but it's just highly unlikely he ever finds out. I'm telling you, my AP doesnt care that much about this. If anything, I was just another notch on his belt.

[GoldenR]

I'm not sure how I will handle it but it's just highly unlikely he ever finds out. I'm telling you, my AP doesnt care that much about this. If anything, I was just another notch on his belt.

 

If that's really the case, to should be worried. Guys like that, they like to brag.

[GoldenR]

Did you feel better when your partner confessed to you?? Just wondering!!

 

 

I'll answer from my perspective...

 

There was never any confessing. I found out on my own with them all. And I immediately broke it off with all of them. Had one of them come to me and confessed, telling me the right things along with it.....Idk. I may have attempted R bc I'm actually a very nice guy and hate hurting ppl.

[ConInLA]

If that's really the case, to should be worried. Guys like that, they like to brag.

 

Okay, well if that blue moon occurs, I will handle it. With that said, likeliness is slim to none.

[Life lessons]

The NC thing is fine. The key word with our AP is: SINGLE. All they have to do is switch us out for a newer model. I'm sure they were never pining over us. It's a harsh reality but it's a truth that needs to be faced. Silly us for thinking we were special. And yes, working with them is hard. I passed up a job opportunity at my old job just because I knew it was a bad idea to continue to be around him. It makes it harder to get over and cut ties. I didn't want that burden. I was where you were, focusing on the "excitement" of it all. And then I realized, this isn't EXCITING!! This is a terrible ride and I would like to get the hell off. NC is kind of hard. I actually miss the "friendship" more then the sex, honestly. It's such a toxic dynamic. All of it.

 

Kinda in the same predicament. I don't miss the sex at all but I do miss talking to him. But I also know I can't have that friendship because of the pain I've already caused. I know many here talk about how the OM only wants one thing but I really do think my case was different. We would make good friends...but realistically I know that could and will never happen. Not to mention he obviously can't be as good of a person as I portray him to be considering he pursued me knowing I was married. But I do get where you're coming from. I do feel guilty even saying I miss the friendship though and I guess I should feel that way considering everything that transpired.

 

Are you planning on confessing? Does your IC encourage confession? Mine does not!

[BluesPower]

Kinda in the same predicament. I don't miss the sex at all but I do miss talking to him. But I also know I can't have that friendship because of the pain I've already caused. I know many here talk about how the OM only wants one thing but I really do think my case was different. We would make good friends...but realistically I know that could and will never happen. Not to mention he obviously can't be as good of a person as I portray him to be considering he pursued me knowing I was married. But I do get where you're coming from. I do feel guilty even saying I miss the friendship though and I guess I should feel that way considering everything that transpired.

 

Are you planning on confessing? Does your IC encourage confession? Mine does not!

 

Ladies, I have not posted about this stuff a lot lately. And before I say anything, understand that I have been completely reformed, even with single women, for a while, and I do not mess with MW anymore at all.

 

But I was pretty much a jerk for several years toward the end of my marriage.

 

The listening to you, understanding your problems, letting you talk it out with me, and just being there for you... All that stuff is part of the game.

 

I got so good at it I could finish their sentences. I knew which ones were having no sex and which ones were having bad sex. I understood the ones that had H's that did not help enough with the kids or their H was just a messy pig, on and on.

 

Other men, married or not, trade understanding and compassion and the emotional bonding for NSA sex with MW. And frankly while I was honest and understanding of their problems, I had already heard this problem or that problem several times.

 

Not that they did not dig you or anything, but honestly they were able to make you think they were way more in to you than they actually were.

 

I am telling you all this so that even when you swear that you are not getting played, in a way, you kind of are.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Kinda in the same predicament. I don't miss the sex at all but I do miss talking to him. But I also know I can't have that friendship because of the pain I've already caused. I know many here talk about how the OM only wants one thing but I really do think my case was different. We would make good friends...but realistically I know that could and will never happen. Not to mention he obviously can't be as good of a person as I portray him to be considering he pursued me knowing I was married. But I do get where you're coming from. I do feel guilty even saying I miss the friendship though and I guess I should feel that way considering everything that transpired.

 

Are you planning on confessing? Does your IC encourage confession? Mine does not!

 

You do realize you are lying to yourself...and nothing good will come of the feelings you are describing and the things you are saying.

 

It is time for you to be completely honest with yourself....you are living in a fantasy.

 

The reality is...you belong to another man...that you profess to love and want to stay married to.

 

I want you to think about this....let's pretend that your husband is here and is reading everything you say. would you change the things you say? Would you change what you feel?

 

If you feel any guilt in the things you say about your om...then you should not say them....why? Because if you are sincere in your attempt to reconcile....then honesty with yourself...is your first step.

 

Girl talk about your wonderful om...is not a sign that you have any regret or sorrow for what you have done at all.

 

Have you read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda Macdonald?

 

Have you told your therapist that you are still living in a fantasy? Do you understand how much pain your husband would be in if he knew what you have done? No...you don't....because you would never have just said the things you said.

 

I will be your cheerleader....but i will also be honest. and what i have just witnessed made me nauseated.

[understand50]

Kinda in the same predicament. I don't miss the sex at all but I do miss talking to him. But I also know I can't have that friendship because of the pain I've already caused. I know many here talk about how the OM only wants one thing but I really do think my case was different. We would make good friends...but realistically I know that could and will never happen. Not to mention he obviously can't be as good of a person as I portray him to be considering he pursued me knowing I was married. But I do get where you're coming from. I do feel guilty even saying I miss the friendship though and I guess I should feel that way considering everything that transpired.

 

Are you planning on confessing? Does your IC encourage confession? Mine does not!

 

Life lessons,

 

You many be right, but you crossed a line when you had sex with him. I have women friends that are good friends, and we have had a friendship for many year. Difference is, that my wife is friends with them, and I am open with her as to my friendships. I have also never slept with them. The sad part is that by sleeping with him, any chance of a friendship is gone. You are married, and he must remain someone you never talk to again, if possible. You traded what may have been a good friend for sex. You also betrayed your spouse, with all this you can never have any type of relationship with him.

 

I wish you luck....

[ConInLA]

Kinda in the same predicament. I don't miss the sex at all but I do miss talking to him. But I also know I can't have that friendship because of the pain I've already caused. I know many here talk about how the OM only wants one thing but I really do think my case was different. We would make good friends...but realistically I know that could and will never happen. Not to mention he obviously can't be as good of a person as I portray him to be considering he pursued me knowing I was married. But I do get where you're coming from. I do feel guilty even saying I miss the friendship though and I guess I should feel that way considering everything that transpired.

 

Are you planning on confessing? Does your IC encourage confession? Mine does not!

 

No, I am not planning on confessing. My IC just says that he will support me in whatever my decision is and that he isn't there to tell me what's right or wrong etc. Anyway, in regard to the "friendship", I wouldn't call it that with an AP. Which is why, it's best to just go NC. I am currently in touch with my AP but I now know that I am ready to close that door completely. Why, you may ask?? Well, I know that there is no place for him in my life. I can't even put his real name in my phone. I can't tell my husband who I am talking to. Also, each time I talk to him I have this sense of disappointment that I no longer want to feel either. With that said, it is still secrets being held from my husband and I no longer want that negativity in life. I actually saw my AP while out the other day and I literally wanted to run. He was with his family. It was the most random thing ever and it really tripped me out. He said 'hey' and I literally just wanted to run. I said nothing back because it was just uncomfortable. I froze. I had no clue why he even spoke, his girlfriend was right behind him. This is when I realized, we can never be friends. I'm sorry but if there is someone in your life that is a supposed friend and you have to hide them, it isn't just a friend. Yes, it does suck because it really does mean that you betrayed your spouse for NOTHING. That's what I am struggling with but at this point I am ready to close the door. Hell, I'm ready to burn the entire house down. If I could, I would delete him and our experience from my memory but I can't. You do need to stop romanticizing your AP though and let him go, at least if you want to get over him. Some people are just not to meant to remain in your life.

[ConInLA]

Ladies, I have not posted about this stuff a lot lately. And before I say anything, understand that I have been completely reformed, even with single women, for a while, and I do not mess with MW anymore at all.

 

But I was pretty much a jerk for several years toward the end of my marriage.

 

The listening to you, understanding your problems, letting you talk it out with me, and just being there for you... All that stuff is part of the game.

 

I got so good at it I could finish their sentences. I knew which ones were having no sex and which ones were having bad sex. I understood the ones that had H's that did not help enough with the kids or their H was just a messy pig, on and on.

 

Other men, married or not, trade understanding and compassion and the emotional bonding for NSA sex with MW. And frankly while I was honest and understanding of their problems, I had already heard this problem or that problem several times.

 

Not that they did not dig you or anything, but honestly they were able to make you think they were way more in to you than they actually were.

 

I am telling you all this so that even when you swear that you are not getting played, in a way, you kind of are.

 

I never talked about my husband with my AP. Well, that's not completely true, I did ONCE. In our initial talks, I mentioned that my husband was a great man, lover, husband, and an as$h**. Other than that, I never talked about him. Our friendship was centered around talking about TV shows, music, and politics. A very casual "friendship" if it was ever one at all.

[ConInLA]

Life lessons,

 

You many be right, but you crossed a line when you had sex with him. I have women friends that are good friends, and we have had a friendship for many year. Difference is, that my wife is friends with them, and I am open with her as to my friendships. I have also never slept with them. The sad part is that by sleeping with him, any chance of a friendship is gone. You are married, and he must remain someone you never talk to again, if possible. You traded what may have been a good friend for sex. You also betrayed your spouse, with all this you can never have any type of relationship with him.

 

I wish you luck....

 

Exactly. Well said!

[deadsoul]

Ladies, I have not posted about this stuff a lot lately. And before I say anything, understand that I have been completely reformed, even with single women, for a while, and I do not mess with MW anymore at all.

 

But I was pretty much a jerk for several years toward the end of my marriage.

 

The listening to you, understanding your problems, letting you talk it out with me, and just being there for you... All that stuff is part of the game.

 

I got so good at it I could finish their sentences. I knew which ones were having no sex and which ones were having bad sex. I understood the ones that had H's that did not help enough with the kids or their H was just a messy pig, on and on.

 

Other men, married or not, trade understanding and compassion and the emotional bonding for NSA sex with MW. And frankly while I was honest and understanding of their problems, I had already heard this problem or that problem several times.

 

Not that they did not dig you or anything, but honestly they were able to make you think they were way more in to you than they actually were.

 

I am telling you all this so that even when you swear that you are not getting played, in a way, you kind of are.

 

Ouch. That's a little painful for me to read because I think you are exactly right. Though my AP was not even a very good listener. I am grateful he ghosted me and never "lied to me" about where we stood. We knew we were FWB. But now we are nothing.

[deadsoul]

Exactly. Well said!

 

That's the hard part... I had to give up a great friendship because of the sex. But that whole "we can still be friends" thing is a myth and a lie. Can't happen.

 

Has to be 100% NC.

[deadsoul]

Kinda in the same predicament. I don't miss the sex at all but I do miss talking to him. But I also know I can't have that friendship because of the pain I've already caused. I know many here talk about how the OM only wants one thing but I really do think my case was different. We would make good friends...but realistically I know that could and will never happen. Not to mention he obviously can't be as good of a person as I portray him to be considering he pursued me knowing I was married. But I do get where you're coming from. I do feel guilty even saying I miss the friendship though and I guess I should feel that way considering everything that transpired.

 

Are you planning on confessing? Does your IC encourage confession? Mine does not!

 

No... unfortunately the friendship is out the window.

[drifter777]

I know many here talk about how the OM only wants one thing but I really do think my case was different.

Everyone thinks their case is different. It's not. Men want no-strings sex and will do damn near anything to get it. He was never your friend in the true sense of the word. He was friendly to you and you decided to trade sex to keep his "friendship". Your story is no different than what most WW's experience. He wanted sex. That's all.

[Jersey born raised]

Why did you feel your husband was a jerk when you said it. Exactly what did you say? Do you still feel this way?

 

I ask because it is common for a WS to magnify or invent characteristics of their spouse to put them at fault for their adultery. It is a form of self-justification. Often the issues are real and resentment sets in. Up to and including the adultery.

[Jersey born raised]

Did your spouse experience adultery previously? How did he experience it?

[MickeyBill]

...I do feel guilty even saying I miss the friendship though and I guess I should feel that way considering everything that transpired.

 

Do you miss the friendship, the excitement, the unicorns, the sex, and the attention of a young hot guy?

Sounds like you are not too sure about whether your feeling of "guilt" is genuine or just expected by "society"

[CheshireCat90]

MySELF is exactly who I should be thinking about it. I NEED to be thinking about what caused ME to go down this path.

 

Oh how I weep for your husband, why men choose women who are so self-consumed is beyond me. If your affair partner stops ghosting you this topic will have a part 2. The reason you need to stop thinking about your self is because you are selfish. As long as you're thinking about you and not your husband...not your kids you will do what feels, looks, or sounds good to you and only you.

 

Hell you couldn't even take accountability for something you've already admitted in regards to instigating the cheating. You're the victim who chased a single guy ? sure he could have not agreed to entertain the affair but the stranger who didn't make vows to YOUR HUSBAND shouldn't have to be more responsible for your marriage than you are, that's just silly. Good lord. Your family is in my prayers.

Edited March 22, 2017 by CheshireCat90

[Cephalopod]

I honestly think, from everything I've read, that you are just not into your marriage or husband at all. You need your BH to help pay the bills and help you maintain the lifestyle you are accustomed to. You need him to help you care for the kids. Apart from that, I don't see any of the tell-tale descriptions of your husband that would lead me to believe you are sexually attracted to him or love him as a lover.

 

 

You talk about your OM a lot. Much more than you talk about your husband. That is telling, don't you think?

 

 

Why not just ask your husband for an amicable divorce and be single for several years. Sleep with different men, do the dating and clubbing thing, get it out of your system, and then when you no longer find life without the promiscuous sex component boring, find some guy to settle down with?

 

 

I'm not trying to belittle you here. I'm actually being quite serious. I really do think that married life is just not for you. You may not be a monogamist. There are some people who are able to handle the hum-drum nature of marriage, and some just cannot.

[ConInLA]

Why did you feel your husband was a jerk when you said it. Exactly what did you say? Do you still feel this way?

 

I ask because it is common for a WS to magnify or invent characteristics of their spouse to put them at fault for their adultery. It is a form of self-justification. Often the issues are real and resentment sets in. Up to and including the adultery.

 

Yes but that is just a characteristic of his. It doesn't mean he's a bad person. I don't even think I meant it in a negative way but my AP may have taken it that way. My husband is an a$&ho/3 in the most respectful way, if that makes sense.

[ConInLA]

Do you miss the friendship, the excitement, the unicorns, the sex, and the attention of a young hot guy?

Sounds like you are not too sure about whether your feeling of "guilt" is genuine or just expected by "society"

 

He wasn't young and I would hardly call him hot. And no, I don't miss it. I wish I could undo the past but I can't. Believe me, you people have no clue the torment that I inflict on myself. I feel shame, embarrassment for my husband, more then I feel guilt per se.