Lost in Affair

[QuietDan]

I haven't updated this thread in awhile, so I figured I would now. Contrary to my earlier refusal, I did end up confessing to my husband that I had an affair. I realized that by keeping this secret, every moment that me and my BS had in the future would be built upon a lie. Meaning that I would never know if my intentions were pure in my marriage. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn't live with that and I didn't want him too either. I had done enough choosing for him and I decided that I wouldn't be that person anymore. Honestly, I was never that person. I truly became the worst version of myself while engaging in this affair. I currently am in the stage of self-reflection and major embarrassment about the situation. I cheapened myself for a few romps in the sack with a single man. I cheapened my marriage by allowing another man to participate in acts that only my husband should have been allowed to have. It hasn't been easy but my husband has chosen to forgive me. It has only been around two weeks so I'm not sure what stage we are in but we are trying to get through this. There hasn't been much arguing, just a sense of shock on his part. Also, questions and comments here and there about my prior actions. I know he's hurt and that hurts me. With that said, I really am surprised he decided to forgive me. I didn't think he would and it caused me to really spin out of control the weeks leading up to my confession. I'm humbled by his forgiveness. Some may see it as weakness but I see it as a gift. A gift that he didn't have to give.

I had to update because of the slim chance that someone comes to my thread BEFORE they begin an affair, they should know that it doesn't lead anywhere good. They should know that what seems like fun now, will lead to pure hell in a few months for mainly everyone involved! They should know that the affair will trigger them in ways that they never even imagined. Most importantly, they should know that this act is not an act that someone with self-respect and integrity partakes in. It just isn't right and the main indicator that something isn't right is when it is of a secretive nature. Just don't do it! The hurt that you will cause your spouse isn't worth it. The hurt that you cause yourself isn't worth it. My affair was one of the worst decisions of my life. I wish that I could go back and take it away but I can't.

 

Hang in there, I am rooting for you two.

It is still very very early in the beginnings of the reconciliation process.

In all likely hood, your husband really hasn't even begun to really process this yet. It will probable get a lot worse before it gets better.

You need to be patient. Hopefully you are getting educated on what you need to do and what you need to get prepared for.

A lot of good Betrayed Loyal Spouses have a tendency to want to rush into forgiveness. Unfortunately, in some ways it is likely premature. I say that in the sense that there is a lot of stuff that as individuals and as a couple you two will need to learn about and come to terms with.

This usually takes time, a lot of time. He sort of is trying to jump past all of this to the finish stage. Sort of still in the shock and a bit of internal denial stage of things. When the shock wears off, most likely it will, his emotions will be all over the place.

I sometimes am concerned that in his attempt to forgive so early in the process, he is trying to not deal with it, trying to make everything go back to the way it was.

He may try to hold back some of his concerns, fears, frustrations, it sometimes has the potential of creating a rug sweeping situation.

Don't push him, let him work through some of this on his own schedule.

But be prepared, this is possible a bit of a quite before the storm.

Remember, it usually takes around 2 to 5 years before a relationship starts to really reach a point where it is restored and recovered.

 

Good luck with this.

 

I am glad you posted this follow up.

[Imajerk17]

I am aware that OP's marriage's R is just starting and there will definitely be some serious bumps along the road. I do also want to say though, that I truly salute you for doing the right thing, ConInLA. I really took a lot of guts on your part, taking that first step to work to make things right as you did.

Edited April 23, 2017 by Imajerk17

[understand50]

ConInLA,

 

I am glad for you that you confessed. In the end it was the only honorable path that you could have taken, and you will see it is best for you. Here are some links that may help you and your husband as you navigate reconciliation. I try and post some practicable things, as both of you are going to have to learn how to get through this, as it is new and something most people hope never to have to face.

 

Have you both read and discussed the top thread here?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/roma...use-needs-know

 

See Linda McDonald's book, " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair"

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

Things a BS should do:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/roma...reconciliation

 

Lastly, just what is remorse?:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/roma...elates-affairs

 

I wish you luck......

[Cephalopod]

You quoted this a while ago.

 

I was very unhappy in life when I began this affair, and had been for awhile. Also, I am beginning IC next week. What you said about it possibly happening again, is actually one of my biggest concerns and is the main reason why I am starting therapy.

 

How is that unhappiness now? Has it returned...compounded now by your humiliation and your husband's pain? Now that you are standing on the other side, do you think your previous unhappiness was your husband's fault, or was it something you were carrying inside you?

 

These questions will have to be put to an independent counselor if you are ever to succeed in rebuilding yourself and your marriage. Did you tell your counselor you confessed? What does she say?

 

As for your husband, don't expect this quiet period to last long. He is in shock and once the shock wears off the anger will come. Be prepared.

 

What have you told him about the sex?

[BaileyB]

I haven't updated this thread in awhile, so I figured I would now. Contrary to my earlier refusal, I did end up confessing to my husband that I had an affair. I realized that by keeping this secret, every moment that me and my BS had in the future would be built upon a lie. Meaning that I would never know if my intentions were pure in my marriage. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn't live with that and I didn't want him too either. I had done enough choosing for him and I decided that I wouldn't be that person anymore. Honestly, I was never that person. I truly became the worst version of myself while engaging in this affair. I currently am in the stage of self-reflection and major embarrassment about the situation. I cheapened myself for a few romps in the sack with a single man. I cheapened my marriage by allowing another man to participate in acts that only my husband should have been allowed to have. It hasn't been easy but my husband has chosen to forgive me. It has only been around two weeks so I'm not sure what stage we are in but we are trying to get through this. There hasn't been much arguing, just a sense of shock on his part. Also, questions and comments here and there about my prior actions. I know he's hurt and that hurts me. With that said, I really am surprised he decided to forgive me. I didn't think he would and it caused me to really spin out of control the weeks leading up to my confession. I'm humbled by his forgiveness. Some may see it as weakness but I see it as a gift. A gift that he didn't have to give.

I had to update because of the slim chance that someone comes to my thread BEFORE they begin an affair, they should know that it doesn't lead anywhere good. They should know that what seems like fun now, will lead to pure hell in a few months for mainly everyone involved! They should know that the affair will trigger them in ways that they never even imagined. Most importantly, they should know that this act is not an act that someone with self-respect and integrity partakes in. It just isn't right and the main indicator that something isn't right is when it is of a secretive nature. Just don't do it! The hurt that you will cause your spouse isn't worth it. The hurt that you cause yourself isn't worth it. My affair was one of the worst decisions of my life. I wish that I could go back and take it away but I can't.

 

I have such respect for you. You have made the hard decision, but it is such a good decision. Your husband has given you a gift - don't waste it! I have such hope for you and your marriage now. Best wishes in the future for your family.

[smi11ie]

Well done. That must have been hard. You have a long road ahead but at least the skelatons are out of the closet.

[Marc878]

I applaud you for your warning of affairs to others but I suspect it'll fall on deaf ears.

 

You wouldn't have heeded any warning and I doubt many others will either.

[ConInLA]

You quoted this a while ago.

 

 

 

How is that unhappiness now? Has it returned...compounded now by your humiliation and your husband's pain? Now that you are standing on the other side, do you think your previous unhappiness was your husband's fault, or was it something you were carrying inside you?

 

These questions will have to be put to an independent counselor if you are ever to succeed in rebuilding yourself and your marriage. Did you tell your counselor you confessed? What does she say?

 

As for your husband, don't expect this quiet period to last long. He is in shock and once the shock wears off the anger will come. Be prepared.

 

What have you told him about the sex?

 

I appreciate the well wishes from all of you. If you would've told me months ago that I was going to confess, I wouldn't have believed you but it became impossible to avoid. As I told my BS, I had to "live in the light" and as we all know light can't live with darkness. I began to realize that the longer I held the secret, I was still engaging in an affair. Albeit, an emotional one. I just wanted to be free all of it. I do know that it is early on but I am optimistic that we will find our way out of this.

 

Cephalopod, I recently switched counselor's because the guy I was going to was to passive for me. I am now talking to a female counselor who is helping me sort through past childhood issues and past hurts. I am not "unhappy" per se. I just feel unbalanced and not like myself. I have a lot of shame that stems from the affair. Honestly, I can't even look back on ANY of it positively. Looking back, my AP should have been a co-worker/acquaintance and that's it. This affair was a trauma for me that really triggered a lot of things from my past. Especially since it was such a personally disrespectful situation. Towards the end of it, much to my AP's nightmare I'm sure, I really dropped a ton of emotional stuff on him about my guilt and other things because I was just terrified that I was going to lose everything. It got pretty bad. It was like I was living in a personal nightmare. I hadn't felt happiness in a long time but none of that was because of my husband. In retrospect, I should have gotten counseling as soon as I started thinking about sleeping with someone besides my husband. Anyway, I only answer questions that he asks. He doesn't ask many questions anymore. It's impossible to tell him everything, which I'm sure he realizes.

Edited April 23, 2017 by ConInLA

[GoldenR]

I'm shocked. And impressed. Props to you for doing the right thing. Best of luck with the R.

[Cephalopod]

I dunno... You still sound very self-oriented and emotionally muffled. I hear a lot of feel-good platitudes, but not much remorse. Doesn't sound like you or your husband are that devastated. Strange.

 

Write a detailed timeline, that includes everything...your activities, sexual and non-sexual, and the emotions you felt while doing them. Include what you felt you were missing. Take your time and and include as much as you can. Fold it up and put it in a sealed envelope and give it to him. If and when he wants to read it he can.

 

Trickle truth or holding back any facts or details will derail any chance you have at reconciliation.

 

But do you really want reconciliation, or are you just sticking around with a man you don't love or desire sexually out of a sense of obligation and guilt?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I dunno... You still sound very self-oriented and emotionally muffled. I hear a lot of feel-good platitudes, but not much remorse. Doesn't sound like you or your husband are that devastated. Strange.

 

Write a detailed timeline, that includes everything...your activities, sexual and non-sexual, and the emotions you felt while doing them. Include what you felt you were missing. Take your time and and include as much as you can. Fold it up and put it in a sealed envelope and give it to him. If and when he wants to read it he can.

 

Trickle truth or holding back any facts or details will derail any chance you have at reconciliation.

 

But do you really want reconciliation, or are you just sticking around with a man you don't love or desire sexually out of a sense of obligation and guilt?

 

good questions and very observant

[SoulStorm]

Good job on confessing. I know it seems like an even worse decision than having the affair in the first place, but in long term it will be a more favored decision.

 

I will warn you, your husband is in shock right now, however that will wear off and you will be face to face with blinding rage. It occurs within 3 to 6 months after finding out.

 

Key things to do when this happens

 

Don't get defensive

Be empathetic

He may call you names he never called you before

A way to respond to those name is like this;

 

Yes, I acted that way and I am sorry for that and wish I could take it all back. I am not acting that way now and will continue not acting that way. I am genuinely sorry that I hurt you by having an affair, please don't call me those names

 

Be transparent and honest

You are going to get frustrated...don't take it out on him

You are going to get exhausted...don take it out on him

Take this one hour at a time

Be patient

 

It takes a coward to have an affair, it takes a hero to save it.

 

Hello hero

[ConInLA]

Okay, I simply came to give an update, not to be accused of gas lighting or selfish tendencies. Things aren't always black & white. We as human beings aren't one dimensional. If you must know, my husband is devastated but I assumed as a human being that you already knew that. It's common sense. I'm not staying anywhere out of guilt or obligation, I'm simply choosing the man that I love and have 2 kids with. He asked for and I gave him a timeline the day I confessed. He asked to see his FB profile, I did that as well. These things have been done plus more that I don't feel the need to mention. We're trying. With that said, I don't need to go back and forth with anyone but my husband. I won't be posting in this thread anymore but I do highly appreciate the advice from the helpful posters and the well wishers. I can only hope that me and my husband make it back to the other side. We know it wont be easy but instead of doing the easy thing and throwing in the towel, we're choosing to walk through the muddied waters together. I will always appreciate him for that.

[Owl6118]

Well done, sister. Today you have reclaimed your integrity. This is is no small thing.

 

I have a profound personal belief in the possibility of redemption. I have to, for I have greatly harmed myself and others at various times and in various ways, and the shame and pain of that has been nearly crushing. But redemption is possible, through reflection, and accountability, humility, and hard work.

 

Some of the people I admire most, the people who have helped me and inspired me with their compassion, are former waywards, former substance abusers, former alcoholics, recovering depressives. Through their trials they gained empathy and use it to help others. You too can be such a person in the lives of your children and others you encounter in life going forward.

 

I wish you well.

[BenchCoach]

If I may, what steps have you taken to permanently shut the door on the OM, and reestablish an honest and forthcoming marriage with your husband? Have you made it perfectly clear to the OM that your "relationship" was a farce? Did you ever explicitly tell this person not to contact you under any circumstances, and that the person you really want to be with is your husband? In other words, have you sent a NC letter to him?

[deadsoul]

I dunno... You still sound very self-oriented and emotionally muffled. I hear a lot of feel-good platitudes, but not much remorse. Doesn't sound like you or your husband are that devastated. Strange.

 

Write a detailed timeline, that includes everything...your activities, sexual and non-sexual, and the emotions you felt while doing them. Include what you felt you were missing. Take your time and and include as much as you can. Fold it up and put it in a sealed envelope and give it to him. If and when he wants to read it he can.

 

Trickle truth or holding back any facts or details will derail any chance you have at reconciliation.

 

But do you really want reconciliation, or are you just sticking around with a man you don't love or desire sexually out of a sense of obligation and guilt?

 

The problem with message boards is we don't really hear how people "sound." It is what we, as readers, perceive. I read Con's update as very general. She gave people the cliff notes version. That doesn't make her emotionally muffled. This is a message board. We don't know how devastated her and her husband are because she chooses not to put that out here. She came here wanting to end her affair and originally not wanting to confess. She took an extremely hard step in doing so and giving us an update is a favor, not an obligation.

 

I know that anyone in the thick of an A isn't going to listen. But maybe her thread will help someone. I know it has helped me, as have many others here have.

 

Con, I supported you when you chose not to confess and I support you now that you have.

[Jersey born raised]

Will you start a new thread on the reconciliation board? It is a long journey.

It starts with remorse and empathy.

 

Be well

[mercy]

The problem with message boards is we don't really hear how people "sound." It is what we, as readers, perceive. I read Con's update as very general. She gave people the cliff notes version. That doesn't make her emotionally muffled. This is a message board. We don't know how devastated her and her husband are because she chooses not to put that out here. She came here wanting to end her affair and originally not wanting to confess. She took an extremely hard step in doing so and giving us an update is a favor, not an obligation.

 

I know that anyone in the thick of an A isn't going to listen. But maybe her thread will help someone. I know it has helped me, as have many others here have.

 

Con, I supported you when you chose not to confess and I support you now that you have.

,

Beyond respect for you, deadsoul, just wanted to let you know that. Beautiful person that you are. Life right now is blessing you in small ways the bigger blessings will come soon if not already. It's because of who you are deep inside. Joy will come, it's inevitable.

 

Con, lies keep us stuck, you just freed yourself and have been given a gift that is beyond measure. Cherish it. Here is something for you to hold onto:

 

PROVERBS 3 1:10

 

With special interest to verses 3 & 4

 

Your truth has set you free. You are forgiven.

 

Shame will dissipate when you realize you are forgiven. Much love prayers and hope being sent into the universe for you and yours.

Edited April 24, 2017 by mercy
changed deadpool {lol} to deadsoul thank you for telling me

[Cephalopod]

The problem with message boards is we don't really hear how people "sound." It is what we, as readers, perceive. I read Con's update as very general. She gave people the cliff notes version. That doesn't make her emotionally muffled. This is a message board. We don't know how devastated her and her husband are because she chooses not to put that out here. She came here wanting to end her affair and originally not wanting to confess. She took an extremely hard step in doing so and giving us an update is a favor, not an obligation.

 

I know that anyone in the thick of an A isn't going to listen. But maybe her thread will help someone. I know it has helped me, as have many others here have.

 

Con, I supported you when you chose not to confess and I support you now that you have.

 

I believe the questions I asked her were valid and important for her to answer for herself, and I stand by them.

[Life lessons]

Good job Con!

 

As I've told you before, I'm proud of you!

 

I know it took a lot of courage to confess....I admire you and dead soul....... I wish I had the courage you guys have!

[Bobdobalina]

Poor old hubby gets life's sloppy 2nds

[QuietDan]

Good job Con!

 

As I've told you before, I'm proud of you!

 

I know it took a lot of courage to confess....I admire you and dead soul....... I wish I had the courage you guys have!

 

My loyal betrayed spouse knows what she found out. D-Day and the following few years after that were not pleasant. However, she wasn't and isn't interested in knowing anymore. I respect and respected her wishes. Which was easier 10 years ago to deal with when I wasn't as interested in being as transparent and emotionally intimate as I am these days.

I navigate around those stumbling stones, but, they are more painful and fill me with more regret and remorse than they use to.

 

I suggest, if there is a way to safely find out by following a tangent thread of some conversation that won't give you away, see if you can find out what your spouses view point on this topic is one way or the other, find out if possible, then find a way to respect it. Usually, it seems like the majority of betrayed spouses want to know the truth. But, not all. Or, then there are some who maybe only want to know the generalities, but not the whole truth or the details.

 

However, that being said, I more than understand your viewpoint.

The sooner that truth can come out closer to the actual events that are relevant to the situation at hand, the better it is...

I think it is like a debt you owe. The principal balance is the same either way. However, life seems to charge a high rate of interest if you try to pay it off through time... in some ways... it is a lot more expensive to the relationship when it is kept a secret...

I still... find a way to test the waters with her every year or two to see if... her viewpoint has changed over time....

It won't be easy, if she does change her viewpoint, but, better than living with this shadow/darkness always there haunting me. Some secrets can wear on a person over time.

[QuietDan]

Good job Con!

 

As I've told you before, I'm proud of you!

 

I know it took a lot of courage to confess....I admire you and dead soul....... I wish I had the courage you guys have!

 

Sigh.... Life lessons.... if only you new the price you will probable pay keeping this a secret.... It would take you more courage to keep the secret then.

Some regrets don't fade if the source isn't dealt with.

Some regrets become more profound and heavy to carry with time...

They weigh heavy on a relationship, keeping it on the ground walking, when it could be flying...

 

I am happy for ConInLA, it won't be easy for them, they might not even be successful with recovering the marriage, but, at least she isn't missing this opportunity to step up and begin the work to develop the best possible mutually rewarding relationship that she can have with her husband.

The better it is for her, the better it will be for her husband. The better it is for husband, the better it will be for her.

[deadsoul]

I believe the questions I asked her were valid and important for her to answer for herself, and I stand by them.

 

It wasn't your questions I was talking about. It was your comment about "sounding" emotionally muffled. You're right, you asked valid questions that are important for her to answer for herself. I'm glad you clarified that as she is in no obligation to answer them here.