Lost in Affair

[ConInLA]

She's lying. She's already been back with him/

 

Actually, I AM done with my affair. It isn't anything that I even long to go back to. It took me a long time to wake-up. I was still struggling heavily with my emotions during my last posting. Do I still think about him? Sure, but not sexually. Currently, I think of him in a "what-the-hell-was-I-thinking?" way, which actually can be quite frustrating. I look forward to the day when he isn't on my mind at all. I look forward to indifference. Have I talked to him since my last posting? Sure, but as I said before, we both realized that we needed to stop. Maybe him, even more than me. Do I think I need to go completely NC? Yes, that may be for the best. I do think he only wants to remain "friends" in an attempt to ease his guilty conscious. We hardly talk. We talked our situation to death already. He's with his girlfriend and I just have no desire to continue with behaviors that can wreck my entire life. I am currently working on me, and I do feel much better. Affairs are giant weights that drain on a person's mind, body, and soul. I wouldn't recommend them to my worst enemy. As someone said on here before, affairs are "nothing relationships." I completely agree. They don't lead anywhere good and they eventually lead to a dead-end. I feel foolish for even participating in one, I literally feel like a fool. With that said, it's in my past and all I can do is ask GOD for forgiveness and make sure that I never put my spouse, my kids, and myself in that situation again. I am not sure what I was even thinking. The farther I come out of the "fog", I realize that I have a man in my life who loves me for me and the type of guy that most women would love to have. I have taken him for granted for so many years because of issues in my past but this affair has taught me something; I refuse to let my past dictate my future any longer. You become, what you think. I really just want to let it all go and make the most of my life. Our time here is short and I refuse to let this affair hold me down any longer.

[ConInLA]

if your H had an A, would you be fine with him still working with her?

 

You need to get a different job and stop all contact.

 

Hope you do not have your H meet him at an office event.

 

That has caused some BS pain that they could not overcome.

 

Time to change jobs and go completely NC or you will be back in the A.

 

I hope you let your H have some fun.

 

I do have a different job and contact is pretty nonexistent. I will never be back in the affair, it's like circling the drain, its pointless to get back in it.

[ConInLA]

Wow, I was just about to tell you to "HeCantBreakMe' thread. Here is another issue: you gave up on your husband and marriage. Something was missing and you decided arbitrarily to "ditch" your husband in this regard. Well, whatever it was have you decided to just give up and live without for the rest of your life??

 

I'm not sure what I was thinking. There wasn't a good excuse for what I did, it was just flat out stupid.

[ConInLA]

It is black and white. And it's clear, you're choosing to keep him in your life. You can rationalize it any which you you choose: just being friendly, work colleagues, etc. Bottom line: you're choosing to hold onto him.

 

I'm not keeping him in my life. Hell, I hardly know the man, when I actually think about. There is nothing to hold onto. I asked myself when I was at my lowest with this whole thing: What are you missing?!! I mean really. I ask anyone who is pining over an AP to ask yourself that question. First of all, I don't deserve to be someone's secret or vise versa. I don't deserve a few texts here and there and a relationship that is mainly centered around sex. My husband doesn't deserve it. It was so beyond unfair to him the way that I was acting with this man. I am so happy to be free of the entire thing. It was just pointless and childish, tbh.

[Life lessons]

I'm not sure what I was thinking. There wasn't a good excuse for what I did, it was just flat out stupid.

 

Hi con, you're right...i, like you, just didn't think. we don't know what we were thinking at those moments. When the A is on going we obviously don't think about the reprocissions. It's an in the moment type of thing. I also feel so stupid for what I've done and there are no excuses for it. I f&$ked up Royally.

 

I'm glad to read that you have another job so that NC can be easier. Good luck to you!

[deadsoul]

If you had to articulate why you had the A, what would you say? Are you able to post it here? I'm starting to try to articulate the whys. And it's really hard. I'm afraid that the whys might ultimately end my marriage, even more than the affair may have.

[deadsoul]

I do have a different job and contact is pretty nonexistent. I will never be back in the affair, it's like circling the drain, its pointless to get back in it.

 

Yet. People seem to think you are. I wonder if they can apply that ESP to my life and tell me what's going to happen there. ;-) I completely agree with you about circling the drain. For me it was a terrible roller coaster.

[CheshireCat90]

I'm not keeping him in my life. Hell, I hardly know the man, when I actually think about. There is nothing to hold onto. I asked myself when I was at my lowest with this whole thing: What are you missing?!! I mean really. I ask anyone who is pining over an AP to ask yourself that question. First of all, I don't deserve to be someone's secret or vise versa. I don't deserve a few texts here and there and a relationship that is mainly centered around sex. My husband doesn't deserve it. It was so beyond unfair to him the way that I was acting with this man. I am so happy to be free of the entire thing. It was just pointless and childish, tbh.

 

 

 

What I despise the most about women who go down this line of thinking is that lovely little word " Deserve" . You don't deserve to be someones secret? you don't deserve a few scant texts for attention ?

 

Deserve has nothing to do with it honey You chose to pursue an affair outside of your marriage, you chose to put your husband on the backburner, you chose to harbor a dirty little secret to create some excitement in your life . It's not just that your husband doesn't deserve your mistreatment , you have shown yourself to be an unworthy wife .

 

Your views are very self - centered and instead of focusing on how this situation doesn't benefit you, you should really be considering how you can make yourself a better woman for your husband and how you can put yourself in a position where you look for ways to improve your marriage if things begin to become unfulfilling instead of finding external ways to make your life better at the potential cost of your marriage .

 

Your husband didn't fail you , your Affair partner didn't fail you , you failed your husband and roped the Affair partner into something he didn't need ( again you mention how you pursued the affair in the beginning)

[ConInLA]

Hi con, you're right...i, like you, just didn't think. we don't know what we were thinking at those moments. When the A is on going we obviously don't think about the reprocissions. It's an in the moment type of thing. I also feel so stupid for what I've done and there are no excuses for it. I f&$ked up Royally.

 

I'm glad to read that you have another job so that NC can be easier. Good luck to you!

 

Thanks lifelessons! No, we really don't think at all. We enjoy the thrill that it gives to our otherwise mundane lives. I rationalized the hell out of my affair and my AP. I have found though that continuing to beat myself over it, is helping no one. All I can do, is grow from it and let it go. Also, I will never put myself in that situation again. The affair was a dangerous place for me. It truly brought out some ugly and dark characteristics of my personality. I want to live in truth and be a good person, I can't do that by continuing in an affair. It took me a while to realize this because I was so far gone. We all do the wrong thing sometimes but I think a lesson can be learned from these huge mistakes. I don't have it all figured out but I am trying.

[ConInLA]

If you had to articulate why you had the A, what would you say? Are you able to post it here? I'm starting to try to articulate the whys. And it's really hard. I'm afraid that the whys might ultimately end my marriage, even more than the affair may have.

 

Well, I do remember quite well that I was just bored and angry with life when I met my AP. I don't even think it had anything to do with my husband when I look back on it. I just failed terribly at acting like a married woman. The way I behaved was like a single 18-year old girl. All morals were tossed to the side. I just wanted some fun and honestly was pissed that I couldn't just do "what I want." So, of course that type of thinking led me right to my willing and ready AP. I'm sorry to hear that your reasons may run a little deeper. Are your whys something that you feel cant be worked on in MC??

[Marc878]

If you had to articulate why you had the A, what would you say? Are you able to post it here? I'm starting to try to articulate the whys. And it's really hard. I'm afraid that the whys might ultimately end my marriage, even more than the affair may have.

 

Interesting comment. I'm assuming you can't say why on here but that's a huge step in getting to the bottom of your actions which many never can or do.

[ConInLA]

What I despise the most about women who go down this line of thinking is that lovely little word " Deserve" . You don't deserve to be someones secret? you don't deserve a few scant texts for attention ?

 

Deserve has nothing to do with it honey You chose to pursue an affair outside of your marriage, you chose to put your husband on the backburner, you chose to harbor a dirty little secret to create some excitement in your life . It's not just that your husband doesn't deserve your mistreatment , you have shown yourself to be an unworthy wife .

 

Your views are very self - centered and instead of focusing on how this situation doesn't benefit you, you should really be considering how you can make yourself a better woman for your husband and how you can put yourself in a position where you look for ways to improve your marriage if things begin to become unfulfilling instead of finding external ways to make your life better at the potential cost of your marriage .

 

Your husband didn't fail you , your Affair partner didn't fail you , you failed your husband and roped the Affair partner into something he didn't need ( again you mention how you pursued the affair in the beginning)

 

Here we go again. I am already doing just what you have said. I already know the areas and the reasons that need to be worked on in my life. And please, how I am being blamed for roping my AP into ANYTHING. I was just the first one to put it out there, that's all. I did not pursue him. The man flirted with me for weeks. I was just the first to put it out there. He wasn't roped into anything. With that said, I made myself a party to it. I should have avoided him as soon as his intentions were clear. Instead, I made it easy for him. I have NEVER said my husband failed me at anything. I don't place guilt on anyone but myself. I know that GOD is only going to hold me (and only ME) accountable for my actions. And I disagree with your assessment. Guess what?! MySELF is exactly who I should be thinking about it. I NEED to be thinking about what caused ME to go down this path.

[ConInLA]

Yet. People seem to think you are. I wonder if they can apply that ESP to my life and tell me what's going to happen there. ;-) I completely agree with you about circling the drain. For me it was a terrible roller coaster.

 

I'm not sure why people seem to think I am. I haven't posted because I have been busy trying to just clear my mind and focus on my marriage and kids. Sometimes, reading about affairs brings me back to that negative place that I just want to forget about. And yes, it was just a terrible rollercoaster, where very little "fun" was actually had.

[ConInLA]

OP, I skimmed through you thread a couple weeks back but I just now finished reading your entire thread. As I stated previously, I too was in an A with a single man. So many similarities here. How is the NC going? I saw where you stated you had to see him at times, so I'm assuming there's limited contact?? But how are you doing? Are you still missing him? NC is very difficult, trust me, I'm dealing with it now, but I certainly know it's the best decision for my family and I in the long term. I also know that if I worked with my ex AP, it wouldn't end. It's more difficult to end the A when you still see one another often. If you're handling it and not slowly going back in the A, then you're already much stronger than I would be. It's crazy for me to say that because like you, there is no love for my ex AP, but the excitement and validation would weigh heavily. But anyway, I wanted to check on you to see how everything is going. I hope that you haven't gotten back into the A. Remember a couple of hours of fun a week just isn't worth the loss it could possibly bring you, for a lifetime. (I tell myself that often as well)

 

The NC thing is fine. The key word with our AP is: SINGLE. All they have to do is switch us out for a newer model. I'm sure they were never pining over us. It's a harsh reality but it's a truth that needs to be faced. Silly us for thinking we were special. And yes, working with them is hard. I passed up a job opportunity at my old job just because I knew it was a bad idea to continue to be around him. It makes it harder to get over and cut ties. I didn't want that burden. I was where you were, focusing on the "excitement" of it all. And then I realized, this isn't EXCITING!! This is a terrible ride and I would like to get the hell off. NC is kind of hard. I actually miss the "friendship" more then the sex, honestly. It's such a toxic dynamic. All of it.

[harrybrown]

If you had to articulate why you had the A, what would you say? Are you able to post it here? I'm starting to try to articulate the whys. And it's really hard. I'm afraid that the whys might ultimately end my marriage, even more than the affair may have.

 

Hope you tell your H soon.

 

He deserves your continued honesty and help with his horrible pain.

 

Do not continue to make him suffer, if he will heal faster if you are not around and you do not want him.

[QuietDan]

I do have a different job and contact is pretty nonexistent. I will never be back in the affair, it's like circling the drain, its pointless to get back in it.

 

ConInLA ... maybe best to treat this like an addiction. Think of yourself as an alcoholic. Stay intentional, mindful to avoid temptations. Learn your lessons, move forward, "never".... seems to usually bring a repeat when enough time goes by and the pain and fear forgotten....

Being a fallen sinful person by nature, usually, I have a tendency to drift back to that nature if I do not stay intentional and mindful to keep it locked up.

 

Like most things, find some good fundamental forms of behavior to practice and return to it when life gets muddled and the mind gets clouded and chaos seems to rule. Then, back to the fundamentals to focus and direct.

 

For the football fans out there... getting back to the fundamentals of good stance and basic tackling technique...

 

For me....

I return to the following:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5*It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6*Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7*It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8*Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

[QuietDan]

I'm not sure why people seem to think I am. I haven't posted because I have been busy trying to just clear my mind and focus on my marriage and kids. Sometimes, reading about affairs brings me back to that negative place that I just want to forget about. And yes, it was just a terrible rollercoaster, where very little "fun" was actually had.

 

If by " I'm not sure why people seem to think I am." you are referring to that some of the people that are commenting seem to be thinking that you might be relapsing into the affair....

When you first started this thread, I noticed that it appeared that you, were regularly active, until you had some affair relapse events...

when you seemed to have the relapses, you seem to go silent a few days or a week... then, when the relapse ended, you returned to the thread and were active again.

That.... seemed to be your pattern.

So, when you went silent again for awhile,

Following past behavior patterns, my thinking was that you... to borrow a term from the alcoholic community, "fell off the wagon again". With a one...two... three... day period you were on a bit of a "Bender" in the past... However, with the extended time frame... began to wonder if you had... given up... given in to... went into an extend period of waywardness....

[ConInLA]

If by " I'm not sure why people seem to think I am." you are referring to that some of the people that are commenting seem to be thinking that you might be relapsing into the affair....

When you first started this thread, I noticed that it appeared that you, were regularly active, until you had some affair relapse events...

when you seemed to have the relapses, you seem to go silent a few days or a week... then, when the relapse ended, you returned to the thread and were active again.

That.... seemed to be your pattern.

So, when you went silent again for awhile,

Following past behavior patterns, my thinking was that you... to borrow a term from the alcoholic community, "fell off the wagon again". With a one...two... three... day period you were on a bit of a "Bender" in the past... However, with the extended time frame... began to wonder if you had... given up... given in to... went into an extend period of waywardness....

 

No, I understand how that can be perceived. When I started this thread, I was a person seeking advice on how to stop. I made it known that I was still very much in the affair. Since I posted that I was done, it hasn't been easy. It's hard to come to terms with what I have done and I have been keeping myself busy and distracted. Sometimes, I get really angry. Angry at myself and then angry at my AP but mostly angry at myself. I am just working "to get over this." I want to just focus on my husband and leave all of the rest of it in the past. It IS hard though. Yes, I do feel like a fraud sometimes but I recognize that this kind of thinking, isn't helping anyone. I have to stop judging myself and forgive myself. It's actually funny that I am struggling with this because I am the most forgiving and the least judgmental person when it comes to everyone else but not with myself.

[Imajerk17]

No, I understand how that can be perceived. When I started this thread, I was a person seeking advice on how to stop. I made it known that I was still very much in the affair. Since I posted that I was done, it hasn't been easy. It's hard to come to terms with what I have done and I have been keeping myself busy and distracted. Sometimes, I get really angry. Angry at myself and then angry at my AP but mostly angry at myself. I am just working "to get over this." I want to just focus on my husband and leave all of the rest of it in the past. It IS hard though. Yes, I do feel like a fraud sometimes but I recognize that this kind of thinking, isn't helping anyone. I have to stop judging myself and forgive myself. It's actually funny that I am struggling with this because I am the most forgiving and the least judgmental person when it comes to everyone else but not with myself.

 

Of course you feel like a fraud, because you ARE a fraud. Until your husband knows the truth that is.

 

Your husband is unwittingly living a lie with you. He thinks that you and your marriage is one way, and you know that it is another way, totally something else. You have been betraying him and doing him dirty all this time, only he doesn't know it. You're a double-agent who had this secret life w your AP.

 

This whole "I need to stop judging myself" is a complete lie. You instead need to start cleaning up the mess you made, and come clean to your husband.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Imajerk17

[GoldenR]

Con, I'll ask you the same thing I asked LL:

 

If in 5 years, somehow your H finds out about your A, what then? If you keep course, at that point, your M should be better than ever, bonding with your H as never before. His reaction to finding this out will be that he will feel like these last 5 years of the marriage were a fraud, a sham. He will know in his heart and mind, that you only poured yourself into your M out of guilt, regardless of what you know to be true.

 

How will you handle that?

[QuietDan]

No, I understand how that can be perceived. When I started this thread, I was a person seeking advice on how to stop. I made it known that I was still very much in the affair. Since I posted that I was done, it hasn't been easy. It's hard to come to terms with what I have done and I have been keeping myself busy and distracted. Sometimes, I get really angry. Angry at myself and then angry at my AP but mostly angry at myself. I am just working "to get over this." I want to just focus on my husband and leave all of the rest of it in the past. It IS hard though. Yes, I do feel like a fraud sometimes but I recognize that this kind of thinking, isn't helping anyone. I have to stop judging myself and forgive myself. It's actually funny that I am struggling with this because I am the most forgiving and the least judgmental person when it comes to everyone else but not with myself.

 

Self forgiveness doesn't come easy. Some never find it. It's a bit of a balancing act actually. Learning to differentiate between, Regret, Remorse, and Self Forgiveness, takes intentional effort, awareness, empathy, compassion, knowledge, and growing maturity. It takes a bit of humility to be able to forgive self. How you view all of this... depends on your world view.

I still struggle with self forgiveness.

I still can find the anger with self.

I never did have any anger with my AP.

It was my decision to ignore my responsibility to stay true to my marriage vows. I chose to ignore my responsibility to stay true to my spouse. If I had acted differently, there would have been no affair. There is always a potential to have all sorts of relationships with all sorts of people who are available at all sorts of levels. The problem wasn't with the other person. The problem was with me. If I had been tied up and forced to participate against my will... well maybe in that case anger with another would/could be justified. But, in the case where I was making independent voluntary decision? The blame is fully on my shoulders.

[Quiet Storms]

No, I understand how that can be perceived. When I started this thread, I was a person seeking advice on how to stop. I made it known that I was still very much in the affair. Since I posted that I was done, it hasn't been easy. It's hard to come to terms with what I have done and I have been keeping myself busy and distracted. Sometimes, I get really angry. Angry at myself and then angry at my AP but mostly angry at myself. I am just working "to get over this." I want to just focus on my husband and leave all of the rest of it in the past. It IS hard though. Yes, I do feel like a fraud sometimes but I recognize that this kind of thinking, isn't helping anyone. I have to stop judging myself and forgive myself. It's actually funny that I am struggling with this because I am the most forgiving and the least judgmental person when it comes to everyone else but not with myself.

 

You can't just "get over this". It's going to be part of you for the rest of your life. And part of your marriage.

 

I don't know if you can truly forgive yourself if you are living a lie in your marriage.

[ConInLA]

Self forgiveness doesn't come easy. Some never find it. It's a bit of a balancing act actually. Learning to differentiate between, Regret, Remorse, and Self Forgiveness, takes intentional effort, awareness, empathy, compassion, knowledge, and growing maturity. It takes a bit of humility to be able to forgive self. How you view all of this... depends on your world view.

I still struggle with self forgiveness.

I still can find the anger with self.

I never did have any anger with my AP.

It was my decision to ignore my responsibility to stay true to my marriage vows. I chose to ignore my responsibility to stay true to my spouse. If I had acted differently, there would have been no affair. There is always a potential to have all sorts of relationships with all sorts of people who are available at all sorts of levels. The problem wasn't with the other person. The problem was with me. If I had been tied up and forced to participate against my will... well maybe in that case anger with another would/could be justified. But, in the case where I was making independent voluntary decision? The blame is fully on my shoulders.

This is true, Quiet Dan. I never thought of it this way. I guess I have been angry with him at moments because I wanted him to do something that I couldn't even do: say no. After all, he had prior experience with a family wrecking affair. Angry that he's still expecting to be "friends." With that said, these moments aren't that often. I am mostly angry with myself because I knew better. I disrespected my husband and gave away something that should only be for him, for nothing. That's a hard pill to swallow.

[ConInLA]

You can't just "get over this". It's going to be part of you for the rest of your life. And part of your marriage.

 

I don't know if you can truly forgive yourself if you are living a lie in your marriage.

 

Me either.

[ConInLA]

Of course you feel like a fraud, because you ARE a fraud. Until your husband knows the truth that is.

 

Your husband is unwittingly living a lie with you. He thinks that you and your marriage is one way, and you know that it is another way, totally something else. You have been betraying him and doing him dirty all this time, only he doesn't know it. You're a double-agent who had this secret life w your AP.

 

This whole "I need to stop judging myself" is a complete lie. You instead need to start cleaning up the mess you made, and come clean to your husband.

 

Did you feel better when your partner confessed to you?? Just wondering!!