Lost in Affair

[ConInLA]

Oh how I weep for your husband, why men choose women who are so self-consumed is beyond me. If your affair partner stops ghosting you this topic will have a part 2. The reason you need to stop thinking about your self is because you are selfish. As long as you're thinking about you and not your husband...not your kids you will do what feels, looks, or sounds good to you and only you.

 

Hell you couldn't even take accountability for something you've already admitted in regards to instigating the cheating. You're the victim who chased a single guy ? sure he could have not agreed to entertain the affair but the stranger who didn't make vows to YOUR HUSBAND shouldn't have to be more responsible for your marriage than you are, that's just silly. Good lord. Your family is in my prayers.

 

It's so easy to nit pick one sentence. Most of the questions are about THE AFFAIR, not my husband. In regards to accountability, I got just what I asked for. And I'm not sure what you are talking about with the ghosting, my AP didn't ghost me. That's neither here nor there. Who says I'm not thinking about my husband?

[ConInLA]

Oh how I weep for your husband, why men choose women who are so self-consumed is beyond me. If your affair partner stops ghosting you this topic will have a part 2. The reason you need to stop thinking about your self is because you are selfish. As long as you're thinking about you and not your husband...not your kids you will do what feels, looks, or sounds good to you and only you.

 

Hell you couldn't even take accountability for something you've already admitted in regards to instigating the cheating. You're the victim who chased a single guy ? sure he could have not agreed to entertain the affair but the stranger who didn't make vows to YOUR HUSBAND shouldn't have to be more responsible for your marriage than you are, that's just silly. Good lord. Your family is in my prayers.

 

I honestly think, from everything I've read, that you are just not into your marriage or husband at all. You need your BH to help pay the bills and help you maintain the lifestyle you are accustomed to. You need him to help you care for the kids. Apart from that, I don't see any of the tell-tale descriptions of your husband that would lead me to believe you are sexually attracted to him or love him as a lover.

 

 

You talk about your OM a lot. Much more than you talk about your husband. That is telling, don't you think?

 

 

Why not just ask your husband for an amicable divorce and be single for several years. Sleep with different men, do the dating and clubbing thing, get it out of your system, and then when you no longer find life without the promiscuous sex component boring, find some guy to settle down with?

 

 

I'm not trying to belittle you here. I'm actually being quite serious. I really do think that married life is just not for you. You may not be a monogamist. There are some people who are able to handle the hum-drum nature of marriage, and some just cannot.

 

When I first started this thread, I was so far deep into the "affair fog" it was insane. I have thought about what you are saying though but it isn't true. I love my husband, clearly not as much as he deserves but I do. I could leave if I wanted too. I make enough to be able to survive on my own. With that said, I know life without my husband isn't a life I want to live. I could leave. I don't think some of you understand that. I KNOW my husband, you don't. I know that telling him will turn him into a bitter person, I refuse to do that to another person because you think I should. It helps NOTHING, don't y'all understand that by now. Yes, it is self preservation. He would leave me in a heartbeat and then guess what: now my innocent children are a part of a broken home. Will that make y'all happy then??! Now my husband is angry and never able to trust anyone again. Stop suggesting confession. If it was the best in this situation, I would do it.

[GoldenR]

When I first started this thread, I was so far deep into the "affair fog" it was insane. I have thought about what you are saying though but it isn't true. I love my husband, clearly not as much as he deserves but I do. I could leave if I wanted too. I make enough to be able to survive on my own. With that said, I know life without my husband isn't a life I want to live. I could leave. I don't think some of you understand that. I KNOW my husband, you don't. I know that telling him will turn him into a bitter person, I refuse to do that to another person because you think I should. It helps NOTHING, don't y'all understand that by now. Yes, it is self preservation. He would leave me in a heartbeat and then guess what: now my innocent children are a part of a broken home. Will that make y'all happy then??! Now my husband is angry and never able to trust anyone again. Stop suggesting confession. If it was the best in this situation, I would do it.

 

If you found out your brother's wife was cheating on him, would you tell him?

 

If, 25 years from now, you find out your son's or daughter's spouse is cheating on him/her, would you tell him/her?

[BluesPower]

Guys, she is not going to confess... can't we let it go.

 

Con, I understand. I do hope you can live with the guilt and become a better wife.

 

Keep posting and we will do as much as we can to help...

[ConInLA]

If you found out your brother's wife was cheating on him, would you tell him?

 

If, 25 years from now, you find out your son's or daughter's spouse is cheating on him/her, would you tell him/her?

 

No, I wouldn't. That is not my place. I know someone's going to post: Well, why didn't you think about that in the beginning. I have no clue. I just wasn't thinking about anyone, which is mindboggling now.

[Jersey born raised]

Sorry, but I really don't understand your answer to my question.

[GoldenR]

No, I wouldn't. That is not my place. I know someone's going to post: Well, why didn't you think about that in the beginning. I have no clue. I just wasn't thinking about anyone, which is mindboggling now.

 

I can kind of understand not telling a sibling...but your child? If you really wouldn't let your child know that their spouse is cheating on them, then that really says it all about you if you don't even care about your child's happiness, and you would allow them to live a lie with someone that obviously doesn't love them.

 

I have 4 daughters...you better believe if I ever find out that their husbands are messing around on them, I'd tell them in a heartbeat.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Guys, she is not going to confess... can't we let it go.

 

Con, I understand. I do hope you can live with the guilt and become a better wife.

 

Keep posting and we will do as much as we can to help...

 

There comes a time when a person has to suffer the consequences of their actions. Especially when help is given and they still make bad choices.

 

God helps those who help themselves... you cannot keep asking how did I get here and not accept the answer when it is given to you... just because it is not the answer you don't want to hear.

 

I know you know this....

[ConInLA]

Guys, she is not going to confess... can't we let it go.

 

Con, I understand. I do hope you can live with the guilt and become a better wife.

 

Keep posting and we will do as much as we can to help...

 

BluesPower,

You have always been one of the more helpful posters. It is hard to live with the shame and guilt. I don't even feel like myself. I'm angry. I'm angry with myself and it pretty much spews out at everyone, except my kids and husband. This is a living hell. I feel like no one understands. The worst part is I'm not sure if it will end anytime soon.

[ConInLA]

Sorry, but I really don't understand your answer to my question.

 

Has anyone ever told you a negative quality about yourself?? Whether it be that you are selfish, negative, or a complainer. Well, we all have negative traits. My husband's is that he is an as$ho/3. That's the short way to sum up the male personality, in one word. But clearly, that is just a minor trait because I married him. Happily.

[ConInLA]

I can kind of understand not telling a sibling...but your child? If you really wouldn't let your child know that their spouse is cheating on them, then that really says it all about you if you don't even care about your child's happiness, and you would allow them to live a lie with someone that obviously doesn't love them.

 

I have 4 daughters...you better believe if I ever find out that their husbands are messing around on them, I'd tell them in a heartbeat.

 

I didnt see the child part. More than likely, I would tell my child if I HAD TOO. What I would do, is tell their cheating spouse to confess or I would do it for them.

[GoldenR]

I didnt see the child part. More than likely, I would tell my child if I HAD TOO. What I would do, is tell their cheating spouse to confess or I would do it for them.

 

Ok....that's good.

 

Now, what if they told you that they shouldn't have to tell them bc they don't want to make them bitter and they are protecting the kids?

[Bittersweetie]

I KNOW my husband, you don't. I know that telling him will turn him into a bitter person, I refuse to do that to another person because you think I should. It helps NOTHING, don't y'all understand that by now. Yes, it is self preservation. He would leave me in a heartbeat and then guess what: now my innocent children are a part of a broken home. Will that make y'all happy then??! Now my husband is angry and never able to trust anyone again. Stop suggesting confession. If it was the best in this situation, I would do it.

 

Con, confessing is your choice but I just wanted to share my experience.

 

After my A ended, I was never going to tell my H. Never. He was someone who got very angry quickly. He still had a grudge against his own mother for his parents divorce twenty years prior. I knew that if he found out what I'd done, our relationship would be over. We had no kids, no assets at that time. It would be an easy split.

 

Then I found out I got an STD and told him, this was a few months later. He was understandably angry, upset, devastated. But, over seven years later, we're still together, with a house, a kid, a nest egg. Doing well and happy.

 

I think some of that is because my H decided to work on his own stuff too. He realized his dad had been angry about the divorce until the day he died. My H didn't want to be like that. He realized his mom was only doing what she thought was best at that time. He's got a great relationship with her now. And he looked at our relationship and how he could make it better. We both changed a lot.

 

My point being that I thought I knew my H, after being together over 16 years. But he surprised me. Maybe yours will too. I'm not sure one can ever truly know in these kind of situations what one will do until it actually happens. GL.

[ConInLA]

There comes a time when a person has to suffer the consequences of their actions. Especially when help is given and they still make bad choices.

 

God helps those who help themselves... you cannot keep asking how did I get here and not accept the answer when it is given to you... just because it is not the answer you don't want to hear.

 

I know you know this....

 

I don't get what you mean?? I do understand why I am here, I had an affair.

[QuietDan]

BluesPower,

You have always been one of the more helpful posters. It is hard to live with the shame and guilt. I don't even feel like myself. I'm angry. I'm angry with myself and it pretty much spews out at everyone, except my kids and husband. This is a living hell. I feel like no one understands. The worst part is I'm not sure if it will end anytime soon.

Does it affect your relationship with your husband in other ways? In order to avoid angry outbursts or being overwhelmed with guilt do you avoid being affectionate?

Have you become withdrawn in anyway?

Are you able to convincingly pretend to be all there fully engaged happy and content? Do you struggle with feeling contaminated and not good enough? Your statement about feeling embarrassed for your husband is very interesting. Has your husband noticed any changes in you throughout all of this?

[Mrs. John Adams]

How did I get here... ? Not here on loveshack... here where I am emotionally.

 

How did I let this happen? How do I move on from here? How can I heal? How can I improve myself? What can I do to make my life better? How do I make sure this never happens again? How should I handle this? What can I do to heal my marriage? How do I stay away from my other man? What will happen to my children?

 

There are a zillion questions that you do not have the answers to in your own mind. And I assume you came to loveshack to search for answers to those questions.

 

But until you are honest with yourself... and ready to hear the answers people give you... you are combative and not listening. You see ... you don't really want to hear the answers yet. You will eventually get there... but you are not there yet..

 

and until you are truly open to advice that you disagree with... I don't mean you have to agree but you have to be open to listening to those answers.

 

Yes you have to do things your way.. but do you understand that your way might not be the best way. None of us here can tell you what to do.... all we can do is tell you what we did... what worked ... what did not work...what might have worked better.

 

I made a ton of mistakes... I did not have all the answers and I am still learning.

 

I offer to you this advice

 

See an infidelity therapist

 

Read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald

 

See a lawyer to find out all of your legal rights

 

Become completely transparent to your husband ... give him access to all of your passwords and accounts

 

And be totally and completely accountable for your actions

 

Draw up strict boundaries

 

Block your ap from accessing you in any way

 

I know you don't want to confess...but you can still do all these things without confessing....

 

And one more very important thing

 

Answer this question to yourself not to us

 

Why do I want to save my marriage?

 

If the answer involves children or money or fear... it's the wrong answer

Because this will be the hardest thing you have ever done... and you will have to be completely committed to saving it.

[DKT3]

When I first started this thread, I was so far deep into the "affair fog" it was insane. I have thought about what you are saying though but it isn't true. I love my husband, clearly not as much as he deserves but I do. I could leave if I wanted too. I make enough to be able to survive on my own. With that said, I know life without my husband isn't a life I want to live. I could leave. I don't think some of you understand that. I KNOW my husband, you don't. I know that telling him will turn him into a bitter person, I refuse to do that to another person because you think I should. It helps NOTHING, don't y'all understand that by now. Yes, it is self preservation. He would leave me in a heartbeat and then guess what: now my innocent children are a part of a broken home. Will that make y'all happy then??! Now my husband is angry and never able to trust anyone again. Stop suggesting confession. If it was the best in this situation, I would do it.

 

Yet, none of this was important enough to you to prevent​ the affair?

[ConInLA]

Does it affect your relationship with your husband in other ways? In order to avoid angry outbursts or being overwhelmed with guilt do you avoid being affectionate?

Have you become withdrawn in anyway?

Are you able to convincingly pretend to be all there fully engaged happy and content? Do you struggle with feeling contaminated and not good enough? Your statement about feeling embarrassed for your husband is very interesting. Has your husband noticed any changes in you throughout all of this?

 

I am able to be affectionate with my husband BUT I feel like a liar while doing so. I told bluespower, that I really am mourning the purity of my marriage. I find the word contaminated to be perfect, I couldn't put it into words. Yes, I feel contaminated. I feel like my marriage is contaminated. It's hard to be affectionate when you have such emotions running through your mind but I still am affectionate. Yes, my husband has noticed a change. I'm not quite myself but I think he contributes it to my career and life stresses. Yes, I am able to pretend. I hate that I have to do that though. It's no way to live.

[ConInLA]

Yet, none of this was important enough to you to prevent​ the affair?

 

No, it didn't even cross my mind. Looking back, I have no effing clue what I was thinking.

[QuietDan]

Usually affairs take time, effort, energy to get started and keep going. Where did that time come from? What did you put less time and energy into ib order to have the affair? What area's of your life were affected by this affair?

[drifter777]

As I've said before, I applaud your decision to spare your husband the horrible, unforgettable knowledge of your cheating. The people who say that a marriage cannot be built on a lie are quoting some naive fantasy world where everyone tells all of the truth all of the time. Such a world does not exist and, I would say, never has and never will. People lie; they pick and choose what truths they share; they rationalize lying all the time.

 

I do believe there are consequences for our actions, but I do not equate "consequences" with "punishment". The consequences of your choice to have an affair are likely to be many and varied. So far you have experienced the thrill of being desired & pursued by another man, the delicious forbidden fruit of sex with another man, the pain of losing all that, the emptiness of realizing that your "love affair" wasn't that at all, and now the guilt for your selfish, dishonest behavior. All of these things are some of your consequences. For you to unburden yourself in hopes of reducing the pain you feel now would be cowardly.

 

I'm not sure why you are still posting here since you seem to have decided on your path and believe strongly it is the right one for you. What are you looking for from us?

[ConInLA]

How did I get here... ? Not here on loveshack... here where I am emotionally.

 

How did I let this happen? How do I move on from here? How can I heal? How can I improve myself? What can I do to make my life better? How do I make sure this never happens again? How should I handle this? What can I do to heal my marriage? How do I stay away from my other man? What will happen to my children?

 

There are a zillion questions that you do not have the answers to in your own mind. And I assume you came to loveshack to search for answers to those questions.

 

But until you are honest with yourself... and ready to hear the answers people give you... you are combative and not listening. You see ... you don't really want to hear the answers yet. You will eventually get there... but you are not there yet..

 

and until you are truly open to advice that you disagree with... I don't mean you have to agree but you have to be open to listening to those answers.

 

Yes you have to do things your way.. but do you understand that your way might not be the best way. None of us here can tell you what to do.... all we can do is tell you what we did... what worked ... what did not work...what might have worked better.

 

I made a ton of mistakes... I did not have all the answers and I am still learning.

 

I offer to you this advice

 

See an infidelity therapist

 

Read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald

 

See a lawyer to find out all of your legal rights

 

Become completely transparent to your husband ... give him access to all of your passwords and accounts

 

And be totally and completely accountable for your actions

 

Draw up strict boundaries

 

Block your ap from accessing you in any way

 

I know you don't want to confess...but you can still do all these things without confessing....

 

And one more very important thing

 

Answer this question to yourself not to us

 

Why do I want to save my marriage?

 

If the answer involves children or money or fear... it's the wrong answer

Because this will be the hardest thing you have ever done... and you will have to be completely committed to saving it.

 

I would love the answers to those questions, but I know that only I know the real answers to them. As far as the last question, it's easy and I have already considered it. I want to save my marriage because I love my husband. He's my best friend. Looking back, there wasn't anything wrong with my marriage in the first place. Yes, I can do all of those things. Also, believe me, I would love to confess.Confession, is the best way. I agree with that, I never said it wasn't. If I thought that my husband would forgive me, I would. Not confessing, is proving to be hard. I feel as by keeping this secret, I am living a lie and that is a living hell.

[DKT3]

No, it didn't even cross my mind. Looking back, I have no effing clue what I was thinking.

 

I do, exactly what your thoughts are on now, yourself.

 

Unlike Blue, I do believe you will be telling your husband, but I suppose you will try to live with the guilt....Until you can't.

 

For the record, confession isn't going to break your family, you screwing around did that. You're simply on borrowed time.

[drifter777]

As I've said before, I applaud your decision to spare your husband the horrible, unforgettable knowledge of your cheating. The people who say that a marriage cannot be built on a lie are quoting some naive fantasy world where everyone tells all of the truth all of the time. Such a world does not exist and, I would say, never has and never will. People lie; they pick and choose what truths they share; they rationalize lying all the time.

 

I do believe there are consequences for our actions, but I do not equate "consequences" with "punishment". The consequences of your choice to have an affair are likely to be many and varied. So far you have experienced the thrill of being desired & pursued by another man, the delicious forbidden fruit of sex with another man, the pain of losing all that, the emptiness of realizing that your "love affair" wasn't that at all, and now the guilt for your selfish, dishonest behavior. All of these things are some of your consequences. For you to unburden yourself in hopes of reducing the pain you feel now would be cowardly.

 

I'm not sure why you are still posting here since you seem to have decided on your path and believe strongly it is the right one for you. What are you looking for from us?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I would love the answers to those questions, but I know that only I know the real answers to them. As far as the last question, it's easy and I have already considered it. I want to save my marriage because I love my husband. He's my best friend. Looking back, there wasn't anything wrong with my marriage in the first place. Yes, I can do all of those things. Also, believe me, I would love to confess.Confession, is the best way. I agree with that, I never said it wasn't. If I thought that my husband would forgive me, I would. Not confessing, is proving to be hard. I feel as by keeping this secret, I am living a lie and that is a living hell.

 

You did not ask your husband if it was ok to screw another man

 

Now you won't give him the choice on whether or not to allow you to remain his wife.

 

When does he finally get to choose what's best for HIM?

 

You are making choices for him .. but are those choices in his best interest or yours?

 

Are you prepared to live this lie the rest of your life?

And what happens if he finds out 5 years from now by someone else?

 

You are making decisions that affects everyone in your family without asking their opinion.

 

You may think this is best... but why? Was it best to cheat? Of course it wasn't.

 

Obviously your decisions and choices are not the best.