Lost in Affair

[ConInLA]

As I've said before, I applaud your decision to spare your husband the horrible, unforgettable knowledge of your cheating. The people who say that a marriage cannot be built on a lie are quoting some naive fantasy world where everyone tells all of the truth all of the time. Such a world does not exist and, I would say, never has and never will. People lie; they pick and choose what truths they share; they rationalize lying all the time.

 

I do believe there are consequences for our actions, but I do not equate "consequences" with "punishment". The consequences of your choice to have an affair are likely to be many and varied. So far you have experienced the thrill of being desired & pursued by another man, the delicious forbidden fruit of sex with another man, the pain of losing all that, the emptiness of realizing that your "love affair" wasn't that at all, and now the guilt for your selfish, dishonest behavior. All of these things are some of your consequences. For you to unburden yourself in hopes of reducing the pain you feel now would be cowardly.

 

I'm not sure why you are still posting here since you seem to have decided on your path and believe strongly it is the right one for you. What are you looking for from us?

 

You're right. I think I can bow out of this discussion now. It's too much back and forth over something that I have pretty much decided on. I was trying to respond to every poster but at this point, it's overkill.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Good luck to you

[Zenstudent]

If drifter and you have got it right, that no one gets hurt if your affair doesn't ever see the light of day - why not just continue cheating on him? Make sure you don't get discovered, all is good - everybody wins, yes?

[Life lessons]

If drifter and you have got it right, that no one gets hurt if your affair doesn't ever see the light of day - why not just continue cheating on him? Make sure you don't get discovered, all is good - everybody wins, yes?

 

I thinks she's referring to the here and now. Of course the longer it goes on, the more mistakes there are going to be. As time goes on, people get careless and when that happens, there's a good chance she would then get caught. Not to mention she wants to work on her marriage and now realizes she made a huge mistake....sorry choice.

[DKT3]

I thinks she's referring to the here and now. Of course the longer it goes on, the more mistakes there are going to be. As time goes on, people get careless and when that happens, there's a good chance she would then get caught. Not to mention she wants to work on her marriage and now realizes she made a huge mistake....sorry choice.

 

It's all the same mindset. Let's say a guy was robbing banks then decided it was too risky and started robbing convenience stores , does that make him less of a thief?

 

Both you and Con stopped sleeping around but your mindset remains the same, doing what's best for YOU as YOU see it. Just like your affair, you are making a unilateral decision concerning your husband's best interest...I'm sorry but that isn't really love, that's not striving to be more. Almost as bad as the affair, you are holding your husband hostage in a one sided marriage that you've openly admitted he wouldn't choose for himself...Where is the love in that?

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's all the same mindset. Let's say a guy was robbing banks then decided it was too risky and started robbing convenience stores , does that make him less of a thief?

 

Both you and Con stopped sleeping around but your mindset remains the same, doing what's best for YOU as YOU see it. Just like your affair, you are making a unilateral decision concerning your husband's best interest...I'm sorry but that isn't really love, that's not striving to be more. Almost as bad as the affair, you are holding your husband hostage in a one sided marriage that you've openly admitted he wouldn't choose for himself...Where is the love in that?

 

The same selfish behavior that allowed you to cheat in the first place continues to allow you to not confess

 

This is not about telling the betrayed spouse because you have their best interest at heart

 

This is about continuing to be a selfish narcissistic cheating spouse... period

 

Drifter can say he wishes he did not know because he is miserable and feels trapped in his marriage... his advice is based on his own sadness and disappointment rather than what is truly the best way to heal a relationship.

 

He has an unremorseful wife... if his wife had been remorseful would he be Giving this same advice? I doubt it

[drifter777]

Drifter can say he wishes he did not know because he is miserable and feels trapped in his marriage... his advice is based on his own sadness and disappointment rather than what is truly the best way to heal a relationship.

 

He has an unremorseful wife... if his wife had been remorseful would he be Giving this same advice? I doubt it

 

This is not true. I wish I didn't know because of the pain it has caused me - simple.

 

It astonishes me that anyone would WANT to know about their spouse cheating if it was at all possible to keep from them. I mean, why would you want to be aware of something so painful?

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is not true. I wish I didn't know because of the pain it has caused me - simple.

 

It astonishes me that anyone would WANT to know about their spouse cheating if it was at all possible to keep from them. I mean, why would you want to be aware of something so painful?

 

So you truly would not want to know she screwed around on you? You would just want to live your life without knowing....without being in control...without making your own decisions regarding your life?

 

So if you have cancer...do you not want the doctor to tell you that you are dying?

 

Drifter...if this is truly how you feel...then i stand corrected....if you would not want to know to spare yourself the pain of knowing....then i am terribly wrong.

 

My husband would want to know....and while his pain is horrible....he would not want to undo my confession.

 

He would certainly undo my affair...but not the fact that i confessed and gave him the choice to stay or leave.

[GoldenR]

This is not true. I wish I didn't know because of the pain it has caused me - simple.

 

It astonishes me that anyone would WANT to know about their spouse cheating if it was at all possible to keep from them. I mean, why would you want to be aware of something so painful?

 

So I could find someone that actually loved me. And I did.

[drifter777]

So you truly would not want to know she screwed around on you? You would just want to live your life without knowing....without being in control...without making your own decisions regarding your life?

 

So if you have cancer...do you not want the doctor to tell you that you are dying?

 

Drifter...if this is truly how you feel...then i stand corrected....if you would not want to know to spare yourself the pain of knowing....then i am terribly wrong.

 

My husband would want to know....and while his pain is horrible....he would not want to undo my confession.

 

He would certainly undo my affair...but not the fact that i confessed and gave him the choice to stay or leave.

 

Yes, this is truly how I feel. Why can't different people have differing views on this? I cannot be "wrong" because this is my opinion. And you know the cancer comparison isn't rational. There is a chance that treatment could heal cancer...nothing can make my wife unfu(k those guys.

 

To me there is no difference between not knowing and not happening. If I don't know something occurred than it didn't occur. It's like which side of the old "if a tree falls..." argument you are on. If no one hears it then it didn't make a sound as I define sound. If I never knew about her cheating then it simply didn't happen in my reality.

[MikeM 1028]

I wanted to know if the baby was mine. When she was born, I had a feeling she was not. I couldn't live that, always wondering. It's obvious now in 6 months, she looks like him and my WW. Regardless of the A child, I want to know so that way I can deal with the pain/ betrayal head on instead of her treating me the way she did, without sincerity/ care or compassion. Who'd want to live that lie??? Not me.

 

Chances are, R could have been possible, as it is with a lot of couples. At least you'd have hopefully dealt with the issues that allowed the WS to believe it was ok to have the A.

Edited March 22, 2017 by MikeM 1028

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes, this is truly how I feel. Why can't different people have differing views on this? I cannot be "wrong" because this is my opinion. And you know the cancer comparison isn't rational. There is a chance that treatment could heal cancer...nothing can make my wife unfu(k those guys.

 

To me there is no difference between not knowing and not happening. If I don't know something occurred than it didn't occur. It's like which side of the old "if a tree falls..." argument you are on. If no one hears it then it didn't make a sound as I define sound. If I never knew about her cheating then it simply didn't happen in my reality.

 

Drifter...i am not saying you are wrong....that's how you feel so it cannot be wrong. But it is AFTER the fact. you already know. You say you would not want to know...because you did not get your happily ever after....your wife did not give you remorse...she did not help you to heal...and instead...the reality is...you wish you had divorced her but you stayed out of obligation...in spite of her cheating. So now ...you wish you just did not know.....but if it had turned out differently...would you still say the same thing?

 

Don't you think other husbands and wives have the right to make that decision for themselves? You have every right to come on these forums and tell people you wish you did not know....you wish you could live your life in ignorant bliss pretending that you have the perfect faithful wife. But it is not necessarily the right answer for others. I have tried my best to address these waywards wives with the best advice i can give them...but i also tell them i don't have all the answers...and that they must make their decisions based on what is right for them....but i also want them to know that they already made a choice for their spouse ...and it is now fair to let their spouse make a decision for themselves based on truth....not a lie

 

No my friend...Your wife cannot unscrew her lover....and nothing can undo that for you. But she can help you to heal....just like the doctor can offer a treatment that might heal you. She chooses to allow you to continue in constant pain....that's her choice...and you could have at any time divorced her and found someone else to love you. You stayed....even as sad as you are you chose to stay.

 

How do we know that this womans husband...would not do the same? How do we know what his choice would be if no one tells him?

 

What is fair and best for him? not her....HIM

[drifter777]

Drifter...i am not saying you are wrong....that's how you feel so it cannot be wrong. But it is AFTER the fact. you already know. You say you would not want to know...because you did not get your happily ever after....your wife did not give you remorse...she did not help you to heal...and instead...the reality is...you wish you had divorced her but you stayed out of obligation...in spite of her cheating. So now ...you wish you just did not know.....but if it had turned out differently...would you still say the same thing?

 

Don't you think other husbands and wives have the right to make that decision for themselves? You have every right to come on these forums and tell people you wish you did not know....you wish you could live your life in ignorant bliss pretending that you have the perfect faithful wife. But it is not necessarily the right answer for others. I have tried my best to address these waywards wives with the best advice i can give them...but i also tell them i don't have all the answers...and that they must make their decisions based on what is right for them....but i also want them to know that they already made a choice for their spouse ...and it is now fair to let their spouse make a decision for themselves based on truth....not a lie

 

No my friend...Your wife cannot unscrew her lover....and nothing can undo that for you. But she can help you to heal....just like the doctor can offer a treatment that might heal you. She chooses to allow you to continue in constant pain....that's her choice...and you could have at any time divorced her and found someone else to love you. You stayed....even as sad as you are you chose to stay.

 

How do we know that this womans husband...would not do the same? How do we know what his choice would be if no one tells him?

 

What is fair and best for him? not her....HIM

 

Why is it when I advise against a WW telling her BH that it is somehow "wrong" of me? Like you are free to share your experience and advice but I am not because you don't agree with me? Not really fair is it?

 

In each of these stories you don't know the BH any more than I do - but I do have a better idea of what he's going to feel like when he finds out about his WW cheating. Being spared that pain is an act of mercy.

[GoldenR]

We're exact opposites, Drifter. For me, I wish I had known the exact minute it happened, so I could have moved on with my life that much quicker.

 

Did it hurt? Hell yeah, it hurt. For a good, long while. And then I met someone, and it lessened. And while my guard was up due to my past, it eventually broke down and I fell for her as she fell for me. And the hurt disappeared more each day. And I'm happier now than ever.

 

Being hurt doesn't mean you can't have your happily ever after, it just means you may have to find it with someone else if it's no longer available with the one that hurt you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why is it when I advise against a WW telling her BH that it is somehow "wrong" of me? Like you are free to share your experience and advice but I am not because you don't agree with me? Not really fair is it?

 

In each of these stories you don't know the BH any more than I do - but I do have a better idea of what he's going to feel like when he finds out about his WW cheating. Being spared that pain is an act of mercy.

 

I am not saying you are wrong...and i am not saying you should not say what you think...but i do think explaining why you think this is important for others to hear. I fear that when you make statements that the waywards should not tell that are already leaning toward this decision....and you don't explain why.... might validate to them that their decision is the right one....and while it very well might be....most therapists...most betrayed...most books...recommend confession.... so secrecy is indeed the rare recommendation

 

You forget drifter...I am a wayward and a betrayed...so yes I have some idea of how it feels on BOTH sides of this coin....and so does John.

 

Let me ask you this Drifter....I don't remember in your story if your wife confessed or if you found out about her affair. But let's say that she confessed...and now 30 years later you regret that she told you because it would have spared you the pain.

 

Now lets say...she did not confess...and you discovered her affair. which one would have been better? Her telling you or your finding out? and let me also ask this ....would either way have made a difference in your decision to stay...or her decision to not help you heal?

 

In your case...I don't think it would have mattered....the outcome would have been the same. 30 years of resentment and pain....and this my friend has been your choice.

[Quiet Storms]

30 years of resentment and pain....and this my friend has been your choice.

 

Life isn't over, 777. You don't have to live another day like this if you don't choose. You only have one life. You can choose happiness for yourself, and you deserve that.

 

Of all the people on this forum, you are one of the ones my heart hurts for the most.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Life isn't over, 777. You don't have to live another day like this if you don't choose. You only have one life. You can choose happiness for yourself, and you deserve that.

 

Of all the people on this forum, you are one of the ones my heart hurts for the most.

 

yes and also aliveagain......i have those that truly break my heart

[Quiet Storms]

yes and also aliveagain......i have those that truly break my heart

 

Yes

 

10 characters

Edited March 23, 2017 by Quiet Storms

[CheshireCat90]

When I first started this thread, I was so far deep into the "affair fog" it was insane. I have thought about what you are saying though but it isn't true. I love my husband, clearly not as much as he deserves but I do. I could leave if I wanted too. I make enough to be able to survive on my own. With that said, I know life without my husband isn't a life I want to live. I could leave. I don't think some of you understand that. I KNOW my husband, you don't. I know that telling him will turn him into a bitter person, I refuse to do that to another person because you think I should. It helps NOTHING, don't y'all understand that by now. Yes, it is self preservation. He would leave me in a heartbeat and then guess what: now my innocent children are a part of a broken home. Will that make y'all happy then??! Now my husband is angry and never able to trust anyone again. Stop suggesting confession. If it was the best in this situation, I would do it.

 

I respect you for this comment more than anything else I've read today it's honest but again reinforces just how self-centered you are . Your kids matter after you've had your fun and are in a position to pay for the repercussions of your poor decision making . Somehow they and your husband didn't matter when you were having fun with your affair partner though .

 

Nobody can make you tell him and it's your relationship , you are not a good person honey, you are not thinking of what's best for your family you are doing what's easy . If that's who you are then own it , but please stop lying to us or yourself that somehow you are a good person who made a mistake and are preserving the people who matter in your life.

 

You are selfish , you did something selfish , you don't deserve your husband , you failed your children , and I hope in my heart of hearts you figure out how to actually be a good wife ( not just tell yourself you are one) and good mother but unfortunately your husband didn't pick a great woman either so part of the blame is on him .

[oldlion]

I have, probably to most here, a different view to the ideal of confess, confess, confess. You know your husband better than anyone here and you sound positive about what he would do if he found out about your affair. I am a believer that our decisions dictates our life and once the decisions are made we have to live with them, good or bad. There are many confessions made simply to relieve the guilt of the confessor. To me this is selfish. There are confessions that will hurt the person being confessed to as much, if not more, than the confessor. To confess something to someone that would destroy their life requires some deep soul searching. Many will say that the husband has a right to know. You say that your husband would leave you immediately if he knew. If I already knew the outcome and it was horrible, I would keep my destroying confession to myself. I had two careers in 45 years. Both had violence and danger (military and criminal containment). There are things about my life, both professional and personal, I will take to my grave because they have the potential of harming and hurting others. Some of these still bother me today. I have told my wife many of these things but some will never pass my lips. You need someone to tell your fears, hurts and stupid decisions to. I think the woman I love more than life itself, has a secret she has never told me. That secret would be about 40 years old now. And to be honest, I don't want to know because I have a wonderful marriage that has lasted longer than the secret. So, you can live with your secret or you can blow your world up. If he ever finds out he may think his whole marriage has been a lie. That depends on the person and how mentally and emotional strong and confident in themselves they are. I don't think my marriage has been a lie. People on here give really good advice because they have lived what they are advising about. But some advice doesn't work for everyone. But not confessing also carries a requirement to never do the wrong again and put all your heart and soul into being the wife and mother that you should have been in the first place. Otherwise it's a waste and you need to tell the secret. I wish you well.

Edited March 23, 2017 by oldlion

[harrybrown]

No... unfortunately the friendship is out the window.

 

I think that it is a good thing that the OM is not still friends.

 

Never was a good friend of your H.

Edited March 23, 2017 by harrybrown
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[drifter777]

Life isn't over, 777. You don't have to live another day like this if you don't choose. You only have one life. You can choose happiness for yourself, and you deserve that.

 

Of all the people on this forum, you are one of the ones my heart hurts for the most.

 

First, don't feel sorry for me. My original sin - staying after d-day - is all on me. I never sought professional counseling for help to work thought things. Hell, I never told a soul about her cheating because I was ashamed of her for what she did and ashamed of myself for not leaving a cheating wife.

 

I stay now because we became legal guardians of our now 7 year-old grandson. He's had enough damage done to him by being abandoned by his parents and I will do everything I can to help repair that damage and give him the solid foundation of love that kids need.

[Quiet Storms]

First, don't feel sorry for me. My original sin - staying after d-day - is all on me. I never sought professional counseling for help to work thought things. Hell, I never told a soul about her cheating because I was ashamed of her for what she did and ashamed of myself for not leaving a cheating wife.

 

I stay now because we became legal guardians of our now 7 year-old grandson. He's had enough damage done to him by being abandoned by his parents and I will do everything I can to help repair that damage and give him the solid foundation of love that kids need.

 

I am well aware of your story - your grandson, and why you stay.

 

I just refuse to believe that you can't give this child the solid foundation of love that kids need, and still do what you need to do for YOU. He doesn't need you to be unhappily married for him. He needs you to be whole, fulfilled, and happy -- whatever that takes. That is an important lesson to leave with your kids/grandkids. I hope someday you will come to realize that.

[ConInLA]

I haven't updated this thread in awhile, so I figured I would now. Contrary to my earlier refusal, I did end up confessing to my husband that I had an affair. I realized that by keeping this secret, every moment that me and my BS had in the future would be built upon a lie. Meaning that I would never know if my intentions were pure in my marriage. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn't live with that and I didn't want him too either. I had done enough choosing for him and I decided that I wouldn't be that person anymore. Honestly, I was never that person. I truly became the worst version of myself while engaging in this affair. I currently am in the stage of self-reflection and major embarrassment about the situation. I cheapened myself for a few romps in the sack with a single man. I cheapened my marriage by allowing another man to participate in acts that only my husband should have been allowed to have. It hasn't been easy but my husband has chosen to forgive me. It has only been around two weeks so I'm not sure what stage we are in but we are trying to get through this. There hasn't been much arguing, just a sense of shock on his part. Also, questions and comments here and there about my prior actions. I know he's hurt and that hurts me. With that said, I really am surprised he decided to forgive me. I didn't think he would and it caused me to really spin out of control the weeks leading up to my confession. I'm humbled by his forgiveness. Some may see it as weakness but I see it as a gift. A gift that he didn't have to give.

I had to update because of the slim chance that someone comes to my thread BEFORE they begin an affair, they should know that it doesn't lead anywhere good. They should know that what seems like fun now, will lead to pure hell in a few months for mainly everyone involved! They should know that the affair will trigger them in ways that they never even imagined. Most importantly, they should know that this act is not an act that someone with self-respect and integrity partakes in. It just isn't right and the main indicator that something isn't right is when it is of a secretive nature. Just don't do it! The hurt that you will cause your spouse isn't worth it. The hurt that you cause yourself isn't worth it. My affair was one of the worst decisions of my life. I wish that I could go back and take it away but I can't.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am happy to read your update but i would like to correct something you said.

 

Your husband has chosen to give you another chance...he has given you the gift of reconciliation.

 

He has not forgiven you....because forgiveness is a process....he is working toward that and eventually he may indeed be able to forgive you.

 

You are two weeks into your reconciliation...take it one day at a time...and dont expect too much. It takes time and work and lots of love and patience. He is still in shock and will remain so for a while. He has many stages of grief to go through... be there for him with complete honesty.

 

I wish you the very best of luck and i really am proud of you for confessing...I know it was hard and scary...but it was the right thing to do.