Lost in Affair

[drifter777]

There is a "The Other Man / Woman" forum her at LS that I think is a better place for you to post. There are lots of betrayed spouses on her who really don't appreciate your "it's so hard to stay away from AP" tale of woe. It simply disgusts many of us...

[Jersey born raised]

Ronni W gave you a link did you check it out? If you want to save the marriage what lit are you reading? Do you really think you think confession means one morning say "bye the way I made a big oops, sorry about that?

 

For example:

 

what is gaslighting and why is it so destructive?

 

What is trickle Truth and why is it so destructive?

 

What are triggers? How do I help him cope with them?

 

What are mind movies?

 

What is a timeline and why is it important?

 

Who else should you confess to before hand and afterwards. (trick question think about it)

 

What will you do when he looks at his childen, then looks at you and you see the question in his eye?

[twosadthings]

Yes what you did and are still doing is the result of selfishness and entitlement. I am amazed how people think they have the right to 100% satisfaction in their lives and unless they fill that missing ten or fifteen percent they can't be happy. The way to look at your situation is that you found the missing piece but now you may pay for it by losing 100% of a man you say you love and 50% of your time with your children.

 

Cheaters are continually asked by their betrayed spouses why did you do it, did you think about me when you were doing it? The question I would want to ask a cheater is was it worth it?

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[harrybrown]

how would you feel if your H was having an A and possibly giving you stds?

 

Have you used protection?

 

The OM may not be using protection with his many other partners.

 

They usually do not.

 

But do think about your H having an A just like you.

 

How would you like it?

 

If it does not bother you, then tell him and file for D.

[ConInLA]

 

Cheaters are continually asked by their betrayed spouses why did you do it, did you think about me when you were doing it? The question I would want to ask a cheater is was it worth it?

 

Nope, I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself honestly.

[ConInLA]

 

How would you like it?

 

If it does not bother you, then tell him and file for D.

 

Sometimes, I think upon this question and I honestly don't think at this point that I would care that much to feel the need to divorce him over it.

[BaileyB]

Sometimes, I think upon this question and I honestly don't think at this point that I would care that much to feel the need to divorce him over it.

 

Have you seen a doctor? It's good that you are seeing a counsellor... Your responses really make me think that you may be suffering from depression. Either you don't love your husband as you say and you are miserable in your marriage, or perhaps you are suffering from undiagnosed depression.

 

You really need to get an understanding of how you are feeling and why you have made this decision.

Edited February 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[ConInLA]

Have you seen a doctor? It's good that you are seeing a counsellor... Your responses really make me think that you may be suffering from depression. Either you don't love your husband as you say and you are miserable in your marriage, or perhaps you are suffering from undiagnosed depression.

 

I will be starting therapy next week. I do love him and I know 100% I will never love anyone the way I love him. It's just that there are times where I feel like maybe I not a person meant to be in a relationship. I quite possibly, am just meant to be alone. If me and my husband do divorce, I have no desire to ever connect with anyone on this level again. It is not a responsiblity that I want and/or can handle.

[BuddyX]

One thing that I could not get over with my ExW affairs was the unknown. I was never sure if she thought about me or the OM when we were intimate. It Fu€ked with my mind.

 

A female friend told me, it doesn't work like that. Women usually don't fantasize about the OM in the middle of the deed. But I just couldn't get over it.

 

Just remember reconciliation and recovery. Those are two separate things. And oh yeah, the anger. That is triggered by anything. Anger will stay with your H for a long time.

[BaileyB]

I will be starting therapy next week. I do love him and I know 100% I will never love anyone the way I love him. It's just that there are times where I feel like maybe I not a person meant to be in a relationship. I quite possibly, am just meant to be alone. If me and my husband do divorce, I have no desire to ever connect with anyone on this level again. It is not a responsiblity that I want and/or can handle.

 

Possibly. And there is nothing wrong with living alone. I would be the last person to tell you that you need to be in a relationship to be happy. But, when you say that you have no desire to connect with another person on this level again... there is something to that and it may well be depression.

 

Do you have other close relationships, with family and friends?

Do you have other things in life that bring you joy - or have you lost interest and feel apathetic towards work and/or other interests?

[ConInLA]

Possibly. And there is nothing wrong with living alone. I would be the last person to tell you that you need to be in a relationship to be happy. But, when you say that you have no desire to connect with another person on this level again... there is something to that and it may well be depression.

 

Do you have other close relationships, with family and friends?

Do you have other things in life that bring you joy - or have you lost interest and feel apathetic towards work and/or other interests?

 

Really, the only people that bring me joy are my kids. I feel so fake talking to people lately. I'm just always thinking how they have no clue the person that I really am and what I am going through. Also, the most frustrating part of this is that the things that I used to love to do no longer interest or fulfill me. I have never been a person to wallow in anything though. I just put a smile on and keep pushing. After all, these feelings are completely self inflicted.

[ConInLA]

One thing that I could not get over with my ExW affairs was the unknown. I was never sure if she thought about me or the OM when we were intimate. It Fu€ked with my mind.

 

A female friend told me, it doesn't work like that. Women usually don't fantasize about the OM in the middle of the deed. But I just couldn't get over it.

 

Just remember reconciliation and recovery. Those are two separate things. And oh yeah, the anger. That is triggered by anything. Anger will stay with your H for a long time.

 

You may briefly think of them, but it is quickly pushed out of your head as fast as it came.

[BaileyB]

Really, the only people that bring me joy are my kids. I feel so fake talking to people lately. I'm just always thinking how they have no clue the person that I really am and what I am going through. Also, the most frustrating part of this is that the things that I used to love to do no longer interest or fulfill me. I have never been a person to wallow in anything though. I just put a smile on and keep pushing. After all, these feelings are completely self inflicted.

 

I'm glad you have an appointment with a counsellor.

 

I think, there is guilt from the affair. But, you sound very much like my dear friend (who also felt like something was missing, had an affair, and blew up her life). She was massively depressed and she became suicidal. Thankfully, she is doing much better now, but she had to deal with reality and find out what was missing in her that caused her to make some very self destructive decisions. She told her spouse and made some serious changes in her life.

 

I hope the counsellor can help you to get there. Because, where you are right now must be a very sad and lonely place. Take care.

Edited February 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[GoldenR]

If you're hell-bent on not letting your H know, so that way HE can decide if he wants to stay with you, then my advice is to just divorce him. Give him the chance to find a wife that will treat him with love, respect and loyalty.

 

You currently are not a good wife, and you never will be as long as you are not allowing him to make an informed decision regarding the true state of his marriage.

[Bryanp]

Just curious but how would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was betraying you behind your back with another woman and putting your health at risk for STD's?

[ConInLA]

Just curious but how would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband was betraying you behind your back with another woman and putting your health at risk for STD's?

 

Well, Of course no one wants the STDs part but in regards to the cheating part I would feel indifference. Mainly, because I am an adult and I don't expect anyone to be perfect.

[Dub]

Honestly if you would feel indifferent about your husband cheating you probably don't love the bloke and you should just divorce him and be with your AP you are praising so much, let him find someone else who cares

[ConInLA]

Honestly if you would feel indifferent about your husband cheating you probably don't love the bloke and you should just divorce him and be with your AP you are praising so much, let him find someone else who cares

 

I definitely don't love my AP and I haven't praised him once. He is a manipulative & untrustworthy human being. Indifference may have been the wrong word choice. What I am basically saying is, I wouldn't feel the need to act like it's the END OF THE WORLD as some people do. I think it's time we evolve as humans and stop putting so much unrealistic pressure on each other. Sometimes we make mistakes. And no, this isn't me letting myself off the hook.

[GoldenR]

I definitely don't love my AP and I haven't praised him once. He is a manipulative & untrustworthy human being. Indifference may have been the wrong word choice. What I am basically saying is, I wouldn't feel the need to act like it's the END OF THE WORLD as some people do. I think it's time we evolve as humans and stop putting so much unrealistic pressure on each other. Sometimes we make mistakes. And no, this isn't me letting myself off the hook.

 

If that's how you really feel, then put your money where your mouth is and confess to your H.

[Dub]

Hi all,

Sometimes I wonder why he can't stop either because he is an attractive single man, who should have a buffet of options! That and I am not an easy woman, I am demanding. With that said, I think about this man ALL day lately. this amazing sex that we have is consuming my thoughts this much. I am not ready for NC with him The sex just keeps getting better and he has mentioned that he is now "making love" to me. Part of me, loves the challenge of having this single man break all of his rules and having him incapable of being able to stop being with me.

 

I definitely don't love my AP and I haven't praised him once. He is a manipulative & untrustworthy human being. Indifference may have been the wrong word choice. What I am basically saying is, I wouldn't feel the need to act like it's the END OF THE WORLD as some people do. I think it's time we evolve as humans and stop putting so much unrealistic pressure on each other. Sometimes we make mistakes. And no, this isn't me letting myself off the hook.

 

Sounds like you are praising him to me.

[ConInLA]

Sounds like you are praising him to me.

 

I disagree, actually it sounds like I am praising the sex.

[Dub]

I disagree, actually it sounds like I am praising the sex.

 

but isn't he the one you're having sex with?

 

 

He is a manipulative & untrustworthy human being.

 

Have you ever heard about broken people attracting broken people? if you are attracting a man like this who is knowingly screwing around with a married woman you have some unresolved issues within yourself that you should aim to fix.

 

Your husband obviously isn't enough for you or makes you happy, you should just let the guy go and do better the next time

[GoldenR]

Sometimes we make mistakes. And no, this isn't me letting myself off the hook.

 

 

Mistake?

 

A mistake is subtracting incorrectly in your bank ledger and winding up with a check bouncing.

 

A mistake is forgetting to pick up dinner before you come home bc you're exhausted.

 

A mistake is leaving your purse/wallet at home when you go to the store.

 

Making thousands of CHOICES during a 4 month period to betray your husband is not a mistake. And yes, THOUSANDS. Every text you sent, every flirty eye contact you made, every inconspicuous brush against his body at work, every time you spoke with him, looked at him, made plans to meet with him, kissed him,had sex with him, those were all choices. Not mistakes.

[Fisher52]

Yes, I do realize that and no clearly I am not thinking of my husband at all in this situation. I just don't want to wreck my marriage and have to deal with the consequences of something that I honestly don't even think I will care about in a year. I actually am from the school of thinking that confessing this to my spouse, is even more selfish of me. I deserve to go through the guilt and pain of it alone. I don't think it's fair to transfer that to my undeserving spouse.

ConInLA, I'd like to offer a different perspective. Many years ago my wife had an affair. I found out and confronted her. She lied, very effectively, and actually had me believing that I had lost my mind. But I knew what I knew, and the knowledge continued to eat at me. It eroded my love for her and totally destroyed my trust in her. I ended up in therapy for several years. I stayed to keep my family together. The kids are now grown. We are still together, but the relationship is a shell. I do not love her. We are companions. We travel together and socialize together. Friends think that we are the ideal couple. But we are living a lie. I do not know what would have happened had she been honest with me. I may have been able to forgive and re-establish our love and trust. Or I may have left her. I cannot tell you what to do. But I can share with you what may lie ahead.

[whichwayisup]

I definitely don't love my AP and I haven't praised him once. He is a manipulative & untrustworthy human being. Indifference may have been the wrong word choice. What I am basically saying is, I wouldn't feel the need to act like it's the END OF THE WORLD as some people do. I think it's time we evolve as humans and stop putting so much unrealistic pressure on each other. Sometimes we make mistakes. And no, this isn't me letting myself off the hook.

 

Be honest with yourself. Would you truly feel this way if you hadn't had an affair? Just seems like you're minimizing your actions.

 

It IS the end of the world for some, especially those who truly are in love with their spouse and have taken their vows seriously. Their worlds are turned upside down, all trust is gone and the ONE person that is supposed to have their back, always, stabs them instead. Affairs ARE a big thing to find out about, to most.