Lost in Affair

[BaileyB]

Be honest with yourself. Would you truly feel this way if you hadn't had an affair? Just seems like you're minimizing your actions.

 

It does. If that is truly how you feel, then that is not really not the normal reaction of a committed and loving spouse.

[ConInLA]

Be honest with yourself. Would you truly feel this way if you hadn't had an affair? Just seems like you're minimizing your actions.

 

Probably not, and I'm sure that's true on some level.

[Zenstudent]

Why not just move on and let your husband find a woman who actually could love him? Wouldn't that be a win-win?

[ConInLA]

Why not just move on and let your husband find a woman who actually could love him? Wouldn't that be a win-win?

 

I have never once said I don't love my husband.

[Dub]

so you love your husband while having "amazing sex" with another man?

[GoldenR]

I have never once said I don't love my husband.

 

Actions > Words

 

If you truly love him, then let him decide if he wants to be with you.

[Zenstudent]

I have never once said I don't love my husband.

 

No, that's true, and I didn't say so. But your op doesn't mention your husband in one word. You betrayed him badly. You don't respect his right to choose a monogamous relationship. You also mentioned indifference. I

 

may have assumed that you don't love him, apologies if that's wrong.

 

Could you answer my question?

[deadsoul]

How are you doing OP? Any update? Hope you were able to get started with IC.

[oldlion]

When I was a 1st Sergeant I had a soldier that was always in trouble. He stole, he sold dope and was his own best customer. I had him in my office one day and told him that he might get away with his doping 20, 50, or a 100 times but the law of averages said I would catch him at least once and once was all I needed. He smiled at me as I dismissed him. It took me three months but I caught him and watched as the MP's put him in cuffs. I tell you this to make a point. Unless your husband is really dumb, and I don't think he is, just keep up having "amazing sex" and he will find out about the affair for himself. The longer something goes on, the more chances of mistakes and leaving red flags for your husband to see. Some people are lucky and get away with what they are doing for a long time and some get caught right away. Chances are that eventually they get caught. Think about how many people you work with may know or suspect you and your AP are having an affair. How many people in your AP's circle of friends has he told about you? Young single guys like to brag to their friends. Everyone of them that knows is a threat to you. I read where one man found evidence of his wife's affair 30 years after it ended. Even after 30 years, to him it was day one and just as hurtful. Long time but he still found out. Believe it or not I kind view a confession as hurting someone else to relieve your own guilt. But you have to weigh the confession against him finding out about your affair later. For your husband, finding out for himself is worse than you confessing. I am not telling you to confess. I am telling you that you have created a world of deceit and you are going to have to decide what is best for you. Take it from me, once an affair comes to light, whether discovered or confessed, the marriage will never be the same. The marriage may end up being even better than it was before the affair or it may be destroyed. It depends on the ones involved. Think long and hard. I do wish you well.

[Blueskies66]

I too am somewhat of a liar and cheat, albeit one with a warm heart. I have no baggage from being cheated on as many here do. Take my advice....do not tell him. It will cause too much destruction. I would tell you that in time your feelings will pass and it will fade from your memory but the truth is you will probably cheat with another man. Some of us were not meant to be monogamous. I eventually told my wife but not until we agreed on an open marriage. (We swing always together). It hurt her but we were beyond the idea of a conventional marriage. We are happier now than we have ever been. All of our friends wonder what's up with us, why we are always holding hands, etc etc.

 

If your counselor tells you to confess do it with your priest or Rabbi.

 

Be the best wife that you can be.

[GoldenR]

I too am somewhat of a liar and cheat, albeit one with a warm heart. I have no baggage from being cheated on as many here do. Take my advice....do not tell him. It will cause too much destruction. I would tell you that in time your feelings will pass and it will fade from your memory but the truth is you will probably cheat with another man. Some of us were not meant to be monogamous. I eventually told my wife but not until we agreed on an open marriage. (We swing always together). It hurt her but we were beyond the idea of a conventional marriage. We are happier now than we have ever been. All of our friends wonder what's up with us, why we are always holding hands, etc etc.

 

If your counselor tells you to confess do it with your priest or Rabbi.

 

Be the best wife that you can be.

 

Your entire post contradicts your last statement.

[Birdies]

Girl, speaking as someone who cheated on my husband and torpedoed my whole world: you need to pull your sex-addicted head out of your as$ and end this TODAY! Go NC and block him so that the text can't "draw you back in".

 

You are on your way to destroying a man you love, and even more importantly, your kids' entire universe. I can't overstate the devastation this will cause when it goes public. And it almost always does, no matter how careful you are.

 

Just put on your big girl panties and do it. Then look into therapy because you sound depressed. Hugs! You can get through this!

[QuietDan]

This affair has changed the person you once were. You are not open, honest, transparent with your husband. As a person, your interests, likes, view point of the world, everything you truly feel is different from the person your husband married and was spending his life with. The relationship that was your marriage is dead and gone. You can never be that person you once were. The current relationship with your husband is a complete and total lie. He has no idea who you are. You will never be able to let your guard down. Will you ever be able to truly reconnect with him with this hidden affair? This experience is part of you now. How can you have a real relationship with him without him knowing this about you? There are some people who end affairs, only for them to be discovered or revealed 5, 10, 15 years later. The Betrayed spouse usually seems to suffer as much if not more. Often the view point or perspective of the betrayed spouse seems to be that the entire marriage/relationship that occurred before the truth was revealed is a lie. Every moment lived under this lie will forever be stained by it. When he finds out, most of the good memories will turn to bitter ones.

If you manage to end this affair and carry the lie with you. It will forever be a wall between you and your husband. The relationship will never be real, it will be built on falsehood. A new relationship needs to built on truth and honesty. You will eventually want to be in a relationship that your partner fully knows who you are and accepts who you are with all of your flaws. Part of the magic of any really good and wonderful relationship is getting to that point and staying there. The only way both of you can have that will be to go through this very intense trial by fire and hope that out of the ashes of the dead marriage, a new relationship that is profoundly rewarding for both of you sprouts and grows. Does anyone really ever want to be in a relationship that is built on falsehood, lies, deceit, mistrust. Yes.. mistrust.. you do not trust that your husband or your relationship will survive the truth... So now you live a lie...He is living a lie... everything involved with this marriage relationship is a lie...I am sure he suspects something is terribly wrong with the marriage.. He may not be able to put a finger on it... or may not be willing or able to really confront it... In all likely hood, if he is half the man you describe him as... he is blaming himself for things not being right...I am sure he is probable suffering in more ways than you realize. He is living with a person that is somewhat detached, distracted.... investing her time, creativity, energy into another relationship... this relationship is a walking ghost... what is the value of a lead coin with a thin plating of polished gold? You are committing a fraud... every moment spent involved with the other man is stealing from the time and commitment that is part of a healthy mutually rewarding relationship that you should be building with your husband. What would your relationship with your husband be like if you invested all of the time and energy that you put into the other man and the affair? Right now.. you are pissing on him and calling it warm lemonade....every day that passes that you don't reveal the truth to him is a one more day of deception and falsehood....until the truth is revealed, every shared intimate moment and cherished memory that happens for you and for him will forever be covered with this stain of deception. You are cheating him out of real relationship.

Can real love exist without truth? Gently give him the truth. Hope for the best.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5*It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6*Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7*It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8*Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

[QuietDan]

So with all of this great sex with the other man... Getting better and better stuff....Any desire or passion left for your husband? Did you go searching for a sex partner because you where you in a sexless relation with your husband? After the affair started, did you cut him off from sex? Did you try to avoid having sex with your husband as much as possible with him? Duty Sex? Pity Sex? Guilt Sex? No Sex at all? Or did you maintain the status quo with him so he wouldn't get suspicious? Do you see him now more as a roommate or a brother figure? Does the idea of having sex with him gross you out or make you uncomfortable now? How do you think your husband will interpret the intimacy you did or didn't shared with him through all of this?

[MickeyBill]

" I rationalize staying friends with him because he is a career mentor to me and a friend but I also know that staying friendly with him isn't fair to my husband and that it will never let me heal."

 

I knew a mentor a few years ago and he had 4 mentees and was involved with 2 of them ( I know one was married) . Seem like they were all 25-35 very attractive women, he was 45-50 ish, and in between ad agency jobs. Good looking guy. He confided in me that it was a very easy way to meet women who were looking for guidance. He took them to networking events, etc. to show them the fast track (that he used to be on LoL)

 

So maybe there was a bit more predatory and less friendly thing going on at the start.

 

And being turned on by having a single man "break all his rules" for you is naive - a lot of single men don't have many rules when getting married, single, separated or divorced women into bed . I fear that you got played.

 

I hope that you can extricate yourself from OM forever and devote time to healing yourself before trying any kind of R

 

Decide what you want for you. It may be D...

 

Hang in there.

[BaileyB]

How did your counselling session go this week?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'm glad you have an appointment with a counsellor.

 

I think, there is guilt from the affair. But, you sound very much like my dear friend (who also felt like something was missing, had an affair, and blew up her life). She was massively depressed and she became suicidal. Thankfully, she is doing much better now, but she had to deal with reality and find out what was missing in her that caused her to make some very self destructive decisions. She told her spouse and made some serious changes in her life.

 

I hope the counsellor can help you to get there. Because, where you are right now must be a very sad and lonely place. Take care.

 

I agree with this post here. I read through your Thread today and see a lot of similarities in your feelings towards your marriage and your husband as I had during my affair. You have compartmentalized your emotions so much that you are losing site of the feelings you have or had for your husband. You are in a sense splitting yourself in half - half for the OM and half for your husband and family. You feel torn to give up either but hate the affair and the tearing of who you are. Your hate towards the entire situation is festering and making you extremely unhappy and you are trying to find a reason for your unhappiness and a way to put a stop to the entire shi** situation you have found yourself in.

 

I am not sure if you have done a lot of reading about limerence but it may help. You also need to learn how to fight the addiction and start thinking about how to get your life back on track. My advice is tell your husband the truth- it will relinquish the tight control you are trying to hold and allow you to start gaining some perspective. It also gives choice back to your husband and breaks your marriage down to the bottom to determine if it can be rebuilt or if you both need to walk away.

 

A decision and a choice are better than what you are living in. Trust me i know exactly where you are. I remember it well.

[ConInLA]

so you love your husband while having "amazing sex" with another man?

 

Oddly enough, yes. I know it's twisted.

[ConInLA]

Why not just move on and let your husband find a woman who actually could love him? Wouldn't that be a win-win?

 

I'm not sure about this question. Part of me says no because I do love him and I know that he loves me. That and I know that I will never find another man to love me like he does, so I don't want to lose him. Another part of me doesn't want to be married anymore.

[ConInLA]

How are you doing OP? Any update? Hope you were able to get started with IC.

 

Thanks for checking in deadsoul. I'm doing okay. Unfortunately, still in the thick of it. I hope your situation is getting better though!! And yes, I had my IC session yesterday. I found it helpful. I only had two breakdowns lol He was very understanding and non-judgmental. It was nice to have someone to talk to in person, even if it was a stranger.

[ConInLA]

Take it from me, once an affair comes to light, whether discovered or confessed, the marriage will never be the same. The marriage may end up being even better than it was before the affair or it may be destroyed. It depends on the ones involved. Think long and hard. I do wish you well.

 

This was well said. I'm not sure if he is suspicious or not. He deep down might suspect it though, who knows. He says off the cuff comments sometimes about my late nights. I am still not sold on telling him. I do hope he never finds out. I feel as if I take the necessary precautions to not get caught. I'm beginning to be pretty paranoid about it.

[ConInLA]

I too am somewhat of a liar and cheat, albeit one with a warm heart. I have no baggage from being cheated on as many here do. Take my advice....do not tell him.

 

Sometimes I wonder this about myself. If maybe I just don't enjoy monogamy but I think it's bigger then that. Especially since, I'm not a person who likes to have casual sex with strangers. Meaningless sex becomes unfulfilling after awhile.

[ConInLA]

Girl, speaking as someone who cheated on my husband and torpedoed my whole world: you need to pull your sex-addicted head out of your as$ and end this TODAY! Go NC and block him so that the text can't "draw you back in".

 

You are on your way to destroying a man you love, and even more importantly, your kids' entire universe. I can't overstate the devastation this will cause when it goes public. And it almost always does, no matter how careful you are.

 

Just put on your big girl panties and do it. Then look into therapy because you sound depressed. Hugs! You can get through this!

 

Thanks Birdies! I am trying hard to get to this stopping point. Sometimes the hardest part is knowing that their is a willing participant. The no-contact thing is hard. The longest I have gone is 3 days.

[ConInLA]

Can real love exist without truth? Gently give him the truth. Hope for the best.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)

4*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5*It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6*Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7*It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8*Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

 

Great post! I'm not sure if I can keep it secret but I really would like to give it a try. I definitely understand where you are coming from though. I have no clue how I plan to keep this huge burden of a secret for the rest of my marriage. I plan to work through this in counseling.

[ConInLA]

So with all of this great sex with the other man... Getting better and better stuff....Any desire or passion left for your husband? Did you go searching for a sex partner because you where you in a sexless relation with your husband? After the affair started, did you cut him off from sex? Did you try to avoid having sex with your husband as much as possible with him? Duty Sex? Pity Sex? Guilt Sex? No Sex at all? Or did you maintain the status quo with him so he wouldn't get suspicious? Do you see him now more as a roommate or a brother figure? Does the idea of having sex with him gross you out or make you uncomfortable now? How do you think your husband will interpret the intimacy you did or didn't shared with him through all of this?

 

 

1. Not much sexual desire is left for my husband, tbh.

2. No, I didn't go searching for an affair because I was in a sexless marriage. My husband always wants sex. Sex with the same person for 9 years becomes repetitive.

3. No, I continued to sleep with him so that he wouldn't get suspicious. Sometimes pity sex, sometimes enjoyable.

4. I'm not sure.

5. Yes, it's weird. There have been one or two occasions where I have just felt completely repulsed by his touch or the thought of sex with him. Not sure why that is, it was surprising. He's a pretty good lover and up until my affair was my best sex ever.

5. He calls it pity sex, currently.